The whole day was shaping up to be pretty amazing. Together, we made the short walk to St Cuthbert’s church, me walking hand-in-hand with Mum and Dad, gossiping all the way. I’d last seen Mum in the autumn when she’d visited, but I hadn’t seen Dad in over a year, so there was lots to talk about. At the church we gathered outside in the grounds, swapping stories, all the guests coming up to Mum and Dad to greet their return. To think that Eric, Johnny, Mum and Dad were all home again in the village, in time for Stella’s christening, it was the best thing I could have hoped for. When Max turned up in his Prince of Wales check suit, white shirt and pale blue silk tie, I felt a surge of pride and affection, knowing that he was here for me. He went straight over to my parents, greeting Mum with a wide smile and a hug.
‘How lovely to see you again, Veronica.’
Her face lit up, and then even more so when he complimented her on her outfit.
I gave an indulgent smile as Mum blushed, bowled over by Max’s charming manner.
Then Max held out his hand firmly and introduced himself to my dad. ‘A pleasure to meet you, Mr Browne.’
I’d wondered when Max would get to meet Dad and now it was finally happening. I thought my heart might explode with all the love filling the air this afternoon.
The only person who was entirely underwhelmed by the proceedings was little Stella who grizzled the entire time and had bright red cheeks in expectation of some new teeth arriving, we suspected. During the service I jiggled her in my arms, but she wasn’t having any of it, and even when I handed her back to her mum, she still continued grumbling and sobbing, her tears falling onto the beautiful cream lace christening gown that Ethan had worn as a baby. Looking at him now, all six foot four tattooed inches of him, it was quite a stretch of the imagination.
‘What is the matter with that child?’ whispered Max in my ear, playfully.
‘Stop it. She’s teething, that’s all.’
‘Shouldn’t they do something with it. Like feed it. Or wind it. Or take it home.’
‘It’s what babies do,’ I said, shaking my head, laughing at him. ‘And by the way, she's a her, not an it!’
‘In that case, remind me not to sign up for one anytime soon.’
‘Behave!’ I scolded him gently.
Back at the pub, with Stella changed out of her dad’s dress and into a much more comfortable short romper suit, the festivities truly kicked off. Everyone had a glass of champagne, a fresh orange juice, a pint of beer, a cup of tea, or whatever their favourite tipple was and Stella, much happier now, chewing upon a piece of crusty french bread, was happily passed around among the guests.
Dad came up behind me and squeezed me affectionately around the waist. ‘It’s good to see you looking so well, Ellie. You were looking a bit scrawny when we left for Dubai, but having a bit of meat on your bones suits you.’
‘Malc!’ Mum chastised him.
‘Er, thanks Dad, I think. Did I tell you, Mum, I acted as midwife the other day when Sasha, one of our friends, went into labour unexpectedly. For a moment I thought she was going to have the baby in front of me in her living room. Honestly, it was a bit scary, but Max and I managed to get her to the hospital in time. She has a lovely little girl too now.’
‘Goodness me,’ said Mum, smiling. ‘How lovely! It’s all about babies in Little Leyton at the moment. There’s bound to be a third, you do realise that. I wonder who it will be.’ Mum’s gaze drifted around the garden. ‘Ooh look there’s Johnny, I must go and say hello to him.’
Standing beside me, Dad and Max were talking about this weekend’s Grand Prix and who was likely to win, so I zoned out, my gaze following Mum as she wandered over to the other side of the garden, her words, delivered casually, playing over and over in my head.
There’s bound to be a third.
What a daft thing to say! Just superstitious nonsense. I didn’t usually believe in that sort of stuff, but for some reason her words struck a chord with me. My hands instinctively went to my belly as a sense of realisation filled every cell of my body.
I’d missed my last period entirely, but it wouldn’t have been the first time, and this month, well, I was… late. Everything slowed down in my head as the bits of the puzzle were magnetically drawn together. The evidence: I’d been overwhelmingly tired, as people had so kindly kept pointing out, my emotions were all over the place and, I held up the flute of champagne in my hand that I’d barely touched, looking at it accusingly, my taste for the fizz had all but disappeared. Not to mention my fainting fit, and the struggle I’d had getting into my dress this morning.
