Dreams Ltd

by Veronica Melan

  I was probably expected to say something, but I barely had the capability to speak. My mind was trying to assemble all the pieces of the puzzle that I never wanted to put together and Hulk, not waiting for my answer, continued.

  “Elmer, of course, didn’t believe the "kidnapping" for one second. He knew Alex might go to extremes, and therefore didn’t even acknowledge the "note" with the ransom demand. From the very beginning he was sure that after such a trick Alex wouldn’t dare to come back as the truth about this whole story would’ve been revealed, and so Elmer just started to prepare the documents to ensure that he was now the sole owner of the factory.”

  “If he was so certain that the kidnapping was Alex’s idea, why didn’t he tell me when I came to him in tears, begging to do something.”

  Hulk didn’t answer straight away and his stare was heavy.

  “Perhaps, he didn’t give a damn about you.”

  “And Alex? After all, he must have realised that it was me who paid the... ransom?” I just about managed to say the last word. I’d never felt such an idiot in my entire life. Complete idiot. Hopeless fool.

  “Oh, he figured that out alright.”

  A chilling emptiness began to spread out inside my stomach after those words but I just grinded my teeth, knowing that Hulk was not done with the news just yet.

  “I guess when Alex saw where the money came from, he perhaps felt guilty for a while, thinking if he should come back to you and confess what a bastard he’d been. He didn’t think about it for too long though, judging by the fact that a few days later he opened a new bank account, bought a new house and a car on the Gau islands, where he’d been sunbathing and enjoying his life while waiting for the money to come through. Evidently his greed overtook his human qualities and his only wish was to get at least some of that money back after the loss of the factory.”

  Hulk finished his cigarette and leaned back in the armchair.

  I didn’t know how to behave and what to say. Only the emptiness like a big black hole flooded me inside. No, I didn’t have any numbness or shock - my mind was sober and clear, but emotions were no longer there as if they stuck somewhere at the door and then just turned around and went away. I felt calm, cold and empty - not even lonely, just indifferent.

  “And the girl?” I asked.

  “This girl had been with him on the island from the start.”

  Hulk didn’t have anything to add; everything became obvious.

  “Shereen?” he called me.

  I looked up at him. My eyes were dry - it probably would have been much easier if I burst into tears, but I didn’t even want to; I didn’t want anything at all, except for a new wave emptiness that was saving and scarring me at the same time. Maybe that’s how we are forced to grow up - we have no choice. Whether you want to or not, you have to give up an illusion of the happy world half way through and start putting up with the shit that life throws at you. There was nothing I could do about that - I just felt that something had broken inside of me and disappeared forever. Yes, broke or burnt out - who cares about the precise word? - but the old Shereen has just got up and left the room for good and in her place was another Shereen sitting on the sofa - quiet and maybe empty, but no longer naive.

  “Shereen,” Hulk said, “I didn’t want to tell you this at first, but then I decided that you deserved to know the truth.”

  I didn’t say a word.

  “Would you like some brandy?”

  “No, thank you.” my voice sounded flat, exactly as I wanted, “I will go now.”

  Now, Hulk's eyes turned into X-ray scanners, which made me shake to the core, but I didn’t care.

  “I appreciate that you’ve shared this with me.”

  After these words, I walked out of the door, leaving my notebook with the translation on the table and feeling that I would never come back to this room or any other room as the person that I used to be. From now on, someone else will be living inside of me, because the old Shereen has gone.

  As much as I wanted to brag about the lack of emotion on the next day, unfortunately I couldn’t do that. I managed to spend the night in an emotional vacuum, but in the morning I was struck by a full barrage of all sorts of thoughts and feelings. The dam had crushed.

  I felt hurt and sad... and hell, yes, I felt disgusting. How could I be such a naive fool who borrowed nearly half a million, and not from friends, but from some dumb Corporation, which subsequently put me in a prison? Well, of course, where else could they have sent me if not in here - such a primitive idiot who believed in pure love and was ready to do anything in order to return her “beloved” one home safe - yes, right, in prison! This was the right place for me.

  I felt like I was going to extremes - my mood was frighteningly placid, like a hushed sky before a tornado. I couldn’t get rid of the image of Alex’s face on those photos and I couldn’t pull myself together. Bits of the information I learned last night were now sticking out of my head like an exploded grenade, causing excruciating pain, ready to tear my brain that was now unable to accept the changed image of my world. I couldn’t blame it. I wanted to howl, curled on the ground or fret and fume like I'd never allowed myself before. Everything was falling out of my hands - all the tasks I was given in the morning, remained on the list marked as "not done".

  I tried to sweep, wash, scrub, carry something or even speak, but I just couldn’t remember anything. There was no way I could do any translating. The letters were floating away and escaping from my attention, faces were blurring, any words sounded inaudible.

  I remember asking Tabitha to give me some task to do, and then I went outside holding a cloth ready to scrub something only to find myself very confused why the grey stains on the wall were still there no matter how hard I was rubbing them. At least an hour later I realised that they were shadows and until they started to gradually shift in the day sun, I was desperately trying to make the wall completely white. And now yellow...

