by Bankes, Liz
“I’m different with you.”
I fiddle with my fingers. Eventually I let my eyes move upward and meet his.
“Mia, I’m in love with you.”
It’s the change in his expression. He looks upset and unsure and scared. I realize that he doesn’t know what I’m going to say back. When he was standing outside the pool house and he claimed to know that I loved him, it was all a front. He doesn’t know how I feel.
I suppose I haven’t really admitted it to myself.
My answer is to move across to the sofa and sit next to him. He turns to look at me, his eyebrows still knitted in uncertainty.
I lean over and kiss him.
We creep into my room. I click the door closed and slide the lock across.
We stand facing each other at the end of my single bed.
I try to steady my breathing. “I haven’t … Well, I have sort of, but I don’t really know …”
“It’s okay,” he says and kisses me again. The kissing is delicate and tentative this time, every movement of our hands sending ripples of pleasure across my skin as I think of what’s about to happen.
He takes off his shirt and shorts and I take off my pajamas, but we collapse into giggles when my foot gets caught in the leg. I sit on the edge of the bed, suddenly hit with the thought that I’m naked and this time he can see me. I look up at him. He reaches his hand through my hair and says, “You’re beautiful.” Then he takes his boxers off and he’s naked too.
I take his hand and pull him down on top of me. I can feel every bit of him pressed onto me as we kiss and he runs his hands along my body.
Gently, he moves his hand down and touches me. I bite my lip to keep from moaning as his fingers slide in and out. I feel the sweetness again, starting to spread over me in waves. But he stops. He reaches down to the side of the bed where his shorts are and pulls out his wallet.
A few moments later, he runs his hand through my hair and his face is close to mine as he starts to push into me. I turn my head toward him, and at first he’s leaning on my hair. There’s nervous laughter and whispered apologies as we try to keep quiet while we move around. And then he pushes right in and I gasp. Slowly at first, and then faster. The sweet feeling changes to something deeper that builds and builds. I dig my fingers into his shoulders and arch my back.
Chapter 38
I wake up with my face against the wall, and I think for a moment that I’m trapped in some sort of box. Then I remember that Jamie’s in my bed. With some effort, I turn around so I’m on my back. I look at his face. His eyelids are fluttering, and I wonder what he’s dreaming about. I take in every detail of him. His messy hair, particularly so this morning. His stubble. His mouth hanging open slightly. Despite it all, I feel calm for the first time in months. Nervous, maybe, because I know this changes everything, but I just have this underlying sense that everything has fallen into place.
Then his nose twitches, which makes me snort with laughter, and that in turn wakes him up. He peers at me and frowns.
“’Morning, Joseph,” he says through a yawn. He squints at the clock on my bedside table. “Six? What’s wrong with you?”
“Shh. You have to sneak back downstairs soon.”
He exhales. “Not yet.” He pulls me over so that I have my head on his chest.
“Do you know when I realized?” he asked.
“Realized what?”
“I realized I loved you when you woke up really grumpy on my sofa, looking like you’d died.”
I dig him in the stomach. “Hey!” But when I rest my head on his chest again, I’m smiling.
“What happens now?”
Jamie shifts under me and breathes in.
The tinkling melody that’s been playing in my head since I woke up suddenly goes off key.
“There’ll need to be some conversations.”
“Yeah.”
It’s my turn to squirm. I have to tell Dan I can’t go to Paris anymore. I get a pang of disappointment as the image of us running for the train fades. We were going to arrive at six in the morning and have coffee on the steps of Notre Dame Cathedral before anyone was awake.
“Can we go somewhere?”
“What do you mean?”
“Can we go away?”
“We have a house in Nice.”
“No, not like that. I mean just us. And backpacks. And wandering around a city before anyone else is awake.”
“I can assure you that I will never wear a ‘backpack.’”
We fall silent again.
“Can I take a photo?” he says.
I flinch.
“Not that kind of photo! Our faces. To remember this.”
I look up at him.
“You have a sentimental side, then?”
He frowns. “Yes. You bring out the worst in me, Joseph.”
He lifts the phone up and angles it toward us.
Our faces. Mine on his bare chest. The edges of the duvet.
When he’s sliding out of the bed and putting his clothes on again, I draw the covers up to my chin. I’m still feeling oddly calm.
He sits on the bed to put his socks on. I prop my head up on my hand and watch him. Then I lean over and kiss him on the shoulder. He turns his head, puts his hand on my cheek, and we kiss. The excitement I’ve felt since I first saw him is now mingled with a surging happiness.
Then I hear the creak of the front gate. I slip out of bed and go to the window, dragging the duvet with me to cover myself up.
I see him walking quickly along the sidewalk. It’s a familiar image.
Slowly and unstoppably, doubts start to seep in.
I clench my teeth together, still staring out the window. What if he goes back to Cleo? Dan doesn’t know the full extent of what’s been going on. Cleo does. Well, a lot of it. She’s been watching it happen. She welcomed me into their clique, and then I did everything she asked me not to right in front of her.
The guilt I’m feeling is hollow. I’ve got nothing to say except sorry.