The sun flooded the beer garden with its goodwill and people sought shelter under the wide patio umbrellas. Laughter, chatter and bonhomie filled the air, but with every passing second I drifted further away from all the people around me and closed in deeper on myself as I tried to make sense of the dawning realisation inside.
‘Oh here she is.’ Josie came up and planted a kiss on my check. ‘Thanks for everything, darling. You’ve been brilliant, and all this,’ she gestured to the barn, where people were helping themselves to the buffet, ‘is just perfect. You’ve done us proud, really you have. Come on.’ She foisted Stella upon me. ‘We need to have some more photos.’
I pulled Stella into my embrace, our cheeks touching, her hands reaching out for me, little fingers grasping my hair, her hold surprisingly tight. She filled my arms with her fullness and something stirred deep down inside, something instinctual, something I simply couldn’t ignore.
‘Look at you two,’ said Josie, peering into her camera. ‘So gorgeous!’
I was still laughing and smiling, going through the motions, but suddenly I felt detached from the whole proceedings, my mind drifting off to another place entirely. After the photos, I handed Stella back to her mum and made my excuses, before wandering off through into the bar.
‘Hey, Ellie, where you going?’
I’d slipped off unnoticed, or so I thought, but my heart slumped hearing Max’s voice behind me, just as my hand reached the knob of the front door. I closed my eyes, not knowing how I would face him. What could I tell him?
Bugger!
Sasha popped into my head, the parallels to her situation resonating deep down inside me. She’d been in a new and exciting relationship, had fallen unexpectedly pregnant, and her new man had made a hasty retreat. I took a deep breath and turned around to look into his handsome face, wanting to tell him my suspicions, but knowing I couldn’t.
‘Max!’ Oh Max. Why? And looking so bloomin’ gorgeous today too. It just wasn’t fair. ‘I’m popping out for some fresh air.’
‘Fresh air? You’ve been in the garden for the last hour.’
‘Ha. Yes. No. I need to go and do something. I won’t be long. I promise.’
‘I’ll come with you.’ He stepped towards me.
‘No!’
His face darkened at my sharp response, his eyes narrowing as he observed me. ‘What’s wrong, Ellie?’
‘Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.’ Pull yourself together, Ellie. Act normal. Act as though you haven’t just discovered something that could be potentially life-changing. ‘Ten minutes, I promise, and I’ll be back.’
Not bothering to wait for Max’s reaction, I dashed out. There’d be plenty of time for difficult conversations later. Why I was even going through this charade, I didn’t know. Rushing to the shops in the hope that there might somehow be a get out of jail free card? That I might be putting two and two together and getting five? That I might just have gone off on a wild flight of fancy and really it was all a big misunderstanding?
It wouldn’t take me long, less than two minutes, or so the packet that was sitting furtively inside the paper bag I’d been clutching all the way home said.
‘Did you get what you needed?’
‘Oh yes, thank you.’
I span round, taken aback. I'd sneaked a peek through the window as I returned to the pub and confident that all the christening guests were still o
ut the back enjoying the sunshine, I'd been just about to dash upstairs, unnoticed.
Had Max been lying in wait for me? Could he somehow know? No, surely not. This whole episode was playing with my head, making me nervous.
‘Good, so are you going to come back to the party?’
‘What? Oh yes, just one moment.’
I ran upstairs. Two minutes that's all it would take. I could do the test and get back downstairs again before Josie and her guests had even noticed I was gone. Sitting on my bed, I pulled out the packet from the paper bag, reaching for the instructions. My hands shook as I unfolded the leaflet inside.
‘Ellie?’
I heard footsteps at the top of the stairs. Grabbing the box and the papers, I quickly stuffed them behind my pillow just as Max appeared at my bedroom door.
‘Sorry, Ellie, but I was worried about you. You’re not feeling faint again, are you?’
‘No,’ I said smiling. I kicked off my heels sharply. ‘I was just changing my shoes. These are absolutely killing me.’
