by Meg Brenner
“You live down this road, Ms?”
“Mrs,” I corrected him. “I need…” before I could even get my words out, the tears started to roll down my cheeks. “I’m Mrs. Lawrence!” The officer made a couple calls on his intercom before directing me though. I parked in my driveway and then ran over to the house. Crime scene investigators were walking in and out of Keiffer and Indigo’s house.
A cop walked up to me, looking at me with concern written all over his face. “I want to see him,” I begged. “I need to see my husband.”
“He’s gone,” he said gently. I pushed his hand off my shoulder.
“Where is he?” I said a little more forcefully. “Where’s my husband?”
“You’re husband committed suicide, Jenna,” the officer explained.
“No, not Keiffer!” I yelled at him. “He was good! He was happy! I made him happy! Why would he do this?” I backed up into Indigo’s arms. She wrapped me into a hug, letting me bury my head in her shoulder.
“He’s gone, sweetie,” she whispered. In a way, it made me more comfortable knowing that it was Indigo telling me that rather than the officer. I felt more at peace with Indigo talking to me. She was a part of Keiffer. She was his blood.
“I came as soon as I could,” my dad said as he ran towards us. He was still in his business suit and his tie hadn’t even been loosened. I allowed him to wrap me into a hug and the three of us stood outside of the house. We were as cold as statues, but we would never be moved.
“I need to get in there, daddy.” I stepped out of his hug and turned my attention back towards the house. It was like my eyes made the images that I was seeing into one big blur. I just wanted to see my husband. Instead, Indigo grabbed my hand, snapping me back into reality.
“It’s not your fault,” she said quietly so only I could hear. I turned to face her, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“What do you mean it’s not my fault?” I yelled at her. My tone took her by surprise but she didn’t back down. “I could have stopped this! He had been dropping me hints for months now!” I ripped my hand from hers. “I allowed this to happen!”
“Honey, you didn’t-“
“I allowed him to kill himself!” I clenched my teeth together, letting the pain numb me. With one last look, I ran back to my car and drove back to my house. How was I going to stand there at the scene and be surrounded by people who loved Keiffer? I allowed this to happen. I knew he was planning this, but I thought I would have changed his mind.
Chapter Seventeen
The house never felt so empty. I flipped the lights on, letting the dim light brighten the room. I listened closely. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I tried to imagine his music coming from the guest room. Sighing, I remembered his favorite band that he made me listen to: 311. I never gave the band a chance…I never gave him a chance.
I slid my back down against the closed front door until I was seated on the ground. Hunching over, I sobbed until my chest hurt. I kept taking deep breaths, trying not to heave up my last meal. I had never cried so hard in my life. As I sat there, I replayed all the moments that I had with him. He was perfect. He was my second half… and now he was dead.
I didn’t know how long I sat there like that. Maybe it was ten minutes, maybe a few hours, but before I knew it, I was in our walk-in closet, bringing his clothes up to my nose. The smell of him. Oh, the smell of him was intoxicating. Each breath I took in was a struggle, yet, I continued. I started to pull off all his clothes from their hangers and held them tightly. The closer I hugged them, the more I believed that he would come back. Letting out a wail, I dropped the clothes, feeling the realization that he would never be coming back.
Each minute ticked by so slowly that night. Dad had tried calling me several times, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. The doorbell rang and I knew it was Indigo. I knew she was suffering just as much as I was, but I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t want have anyone try to make me feel better. I would never feel better.
I ran my fingers across his vacant pillow. It was cold…just like him. The moonlight filled the room as I looked up at the lit ceiling. The room was still, the room was quiet. Never in a million years did I think that this was actually going to happen. I knew he was depressed, but he seemed to be getting better. He was so happy…
Life continued without him. I know it sounds bad, but the following Monday, I got up for school. The weekend had been full of funeral plans that I had helped out with Indigo. It was hard, and we both shared more tears than a person should ever have to, but we kept each other strong. School though…now that was a different story.