Chapter 39
I want to stay in bed as long as possible.
I feel like if I do, then the day hasn’t really started yet. I don’t have to tell anyone about Jamie. I can just think about him. He loves me. Doesn’t he? I slide down under the covers and make a sort of cave. It’s warm and smells like him.
I drift off to sleep again and when I wake up, I almost inhale my duvet.
I try reading for a bit, but can’t focus. I keep reading the same paragraph. I wonder if I could call the house phone and persuade Matthew to bring me food. As I’m picking up my phone, it vibrates with a text from Gabi.
Check Facebook
My account has been hacked.
A steady, sick feeling pulses through me as my profile picture loads. It’s me and Jamie. The one he took this morning. My head on his chest. The edges of the duvet. Very clearly in bed together.
My mouth feels dry, my body light and dizzy with panic. I don’t know what I’m going to find.
Mia Joseph OMG, finally slept with Jamie last night. SO in love ;)
Mia Joseph READ THIS! Miaslutguide.blogspot.com
Cleo Farah likes this
Desdemona Katherine Elliot-Fox likes this
Desdemona Katherine Elliot-Fox wasn’t I good? lol
I click the link.
Hey guys!!!
I’m Mia. And I’m going to tell you how to be a slut. It’s easy. Like me!!!
1. Get a job in a place that gives you access to eligible men.
Or just men. I’m not picky LOL!
Really, I’m not.
I went for Radleigh Castle. The men there are rich too, so it gave me the chance to get into their wallets as well as their pants.
2. Start with something less of a challenge, i.e., someone common and dumb.
I picked Dan David the kitchen boy.
(Warning: simpleminded boys like these can get a little attached—use them for a couple of weeks and they’ll be making you
picnics and inviting you to Paris acting like a total stalker.)
3. Select your target. If you have a deluded opinion of your own hotness, like I do, then you’ll aim high. Like your employer’s son.
That’s right, I went there!!! MegaLOLZ
4. Show him that you’re desperate eager. It’s a technique I like to call “slutting around being a slut.” Luckily, you don’t need a brain for this, just the willingness to get off with girls, get naked in his swimming pool, and basically wave your vagina around until you get some attention.
5. Be willing to believe anything.
Some examples:
That his sister has passed out and he needs your help. (Can’t believe I fell for that!!)
That caring for his sister means there’s a sweet side to him (facepalm!)
That he is in love with you.
6. You win! You’ve had sex with him. Yaaaaayy. Sadly it didn’t mean anything and you won’t hear from him again, but whatev, you’ve still succeeded in being a total slut.
P.S. It never does any harm to circulate a few naked pics. Sorry, I mean for “your ex-boyfriend to send them around without your knowledge.” ;)
I hold my breath, waiting to see the photo, but the page ends there. He must have really deleted the picture.
This is Cleo. I know it. But Jamie must have sent her the photo.
All the progress, all the things that have made me feel good or worth something since Kieran, all the things I’d piled up into a tower inside to make me feel strong, sway and come crashing to the ground. I’m back where I was three months ago. No control.
I click back onto my wall and start deleting the statuses and links to the blog. But then I notice some notifications popping up. A screenshot of my wall and the link to the blog have been posted on all my friends’ walls.
Chapter 40
I don’t really process what’s going on. It’s like I’m drifting through different scenes with the sound turned down. I’ve got missed calls from Radleigh, but I don’t call back. I can’t face work, I think.
But the thought of Radleigh, of Jamie and Cleo hidden away and protected, stirs something.
Soon I’m marching along the river. I don’t know what I’m going to do or say. But I want them to feel … something.
It’s like time skips forward. I’m standing right outside the castle. Staring up and scanning the windows. I think I’m looking for a sign that anything has changed here. That the lives of the people who live here have been affected in any way. I think I see faces at one of the windows, but when I try to look again, the windows flash back sunlight at me.
“Mia.” There’s a note of surprise in Julia’s voice. “Did you not get my message?”
I shake my head. I’m still trying to look at the windows, but I hear something about going to her office and follow her inside.
On her desk is a printout of the blog.
A short, humiliating conversation follows. I look past Julia and out the window behind her. Jamie doesn’t appear at it this time.
I walk back out past the receptionist. I think she tsked at me.
They’re standing at the top of the steps at the front of the house, outside the huge front doors. Jamie, Cleo, and Dezzie.
I stare at them. My face is ghostly white and my hair wild, but I don’t care. At least I feel something. Cleo’s expression is shining. Triumphant. But Jamie’s …
He looks guilty.
I turn my back on them, but feel their eyes boring into me. I hear footsteps, but I don’t look back. They quicken, and a few dislodged pieces of gravel bounce past me. I’m nearly at the end of the central path when Jamie skids into view. He stands there blocking my way.
“Mia, wait.” He’s grinning, but his eyebrows are arched together in a worried frown.
I look at him dully. I still feel numb. “What?”
“I didn’t …”
“You didn’t what? Pretend your sister was sick?”
His mouth twitches. Nothing comes out.
“Send that picture of us to Cleo?”
No answer.
“Say you loved me so you could sleep with me?”