It would have to wait until later.
Twenty-Seven
Most of the christening guests had departed, Josie and Ethan had taken Stella home, along with some of their relatives who were staying the night, only a small group including Mum and Dad, Max, Polly, Eric, Paul and Caroline, Betty and her husband, Victoria and Trish Evans, and Johnny had gathered around the long table outside, and looked set to remain there long into the evening. Ordinarily I would have been sat with them, soaking up the atmosphere, engaging in the conversation, making sure my friends had all the drinks they needed. Not this evening though. Ever since the weight of Mum’s words had registered with me, I’d felt removed from the whole situation. As though I was watching it all unfold from a distance.
When Max went off to the bar to get another round in, and with my friends and family deep in conversation, I headed upstairs, closing the door shut on my bedroom. I delved beneath my pillow and pulled out the box, looking at it accusingly, as if it was somehow to blame for my predicament. I ripped off all the packaging and threw it to one side. Two minutes that’s all, two minutes before I knew for certain my fate. I dashed into the bathroom and came out again shortly afterwards, clutching onto that little stick as though my life depended on it, which it did.
I sat down on the bed, cuddling a cushion to my chest, the answer staring out at me from the little stick. I don’t know how long I was sitting there for, lost in my thoughts, but it was Digby who brought me back to the moment, nudging my hand with his wet nose, something he often did when I was thoughtful. Or sad. He looked up at me with those soulful dark brown eyes and emotion welled up inside me.
‘Oh Digby, what on earth are we going to do?’
He edged forward and licked my hand.
I’d wanted a baby. One day. Sometime in the future. In my mid-thirties, I’d always imagined. When I had a successful career behind me, a happy marriage, a family home and a dog. Well, one out of four wasn’t bad. It was something for the future. Not for now. Not when I’d taken on the pub. I still had so much work to do here. So many plans. The simple truth was I didn’t want a baby now. It was completely the wrong time. And what about Max? I couldn’t even bear to think about Max. I knew exactly what he thought about babies, he’d made that perfectly clear.
‘Ellie, are you in there?’
‘Er…’ Quickly, I got rid of the evidence, furtively stuffing the test back under the pillow. Before I had a chance to reply, the door flung open and Max stood on the threshold, the same dark expression on his face, that he’d worn earlier. When was that man going to learn some manners?
‘Can’t you knock before you come barging into my bedroom,’ I snapped. ‘What is it, Max? What do you want?’ I knew I shouldn’t be taking it out on him right now, but I just couldn’t get a handle on my emotions.
‘I was worried about you, that’s all.’ His expression softened, concern in his eyes. ‘I just came to see that you were okay?’
‘I’m fine,’ I said, in imminent danger of bursting into tears.
I stood up and pulled the covers over the bed, adjusted the curtains, folded up the towel on my chair, anything to avoid looking at Max. I wasn’t ready to talk to him. I still couldn’t believe it myself. Maybe only two minutes, but in that time my whole future had shifted. I needed to come to terms with this. To decide what is was I was going to do. There were so many questions fighting for attention in my head. How would I manage the pub and bringing up a baby? Could I really carry on as landlady of The Dog and Duck? What would I tell my family and friends? What would my mum say? And most importantly, what on earth was I going to tell Max?
‘Come on, Ellie.’ He walked closer and I felt the air crushing in on me. ‘You haven’t been right all day. There’s something worrying you, I can tell. What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing’s wrong.’ I bristled from his proximity and turned away. ‘I just need a bit of time on my own, that’s all.’
‘I know you better than that.’ His hands found my waist and he spun me around, my whole body tensing to his touch. Sensing my reluctance, he quickly removed his hands and took a step backwards. ‘Hey, Ellie, what is it?’
‘Just leave it, would you? Please, Max. Just go. I really don’t want to talk about it now.’
I hated seeing the bewilderment on Max’s features. Today was meant to be a special day for making memories. Now I would forever remember Stella’s christening for all the wrong reasons.
‘If that’s what you really want.’ He shrugged. ‘Is it something I’ve done?’
