Oblivious to the cold breeze stinging his face, he meandered among tufts of brown grass that crunched beneath his boots until he reached a knoll that overlooked the vastness of the Chihuahuan desert.
Closing his eyes, he visualized Lauren on horseback, looking up at him that day in the canyon after she’d vowed to protect him. He opened his eyes, half expecting to see her and the sorrel in the arroyo a few hundred yards away, but the only movement came from rustling blades of grass and the gray clouds floating in the dull sky.
Sure, he could have lied to Lauren and enjoyed some time with her. But he’d been afraid he’d have fallen into his old habits. Any time someone had gotten a little too close to him, he’d cut them off. Zap. The end. He’d never even felt twinges of guilt. He did now, though. More than twinges. His guilt was with him every moment. He didn’t want Lauren to be hurt, yet here he was, hurting her. He was so proud of her spunkiness. Hell, if he went to see her now, she might knee him worse than she had Chester.
As much as he ached from needing her, Jonathan tried to convince himself that Lauren was better off without him. Before she’d even met him, he’d endangered her life. And then after he got to know her and love her, he’d hurt her even more.
But deep in his gut, he knew that wasn’t the reason he’d said goodbye. He was a coward, afraid to take a chance, like she’d said. He was afraid that when she discovered who he really was, she wouldn’t love him and he couldn’t bear the thought of the pain. It was better to be aloof than to be hurt.
His restlessness unabated, he went back inside and thumbed through the books lining the shelves. He pulled out a slender volume that Helena had encouraged him to read. He’d only taken it to appease her, since it looked too much like a fairy tale to suit him. Maybe, though, his sister was trying to tell him something, so he began reading.
Half an hour later he slammed the small volume shut. He smiled, deciding for the first time in twenty-two years that he could take a chance.
All he needed was a favor from Lauren’s brother Ted.
It was New Year’s Eve. Lauren sat at her desk, alone. The office had been closed since noon, but after being home a couple of hours, she couldn’t stand it. So she’d come back. Work was her refuge.
Angry that Jonathan hadn’t listened to reason, Lauren had returned to work immediately after the kidnapping—over-the objections of almost everyone. Trying to put him out of her mind was impossible, but she knew Jon needed time to sort through all he had discovered about himself. Ted and her father had tried to placate her over the holidays. Robert and Lyna were giving her a wide berth.
Lauren was furious, she was hurt. She’d been through two weeks of hell.
She would have sworn it was impossible for a day to be so long, but recently she’d been too agitated to do anything right, and now, at three o’clock, she was reworking a motion for the third time. She heard the outside door open, but because she half expected Robert to stop by, she ignored it until she felt someone watching her.
She looked up to see a pair of boots spread in a wide stance in the doorway of her office. Slowly, her eyes lifted to see long legs clad in denim, a black hat dangling from a hand and a leather jacket that failed to conceal a hard, lean male body. Dark hair teased Jonathan’s collar and green eyes sparkled in his tanned face. He looked like he’d spent a lot of time outdoors during the past two weeks. She felt her pulse increase just looking at him.
“I had to see you.” His voice was low and a little uncertain. “How’re you doing?”
“I ought to lie and say fine, but I’m not.” She wanted to take his shoulders in her hands and shake some sense into him. No, she wanted to run to his arms, but she wasn’t making that mistake again. It was his move now.
“I’m not, either. I’ve come so we can talk this out. We’ve got some unfinished business that needs tending to. Would you come with me?”
“Where?”
“It’s a surprise, but I’m hoping you’ll like it. Just get your coat and come on.” His eyes pleaded with her. “Please.”
“Okay.” She’d go with him to the ends of the earth if that’s what he wanted.
Outside, the bright sun beat down, warming everything with radiant heat despite the cool temperature. It was a beautiful afternoon, one that made a person want to spend it outdoors rather than in an office. Regardless of where they were going, she was glad Jonathan had rescued her from the doldrums.
Taking her elbow, he guided her to a dark green vehicle parked in front of the office and unlocked the passenger door.
“This is Ted’s pickup,” Lauren said, climbing in the truck.
“Yeah, sure is. He loaned it to me.” Jonathan slid behind the wheel and buckled his seat belt. “We’re going to need it where we’re going.”