His eyes meet mine then. Like he’s reaching out or trying to send a message. But still he can’t speak.
“Well done.” My voice is coming out monotone. “You win.”
I push past him. I’m hit with the smell of damp earth as I start down the path away from the grounds and into the nature preserve Dan took me to. I breathe in deeply and savor it. It smells real. I start walking more quickly, because I think that real feelings are starting to break through the numbness.
I just want to escape. For some reason I’m reminded of when Gabi and I were younger and we used to play a game where you knock on people’s doors and run away. One time Gabi got chased up a tree by a woman with a broom. Since then she’s always maintained that going up a tree is the best thing to do when in danger, leading to the unfortunate Hunger Games incident when she stood up in the cinema, pointed at the screen, and shouted, “SEE?”
I’m deep into the nature preserve now. Jamie didn’t follow me. I walk toward a big tree and consider climbing up it for a while. I’d rather there was a woman with a broom chasing me than have this horrible feeling all around me.
I stand with my back against the tree, slide down, and sit there.
Chapter 41
Uneven bits of tree bark are digging into my back. I don’t move, though. I’ve been sitting in the same position with my eyes fixed on my phone screen since I texted Dan to meet.
The snap of a twig makes me look up, and I can see a distant figure with hands in his pockets and wearing a rugby shirt. He’s got his head down.
I narrow my eyes, as if I’ll be able to tell from here what he’s thinking. If he knows. Dan doesn’t have a Facebook page.
I get to my feet and he sees me. His head goes down again, but he changes direction toward me.
I watch his sneakers scuffing the ground as he walks. I realize that they’re only a few yards away and they’ve stopped. He’s standing there in front of me while I stare at his feet. I wonder how long I can do this before I have to look at him.
Probably not much longer.
His face is stony. No dimples. His head is tilted back, waiting for an explanation.
I run over my lines. I was going to start with, “I never meant to hurt you.” Or was it, “All I can say is I’m sorry”? “Sorry is all that I can say”? All of them start morphing into bad boy-band lyrics in my head, and with all the wild panic in there, there’s a sudden danger I might start singing.
Eventually I say, “Thank you for coming,” like I’m about to give a talk or something. I should ask him to switch off his cell phone.
“Max told me,” he says.
“Dan, I didn’t …”
“I know you didn’t write it. Doesn’t mean it’s not true.”
“No, I mean, I didn’t think. I didn’t mean for it …”
“Yeah, you didn’t think. And because you didn’t think, everyone’s laughing at me.”
“I’m so, so sorry, Dan.”
“It’s fine.” He stabs the ground with his toe, sending chunks of dirt up into the air. “I just … I don’t get people who fool around. Maybe I am ‘simpleminded.’ It is simple, to me. ‘Do I like her?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Do I want to spend more time with her?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Do I want to be with her?’ ‘Yes.’ I didn’t realize it was so complicated with you.”
He ruffles his hair and blows out a long breath. “I really liked you.”
The lump in my throat is a huge stone. I feel like I’m going to choke on it.
“I don’t know why I made it complicated,” I manage.
He shrugs. “You like drama?”
I shake my head. But he continues.
“You just wanted to be part of some exciting love story. Two guys fighting over you. In my head we had a love story, anyway. But I guess you found it too boring.”
“No.” I finally fi
nd my voice. “It was too good. I didn’t want to ruin it. You thought I was this perfect person who would never hurt you, and all I could think of was that you wouldn’t think that if you knew what I’m really like.”
Dan nods. “At least that’s honest.” He thinks for a moment and then looks up at me through his hair. “Look, Mia, don’t go along with what people want. You thought I wanted the perfect girlfriend, so you pretended to be it. I bet you pretended with him, too. Do something you actually want to do.”
I fiddle with the sleeves of my top. “It’s hard to work out why you want something. When you invited me to Paris, it felt all … tied up with being your girlfriend. I knew I wanted to go, but I couldn’t figure out why.”
He smiles at the floor. “I thought we’d have an adventure. Simple as that.”
I watch him walk away. Hands in pockets again. But his stride is lighter. I’m jealous that all he has to do is be hurt. Not be hurt, confused, guilty, and a million other things.
I know he’s right. I wanted to please everyone. For them to see me in a certain way. When the whole Kieran thing happened, it was the same. I didn’t want to stand up and tell him what I thought of him. I just wanted the whole thing to stay secret. Saying nothing or letting things happen is always easier.
I sit back down against the tree and rest my forehead on my knees. Tears stream down my face until my eyes are sore and dry and my head is aching.
I lift my head up and sniff miserably.
Even if I can’t work out what I want or why things happen, there’s only one place I need to go.
Chapter 42
Gabi is sitting in a ball on the floor of her room. Her chin is thrust forward and her eyes narrow. I know that face. I edge over to her, and a foot is flung out and catches me on the shin.
“Ow!”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m sorry. You liked Dan so much.”
“I do like Dan, but I love you, you stupid bitch.”
I sit down next to her and curl up into a ball too.
“You would have told me not to trust him and that I was being selfish and lots of other stuff that’s true.”