by K. T. Hanna
Ash barrels into the room, face flushed and out of breath. “Oh, good. You are awake.” She grins.
“Well, I am now.” Sai tactfully doesn’t add the no thanks to you that’s on the tip of her tongue. “What?”
“Get dressed. You’re allowed to be up today. Isn’t that what Mathur said?”
“Today?” Sai looks around for some sign that it’s already been a full day. “You mean I slept for twenty-four hours?”
Ash’s face falls. “Well, probably closer to twenty-two, but will he be that picky?” She seems so forlorn Sai has to put her at ease.
“I won’t tell if you don’t.”
“Oh, good.” Ash sits down on the edge of the bed. “I really wanted to talk to you. I’ve been having a hell of a time lately.”
Sai raises an eyebrow. “Oh, really?”
Ash has the good grace to blush. “I’m not saying you haven’t. I don’t mean it like that, but I’ve been having a lot of difficulty containing my...gift. I mean, the Harming part of it.” She whispers the last with a secretive look about them, as if scared someone might overhear.
“Your shields aren’t holding?”
Ash nods. “I get confused and flustered. I don’t want to hurt things, Sai. I don’t want to kill things.”
Sai can hear the words Ash doesn’t say, as if she’s speaking them right into her mind. I don’t even want to kill rabid bunnies. Even if they’re inherently evil. It takes her a few seconds to get her bearings before speaking. “It’s okay. You realize you’re learning this because you need to have at least a measure of control, right? If you don’t have the control necessary, you could really hurt someone you don’t intend to.”
“I know, it’s just...” Aishke’s brow pinches, and water wells in her eyes. “I already hurt my mother. I annihilated her and half our household. I was so angry, so upset, so deserted and alone. You know, like every other teenager.” Her grin is wry, poking a bit of humor at herself. It’s one of Aishke’s saving graces, otherwise she’d come across pompous and slightly bitchy to most people she meets.
And then Sai understands. “It’s not that you can’t control it, it’s that you get scared and irritable about controlling it. Is that the problem?”
Ash nods. “I get annoyed and upset every time I try to use the gift in the way Bastian’s instructions set out. Once I get upset like that, it goes haywire and the bunnies...” She pauses, a tear flowing down her face.
“What happens to them, Ash?” Sai speaks gently but firmly. If the girl doesn’t accept what happens, she’ll never get past this. Sai knows; she saw it happen at the training facility more than once with kids who couldn’t accept what they were capable of. Some of them even tried to pull all the power back into themselves. Never a pretty sight.
“They explode, Sai. I explode bunnies. Their sharp little teeth and horrible dispositions are negligible once they’re just pieces of goopy fur all over the lab.”
The level of distress on Aishke’s face would be comical if it weren’t so serious. The girl looks like she’s about to throw up, and Sai leans over and hugs her, ignoring her own pain.
“Aishke, it’s okay. Take a few days off, and I’ll come help you next time and try to guide you so you have a little more finesse. How’s that sound?”
Aishke nods, obviously not trusting herself to speak. “Sorry, Sai. I just... There’s no one else here to talk to. Iria is just so damn happy all the time. With you and Mason gone, I just...felt so alone.”
Sai pulls away and grins, refraining from telling her that Iria only pretends to be happy half the time. “Hey, I’m not planning on leaving you alone just yet. And if you promise to stop feeling like that and being stupid, I’ll even show you a cool trick I picked up while we were out on this last mission.”
“Ooo.” Aishke’s eyes light up. “You mean whatever you did that everyone is whispering about when they think I can’t hear?”
It takes a few seconds for Sai to mull over that information in her mind. “Maybe. Since I’m not entirely sure what they’re saying, I can’t guarantee that’s it, but I do have something to show you I think you’ll understand and grasp better than anyone else on this Mobile.” Once she figures out exactly what she did, anyway.
“Other than you, of course,” Aishke says, face deadly serious.
“Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if you understand it and master it far better than I have. I really had no idea what I was doing, Ash, but I did it because it’s all I had left.” Sai cocks her head to the side and frowns for a second. “Mathur is on his way. Let me get dressed so I can greet him properly.”
A few minutes later, Sai is fully dressed and in the lounge ready for her guest. Almost as if on cue, there’s a knock at the door. Aishke jumps up and lets Mathur in, greeting him with a huge smile as she ushers him in.
“Sai, you are looking rested.”
Standing behind him, Aishke mouths How the hell did you know and Sai has to stop herself from laughing out loud.
“Just what the doctor ordered,” she says instead, mind already working to figure out what they can do to better prepare their own troops when they come into contact with the Damascus.
“You knew I was coming, did you not?” he asks quietly, eyes never leaving her face.
“I didn’t know per se, but I was pretty sure you were on your way.”
“Do you still feel everything, sense everyone?”
Sai nods. “Even more clearly today. I’m trying to figure out a few different shielding options which will hopefully help, but I’m not Bastian. This sort of stuff is hard, and I’m afraid probably far beyond me.” She laughs ruefully. “I’m definitely the wrong person to have discovered this abnormality. Especially considering I have no idea how to instigate it again. Yet.”
“Perhaps it is not abnormal.” Mathur shakes his head. “I am starting to believe that there is nothing normal about you Sai, but that you have an extraordinarily good head for pushing the boundaries of your gift and abilities associated to it.”
She smiles, trying to ignore the queasiness in her stomach. “That’s huge praise coming from you. And I’m not entirely sure how to take it.” Heat rises in her cheeks, and she glances away, counting to five while taking a breath. “That didn’t come out right. I’m not sure what’s going on, Mathur. I have no idea. But there are things I feel and hear and sense that I have no right feeling and hearing and sensing.” She closes her eyes for a minute and casts out her mind, scouting for the Damascus and reaching a range she shouldn’t be able to.
“When I scout now, for example, I’m sure I can almost reach Central. The range on my abilities has increased so much I’m actually scared. I have no idea why I can do this now or how much control I have over my abilities anymore. Or even how I did what I did. I could be a danger to everyone on this Mobile. We can’t afford that. We need to make sure I’m not going to jeopardize everyone.” Her breath starts to come fast, and her head spins a little. She can feel the sweat starting to form under her clothes, getting ready to leak its way out.
Mathur sits down across from her, his expression extremely serious. “For what it is worth, I do not believe you to be of any danger to us, but I am unsure as to whether or not you may be a danger to yourself. With your abilities as they were, you had a dreadful propensity to push yourself beyond your boundaries. If your own abilities have expanded, then I fear for your own safety. You do not regulate your own usage of power and the extent of your reserves closely enough.”
His voice is calming, soothing, and stops the chain reaction of fear. “So no immediate danger to others, just myself?”
Mathur chuckles. “Do not sound so happy. It can be a bad thing, Sai. We need to look into this phenomenon you explained to us. Exactly how did you reach down and recreate that pool of power?”
Sai shrugs sort of helplessly. “I just remembered it being there when I was in the exam room, when I needed to pass because I didn’t want to die. And then, this time, when I didn’
t want anyone else to die. I reached and found it, but I have no idea how to get back there. Maybe I was kind of a conduit for it?” She looks at her hands and closes her eyes, trying to summon the feeling again. Sweat breaks out on her brow and a chill passes down her spine, but she bites her lip hard to focus her concentration and digs deep. She’s not sure of how much time has passed when she sees it flitting about, swirling in a pool of white. It slips away from her just as she reaches for it—like a wriggling, sinuous eel with a mouth that bites hard and a mind of its own.
“Did you see?” she pants, gasping for breath as she opens her eyes.
Mathur gapes at her, sort of like a goldfish. “Saw? You lit up just for a moment. Is that when you access it?”
“I guess...” She lit up? What did he mean she lit up? “I think I need to be more motivated. I’m not even sure I can fully grasp it again.”