I stood in front of my mirror that was hanging against my bedroom wall. Staring at my reflection, I couldn’t help but wonder if Keiffer would be proud of me or not. I tied my hair back, not even bothering to brush it. I buttoned up one of his shirts (even though it was much too big for me) and I brought the collar up to my nose, filling my senses with his smell. My eyes were puffy from crying all weekend, but I tried to hide it by applying extra concealer. Fail.
No one spoke to me when I arrived at the school. In fact, people adverted their eyes from me as they walked by. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it, because I actually liked the privacy. For once. I kept walking, my eyes down at the ground until I reached my locker. That’s when the tears started happening again. I pulled out Keiffer’s books and held them tightly in my arms. I would have to deliver each one to their rightful teacher. How was I going to do this?
“I’m sorry,” Brad said from behind me. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want him to see me crying like this. Instead, he placed his hand on my back. “I didn’t know…”
“How would you know?” I snapped, finally turning towards him. I had a look of anger all over my face, and my eyes showed hatred. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? Why couldn’t anyone just leave me alone?
“I…” He started.
“You what?” I snarled at him. “You did this to him!” Okay, so it wasn’t true, but that was the only thing I could manage to say. Hate was so built up towards the whole situation that I needed to take it out on someone. Brad stepped back from me, holding his hands up. “You were so mean to him!”
“He did this to himself –“
“Don’t you dare talk about Keiffer as though you knew him! Don’t you dare!” I was yelling now, aware that a small crowd was forming around us.
“Keiffer was a good guy…”
“OH!” I screamed. “You hated him! Since day one!”
“No –“
“YOU WANTED HIM DEAD!” I yelled before throwing a punch towards Brad’s face. He grabbed my fist before it reached him and pulled me into a hug. At first I fought it. I didn’t want to hug him! But feeling a warm body against mine made me remember how life really felt. Keiffer was dead. His heart had stopped and he would never be coming back. Pushing people out of my life wasn’t going to get me anywhere.
That night, as I sat in the back bathroom of the church, I couldn’t help trying to keep the tears settled down. I could hear the crowd forming out in the sanctuary, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to go through with it. They were all there for Keiffer’s funeral. My husband’s funeral. How was I going to get through the night?
There was a knock on the door and I hesitantly opened it. Lacey stood outside, her face showing a weak smile. Without another word, I wrapped my arms around her. No matter how many fights we had had this past semester, she was still my best friend. We had grown apart in so many ways, but we were also sister’s in each other’s eyes. She held me, not uttering a single word until I spoke first.
“I can’t believe he’s gone…” I whispered to only her.
She tucked a stray curl behind my ear. “I know… and I’m sorry. I was so mean –“
I held my hand up to her. “That was the past. It doesn’t matter. You’re here now and that’s all I could ever ask for.” I gave her one last hug before we
emerged from the bathroom. She held my hand tight as we walked down the aisle.
The crowd hushed as we walked down together. Every set of eyes was on me, yet, I didn’t even feel awkward. I was used to this. Brad stood up from his pew, locking eyes with me. Obviously, he wanted me to sit next to him, but instead I gave him a quick hug before taking my seat at the front of the sanctuary. Lacey slipped in next to Brad, the two of them embracing each other. It was obvious that Keiffer had impacted many people in more than one way with his presence.
The service lasted way too long. Several family members got up and spoke about how Keiffer changed their lives. Indigo gave a quick speech, ending it in a round of tears. I couldn’t cry anymore. No, I sat there like a stone wall. Much to my surprise, it was an unidentified guy who made his way up to the front that ended the service.
He wore his blonde streaked hair in a messy sort of fashion. He wore jeans and a plaid blue and gray shirt to the funeral. In a way I was a bit irked by his appearance. How dare he show up looking casual for my husband’s funeral? Everyone else was wearing black, but he had to just stand out. I crossed my arms across my chest, glaring my eyes at him.
