"Noted," he promised.
"What did you want?" I asked, searching his face.
"I wanted to know what you were doing tonight," Jax answered earnestly, still looking at me. His dark eyes were full of desire and yearning. He put his hands in his jean pockets, giving me the space I needed.
"I'm hanging out with my best friend," I said, resuming my walk. I didn't have time to stand there exchanging starry eyes with some guy, even if he was intoxicatingly handsome. He was designed to make a girl's ovaries scream with desire.
"Oh." Jax sounded disappointed, but I didn't spare him a look as he kept up with my pace. "Well, how about tomorrow?"
"I work," I answered, trying not to smile. He was relentless, but I wasn't saying no either. I got the sense that if I shut him down, if I told him I wasn't interested and I meant it, he'd back off. Only...I wasn't sure if I wanted him to back off. I liked how he made me feel. I liked the unwilling smile that came to my lips whenever he was around. I hated that I liked it, but the fact that I liked it had to mean something.
"When are you free then?" Jax spun in front of me, blocking my path. His hands gently grazed my arms before he seemed to remember the rule I'd laid out for him. He let his hands fall to his sides.
"I don't know, Jax." I sighed. I was afraid, and it all circled back to my complicated history and the fact that I wasn't entirely sure if I would ever get over Iain. Even in his absence, he had a hold on me. But Jax was slipping in through the cracks.
"I just want to get to know you, a harmless coffee date between friends is all I'm asking for..." he trailed off. I wanted to call bullshit. I knew he didn't just want to be my friend, but I went along with the charade.
"Okay, after Monday's psychology lecture then." I gave in with a small smile, bowing my head as I skirted around him to resume my walk.
"Awesome," Jax said. I could hear the smile in his voice. I felt his eyes on me as I turned onto the street where Jenna and I lived.
Jenna was waiting in our apartment, sitting on one of the island stools. She was ready to go, her purse over her right shoulder and a light jacket on. She almost glared at me when I walked in.
"I'm like, five minutes later than I said I'd be." I rolled my eyes, dropping my messenger bag on the ground. I fished my wallet out, grabbing my barely used purse from a hook by the door. I shoved my wallet inside. "Okay, let's go."
Even though Jenna and I lived together, we still tried to make a habit of getting out together as often as we could. Our schedules differed vastly from one another.
Jenna also kept busy with volunteering. Several nights a week, she volunteered for a crisis line. At first, it had been incredibly hard for her, but then she realized that she had more to give then her own fear and anxiety. She had empathy.
It was the same reason why I couldn't leave that door closed at that party and let Andrew Cooper destroy her.
"Where do you want to go?" I asked, rolling my head to work out kinks in my neck.
"The St. Laurent Centre works," Jenna answered. She had already called for a cab; it was waiting by the front door of our building. I should have known. Two of Jenna's favourite stores could be found in that shopping centre: Le Chateau and Guess.
We caught up on the cab ride over, talking about our days.
"I thought I saw him today," she said. She tried to sound casual, but she couldn't keep the fear from making her voice waver.
"Who?" I asked. I was trying to comb the tangles out of my hair with my fingers, but I froze upon hearing the tone in her voice.
"Andrew."
"You have a restraining order against him," I reminded her, trying to force my body to relax. "He's not supposed to be anywhere near you. I doubt he'd even try it." Besides, the last thing I had heard about the Coopers was that Carl, Andrew's father, was still in jail and that Andrew and his mom moved out of province to escape the embarrassment of being seen in public.
"Yeah, I know." Jenna sighed deeply as the cab pulled into the parking lot of the St. Laurent Centre.
The vastness of the St. Laurent Centre wasn't lost on either of us. It rivaled shopping centres in Toronto, and made the North Gate Mall look like a small strip mall. The interior was magnificent; everything was gleaming and new even though it opened in 1967.
"I saw Jax on my walk home," I told Jenna, trying to draw her away from the dark thoughts as we walked inside the main doors.
"Oh?" Jenna asked, raising an eyebrow coyly at me. "And?"
"And I tripped, and he caught me. And he smells so damn delicious and he feels amazing and I hate it," I summed up, frowning deeply. Jenna laughed, a rich, warm laugh that always made me feel relieved to hear.
My rant about Jax pulled Jenna away from her dark, worrisome mood. I told her about saying yes to a coffee date. I swear she squealed so loudly that several people stopped to stare at us.
"It's good seeing you get worked up about someone," Jenna remarked, pawing through several outfits on the sales rack at Le Chateau. I rolled my eyes at her, resisting the urge to stick my tongue out as well.
It was true, though. I'd fallen into a ridiculous, self-imposed numbness after Iain.
"Whatever," I said. "Can you just pick something? You're going to dinner and a movie, not some swanky release party with a celebrity." I paused thoughtfully. "Well, actually...you are going out with Harry Potter. Maybe some new dress robes?"
"Shut up." Jenna laughed, rolling her eyes at me. She picked up a royal blue Jersey knit V-neck sleeveless dress and held it up to her thin body.
