by Holly Rayner
Kathy's laughter was interrupted by another surge of intense discomfort. Then, they were wheeling her into a room and it was time to begin.
Around eight hours of exhausting, uncomfortable work later, it was over. Kathy closed her eyes, lying back against the bed, knowing she was close to passing out, but unwilling to quite let go yet.
"Hang in just a little longer," Tehar said. He was still sitting beside her, looking awed and exhausted.
The nurse returned with their baby, freshly washed and weighed.
"Here you go," the nurse said, leaning down to place the baby in Kathy’s arms. "One healthy, beautiful baby girl."
"Oh, wow." Kathy's eyes widened as she looked down at her baby. Her daughter. The soft, squishy face that looked up at her made her heart feel like it was bursting out of her chest.
She'd always thought newborns looked kind of weird and alien before. But this baby, her baby, looked like the most beautiful thing in the world. Her little girl opened her eyes, dark blue, and looked up at her, and Kathy knew she was lost forever. She was never going to love anything the way she loved this tiny human in her arms right then.
"Look at her," Kathy said in wonder, shifting so that Tehar could see. He leaned in close eagerly, and she could see the same transformation happening in his eyes. Devotion, as easy as that, instinctual and perfect.
"She's perfect," he said softly like she was something holy. "Beautiful."
"Have you decided on a name?" the nurse asked, interrupting their reverie.
"Ah, I don't know," Kathy said, suddenly stumped. "I was so sure it was going to be a boy. We haven't really talked about girl names."
"How about Amira?" Tehar suggested, looking up at Kathy for approval. "It means princess."
"That sounds perfect," Kathy said with a smile, looking down at her baby again. "Amira…"
Chapter Sixteen
The wind blew the smell of ice and pine down from the mountain, stirring the leaves of maple with a quiet, rushing sound almost like the ocean. Kathy stood in the backyard of her family home. Halfway up the mountain, from there, she could look down on her hometown, and on the sweep of nature that surrounded them. Lush green forests and mountains, stony and snowbound, carved out their place in the sky.
It was beautiful, and once, it would have made Kathy feel at home. But she'd had so many homes now. By the sea in tropical Florida. In a palace in the deserts of Abu Sadah. Home had ceased to a place, and had become a person. Or rather, several people.
"Are you ready to go inside?"
Kathy looked behind her, where Tehar stood holding baby Amira, only a few months old. It was the anniversary of Kathy’s father's death. She'd spent the past few days with her lawyer, clarifying that she had fulfilled the terms of the will and signing paperwork to transfer the property to her. Along with the deed to her home, the lawyer had given her a letter.
"Your father instructed this be given to you on this date," he said. "Whether you'd completed the last wishes outlined by the will or not."
She was still holding it and hadn't dared to open it yet. She took a deep breath.
"Yeah," she said.
She unlocked the door with the key the lawyer had given her and stepped back into her childhood. It was beautiful old Craftsman-style house, local stone and wood exterior, exposed-beam high ceilings and hardwood floors, spacious enough for a large family to live very comfortably. It was clean and well maintained. The lawyer had explained that they'd had a caretaker keeping an eye on things and sent a cleaning crew through ahead of them.
Everything was ready for them to move in. Even the furniture was still there. Kathy ran her fingers over the back of her father's favorite chair, still in its place in the living room, her feelings a confused tangle within her.
"This is a beautiful home," Tehar said, climbing the stairs to peer into the bedrooms, calling back to her. "This room would be perfect for the nursery."
Kathy followed him, smiling when she saw the room with its bright north-facing windows. "This was my room when I was a kid," she said. "My bed was right there. I guess they packed it up when I moved out. Yeah, this will be perfect for Amira."
"And we'll have guest rooms for the rest of the family when they visit," Tehar said brightly, looking into the other doors. Kathy knew he was trying to cheer her up. He knew how hard the day had been on her. They heard the sound of a car door shutting downstairs and Tehar smiled. "Speak of the devil."