“But you will try, yes?” His eyes sparkle in a way that rejuvenates his whole appearance, as if he’s ten years younger.
“Hell yes, I’ll try.” She can’t help feeling resolute, feverish almost. It is there, and since she’s used it a couple of times now, it wasn’t a fluke.
Except that she still has no idea how to really start or go about it.
“Damn it.” Sai stamps her foot and puts her hands on her hips, glaring at the wall of her room. No matter how hard she tries to reach that place again, she touches it for a second, only for it to slip back through her fingers immediately afterward. It doesn’t help that all these thoughts are cramming into her head despite her best efforts to shield them out.
Every time she finds it, there’s a shadow that starts to infiltrate her mental vision, and she pulls back. It could be her memories...or her past. If Jeffries’ rant about her not resting enough is right, it could even be her synapses burning out.
The point is, she has no idea. She throws herself back onto the mat and stares at the ceiling. “Why me?” she asks it, pretty sure it’s not going to answer back.
“Because you’re the only person insane enough to try this stuff.”
Sai blinks at the ceiling before realizing that the voice is Dom’s as he strides across the room to her. She watches him approach before sitting up on the mat.
“I’m not insane.” At least she hopes she isn’t. Maybe that’s why she hears voices. Maybe that’s where the shadows come from. Shadows of her former self... She shakes her head and tries to glare at him. “And what do you want?”
He regards her for a few seconds, and his shoulders sag slightly. “Look, I just spent days heading to see Bastian to try and get you some sort of direction and guidance to hopefully help you figure out what the hell it is you did. If you’d prefer me not to help you, just say the word. I’m sure there are ten thousand other things I could be better spending my time on.”
Sai takes a moment, unused to Dom being short-tempered with her. She was constantly irritated with him these days. Maybe she shouldn’t be surprised at his mood, and a wave of uncomfortable guilt follows the thought. “You’re probably right. I got myself into this mess. I should be able to get myself out of it. But I would still appreciate any advice Bastian had to give.”
Dom nods. “You need to center yourself and focus. Relax your mind and let it quiet. Bastian said to go over all the exercises he had you learn until you understand them at a basic level.” He watches her and waits until she nods. “And once you do that, you need to reach in and find out what exactly it is you triggered. Whatever this pool of power is, you should be able to tap into if you manage a relaxed meditative state.”
Sai frowns. “I’ve already tried to tap into it.”
“Have you? Or have you been trying to wrestle control of it?”
She feels the blush creep over her cheeks. “Well, I’ve been trying to grab it and not let it go. I’m not entirely sure why. It’s just...that’s how I did it when we were fighting.”
“But you’re not fighting now. There are no immediate signs of danger, no people depending on you to save them. That sense of life or death is gone. You don’t have the leverage you had while you feared for not only your life, but others’ lives.” He pauses and looks directly at her. “Not everything can be accomplished through brute force. Sometimes you just need control and finesse. And you might surprise yourself.”
Sai raises an eyebrow. “You’re being condescending,” she mutters and doesn’t add that he’s also right.
She sits down on the mat, ignoring Dom as he walks off to the side of the room to observe her. Closing her eyes, she seeks out her center and the shields Bastian helped her construct what feels like ages ago. Once she really focuses, she can see light cracks all the way up her wall, portions of it standing slightly ajar like a portal into another part of her abilities. She smiles and reaches for them, rebuilding them solidly and deliberately into something she can control at will. One for thoughts, one for distanced scouting, and one to strengthen the shields and block as much of it out as she can. Yet, there are no shadows, nothing leaking, nothing to be detected. She wonders, briefly, that maybe the flickering is inside her, but dismisses it in favor of the rest of the work she has to do.
She opens her eyes, tired, to see Dom holding some water out for her. Gulping it down gratefully, she smiles. “Thanks. Not done yet, though.”