She was intrigued. Where would he be taking her and why? He looked happy and carefree, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. The haunted warrior look was gone, she noticed, as he pulled onto the highway and headed south.
Several minutes passed before he said anything. Then his words were direct and to the point. “Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”
Because he had ignored her declaration when she’d said it, she wanted to deny it now. She was tempted for a moment to be petty, but the look on his face when he glanced her way made her change her mind. She was beyond playing games. “Yes. I meant it.”
His hands tightened briefly on the steering wheel, then he smiled and reached across the seat and took her hand. His fingers were warm as they closed around hers. “I was counting on it.”
“What do you mean?” She looked at him, at his strong profile, at the narrow red wound searing his temple, at the easy way he sat in the seat. “Does it have something to do with the surprise?”
“Yeah. But before you learn what it is, you need to know something about me.” Then he began talking as he stared ahead at the passing grassland. His voice was low and steady. “I was in the import-export business in Mexico. I was making a living, doing pretty well, when some guys in business across the street wanted to join forces with me. Said we’d share some of the overhead. Good for all of us. Sure, I thought. Why not?” He glanced at Lauren.
“A year or so went by before I found out why. They were smuggling drugs in my inventory, under my name.” He told her of his inner struggles, his fears, and how he finally decided that setting them up would get the revenge he sought. “I wish I could say I did it just to catch the bad guys, but I didn’t. I liked the excitement. And so for ten years, with the help of the DEA, I lived a double life.”
Lauren listened intently, never commenting, not wanting to interrupt Jonathan. He knew what he needed to tell her.
“Last year I realized there was no double life at all. I had no personal life to speak of, and I decided I wanted out. Sold my business for a pretty good chunk of money that’s gradually being transferred to the U.S.” He turned off the highway and drove over a narrow trail that snaked through a pasture.
“It was a little harder to extricate myself than I thought. Just one more sting, I decided. Then I was through.”
Lauren wondered if Jonathan knew how much he was like his ancestor.
“The past couple of weeks I’ve realized how much I’ve missed by cutting myself off from my family. Being around them has been fun. I’ve enjoyed playing with my nephews.”
The more he talked, the more Lauren knew why she loved him. “You’re a good man, just like I said. You needed time to learn who you really are—and to separate yourself from John McCain.”
“I want to visit the grave you told me about. Tomorrow, maybe, but not today. Other things are more important. I’m not working for the DEA anymore. I’m going to become a bona fide rancher.” Jonathan eased the pickup to a stop at the mouth of Diablo Canyon. “This is as far as we drive. You ready for a ride?”
Lauren looked around and saw two saddled horses, heads down and grazing. She was delighted. “You bet,” she answered, nearly certain the
surprise was a where, not a what.
“I was sure relieved to see you had on jeans.” He tightened the cinch on one of the saddles. “But I was planning on taking you by your place if you weren’t dressed right.”
“I don’t usually wear them to work, but with the office closed for the holiday...” Her voice trailed off as she realized an explanation was unnecessary. “How did you get Doc and Taco?”
“You have a very helpful brother.” Jonathan gave her a Cheshire grin as he swung into the saddle and led off at a lope.
She owed her brother one, Lauren thought as she quickly followed Jonathan. They slowed and picked their way down a winding trail through the dry winter grass into the dark canyon bottom. The sun had long ago slipped below the towering walls, and now she had to strain to see. Not that she needed to. She knew where they were headed: the cave.
When they got to the base of the cliff, Jonathan helped her dismount, his hands lingering at her waist. Lauren sensed his impatience as they quickly hobbled the horses and left them in a patch of brown Bermuda grass near the creek.
She started up the steep bank, lost her footing and slid back down into Jonathan’s arms.
He laughed. “You need any help getting up?”
“No. I can make it on my own.” She thought of how quickly she’d scaled it when Chester was behind her with a gun. Reaching the top, she waited for Jonathan to join her.
He skirted the thorny limbs of a squat, crooked bush that grew on the ledge in front of the cave entrance.
“Do you know what kind of plant that is?” she asked.
“No.”
