by Jenny Brex
She raised her eyebrow. “That’s a joke, right? Education is the crux of who I am. I’ve got my doctorate, but may need to go back to learn more about genetic research. We were discussing the lack of medical research for shifters and thinking of maybe creating a foundation.”
“Wait…you’re a doctor? Why are you studying bears?” He was taken aback.
“I have it in my field of study. My field of study wasn’t humans and medicine. Though if I were to do genetic research in other areas, I’d need more education. Why, what do you do?”
How had they not discussed these things? Oh, right. Not a lot of talking going on. “I excavate and drive big trucks.”
“Really reaching for the stars there, huh?” Keyoni was hardly impressed.
“Ouch. I make an honest living and work hard. I didn’t realize that being educated made it okay to put down others. Who’s the bully now?”
She lowered her head, realizing how arrogant she sounded. “You’re right. That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”
“Look, I do what I can to get by. There’s no shame in that.” He didn’t need Miss Ph.D. to belittle him. Jake was pleased with his life and the work he’d done. He made his own way.
“There’s not. I apologize. They were just words. I don’t know why you’re getting so defensive…” She trailed off.
“Kind of interesting that the tide’s turned.”
“So do you want to do this or not?” she was growing annoyed. She bunched up her hands into fists and glanced away. She figured he’d be all over the offer.
“Not so much right now.” His bear was angry that he pushed the chance aside, but his bear wasn’t in charge— not today. “I’ll think about it and get back to you.”
“Are you kidding me?” Keyoni frowned. “Now you’re going to be immature about this? You told me about this intense need you couldn’t control. Suddenly, you’re in control?”
“I think I’m going to excuse myself. I’ll talk to you later.” Jake didn’t expect that he’d be walking away from a conversation about having sex.
She groaned as he left. What had she done wrong? Didn’t he want to bone her as he’d said so eloquently the other day. Was it a ploy? What exactly was going on? First he wanted her, now he didn’t. None of it made sense. She hated that she’d never gone through the relationship thing before. There was probably a certain etiquette she lost out on, and now all she sounded like was some hard-wired geek asking to have sex. Who was she?
***
Jake sat in his truck. What just happened? Confusion rattled his brain and pride. The hard reality that she was somebody he didn’t even know anymore hit him. He’d been attracted to her from the get-go, but that’s all it was, a physical pull. His bear wouldn’t let up. And when he kissed her, something happened. A spark ignited, but the girl he just met at the bar— no. He didn’t quite care for her measured response and sense of a science experiment rather than primal sex satisfying the urge that ached from within.
Where was the vulnerable girl, the girl in the field that shifted and laughed and romped around like a child? Where was the girl that was sweet and left him full of desire? That other woman sitting at the bar, that wasn’t Keyoni. Or was it? How did his bear know she was the one?
He drove over to see his buddy Denver. He needed to talk, to hash it out with a friend. What exactly was one to do when your fated mate turns tail on you and changes the rules? She was his fated mate, but was he hers? Did they always match up? Or could they be at odds? Who decides? Stupid-ass shifter DNA was fucking with his mind.
Jake pulled into Denver’s driveway. Nothing made sense. Jake ran his hands through his hair and went to knock. No answer. Shit, he should have called first. Maybe he should have talked to her more, figured out what prodded her to suddenly become robotic about all of this. He jumped and ran when she slammed his pride. Let’s face it, the woman had a Ph.D. She failed to mention that the first time they were talking. She mentioned school, but nothing about the extent she’d gone to. Threatened? Hell, no. Okay, maybe a little. They had different life experiences, but would she ever truly respect him for being who he was? A blue collar worker who put in a full day’s work and got his hands dirty.
Jake sat in his truck on his friend’s driveway. It made him feel small. His past shot out at him like a blast. The poverty he’d grown up in, the thrift store clothes, and he thought he’d done okay for himself. No. He wasn’t letting some chick high on her horse make him feel any less about himself. He was a good man, decent, hard-working, honest, and willing to give the shirt off of his back to anyone in need. If only she saw that in him.