I shook my head. ‘No.’ I just wanted him out so I could have some time to think, to decide what I was going to do next. ‘It’s nothing. It’s just…’
‘Hey, what’s that?’
My stomach curdled at his words. In what seemed like slow motion, he bent down reaching out for the discarded wrappings on the floor.
‘No, don’t!’
But it was too late.
He picked it up, turning it over in his hands, his eyes meeting mine in a moment of recognition and understanding.
‘My god,’ he said, examining the pieces of paper he had retrieved.
‘I’ve only just found out this afternoon,’ I said gazing out of the window. ‘I had no idea. Then my mum mentioned something and it was like, oh my god. The penny dropped. I was going to tell you Max, honestly I was, I just needed some time to get things straight in my head.’
‘Right. I see.’
He’d fallen quiet, clearly taking in the enormity of what I’d just told him, obviously trying to come up with something to say, something to placate me, but I didn’t need his sympathy or his false promises. A fire burned within me, my hand instinctively cupping my stomach, something instinctual kicking in.
‘Hmm, that would explain things then.’
‘What?’
I turned to look at him directly, gauging his reaction. His dark brown eyes shone intently, the corners of his lips raised in the faintest of smiles.
‘It would explain why you’ve looked so goddamn sexy today.’
‘What? You’ve just found out I’m carrying your baby and that’s all you can say.’
He nodded, almost apologetically. ‘I’ve not been able to take my eyes off you. All day long. Now I know why. Every single time I’ve searched you out, I’ve been taken aback by how lovely you are. Just how much I love you.’ He paused, the intensity of his gaze sending ripples down my spine. ‘Look at you,’ he said, coming towards me and reaching out a hand to my cheek. ‘Your hair is shining, your skin is glowing and, if you don’t mind me saying, your tits look absolutely magnificent in that dress. Pregnancy clearly suits you, Ellie.’
I was locked in his gaze, a pulse in my forehead beating furiously. ‘Yes, but…’ I faltered a moment, wondering whether I should feel insulted or flattered by his comment. I was taken aback too by the fact that Max hadn't turned on his heel and run.
‘There are no buts, Ellie.’
; ‘Oh Max. There are plenty of buts. I didn’t plan this. It’s a complete disaster. I’ve got so much to do, a pub to run and…’
‘You do want to keep our baby?’ Max’s tone was serious now.
‘Yes.’ No question. ‘It’s just…’
‘Then it’s fine. Absolutely fine. You’re overthinking this, Ellie. You know, you can’t always plan things down to the tiniest detail. Sometimes you just have to make it up as you go along and go where the journey takes you. And this journey will be a great adventure, can’t you see that? You won’t be doing this alone. You’ve got a great support team around you. And you’ve got me.’ He held the top of my arms firmly, looking into my eyes beseechingly.
I wanted to fall into his arms, for him to caress me and tell me everything would be all right. Max would do that for me because he was that type of man. An honourable man, but I was under no illusions, Max hadn’t wanted this, any more than I had. It was far too early in our relationship for having babies.
‘Oh Max, I appreciate what you’re saying, but I don’t expect anything from you. This is something that’s happened, and I’ll deal with it.’
‘Come on, Ellie. Stop with the I’m an independent woman and I don’t need you in my life crap.’ He sounded rattled. ‘This has happened to us. And…’ he nodded, as though only just considering the enormity of it, ‘I don’t know about you, but I think it’s pretty wonderful.’
I wrapped my arms around my chest not knowing what to think. ‘You don’t mean that, Max. Only the other week you were saying how you couldn’t imagine yourself having children. How relieved you were that it was Sasha in that situation and not you. Look at you today with Stella. You don’t even like babies!’
He shrugged, and curled his lip. ‘You know something, I’m coming round to them. When that kid stopped grizzling she was pretty cute. And you might not have noticed it but I spent a fair amount of time this afternoon with Stella on my lap having a fairly intense conversation about the merits of the Summer Meadow ale. She agreed it’s pretty decent.’
Summer at the Dog & Duck Page 24