  Feeling exhausted I sat down on the ground and put the cloth next to me. That’s it. It cannot go on like this anymore. I knew that even if it was agonising now and the dangerous edge seemed too close, I still had to carry on. Never in my life have I ever allowed myself to go to the limit, and I had no idea what it felt like, but something inside of me was now begging to let my emotions out and blow off the steam. But how could I do that?

  I couldn’t look at this ranch through my old eyes. Everything seemed the same but at the same time something had changed. Everything became mismatched, alien and incomprehensible, even hostile and... hollow.

  No, people kept on walking back and forth, the guards were shouting in the fields, dishes were rattling in sinks, someone was rushing to put their brooms and shovels in the pantry and dinner time was coming soon. Before bedtime they’ll have some spare time to play dominoes in front of the barracks... People somehow got used to being here. To living here. We always adapt, don’t we? No matter how bad things are...

  I leaned against the wall and for a while I was watching them and it was becoming clearer by the minute that I cannot go on like that for much longer. I just can’t. My old “happy” world didn’t exist anymore. And there was neither purpose nor meaning, no more great and bright ideas that would keep me alive. There was no more inspiration. Nothing, just one big void. Even Alex was no longer on my mind, his image fell off like a piece of dried up mud - yes, he's gone so quickly and easily, as if he never existed in my life. But the humiliation still had a hold of me as well as the self-loathing for being such a naive fool. There was a taste of bile in my throat after his betrayal, bitterness and a feeling of being used. But who could I blame for it? Alex? No, that wouldn’t be wise and I could only blame myself. Four hundred and fifty thousand dollars, several months in prison, a broken heart and no hope that the situation will ever change for the better. How could anything change for the better now? How many years will I have to spend in Tally before I could get back to the normal world? What kind of other humiliation will
I have to go through? Is there any chance that one day the cold loneliness inside of me will be replaced by the happiness from the fact that you are no longer alone or even loved?

  I laughed hoarsely.

  Apparently, there was no limitation to how stupid and gullible one could be. If someone would mention the word “hope” to me now, I’d strangle them with my bare hands - less of all I never wanted to create worthless hopes ever again.

  This was Tally - the prison-city and I was the prisoner with a bracelet on my wrist. Most likely, I’ll never collect enough points to be released. I didn’t have any rights or any property, I didn’t have anything. And I couldn’t even get drunk like a normal human being...

  But hold on, why not? This thought appealingly purred in my mind like a cat stretching its back after a good sleep and looked at me with its hungry eyes. When was the last time I consumed any alcohol? At my Bell-Oak apartment... with Jenny. We drunk some cognac, having a heart-to-heart conversation and I was silly enough to be optimistic about my future as soon as I’d passed the parcel to Laroche. How wonderful it was to be so ignorant; blessed are those who don’t believe... I cynically laughed.

  Indeed, why not? Why can’t I let myself forget about everything and get drunk? I knew it was a lousy idea, but I was scared of simply not being able to sleep tonight, not being able to get away from the bitter thoughts and not being able to see any meaning in anything - and if my fears come true, then... I didn’t know what would happen “then”, but there was an ominous darkness in my heart and I had no desire to stare in its eyes; because if I did, the leftovers of that miserable person who I turned into will lose any significance of their existence. I knew it for certain. It was the point I must never approach. I can be foolish, make mistakes, stumble and get up again – yes, but I cannot allow myself to get to THAT point.

  Despite the heat of the evening and the shining sun, I felt palpable coldness crawling down my spine. I had to stop the flow of these unstable thoughts; they won’t do me any good.

  I peeled myself off the floor, grabbed the cloth lying on the ground and went in the house. I had to hurry up and check the schedule - the last bus will depart in an hour and I must not miss it.

  The sun hid behind the horizon, rich bluish shadows thickened in the front yard, and finally the air started to cool down.

  Hulk was slowly circling around the office. Most of his tasks were completed for today and it was time to rest and relax. But it wasn’t happening. The feeling of anxiety that arose after yesterday's conversation with Shereen was refusing to go away. Was it right to tell her everything? Was it really necessary to crush her heart and soul, knowing that life in Tally does that perfectly well anyway? Yes, Shereen was not a weak person, she didn’t even show a lot of emotions after he’d told her, but Hulk saw how pain flooded her eyes and he felt a nagging guilt. What was she doing today? Translating? But she’s not even been back for her notebook. Has she spent all day in her room? Did she go anywhere?

  Hulk was pushing his thoughts about Shereen away for most of the day, and he was coping quite well. However, as soon as the evening came they started to strike him again vigorously. What’s all this? He is just tired and needs to put his feet up.

  Hulk filled up a glass with brandy, chose a cigar and sank into his chair. The lighter’s cap opened with a click, and the yellow flame, strong enough to light the tobacco in a matter of seconds, emerged. A flavoured smoke lazily hovered in the air. His thoughts began whirling around the story with the ransom again. Unbelievable. Some fella decided to make some cash by faking his own kidnap, tried to intimidate his partner, and eventually got the money from his own girlfriend!