And yet, what did he see in her? It was physical attraction. He hadn’t given her the benefit of the doubt, hadn’t delved further into her life to learn more about her. Sure, he let her talk when they went out to eat, but it was all with the means to an end…his fat dick in her sweet pussy.
Now that she was offering a simple romp, it felt cheap. Wasn’t it supposed to be special? Fated mates were for life. Didn’t she understand how special their circumstances were? That they’d found one another? That they had a chance to fulfill destiny? Not everybody found their special one. They had to settle for something less.
Okay, at least go talk to the girl.
Jake fired up his truck again and drove back over to town. He strolled back in the bar, but she’d already left. The question was whether to follow her home. Maybe it was better to let things cool off. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe his bear got his wires crossed. It was time to let her go.
Jake’s bear let out a painful cry, not happy with the answer.
“Come on,” he said aloud, reeling. “Then you need to help me. I don’t know what to do.”
Chapter 17
It seemed like the easy answer. Sort of. Ignoring her feelings gave Keyoni an out. She’d never been drawn to somebody this way. The entire concept was foreign. She shouldn’t even be giving Jake the time of day, let alone her body. Yet, when he kissed her there was something so fragrant and sweet, like a fine wine seductively calling her closer. The endorphins that pulsed through her veins fed a need she didn’t know she had. Was it wrong to want to feel that way again?
He was like a drug. She knew she should stay away, but the lure of the high he offered enticed her. Maybe getting it out of her system would chase away the yearning. Only cutting off her feelings wasn’t happening. She tried. She made it cut and dry, almost scientific, but this was something she couldn’t cage. Something she couldn’t understand. It was bigger than her, bigger than him; there was animal magnetism that wrapped around them like a tornado, wanting them to be thrust into something more. What exactly was something more? It didn’t fit into the neat package she called life. Everything was compartmentalized, put away for safe keeping, and pulled out when she needed it. This…this was something that drew outside the lines, that shouted in a quiet room, that smothered her mind with thoughts she couldn’t escape. She’d push him out of her head, but he’d be there again, one too many times. Keyoni wanted to deny the attraction, but what she wanted and what she needed were two very different things.
***
Why couldn’t he let go? Jake groaned and soothed his bear. Fine, I’ll go see her. She wouldn’t be happy to see him. That much he was sure of.
Jake pulled into the driveway and parked behind the other cars. The dogs in the back barked at his arrival. He glanced over to see the Malamutes bouncing around at the edge of their fenced area.
Keyoni heard the dogs and then the knock. She knew who it was before she answered. Not much time had passed. “I’ll get it.”
When she opened the door, she was both sad and relieved to see Jake. She wasn’t ready for this to be over…and yet she was. The confusion circled her in a whirlpool.
“Hey, can we talk?” he asked.
She nodded and grabbed her coat from the rack by the door. “Come on, we’ll go get the dogs. I want to bring them in for the night.”
He walked with her do
wn toward the old barn and fenced area of the yard. Neither said anything at first. Finally, Jake found his voice. “Keyoni, I’m going to be open here and admit a few things. First off, the night I saw you at the bar, I was smitten. You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Every bit of my testosterone wanted to climb on and hold you tight, naked, and in bed. That’s not something I would normally come out and say. What’s going on here isn’t normal. I could pretend and say it happens all the time, but it would be a lie. The urgency that went along with it was something so powerful it pulled me in ways I couldn’t understand.”
“Go on,” she said, listening. She leaned over and opened the gate to the fence. “They might jump on you and lick you to death, but they won’t hurt you.”
“Thanks for the warning.”
She watched as the dogs hurled past her and stopped to sniff wildly around Jake’s boots.
“New blood.”
He smiled. “I hope I pass the test.”