“It’s a paloverde. According to an Indian legend, anyone who sleeps beneath its branches will have good dreams.”
He frowned as though he was considering her words. “Legends are often based in truth. After all, I had a wonderful dream here.”
He helped her inside, where she was surprised to see lantern light playing against the rock wall and a mound of sleeping bags and supplies piled in the center. Lyna would die of a romantic overdose when she found out about this. Lauren was more than a little overwhelmed herself. There had been occasions when she’d suspected Jonathan was a romantic, but this was above and beyond candlelight dinners or bouquets of roses.
“I met a beautiful lady in my dream,” he said.
Lauren didn’t know how to respond. A lump formed in her throat and she felt moisture gathering in her eyes as she turned to see the last trace of twilight disappear from the cave mouth.
“Let’s see if we can start off on a better foot this time.” Jonathan pulled her back against his hard body just as he had done before. She could feel his belt buckle next to her spine, but this time his arms were gentle as he leaned down and whispered against her hair. “What’s your name, lady?”
“Lauren—Lauren Hamilton.” She turned in the confines of his embrace so she could see him. The golden light from the lantern played across his features. “And yours, cowboy?”
“Jonathan—Jonathan McCain.” He stroked her hair away from her face, and as she looked up at him, his eyes filled her with warmth.
“It’s nice to meet you at last,” she said.
His arms tightened. “Lauren, I’m sorry...I’m truly sorry I hurt you, but I had to think this through. You were right. I was afraid. I was afraid that when you got to know me better you wouldn’t be able to love me.”
“You didn’t give me a chance.”
“I know, but I’m the type of man dads chase away with shotguns. I’m more than a little rough on the edges. I’ve been vengeful, set on material things and more than a little selfish.” He took a deep breath. “And I didn’t like letting people get close to me. But with your help, I can change.”
“I don’t think you need my help, because you’ve already changed. Everything you’ve said has told me that.” He’d been soulfully honest and remorseful. But amid all his confessions, he’d also revealed himself to be a capable man who had kept his sensitive nature well under control. But there was no need for that now.
He reached out and stroked the hair away from her face. “I may not always be able to share my thoughts with you like I should, but I can damn sure try. But more than anything, I’ll love you as much as any man could possibly love a woman. What I’m saying is, would you marry me?”
In her wildest dreams, she’d never imagined such a beautiful proposal. She was speechless. At no time had they discussed the possibility of a real future together. That had only been a fantasy on her part. Now he was offering her that opportunity.
When she didn’t respond immediately, he said, “We can make it work.” His hands gently cupped her face as he kissed her forehead, her cheeks, the tip of her nose. His fingers combed through her hair with the smoothness of a symphony.
The complexities of this man amazed her.’ He could be hard and soft, brusque and gentle, confident and fearful. “Jon,” she murmured, “what changed your mind?”
“While I wrestled with myself the last couple of days, I learned a lot I didn’t like. I guess I’ve never known how to love. My sister gave me a book to read this past summer. Said it might do me some good. Well, I got around to reading it and she was right. It’s called The Little Prince.”
“I’ve read the story,” Lauren said. “I’ve always loved it.”
“Then you know what I mean when I say you’ve tamed me, Lauren. I was trying to reason, to use my brain. But it’s with the heart, not the brain, that one can see rightly. My heart needs you.”
“Then the answer is a thousand times yes, Jonathan McCain. I’d love to be your wife.”
The flame in the lantern flickered, taking with it all the tension in the cave. She could feel the heat of Jonathan’s breath on her hair, filling her with peace. So this was what it felt like to love and be loved. Somehow, Lauren knew the old ranger had just given his approval.
ISBN : 978-1-4592-7226-2
McCAIN’S MEMORIES
Copyright © 1997 by Margaret Masten and Saundra Pool
All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the editorial office, Silhouette Books, 300 East 42nd Street, New York, NY 10017 U.S.A.
All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and an incidents are pure invention.
This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.
® and TM are trademarks of Harlequin Books S.A., used under license, Trademarks indicated with ® are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the Canadian Trade Marks Office and in other countries.
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
“Cowboy, you could be dangerous,”
Letter to Reader
About the Author
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Copyright
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McCain's Memories Page 23