by B. B. Hamel
“Wait, stop,” Leah says, gasping. “I think they stopped.”
Her voice cuts through the fog. I’m gasping for breath, my chest burning, my arms heavy. Ryan’s like a weight around my chest, but he’s having a great time, laughing and smiling. He has no clue what’s happening.
I turn and look around. The guys aren’t following anymore. I spot a cop car nearby and we start walking again, catching our breath.
A cab turns up ahead and I hail it. We climb into the back and I give him my address. We head back home, hearts hammering, sweat dripping down my back.
I don’t say anything to Leah when we get home. I just take Ryan up to his room and play with him a little bit, terrified, angry, and more. I don’t know what I feel. I can sense Leah hovering nearby. I know she wants to talk, but I’m not ready.
It was a trap. A fucking trap. They were going to steal this child away from us in broad daylight. It’s the most horrible thig I can imagine… and now I know how serous they are. We can’t beat them. I don’t know how we possibly can. I keep waiting for them to break down our door and just take Ryan away.
But they don’t. It’s almost worse. We get Ryan to bed and we still don’t talk about what happened. Leah disappears to her room and I drink whisky down in the kitchen, trying to figure out what the fuck we’re going to do.
21
Leah
I wake up in a sweat, my heart hammering in my chest, and I swear there’s someone in the shadows of my room.
But I can’t move. My whole body’s paralyzed. The shadow’s there, lingering over me, watching me. I know it’s Mario Gallo, or maybe one of his fucking soldiers, ready to murder me and steal Ryan away. He’s going to cut my throat and leave me to bleed out, and I can’t move, I can’t scream.
I try desperately to get away but nothing happens. Seconds tick by, and then minutes, and slowly I start to come back to myself. My heart rate slows and I manage to finally move my head to look next to my bed.
There’s nobody. My room’s empty. I calm myself down more and sit up on one elbow, looking around, and it’s just as empty as it was before.
I don’t know what the hell that was. I guess it was some kind of waking dream, but I was totally paralyzed and I was absolutely sure that someone was standing over me, ready to murder me. I was so afraid that I was about to lose Ryan forever, but I just couldn’t move a muscle.
It was horrible. I get out of bed, still shaking slightly. I grab a t-shirt and some shorts and head out into the hallway. I go downstairs toward the kitchen, since I know I’m not sleeping.
It’s after three in the morning and the house is quiet. As I pad down the steps lightly, I expect the downstairs to be pitch black. Instead, there’s a light on in the kitchen, and I spot Connor sitting alone at the table with a glass of whisky in front of him.
It’s been a few days since the park. We haven’t spoken much and I’ve done my best to avoid him, but I can tell how badly this whole thing has affected him. He’s stressed, angry all the time, but he’s holding himself together. He’s not letting it leak out into his relationship with Ryan.
I’m trying to do that too, but it’s hard to keep it together. I almost lost him. I almost walked right into a trap set by Mario Gallo, all because I’m a trusting idiot. I made that mistake, went against Connor’s better judgement. I put us in this position.
I don’t know why I’ve been holding it against him. I guess it’s because he’s the one that saved Ryan, not me. He’s Ryan’s real father, he’s the guy that deserves to have his son, and I’m the one keeping them apart. I’ve felt like shit, unable to meet his eye, unable to even talk to him. I’m embarrassed, frankly.
I’ve been so fucking selfish. I want to keep Ryan because I love him and want to raise him, but that’s not my choice. In the end, Connor is Ryan’s real father, and I have to accept that. I can’t keep them apart, as much as I want to. It’s just selfish and stupid and foolish.
At first, I could pretend like I didn’t know Connor, and I had to make sure that he was a decent father before I’d let him take Ryan on. Now though, I know Connor’s a great father and he could absolutely handle Ryan full time if he had to. I have no question in my mind that Connor would be great at raising his son.