“What’s up?” The guy said into the microphone. “I’m Shane…Keiffer’s best friend.” He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. I glared at him, but curiosity hit me. Keiffer had never mentioned a Shane before. There were so many things about him that I just didn’t understand. Keiffer was quiet about his life, and there was just so much that I had missed out on.
“He was a jerk, wasn’t he?” Shane joked. Several people coughed nervously. “But he was so awesome. Our friendship was an accident. We rode the same bus together and we kind of stuck up for each other…I guess you can say we were both hot heads. He never backed down from a fight…” Shane looked down at his sneakers, obviously trying not to cry in front of the crowd.
“We talked about this, ya know? Our funerals and what we would do at each other’s if we ever had to experience it,” he laughed nervously before continuing. “I told him that I’d tell everyone anyone about his crazy expiates and all the drugs he ever consumed…sorry, Mrs. Lawrence.” Indigo just chuckled, obviously aware of her son’s darkened past.
“One night, when we were getting ready to drag race another car, Keiffer told me that if he died, I needed to tell his mom how much he loved her,” his voiced cracked slightly. “And he did, Mrs. Lawrence…he did love you a lot.” Now his attention focused on me. I slid nervously in my seat, unsure where he was going to go next.
“He called me before he committed suicide. It was the first time I had spoken to him since he moved to Michigan. He made me make a promise to him,” he said without taking his eyes off of me. “And I promised. I promised that Jenna wouldn’t ever be alone. That she had me now to lean on.” I looked around the sanctuary, unsure of what to say. Everyone was staring at me. I didn’t even know this kid! “He also once told me the day before he moved that he was going to commit suicide. And he did… and I didn’t stop him. So what does that mean for me?” Shane took a deep breath. Keiffer had told him also! We were both going through our own little torture together.
“And I just don’t understand why he did it! He had a great life. He had a great mom, a great house, a beautiful wife, and a child on the way. He had it all. And sometimes I wonder if this hatred should be directed at myself rather than him.” He wiped the tears from under his eyes. He dropped the microphone down on the podium and walked off the small stage. A few seconds later, he reappeared with a surf board under his arm.
“This was Keiffer’s. He and I practically lived on the water. He said that surfing was his only way out. As most of you know, his dad also committed suicide…with the same gun. And honestly, he wasn’t the same guy after his dad died. But same guy or not, it was practically impossible not to love him,” he smiled at me through his tears. “I think it would only be appropriate if everyone would sign this for him. Please. Just show him how much you cared for him. How much you loved him, and still do. And I can tell you right now, I love him a whole fucking lot…” Several audience members gasped at Shane’s explicate word but he didn’t seem to notice.
He exited the stage and I knew it was my turn to get up there. I stood to my feet, my legs shaking as I took each step at a time. The microphone felt like it weighed ten pounds in my hand. There was no way I could get out the words that I needed for this. No words described him. No words at all. Shane looked up at me from his seat and for some odd reason, I began to actually feel more comfortable.
“I don’t have much to say. Well, I do…but I don’t think I can get it out,” I let the first tear slip. “Love was an understatement when it came to Keiffer. No, love wasn’t even what I felt. If there’s a feeling greater and deeper than that, then that’s what I was feeling,” I whispered into the microphone. “He taught me so much about myself, and he showed me what life was about. It’s not about awards, diplomas, but it’s about relationships. I pushed people away because I was scared, but I was always drawn to him,” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, but I don’t have anything to say… But I don’t understand what I did to deserve this.” I dropped the microphone and stepped back down the stairs until I reached my seat.
No one said anything after that. It wasn’t like I was expecting them to. Instead, the pastor wrapped up the service and we all got together down in the lobby. Many, many people hugged me and said their apologies, but their words felt weightless. I hardly heard their bits of wisdom and advice, as my mind was preoccupied with other things. Before they all left, they’d sign their name on the surf board. Shane thanked each participant as they signed their name and a small message. Every once in a while our eyes would meet.