“Well, Blitzen hasn’t lifted his leg on you, so there’s that,” she said, cracking a smile.
“Anyway, the thing is, this push and pull…I don’t know what to do about it. I’m obviously attracted to you, but there’s more to it. My bear is going nuts, driving me crazy with the intensity of need. The fated mate thing. I’ve heard of it, but never gone through this experience. And then, when I kissed you, everything made sense. I’d never felt that way before. Look, as a guy, it’s hard to come out and admit stuff like that. We’re taught to guard our emotions, and not to say too much. All I know is that I’m back again, because there’s something here that I can’t seem to let go of.”
Blitzen and his buddies Prancer and Dancer took off toward the house. They sat at the door, waiting to go inside.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you. I offered…” She collected her thoughts and started again. “I don’t do relationships. I don’t do boyfriends. I don’t do lovers. I don’t know what’s right or wrong. I know what my body tells me, but my mind is strongly in charge. And my mind says to get on with my life. That means my research, back to school, and opening a foundation. What’s entailed, I have no idea, but I don’t have time for ‘fated mates’ or lovers or relationships and drama. Sure, the idea of having a cool experience, the bond I felt when I kissed you is all well and good, but at the end of the line we don’t belong together. There’s no reason to pretend that we do. We’re night and day. I think once there’s distance between us again, we’ll move on and realize it was simply an odd circumstance. We have free will, Jake. I’m choosing to use it. I am glad I got the chance to see another side of you, and I’ll always remember that you helped me reconnect with my bear, but otherwise there’s nothing there.”
“Nothing?”
She looked away. “Nothing that we should pursue.”
He nodded, even if he didn’t agree. He didn’t want to come across as a stalker, always showing up unwanted and pestering her. He just knew there was more. There was. A lot more. He wouldn’t force the situation, but one day she’d know. She’d feel it, too…right? Isn’t that the thing with fated mates? They were meant to be together. Walking away was more painful than he imagined.
Chapter 18
Keyoni dropped beside her mother. “What did I do?”
“What happened?” she asked.
Keyoni shook her head. “I shut him down. I didn’t even give him a chance. I took the easy way out.”
“There’s no reason you should feel guilty,” her mother soothed.
“It’s not guilt, it’s regret.” She let her gaze fall to the floor. “I’ve never, well, you know. Never been with somebody. I shied away from relationships and shunned dating for so long, it’s like I don’t know how to function like a normal person. I simply turn my feelings off. I think I made a mistake. I don’t want to turn my feelings off this time.”
“Why did you?” her mother nudged.
Keyoni shrugged. “I don’t know. Habit? It’s not like I can have a relationship while I’m up at the encampment, and then I’ll be moving away again.”
“That’s two years away, the moving. You’ll be in Alaska for a while. Why not give it a chance? Nobody says you have to fall in love, but it sounds like there’s something between the two of you that might be worth exploring.”
Keyoni slumped against her mother’s shoulder on the sofa. “What if I end up getting hurt?”
“What if it ends up being wonderful? That’s the risk you take in life, hon. Nobody has all of the answers. You don’t know how it will work out if you don’t try. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not pushing it. I’m simply saying that sometimes the experience of life is well worth the risk.”
Her father chimed in. “Maybe it’s time to open to possibilities. I can’t decide for you, but I can tell you that we all have to find our own version of happiness, whatever that entails. The value of being happy is bigger than you can measure. You can’t quantify it in numbers, but it can change your world. What are you afraid of?”
“That I’ll fall in love. That I’ll care deeply, and that he’ll decide he’s no longer interested. I’d be crushed. I don’t know if I can recover from that. I shut myself off from that for so long, that I feel like a child. I’m almost thirty, and I’m acting like I’m sixteen.”