I’m out of excuses. I’ve done nothing but get in the way and fuck things up, and I’m ashamed of myself. What happened at the park is just proof that I’ve completely failed.
I go to turn around and head back upstairs, but Connor looks up. We meet eyes and he nods at me.
“Can’t sleep?”
I hesitate. I’ve been avoiding him for days now… but I don’t want to go back to my room. I’m so ashamed of my actions and how I put Ryan in danger, but I haven’t stopped wanting Connor, not even for a second.
I shrug a little bit. “I guess so.”
He motions at me. “Come over here. Sit down.”
I bite my lip but I listen. I walk over and silently take the chair across from him. He sighs and gets up, pours me a drink, puts it down in front of me, and sits in the chair directly next to mine.
He sips his drink in silence. I take the glass and sip mine. The whisky’s not exactly my drink of choice, but it’s warm and smoky and a little bit sweet, and the bite feels good going down.
He nods at me and lets out a breath. “I haven’t been able to sleep either,” he says. “I keep thinking about all those cars.” He stops and frowns down at the floor.
For a second, I want to reach out and touch him, but I stop myself. I can’t imagine he wants me to. I’m the one that put us into that position, the one that let it all happen.
“I’m sorry,” I say in a small voice.
He looks surprised. “What?”
“I’m sorry.” I suddenly feel all my emotions from the past few days bubbling and spilling over, and I just can’t stop myself. “It was my fault we were in that park, my fault they almost took him. I’m so sorry Connor, I’m such a bad mom, I don’t deserve to have him, I understand if—”
“Leah,” he says. “Hold on a second.”
“I understand if you want to take him.” I sit back, completely deflated and drained. “I think you should.”
He blinks. “I had no clue you felt this way.”
I nod a little but I can’t meet his gaze. I feel horrible, like part of me is splitting into tiny pieces, and I have nothing left to hold on to.
He reaches out and takes my hand. “It’s not your fault.”
I blink. “Yes, it is.”
“No, it isn’t. I let that meeting take place just as much as you did.”
“You didn’t want it.”
“Maybe. But I haven’t exactly been making great decisions lately, either.” He sighs, squeezing my hand. “Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?”
I nod a little, ashamed. “You’re not angry?”
“Not at all.” He laughs a little. “I don’t know how I could be.”
“It was my fault,” I repeat, but he just shakes his head again.
“You made one bad decision, so what? We both want what’s best for Ryan and you took a chance. Nothing bad came of it.”
“They almost got him.”
“They didn’t.” He squeezes my hand tighter and moves closer in his chair. “Listen to me, Leah. I’m here for you. I don’t want to take him away.”
It floods over me in a gush of emotion, and the tears just start coming. I can’t stop myself, and it only gets worse when he pulls me tight against him, hugging me close.
It feels so good, being against his broad, strong chest. He holds me and whispers into my ear but I don’t hear what he’s saying. I made a decision in this moment and I know I might regret it one day, but I’ll never go back. I know it’s time, it’s been time for a while now. I can’t keep acting like I have any say in the situation at all.
Slowly I get myself together. I must look pathetic, crying in the kitchen in the middle of the night like this, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He
just hugs me tight until I slowly calm down and stop crying.
I wipe my face with my shirt and he sighs. “Are you okay?”
“He’s your son.”
He blinks. “What?”
“He’s your son,” I repeat, before I lose the nerve. “You have to take custody of him. I’ll… I’ll still help you. I mean, if you want me to, but you have to take custody of him.”
He stares at me, clearly surprised. I squeeze onto his hand, making sure he doesn’t let go of me, and he doesn’t. He just watches quietly, and I don’t know what he’s thinking.
“How long have you been thinking this?” he asks.
“A while now,” I admit. “Ever since we moved in here. Maybe before that.”
He nods slowly. “I don’t want you to make this decision just because of what happened at the park.”
“It’s not just that,” I say. “It’s everything. You’re his father. You’re good with him. I can’t stand in the way of that.”