The front door opened and Tessa stuck her head in curiously.
"Hello?" she called out.
"We're up here," Kathy replied, heading down the stairs.
Tessa hurried inside to give Kathy a hug, followed by Khalila, pushing Shadaf's wheelchair.
"Thank you so much for picking them up from the airport for us," Kathy said. "I know you only just got here yourself."
"It's fine!" Tessa said. "I was in the airport anyway, why not carpool? Wow, this place hasn't changed at all!"
She stepped past Kathy to look at the old house, amazed.
"Do you remember playing board games on that rug?" Tessa asked, laughing. "How many times did I crash on that exact couch? Hey, I wonder if those games are still here? Who's up for Monopoly?"
She went to inspect the games cabinet as Kathy turned to Khalila and Shadaf.
"It's a beautiful house," Shadaf said. "A bit smaller than what we're used to, of course."
He laughed a little weakly, looking pale.
"He's still tired from the flight," Khalila said apologetically.
"Well, make yourselves at home," Kathy said, stepping out of the way. "There's plenty of time to rest before dinner."
Shadaf nodded gratefully as they moved into the living room. Kathy looked up in surprise as she saw someone else following them inside. It was Fairuz, looking nervous and out of place. Khalila had shed her abaya and headscarf, probably during the layover in Paris, but Fairuz was still wearing hers.
"Fairuz!" Kathy said, offering a hug. "I didn't know you were coming."
Fairuz accepted the hug tentatively.
"I asked her to come," Tessa confessed, coming to stand next to her. "We got to talking while I was visiting you, and I thought we should hang out again."
Kathy had returned to Abu Sadah shortly after leaving the hospital. She'd wanted to show Amira to Basira and the rest of her family. Tessa had come along, wanting to meet Tehar and everyone else, joking that she needed to make sure they were good enough for her friend. Kathy hadn't missed how well she'd connected with Fairuz, though she had a feeling it had surprised Tessa as much as everyone else.
"I'm looking forward to checking out some of the schools here," Fairuz said a bit shyly. "I'm thinking about continuing my education here in the States."
Kathy had a feeling, from the way she and Tessa were looking at each other, that wasn't all she was planning to check out. Kathy was happy for them both.
Kathy got her guests settled and escaped before Tessa could pull her into the board game she was currently explaining to Fairuz and Khalila. Tehar sat near them listening with Amira in his lap. Shadaf was dozing in her father's chair.
She went quietly upstairs to the room at the end of the hall. This had been her parents’ room when she was a child, then just her mother's when her father had left. And then, for a little while she supposed, it must have been her father's again, after her mother died.
It was tidy, no dust left on the dresser, the bed neatly made. She almost wished the cleaners hadn't been so thorough. She would have liked to see his glasses, forgotten on the night stand. A coat left hanging on the back of a chair. A book left open on the bed. The signs of a life in progress, like at any moment he might walk in and resume it.
Instead, it felt empty, hollow. A discarded shell, like the husk of a dead insect in the corner of a rarely used room. She opened a window, hoping the clear mountain air would make this suddenly stifling, claustrophobic room more bearable. She breathed in deeply and could almost smell him.
; She sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling the letter he'd left her out of her pocket. She ran her fingers along the edges of the envelope, delaying the inevitable. If she didn't read it, it would always be there to read and, in a way, he would never be gone. But she would also never know if the answers she needed were in there. What he'd been thinking at the end, what he'd thought of her. She couldn't bear that. She opened the letter, the sound of tearing paper almost obscene in the silence of the room that had once been his. She unfolded the letter with shaking hands.
Dear Kathy,
If things happened the way my lawyer said they would, then by the time you read this I'll have been dead for a year. You will have read my will and either completed or ignored my last request.