“You never truly acted as a child. You were always mature beyond your years,” her mother answered. “Keyoni, if you don’t want to get involved, nothing says you have to. On the other hand, don’t limit yourself out of fear. When it comes to love and fear, you need to choose love every time. If fear wins, it stunts your growth. It pushes you down. It makes you weak and steals your independence.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Keyoni’s shoulders fell. “I have work coming up, research to do. I need to focus on that.”
“And that’s fine, too. I just hate to see you pulling yourself away from an experience that you’d obviously like to take part in.”
“I feel foolish. I never know what I’m supposed to say. I hate that I’m like that. It makes me seem incompetent, and yet I know I’m intelligent. How can I not handle a simple back and forth with a hot guy?”
Keyoni’s mother smiled. “Hot guys always make you a little weak in the knees. When I met your father…”
“Oh, don’t!” Keyoni shot her hands up over her ears.
Mr. Kalani laughed. “I could barely speak to your mother when I first met her. I was tongue-tied. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Still is.”
“I just say stupid things. They come out crass or harsh, like I’m cold. I’m not, but I think I come off that way.” She twisted a strand of hair around her finger. She jumped up. “Okay, enough of this. I’ve got a few things to research. I’m seriously thinking about what you said. About the genetics of shifters and making a difference; I’m going to look into what I’d need to accomplish to do my part.”
“I’m excited to hear you say that,” she answered. “We could make a big impact on an understudied group that needs as much medical attention as the non-shifters.”
“I’m in if you’re in,” Mr. Kalani said. “I’d help a great cause, and get to work with my daughter. That’s two wins if you ask me. We could truly make a difference.”
“Yeah, I think I need to save my passion for science. Guys will have to wait.”
***
“Are you all packed?” Mr. Kalani would go out with his daughter to the polar encampment, introduce her to the others, then return to his wife for a few days. He’d rejoin them when he was certain she was okay to be left alone for a longer period of time.
“How long will it take us to get there?” she asked.
“It’s close to two hundred miles from top to bottom, and some areas aren’t accessible by regular car. With the special snow trekking vehicles, we’ll make good ground, but it’s a slower process. We’ll have to see, but I’d say we’ll be there by mid-afternoon. Then we have to get to Barter Island. It’s a small place, but once we’re there, we�
�re there. They’ll fly us over to the Barter Island airport, just east of Kaktovik. Then we’ll head west. It’s a journey, for sure.”
“Isolation is good. I’m ready to get back into my head. I’ve had too many distractions over the last few days. I’m getting overwhelmed. Everything was planned out, and then it was like I was forced onto a rollercoaster at an amusement park.”
“Isolation can be lonely, too. Bring a couple of good books,” he added, on top of your research. No cable television in the middle of nowhere. It’s easy to think you know what to expect, but the isolation is bigger than you picture. It took me a while to get used to it when I first started studying polar bears. I’d pen long letters as a way of talking to somebody, knowing I couldn’t mail them out from there. It still allowed me to push through the initial loneliness.”
They loaded up her father’s truck. They’d head into town and have Jerry get them to where they were going. He had the equipment. Thankfully, somebody did.
Jake pulled in just as Keyoni climbed into her father’s truck. He hopped out, grateful to catch her.
Keyoni sighed and went to meet him on the driveway.
Jake walked up to her and tenderly placed his hand on her cheek. “I couldn’t keep my promise. I can’t stop thinking about you. Every time I tried, you’d be in my mind again. You’re all I can focus on. I need you near me.”
Keyoni’s heart thundered in her chest a million miles a minute. She wanted him to kiss her. She wanted to be in his arms. She knew there was no point. “Jake, I can’t. I’m on my way to the polar encampment. I’m leaving.”
The thought of her leaving was harder than he imagined. “Can I see you when you get back?”
Yes! Yes! Yes! She cocked her head to the side and answered. “Maybe? I need to think about it.”
He watched as she pursed her lips. Everything inside of him wanted to kiss her, but with Mr. Kalani nearby, he held off. Jake leaned in close and whispered, “All I want is to kiss those sweet lips of yours.”