He lets out a slow breath and I hold his hand tighter. “Okay,” he says finally. “Of course it’s what I want, but I’m not going to force it.”
“Please. He’s your son.”
He nods again and our eyes meet. Something sharp hits me in my chest and I lean up against him, my mouth tipped up toward his, and he kisses me.
It’s not a kiss like all the others. This one has meaning and significance, and I think we both feel it. His tongue slides against mine and I press my body closer to his. I love his taste, the feeling of his lips, every inch of his body. I need him so badly right now, because I feel like I’m finally giving something up, but I know it’s the right thing.
My image of my future shifts again. I’ve been seeing myself as Ryan’s mother and I’ve been planning for that. Years in the future I see myself taking care of him, being there for him, sacrificing for him. I was ready to do it, ready to make my life all about this little boy that just appeared one day, essentially out of nowhere. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to do it. I wasn’t ready to be a mother, but I was ready to do it anyway.
Now though, that image of myself is shifting again. It’s changing into something else. My future feels blank now, stretching out ahead of me into the unknown. I have no clue what I’ll become, and I have to wrench myself away from that image, back into the moment, back into Connor’s arms.
And it feels so much better. I press myself tighter against him, kissing him deeper, and he must sense my desperation. He pulls me off my chair and puts me into his lap, legs spread and straddling him. He kisses me so deep and slow before pulling off my shirt. I take off his shirt, and he kisses my chest and neck as I toss my head back, his hands in my hair.
I groan softly as he cups my bare breasts, teasing my nipples. I move my hips against him, grinding down and letting the pleasure bloom in me. He grunts softly and I kiss him against as his hand cup my ass and slide up my back.
I love the feeling of his finger tips on my skin as he stands up, my hair falling down along my shoulders. He pushes me back against the table and lifts me up, sitting me down on the edge. He kisses my neck, cupping my breasts against, and I reach down to pull off his gym shorts.
He’s hard as hell as I slide his cock from his boxers. He grunts as I slowly stroke him, looking up into his eyes. He’s the man I need and want so badly it almost hurts, although I’ve been denying myself the pleasure for so long now, afraid that he might take something away from me.
Now that I’ve given it up, I can give even more.
He grunts and pulls my hair back, making me gasp, he pushes me and I prop myself up on my elbows as he pulls my shorts and my panties off. He teases my pussy with his fingers, sliding inside and back as he leans over me and kisses me chest and neck.
“Oh god,” I groan softly as he pushes his fingers deeper. “Is this a good idea?”
“I can stop whenever you want me to,” he whispers, a little smirk on his lips. “But I suspect you don’t want that.”
“I don’t want you to stop,” I groan, and he laughs softly.
“Good. Let me take care of you.” He pulls his fingers back and slides between my legs, his mouth on my inner thigh until he finds my clit. He sucks and licks me, making moans escape my lips in heavy bursts.
He spreads my legs wider and pushes his tongue inside of me, lapping me up, tasting me. I love it and I use one hand to press him tighter against my pussy, groaning and moaning and practically out of my mind. He moves up again and kisses me, and I can feel his hard cock against my soaked cunt, teasing me, teasing me, making me insane.
He presses himself inside with a sharp thrust and I gasp. He kisses my lips and slowly pulls back before pressing in deeper. He fucks me slow at first, holding my legs spread before grabbing my hips and fucking me faster.
The table shakes as he fills me. I groan his name, looking into his eyes, and his expression is full of desire. I love it, every inch of his hard cock splitting me open, the way his hands touch my skin, wandering over my body. I love the way he looks at me like he can’t look away even if he wanted to. It makes me need him so badly it almost hurts, and I move my hurts, gyrating and sliding deeper and deeper. His grunts get louder as he fucks me hard.