“You look lovely,” Indigo said, wrapping me into an intimate hug. “You’ve been very brave.”
“So have you,” I smiled weakly. “No, you’ve been really strong through this whole thing. For real. I couldn’t have asked for a better mom to help me through this.”
She rubbed her thumb across my cheek before placing a kiss on my forehead. “You were the best thing to have ever happened to him. Thank you for making my son’s life wonderful.”
Those words stung me deeply. Wonderful? If I made his life wonderful then he wouldn’t have committed suicide. He would have been happy with me…he wouldn’t have run to his gun like he had once planned. It was obvious that I had failed him. He needed something more out of me and I failed to give him that. I didn’t know what more I could do, but I’m sure I fell short somewhere in our relationship. I touched my stomach slightly, wondering if it was the baby that made this relationship fall apart. If that was the case, I should’ve just had the baby aborted like I was originally planning.
“Hey, Mrs. Lawrence,” Shane said as he approached me. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed his presence. He looked much taller once he was next to me. His hair was much shorter and darker than Keiffer’s but he had that same eager, laid back look as my husband’s.
“Jenna,” I corrected him. “I haven’t even been Mrs. Lawrence long enough to enjoy that title,” I said depressingly. Shane crossed his arms, watching my facial expressions carefully.
“I hated you. Like, truly hated you,” he admitted.
“What?” I gasped. Why the hell would he tell me something like that? I didn’t even know him so how could he hate me?
“He talked about you all the time. I wanted to shoot him myself,” he joked dryly. “Soon we stopped talking about what had in common, and he started talking about you. Everything was Jenna, Jenna, Jenna. My best friend changed the moment he met you. Which, I guess it didn’t a bad thing. But I realized that his life was going to be changed forever the moment I heard you were pregnant. And I dreaded meeting you. But the moment I saw you in there,” he pointed to the sanctuary. “The moment you saw you, I felt a sense of peace fall over me. And maybe it was him telling me to trust you, or maybe you just make me comfortable. But he was my best friend
, and he chose you. There’s a reason.”
“Thanks,” I said nervously. “Listen, I’m no one special. Don’t fulfill your promise to Keiffer because I’m fine. Okay? I’m going to continue life the way that I’ve always done it.” I stood brave as a statue in front of Shane. “And you shouldn’t feel peace around me…he committed suicide because I wasn’t good enough.” I let my shoulders slump down and I looked up towards the ceiling. How was I going to get passed these tears?
“You’re perfect…” Shane said while reaching towards me.
“Stop!” I held my hands up like stop signs in front of me. He dropped his arms. “I couldn’t give him what he wanted… I’m worthless.” I looked him in the eyes one more time before busting through the church doors. I just needed to get out of there. I just needed to be alone. I could hear him calling for me, but I didn’t want to stop. Not yet at least.
In fact, I didn’t stop running until I was standing outside of my house. I breathed deeply, knowing perfectly well that I probably shouldn’t have run while pregnant, but I didn’t care about it anymore. I only cared that my husband was dead. What was a dead baby, too?
Slipping back into my house, I slammed the door shut, drawing in the invisible spirits of Keiffer. Each breath I took in was a challenge. In one swift motion, I ripped down the pictures of him from the wall. They shattered into a million pieces when they fell to the floor, but it only encouraged me to break more memories of him. How could he do this to me? How could he leave me when I needed him the most? I was eighteen and a widow! How the hell was I going to live the rest of my life without him?
Chapter Eighteen
I don’t know how long I stayed in that house without human contact. I would guess five days, but I wasn’t sure. My phone battery finally died after two days, which meant I wouldn’t be getting millions of phone calls from people to say their apologies over the situation. Instead, I stayed in my pajamas, keeping myself satisfied with delivery foods, sappy movies, and crying myself asleep. A shower seemed like it was ancient history…it was something that I didn’t even think about.