by Leigh, Ember
“Then why won’t you talk to me? If you didn’t get beat up at work, then where did you—”
“Where’s the boy?”
Lila blinked rapidly. “What?”
“Where’s my son.”
Lila frowned. “He’s in the car. Why?”
Lex shook his head, turning to go back inside. She needed to get the fuck out of there. And with Lane outside? If Knuckles showed up and found out there was a kid involved, Lex would lose his mind. He couldn’t expose them to any more risk. That was the least he could do.
“Get out of here.” Lex steeled himself as he reached for the door, sending her a scowl. “And I fucking mean it.”
Lila covered her mouth with her hands, openly sobbing. “What happened to you? Why are you being so cruel?”
“Go!” He shouted it and slammed the door shut, stomach lurching like he was about to puke. He couldn’t look at her anymore, couldn’t stand around while the two of them came anywhere near him. This was beyond the betrayal; this was for their safety. She couldn’t know now, and maybe never would. That was the least he could do. Guarantee his son an untroubled future. But the only way to ensure that was by Lila keeping him far away from Lex.
Heat washed over him, knees threatening to give out as he headed for the staircase. He stumbled over the bottom step, sparking a bellowing rage that leapt from his core. He kicked at the step, his foot colliding with the wood. He kicked it again for good measure and then punched at the wall.
The drywall splintered under the force, an inglorious hole marring the creamy white finish. He stormed up the stairs, feeling only infinitesimally relieved. There was still so much inside begging to be let out. So many emotions that needed to see the light of day, via fist or snapping of bones.
But this was the rage he needed to hang onto. He couldn’t let it all go leaking out, wasting precious droplets on the drywall. This rage would carry him through another fight. This rage would make sure Cheshire remained the victor.
He paced the loft, keeping a few feet away from the wooden railing separating the loft edge from the open air. He didn’t trust himself not to snap a banister and chuck it across the apartment. His landlord would have a field day. Goodbye security deposit.
But maybe he should. He was on that path already. Goodbye life as he knew it, too.
The Kings thought they had him at an impasse. And if he was sane, he’d think so too.
But the crazy side of him whispered he had a way out. With every second that passed not knowing the boy he’d created with Lila, the choice became clearer. Not only did he have to get out from under the thumb of the Kings, he had to make sure they never called again.
Orchestrating a graceful exit was hoping for a miracle, and he’d already used that Get Out Of Kings Free pass four years back. They’d fight him until the money dried up. And who knew when that would happen? Could be weeks. Months. If he even survived that long.
He pressed his palms to the back of his head, shoulders aching at the slight stretch. He had until Saturday to heal up. But it was better if he didn’t. Showing up to the game weak might make his fall from grace believable. Might mean that he could pull off the sinuous idea that had weaved itself through him like thread.
Because the only option he had left was simple: throw the fight. Offer himself up at the very end, fake one missed punch, insert the slightest slipup that would make it look like he’d lost fair and square.
What came after set his teeth on edge. Hoping for the real miracle. That his opponent would have mercy on him. That he wouldn’t leave the parking lot in a body bag.
Lex swallowed back a wave of fear, gripping the railing like his life depended on it.
How could he get to know that boy now if all he’d end up doing was letting him down? Hey, I’m your dad. Except now Dad is dead. He wouldn’t do that to the sweet-faced boy. Let Lila make up any story she wanted; it had served them both well enough for this long.
Sadness wracked his body and he fell to his knees, pressing his forehead against the beveled rail. Fuck this. Fuck all of this. This wasn’t fair, and if he’d ever done anything to deserve this, he hoped this was the repentance the snarky gods were looking for.
Through the haze of uncertainty, one thing became clear. He wanted to be this boy’s father. He wanted to heal these wounds with Lila. It didn’t matter how long those things took, because they were the only things worth fighting for.
Except in this case, he’d have to lose in order to win them. He just needed to survive the aftermath.
Lex scrambled to his feet, running to his bedside table. He pulled out a scratch pad and pen and got to work writing a note. If everything went south, if he really did leave the parking lot in a body bag…then Lila needed to know a few things.
He uncapped the pen and started writing.
Chapter 22
THEN
Lila sat on the edge of the couch, knee bouncing wildly. This whole week had been fucked. First, her driver’s-side window had stopped working. That should have been the warning signal, really, of the shit show to come. Then there had been all the complications with changing her major. Dropping law was apparently harder than she’d thought. She practically needed a lawyer to get out of it. What stupid irony.
And then her dad. Lila had made the mistake of telling her mom she was pregnant and somehow—surprise, surprise—her dad had found out. He wouldn’t stop complaining about her decision. Her body, her choice didn’t even fucking register with him. And when it wasn’t the pregnancy, it was the new major. Everything from job forecasts to breakdowns of future 401(k) options had been thrown at her. Like she fucking cared if she retired a millionaire. She just wanted to help people.
Even though she couldn’t help her own boyfriend.
Her head dropped to her hands. She stared at the dingy brown carpet of the living room. He should have been home hours ago. His whole plan today had been to go pay the rent, grab groceries, come home, and study.