At this point, I don't know which one I hope you did. I'm sure you want to know why I wrote it that way. Why I wanted you to start a family. To tell the truth, I don't really know myself. I'm writing this from my hospital bed. I just finished the Syria article. You were just here. I pretended to be asleep. I didn't know what to say. You didn't cry. You just looked at me for a while and left. And now I'm alone. I probably won't be here much longer and the thought of dying alone is the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. I've had too much time to lay here thinking about my life and how much I regret everything I've done, all the people I pushed away. I don't want this for you. I don't want you to spend your life alone, to die alone. You and your mother, you were my one chance to turn things around. But, like an idiot, I ignored it.
You probably hate me for what I made you do. If you didn't hate me before that. You should hate me. I want you to. I was never anything but a force of unhappiness in your life. In the end, I just tried to keep you from getting attached in the hopes that it would hurt less when I let you down. But I would rather you hate me then repeat my mistakes.
You are a brilliant journalist. Please don't let my stubbornness, my emotional constipation, ever make you think that I wasn't incredibly proud of you. I read everything you published, watched every moment you were on screen a dozen times. I wanted to tell you, but I was as afraid of reaching out then as I'm afraid of being alone now. The work was all I ever knew or cared about and I was afraid of what would happen if I ever shared that love with anything else. Even you.
I made my mistakes. I'm still making them. I know what I'm doing, forcing you this way, even writing you this letter to try to make you pity me. I know I don't deserve sympathy for this. But I'm doing it anyway. Whether you had the baby or not, whether you hate me or not, please, don't be alone.
I love you, Kathy
The last few letters blurred and ran as tears filled her eyes and spilled onto the page. She scrambled to rub them away before they could damage the paper, sobbing as she tried to preserve it. The knot of conflicted feelings within her felt like it had exploded, spilling messy emotions everywhere.
He was proud of her. It didn't fix what he'd done. She wanted to shake him and hit him. She wanted to hold him and thank him. But she couldn't do anything. He was gone and there was no way to change that. His mistakes were made and over and there was no apologizing or making it better. She couldn't stop staring at the letter even though she was crying too hard to read it.
"I love you too, Dad," she sobbed to the empty air. "I love you too."
Once she'd pulled herself together, she felt better. Cleaner. She'd cried herself out and all the pain and conflict had run out with it. Her father hadn't been a perfect man. He'd made a lot of mistakes. He'd forced her to do something he should never have. And she was grateful he had. She might never have taken a chance on Tehar if he hadn't. She certainly wouldn't have Amira now. She loved him, despite everything.
Downstairs, her family was gathered, talking and laughing. She went to sit beside Tehar and he put Amira in her arms, asking if she was all right. She nodded, smiling and taking a deep breath.
"I am," she told him. "I'm better, actually."
He smiled and kissed her cheek.
"Are you sure about this?" Shadaf asked, returning them to the conversation they'd been having before Kathy came in.
"You're just as qualified as I am, if not more so," Tehar said. "And more importantly, I trust you."
"But my illness," Shadaf reminded him. "There are days I'm too weak to get out of bed."
"Then you can work from home," Tehar said. "Or delegate. It's not physical work."
"And what happens if I drop dead in a month?" Shadaf pointed out.
"Shadaf, my dearest friend," Tehar said with a laugh. "They have been telling you that you were dying since the day you were born. And yet here you are, more alive and energetic than most people I know. It's time to stop waiting to die and start planning for a future."
Shadaf looked at Khalila, who smiled at him encouragingly, taking his hand.
"All right," he said, taking a deep breath. "I'll do it."
Tehar moved to hug his cousin tightly, patting his back in congratulations.
He'd made the decision to turn over the business, at least the part of it that needed to be handled in Abu Sadah, to Shadaf before they'd even returned to deal with Mitchell.
Tehar would continue to handle things stateside, but he wouldn't have to be flying back forth constantly. He could stay there in Colorado with Kathy and the baby. He would still fly out to visit his family there several times a year. Basira would never leave Abu Sadah, but it looked like Fairuz and Ihab both were considering moving to the States. Tehar would have his family and Kathy would have her career, and neither of them would have to give up what they loved in order to be together.