He stops and pulls me off the table. I gasp as he pushes me up against the counter, spinning me around and spreading my legs. His fingers tease me first before he spreads my ass and slides his cock up inside my cunt. I groan and he grabs my hair, pulling my chin back, and fucks me hard from behind. I grasp the granite and hold tight, his one hand on my breasts, his other in my hair, completely controlling me, dominating me. I love how huge he is, big and muscular and intense, and his cock splits me wide. I feel like I’m being destroyed, and I love every moment of it.
He tips my head back and kisses me. “This is mine now,” he says softly. “This fucking wet cunt is mine.”
“Every inch,” I moan, not thinking about it.
“That’s right, every inch. Fuck, Leah, I don’t care what’s going to happen. I just want this.” He thrusts hard and I moan.
He reaches around my hip and starts to work my clit with his fingers. He fucks me at the same time and I move my back, bucking against him, riding his big cock as he rubs my clit and I can feel the pressure, the big build coming up through me. I’m sweating and I need the release so badly I’m almost losing my mind, and he’s not stopping, he’s not even slowing down.
He fucks me harder, lets me ride him, keeps working my clit, and I come. I moan as my whole body convulses with pure and intense bliss, every inch of me ready for him. He groans his own pleasure and I can tell he’s close too. I move my hips and wiggle my ass as my orgasm slowly passes, and he grunts loudly, pulling himself out of me.
He turns me around and I drop to my knees automatically. I take his cock between my lips just as he comes. I take him into my throat, swallowing him, tasting his every single drop and sucking him through it as he strokes his own massive shaft.
“Ah fuck,” he groans as he finishes. “God damn, girl. You’re incredible.’
I stand and he wraps his arms around me, pulling me against him.
He holds me like that for at least a minute. We get dressed a second later and we go out onto the couch in the living room, each of us sipping our whisky. I fall down into his arms and he holds me tight.
I bury my head in his chest and I feel so stupid. “What now?” I ask him.
“What do you mean?”
“If you’re taking custody of Ryan,” I say slowly, “then you don’t need me to live with you anymore.”
He blinks, surprised. “Why not?”
“I mean… I won’t be his mother. I’ll just be… nobody.” The words are hard as hell to get out, but he lets me say it.
“No,” he says gently. “You’re not nobody. And I want you to stay.”
I bite my lip. “Why?”
“Because you’re a part of Ryan’s life now, whether you have custody or not.”
I look up into
his face and I kiss him softly. “Make sure you’re sure,” I say.
“I’m sure,” he says. “Please, I want you to stay. I can’t do this without you.”
I kiss him one more time, but I don’t answer. I don’t know what the right answer is. I thought this was going to make things simpler, but I just feel like things are even more complicated than they were before. I want to stay but I’m not Ryan’s mother. I want Connor but I’m not his girlfriend. I’m just a nobody, a ghost in this house.
I don’t know how I can possibly stay, even if every part of me wants to.
22
Connor
This isn’t how I pictured it would happen, but after that night I get a lawyer and we get the custody process started.
Fortunately, I’m not fired from my job after that incident with the laptop. I had to replace it of course, but I got off with a warning.
I can tell Leah’s struggling with it, but she doesn’t go back on her promise. The lawyer says it’s going to take a few months just for all the procedural things to get finished, so I see no reason to change anything up. As far as I’m concerned, Leah’s a part of Ryan’s life for as long as she wants to be.
And maybe I’m being a little selfish, but I need her. I want her around, not just for Ryan’s sake, but for my own. I want to come home to her, to kiss her at night, to hold her in the shower. I want to hear her laugh and goof around with her and hang out on the couch with her for hours at a time. I want everything about her, and it’s more and more obvious to me every day.
It takes a strong person to say what she said and to give up Ryan like that. She’s sacrificed so much for him, so I’m sure it’s almost impossible to let him go. I admire her in a lot of ways, and that’s part of why I need to keep her around. Aside from Ryan, she’s the best thing in my life.
We tell Ryan the truth on a Saturday afternoon. We’re out at the park, just a small little thing down the street from our place. He’s sitting next to me on the bench and Leah crouches down in front of him.