It was almost ten p.m., and he was now one day closer to failing out of school. But he’d been on that trajectory the entire time. She hugged herself. What did she expect? He’d never wanted to study business. All he wanted to do was beat people up and snort coke.
Her phone dinged with a message. Her heart climbed to her throat, hoping for Lex. But no. Just her freaking dad again. She sighed, swiping open the text message.
“Your mother and I have been talking. If you keep the baby, we’ll pay for your schooling. Nursing school too.”
Lila inhaled sharply, rereading the message over and over again. No way. She hadn’t expected this in a million years. The agreement had been they’d pay half her schooling, she’d pay the other half. But once she announced she was switching to nursing, her father had backed out of the deal.
Her mom must have gotten to him. She set the phone aside. That was a big decision to make. Too big for right now. And besides, having a baby just to get through school? Seemed a little fucked up.
Besides, she had an appointment at the clinic for next Wednesday. Lex was supposed to go with her, but of course he’d probably forgotten already. Part of her wanted him to be there, but she didn’t know if she could take this any longer.
Lila stood and paced the kitchen. Thank God they’d had enough food for her to scrape together shitty pasta. She gnawed on her bottom lip, checking the clock again. Frustration had been building inside her for so long it had fermented into something different altogether. Disappointment mingled with fear. Anger had hardened off into resentment, like molten lava exposed to cold air. Lex had broken too many damn promises. He knew where this was going.
Her duffel bag waited on the bed already. A promise. To herself, maybe. But to Lex.
The doorknob jiggled. A moment later, Lex stumbled in. His knuckles were bloodied, half crusted over. He looked at her with one eye pinched shut.
“Sup, babe?” Slurred words. She sniffed, looking away.
“Don’t even get a hello?” He scoffed, hea
ding into the kitchen. He pulled open the fridge, staring inside dully. “Man, we don’t have any food.”
“You told me you were going to the grocery store.” Anger bubbled up—so apparently there was still some left—and her palms itched with the urge to pack her bag. This shit was so old.
She’d thought the pregnancy might kick him into high gear. Knock some sense into him. Even though they’d decided not to go through with it, the very fact of being pregnant held a gravity that apparently was lost on Lex. He hadn’t curbed any of his habits, not even for a second.
“Well, I didn’t.” He slammed the fridge shut.
“Yeah, you don’t do a lot of things.” She fought to keep her voice level. “Like go to classes. Or run simple errands. Or basically any fucking thing you tell me you’re going to do.”
Lex eyed her from the kitchen. When he spoke, his voice held a deadly clarity that sent a chill through her. “What are you trying to say?”
“I already said it. You don’t fucking do anything you say you’re gonna do. All you do is fight and get high and fight some more and occasionally get drunk.” She gestured toward him. “Look at you!”
“I had a night with the boys,” he began, but she shook her head, slicing her hands through the air.
“It’s always a night with the boys, or something that pissed you off, or whatever bullshit excuse you come up with.” Staring at him, she clenched her fists, as if it might bolster the decision she’d put off making for too long. “I’ve fucking had it, Lex. I’m not sticking around for this shit anymore.”
She stomped off to the bedroom, the empty duffel bag more of a relief than she’d counted on. She headed for the dresser, realizing that by not packing she’d still been holding onto a shred of hope. But this was done. The Lex she’d fallen in love with wasn’t living with her. This was someone else.
Lex’s footsteps followed her quickly. “What are you doing?”
“I’m leaving.” She scooped up all of her things from the top drawer and dumped them into the bag. Lex stood at the side of the bed, watching as she scooped out the second drawer.
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.” She slammed the second drawer shut then started on the third. When she turned back around, Lex was unpacking her duffel bag.
“Stop it.” He tossed some of her shirts across the bed. “This isn’t funny.”
“It’s not a joke, asshole.” She retrieved the shirts he tossed but he grabbed more items from the bag, tossing them to random spots around the room. Her breath came out in short spurts as she watched him undo her progress.
“You’re not going anywhere.” His face was set, jawline hard, his eyes a shade of brown so dark they were nearly black. The quarter sized pupils were just one sign of many.
“You can’t stop me.” Her fingers trembled as she tried to pick the most important items without having the bandwidth to even see what she was grabbing for. “I’ve told you a billion times that I’m sick of this shit. The way you’re living. I don’t want to do it anymore!”
“What, then? What do you want from me?” He grabbed her wrists, stilling her. The tang of alcohol reached her. “What is it?”
“You already know,” she said through gritted teeth. “Stop fucking using.”
“Then fine.” He released her, tossing his hands in the air. “I’m done. I’ll stop. If it means you’ll stay.”
She laughed haughtily. “You think I’m gonna believe that? Seriously, how many times have you promised to stop?”
“I always promised to cut back, never to stop.” He sniffed hard, hands on his hips. “This time I’m serious.”
She snatched up a few pairs of underwear, then zipped the duffel bag closed. With a meaningful look his way, she said, “Bye, Lex.”
Somehow he let her pass by him. But the second she reached for the front door, he raced ahead, inserting himself between her and the door.
“Don’t fucking leave, Lila.” His voice came out shattered. Oh, the mood swings. Now suddenly he was hurting and wounded. “Don’t you dare fucking do this to me.”