"You're going to do amazing," Tehar said, clapping Shadaf on the shoulder. "And think of this. The prestige and power of being in charge of such a large company can only help your efforts to progress social policy in Abu Sadah as well."
"I'll still have to convince the Sheikh and the rest of our family for that," Shadaf said with a laugh. "But yes, I think this might be what I need to really begin to change things."
"I'll be with you every step of the way," Tehar promised.
"I think we've proven just how far we'll go for the business as well," Kathy said with a laugh.
They went out to dinner a little later, and Kathy bounced between listening to Shadaf and Tehar hashing out the details of business to Tessa shamelessly flirting with an increasingly flustered Fairuz. She and Khalila exchanged teasing jokes about both parties and ordered too much dessert.
That night, once the guests were settled into their rooms and Amira was in her crib for the night, Kathy stood at the open window of the master bedroom while Tehar got ready for bed behind her.
She liked the way his coat looked over the chair and his shaving kit on the dresser. The room was starting to feel lived in again, but it was a new and better life. She looked out at the moon rising over the trees and contemplated the new life they were starting. Tehar surprised her as he slipped an arm around her shoulder, coming to stand beside her.
"It's beautiful here," he said. "It's very different from Abu Sadah, but I think I'll like it."
"I hope Amira will too," Kathy said. "There's so much ahead of us. I don't really know what to think about any of it."
"Whatever happens, we'll face it together," he said gently, kissing her temple.
"I'm glad your family has been so accepting of all the changes," Kathy said. "We couldn't have made any of this work without them."
"We would have found a way," Tehar said. "I wouldn't have let anything stop me."
"I'm just happy they love Amira as much as we do," Kathy said with a smile. "I'm so glad she gets to be a part of your family. Even if they would have preferred a boy."
Tehar rolled his eyes.
"Well, Basira might have said she wanted a boy," he said. "But you could tell the minute she saw Amira, she wouldn't have had it any other way. She loves her daughters."
"True." Kathy laughed. "Well, I guess we can always try for a boy next time."
"Next time?" Tehar's eyes w
idened and he grinned, squeezing her close.
"Well, in that case, we should probably get married before the next one. You know, just to make sure there's no question about the inheritance."
She was about to answer when he reached into his pocket and pulled something out, offering it to her. The silver band glittered in the moonlight, a beautiful natural sapphire surrounded by white diamonds sparkling in the center.
"I should probably have planned something more extravagant," he admitted as she stared, caught off guard. "But it seemed wrong. Our whole relationship has been this way, hasn't it? Grand gestures just feel superfluous."
"You're right," Kathy said, tears stinging her eyes again, happy this time, as she let him put the ring on her finger. "This is perfect."
"I've never met another woman like you in my life," Tehar said. "Driven and powerful, strange and funny and beautiful. You're kind in the most unexpected ways, uncompromising sometimes. Even when you don't know what you want, you keep pushing forward until you do. I want to keep learning more strange and wonderful things about you for the rest of my life. I love you, Kathy."
"I love you too, Tehar," Kathy said, sobbing and throwing her arms around him. "I love you!"
He kissed her hard and she tugged him towards the bed, pulling him close.
This time, as he pushed her down onto the sheets, there was no guilt or sadness about what might be or would never happen. There was just the three of them, her and Tehar and Amira, and ahead of them a bright, beautiful future. From then on, they’d both be figuring out what they wanted from life together.
Epilogue
The lights rose on the news desk, the logo spinning on the studio monitors.
"This is your six o’clock news out of Cold Creek, Colorado," the pretty, cheerful brunette anchor declared. "I'm Kathy Burgess."
"And I'm Hank Conway," her square-jawed co-anchor chimed in.
"And this is your afternoon update. First, in international news, the EU convenes over new climate change regulations…"