  For a fleeting moment Hulk felt a pinch of envy. Why do idiots get so lucky sometimes? Did this Alex realise how much he was loved? He probably did and but took it for granted. Hulk suddenly thought that he would appreciate it should he ever have the chance. Another cloud of smoke floated up to the ceiling; the eyes of the man sitting in a chair were fixed to the balcony curtains that were fluttering from the wind. She was scared, yes, and yet she approached to the Corporation and found the way to get that money and she didn’t even try to dodge the responsibilities - just took the parcel and agreed to go to the damn place God knows where...

  Hulk’s thoughts were slowly and lazily intertwining with one another, like the spirals of smoke that the tip of his smouldering cigar was creating. Why didn’t she make any attempts to run away? Why did she agree to participate in this affair? The way they brought her to the Corporation building must have worried her. How naive... and yet how courageous. She obviously really wanted him back home; she waited, hoping that a miracle could happen, but miracles never materialise - and he, Hulk, knew it better than anybody else.

  The truth – that’s the best way to get rid of any illusions. Reality is always tough and sometimes you just have to accept it as is. No, of course, Hulk himself, has not always been truthful and Tally was not the place where this word was ever appreciated, quite the opposite - it was mostly causing problems, but in the case of Shereen, a part of him didn’t want such love to be owned by a liar any longer.

  It wasn’t about the loyalty. Yes, Hulk presented everything to give the impression that it was his intention to expose Alex, as noble as this was, there was a hidden agenda behind it as well. But what exactly was it about? Hulk couldn’t be sure if he had it all figured it out yet. But ever since he found out that this girl came here with false documents, his hands were itching to discover the truth and that’s exactly what he had done. Now everything became clear and resolved.

  Why did he need to know that? Perhaps, his interest awakened because Shereen had an outstanding personality, great logic, persistence, open heart and she never quite fitted in with this place, neither then nor now. Hulk has never seen any anger or any resentment in her, whether it was about the people or her unfortunate destiny. Shereen always faced up to her fears, always stand up for others even if she was scared of being punished and would never betray or use anybody for her own benefit.

  Still, what was she doing today? He shook up her little world yesterday and that was difficult to bear. Should he invite her for a cup of tea and take her mind off things a little bit by talking about something trivial? As Hulk made his decision, he put out his burning cigar in the ashtray and reached for the internal phone.

  “Bring Shereen here. I want to talk with her.”

  “Sir, she was not in her room. Its locked.” muttered the maid, and hurried to get out Hulk’s sight after he nodded, letting her go.

  Not in her room? Well, that’s strange. Before he had a chance to get deeper in his thoughts, Greg knocked on the door.

  “Mr Conrad?”

  “Come in.”

  Rattling his chain and scabbard, attached to his belt, Greg walked into the room and sat on the sofa, he then placed the documents he was holding in his hands on the table.

  “The accountant asked me to pass you the monthly report. Here it is. Ufff ... Great… The heat’s finally gone.” he pulled out the collar of his shirt, trying to ventilate his sweaty chest, “Today was quiet in the fields...”

  As usual he began reporting about all the incidents that occurred during the day at the ranch but Hulk almost ignored his monotonous speech and when the major news were out of the way, he interrupted the senior ward.

  “Have you seen Shereen this evening?”

  Greg stopped talking and blinked in bewilderment. Hulk knew that Greg would always notice the girl, even if she was passing somewhere on the horizon. The grudge that Greg has been holding for Shereen was still hurting his pride, and today observational skills of the senior ward came in very handy.

  “No, I haven’t seen her today neither by the fields nor on the road to the quarry. Perhaps, she’s spent all day wasting the food in Tabitha’s kitchen.”

  Hulk nodded vaguely. The situation looked more and more intricate - where could she have disappeared if she wasn’t in the room? Did she decide to go for a wal
k by the fields? Was she sitting somewhere gazing upon the stars? What was she thinking about at this very moment? He has to give the girl a break and let her be on her own. It wasn’t really any of Hulk’s business what she was thinking about, was it?

  But his heart was restless, as it’s always been when his intuition kicked in. And this time, his intuition was aggressively pestering logic, trying to say something. Hulk knew that he didn’t have the right to ignore it.

  Greg, seeing the confusion and drawn out pause, responded immediately.

  “Do you think she is plotting something? I can raise the guards to find her...”

  “No. I think I know where she is.” without batting an eye, Hulk lied. He didn’t want the guard to suspect anything, “Get on with your report, I just wanted to tell her the amendments I needed in the translation.”

  “Ah, alright...” Greg mumbled vaguely and switched back to the report on the incidents.

  To Hulk’s relief - it took only a few minutes before Greg finally vanished, leaving him alone, and now it was time to thoroughly think about what exactly was going on. Not wasting another minute, Hulk scrolled through all the possible options, all the people who might have any information on Shereen’s whereabouts and stopped on one person - Tabitha. She was the only one who Shereen would trust her feelings to - it was time to visit the kitchen.