“Do this to you?” She couldn’t hide the incredulity. “I’m doing nothing to you. You’ve done everything to yourself.”
She reached for the doorknob again, but he thwacked his hands against the door. She jumped.
“Just give me another chance.” His voice cracked. A tear escaped his eye.
“I’ve given you all the chances in the world, Lex. Don’t you see that? Don’t you remember?” She knit her brows as she searched his face, trying to locate where he’d put the old Lex. If she looked hard enough, maybe she’d find him in there still.
But anger stormed him, like the dark cloud cover before a thunderstorm, and suddenly he hauled back and punched the wall, lodging his fist in the drywall.
Her breath caught, her limbs turning to Jell-O. A pitiful sob escaped him, and then he roared.
“Don’t go,” he wailed. “Don’t leave me, babe.”
Lila tamped down her emotions, the ones telling her to take him in her arms, the ones suggesting she should stay the night, just to make sure he didn’t hurt himself. It had to be now.
It was now or never.
She pulled open the door and rushed outside, feet pounding against the familiar grated steps to the ground floor. She ran as fast as she could, not daring to look back, not willing to slow even for a moment.
If she stopped, then she’d let him back in.
And if he stayed in her life, then he’d never change. They’d just continue the same dismal cycle, the same shitty patterns that only led to more and more suffering.
Lila hopped into her car and started the engine with shaky hands. She didn’t even glance back at the apartment building as she peeled away.
She’d never loved, and might never again love, a man as hard as she loved Lex.
But love couldn’t cure everything. And Lex needed something she could give him only through leaving: the gift of figuring his shit out.
Chapter 23
Lila pressed at her key fob to unlock her SUV. She’d left it locked and running with the AC on while she ran inside to talk to Lex. Golden hues bathed LA in the setting sun. The type of romantic air she’d shared with Lex just weeks ago. And now, never again.
She yanked at the handle but it didn’t budge. She pulled again. Nothing.
“Fucking come on.” She stabbed at the key fob with her thumb. The door lock clicked, and she pulled the door so hard it blasted open and lodged into the side of the car next to her.
“Sweet baby Jesus.” She continued muttering obscenities as she carefully dislodged the door from the car beside her. She squinted, assessing the damage. It was a beater anyway. She glanced around. Nobody here. At least that she could see. Fuck it. Today was not the day to care. Lane peered at her as she scooted into the driver’s seat.
“Mommy, are we going to the store now?”
She’d promised her son a trip to the toy store. Hell, in an alternate universe she’d even thought Lex might want to join. She forced a bright smile as she turned around to back out of the parking spot. “Sure are, baby.” Despair pulsed through her, made her vision fuzzy at the edges. “Just hang tight.”
She cranked the radio as she drove, the past fifteen minutes replaying through her. Every skin-tingling, disappointing second of it.
Lex was using again. That was the only explanation. He was using, and he was punishing himself. Telling him about Lane had pushed him over the edge. And now not only had she ruined his progress, she’d proven herself right. Lex wasn’t changed. He was exactly where he’d always been.
Lila squeezed the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turned white. She didn’t know who to blame anymore. It all swirled together in a heinous cyclone of disappointment. She’d let Lex down. Now he’d let her down—again. It was hard to remember who had even started the cycle, who held the final trump card in this stupid game they played together.
Be strong. She just neede
d to keep it together. No more crying and wallowing in front of Lane. She’d excised that behavior from her repertoire during the last week. There were only so many days she could claim illness, after all. The boy wasn’t stupid. He probably knew down to his bones that his mom was highly upset about something, even if he couldn’t guess why.
So that was that. The final word. Lex wanted her out of his life, and maybe she deserved it. Or maybe he protected her from the darkness, in a way he hadn’t done before. If she stuck around and dug deeper, what would she even find?
Oh, she could imagine poking around his apartment. It had looked nice from the outside, but maybe it held secrets. Secrets that felt too familiar. Maybe she’d find the rolled-up bills, crusted at the ends with white residue. No matter how absurd it seemed, she couldn’t rule it out. The Lex she’d known this time around—he could be a fantasy.
If she burrowed deep enough, she might find the same old bones that were always buried there.
She shook her head as she drove. A fucking shame, that’s what it was. Because where would he turn to get beat up like that? Even if it was an outlet, a way to cope with the bomb she’d detonated into his life, there weren’t too many places a guy could go and find his face looking like that on the other side.
The whole thing stank. And Lila might be better off not knowing why.
The only problem with that logic was that it didn’t hold up under the piercing gaze of her heart. Telling herself not to care didn’t make it happen. There was no magic wand with Lex. She’d learned this the first time around. If she never saw him again, she’d still live the rest of her days wondering about him. Wishing for a third chance. Desperate to feel his arms squeezing around her, smoothing away the worries of the world.
“Mommy, can I get a train set?”
Lila smiled at her son through the rearview mirror. How was it possible he looked like Lex more each day? She was surprised Lex didn’t discover her lie the second he saw Lane in the photo that day. “Maybe. We’ll have to see how much it costs when we get there.”