As she dives back in, the silence in her head is sweet, less distracting and stressful. The voices are still there, but more like a background hum she can amplify with the use of one of her doors—almost like the adrium when she’s pushing her legs. Without those distractions, it’s far easier to find the pool from which her power emanates. It spreads throughout her whole body, tiny tendrils digging deep, even into the adrium connections so black in their psychic attachment. The pool has an eel-like thing leading into it, but as she looks closer, it’s more like a chain to plug in a drain.
Such a strange thing to be in her subconscious.
Every time she tries to grasp it and pull, it slips away like water through her fingertips. It’s frustrating to lose control like that. After several failed attempts, she stops and takes in a deep breath, calming herself. Another breath and she focuses on only one thing. Now she knows its basic location, it’s much easier to find, especially without the distractions, even if that darkness still hangs on the edges of her vision.
She locates it and holds it in place, getting used to the surroundings and its exact location for a good few minutes before realizing her strength is failing her and she’s about to pass out. She still thinks there’s something more—her gut tells her she needs to tug at it—but her energy is gone. The dizziness passes but the tiredness does not, and she opens her eyes for a brief moment, cringing at the brightness of the room.
Everything is so white on the Mobile, so sterile. It hurts her eyes after having them closed for so long.
“You glowed,” Dom says, a hint of pride showing through in his voice. “You glowed for about four full minutes, Sai.”
She nods and then wishes she hadn’t. One of these days she swears she’ll find enough energy to stop feeling like she’s always running out of it. But she has the beginning down, she thinks. After all, it’s not something she’s done consciously before. Theory is great, but if she can execute it again, it could mean a whole lot of extra power to fight the Damascus with.
“I need more control, and then I need stamina.” She reaches up and wipes the sweat from her forehead. Turning her focus inward again, she pushes Dom’s presence to the back of her mind and begins again.
Sai rolls over in bed and stretches for a second before stopping abruptly. The room is hers, but she has no recollection of how she ended up back in it, nor of what day it is. Her last clear recollection is the touch of Dom’s hand against hers, the reassurance that—despite everything going on around them—their friendship, while bruised, remains. Any constant in their current situation is a blessing in disguise.
Since he was the last person to see her, he must have brought her to the room. She pushes
herself out of bed, frowning slightly as she realizes she’s still clothed, and stumbles awkwardly toward the steam shower. But her tracks are halted as soon as she opens her bedroom door.
Lying on the couch in the small living room, his feet dangling off the end, is Dom, flipping through a reader. He doesn’t even look at her when he speaks.
“Mathur wants to see you.”
“Were you here all night?” Sai blurts the words out before she can stop them, not entirely sure why the concept makes her blush. He’s a domino—like there’s an improper thought in his brain.
He rests the reader on his chest and raises an eyebrow as he looks at her. “Actually, I was. I’ve never been assigned quarters here, and Aishke assured me the couch was a viable option.” He pauses for a moment, still intently watching her. “I have, however, already been up and about. We’re approaching noon. If you’d not woken, I would have come to get you shortly.”
Sai scowls, suddenly irritable. “You don’t need to stay and babysit me. I’ll get a shower and go to Mathur immediately.”
As soon as the steam surrounds her, she regrets the words. But what’s said is said. Maybe when she’s in a better mood she’ll apologize, but for now Sai just lets the steam wash over her and ease her aching bones for the entire three minutes she’s allotted.
When she emerges from the shower cubicle, the apartment is empty. It’d be easy to dwell, but futile, so she shrugs her jacket on and heads toward Mathur’s laboratory.
Residents of Alpha push past her without really seeing her, intent on whatever is their goal. The Mobile seems busier today, the air is thick with tension and unease. Sai hugs herself and moves onward, ignoring the fact that the short distance somehow feels like hours.
That familiar white-haired head bends over a domino. She can hear him muttering to himself as he tinkers with strands of what appear to be like loose and velvety adrium.
Sai waits until he steps back, not wanting to be the reason he does something wrong, before knocking lightly on the door and clearing her throat. “I’m here...”