"Go try it on," I encouraged.
While Jenna was in the changing room, I drifted over to do a little shopping for myself. My eyes found a beautiful pair of fake leather lace-up boots. It had been a while since I splurged on myself, and I wanted a couple new outfits anyway. Just in case.
I ended up grabbing the boots as well as a soft gray knit tiered top. I snagged another pair of black stretch slim leg jeans, and a checkered chiffon blouse before making my way over to the changing rooms to try on my own selections.
As I waited for a spare changing room, Jenna stepped out in the dress. She looked stunning, dressed up but not overdressed.
"Perfect," I told her, nodding my approval. "Harry Potter won't know what magical spell hit him."
Jenna rolled her eyes at my insistent nickname for Lucas, but she couldn't hide the genuine smile of excitement.
Le Chateau dipped a little into my savings account, but it was hard to feel guilty about it with Jenna's good mood imprinting on my own. Plus, I scored some awesome new clothes. Some of them were even on sale, which wasn't saying much—Le Chateau prices were ridiculously expensive even with the sales. I pacified myself with the reminder that I didn't often go on shopping sprees.
Jenna called for a cab and was told it would take twenty minutes. She looked at me with pleading wide eyes.
"We need to stop at Cinnabun," she said, almost salivating at the idea.
"I concur." My stomach rumbled, craving the ooey goodness. She wasn't going to have to twist my arm for that one. With our shopping bags clenched in our hands, we made our way down the escalator.
We sat at a table outside of Cinnabun after grabbing our orders, our shopping bags skewed about our feet, and started talking about random nonsensical things.
"Have you heard from Jake lately?" Jenna asked, pausing before she took a dainty bite of her cinnamon bun.
"Nope." I shrugged, unaffected. "I heard he's in the military."
"How strange." Jenna smiled, shaking her head before she voiced my original thought on the matter. "He never did get along with authority figures."
"I don't think anyone in that town did," I commented, shrugging. Jenna nodded, her smile wavering slightly.
"Oh my GOD! Hey Harlow!" an excited voice squealed before I was engulfed in a sea of red hair.
"Um, hi," I said, trying to distance myself from Crimson's excited embrace. She sank down into the free chair beside me, across from Jenna. "Jenna, this is Cr
imson. Crimson, Jenna."
"So awesome to see you here!" Crimson grinned, her coppery red hair bouncing. It was as if we hadn't spent practically the whole day together.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I work at Bed, Bath, and Body." Crimson shrugged, moving her arm so that we could see the embroidery on her shirt pocket.
Jenna was smiling with gentle amusement. She knew my dislike of making new friends first hand.
"So, how do you two know each other?" Crimson asked, breaking the beat of silence.
"We met in high school," Jenna answered. "We live together now."
"Oh, like, live together live together?" Crimson asked, looking between the two of us curiously. "Makes sense," she added, shrugging.
Jenna burst out laughing.
"No, we're friends," I corrected, amused by Crimson's behaviour. "What makes sense?"
"Oh! Well, that's cool! I mean, it would have been cool if you guys were more than friends too. I guess I just wondered because you keep shutting down Jax and, well...he's a God and he's totally into you!" Crimson said, blushing deeply.
"Well, I'm not a lesbian." I frowned.
"I didn't mean it like that!" Crimson looked guilty. She absently tucked her hair behind her ear, adjusting the position of her hearing aid.
"How hot is he?" Jenna asked Crimson, leaning forward with a mischievous glint in her eyes.
"Totally hot. Like, I would probably dump my boyfriend for him hot. Except I'm kidding, because I really like my boyfriend...but he's hot," Crimson answered, her words flowing out in a rush.
I wanted to get out of there. The topic of choice was making me fidget. "Our cab is probably here now!" I blurted.
"Oh totally! I've got to get back to work anyway. My break is over. We should all hang out sometime, maybe go and catch a movie or get a mani-pedi!" Crimson declared, standing up quickly.
She bounced away, turning briefly to wave a final time before disappearing up the escalators.
I sighed dramatically, as if interacting with Crimson had taken a lot out of me...and it had. I didn't think it was possible to find someone bubblier than Jenna. Jenna had certainly calmed down in the last few years, but Crimson's natural bubbly personality seemed to constantly over-boil.
"She seems...nice," Jenna said, standing up to throw her nearly empty plate in the garbage. I did the same before grabbing the shopping bags from under the table.
"Yeah, she is. She's just a lot to handle," I answered.
"She seems almost lonely."
"Still, I don't do spa days," I reminded her. I didn't mind painting my toenails, but I hated when total strangers touched my feet. It was not calming to me and it certainly didn't make me feel good. Jenna knew this, as she had once dragged me to a spa kicking and screaming. She now refused to ask; I had embarrassed her so much.
The cab Jenna called for was parked out front of the mall, waiting for us.
* * *
On Friday evening, Jenna was a complete nervous wreck. She was dressed in the new royal blue dress, running her hands down invisible wrinkles and obsessing over her already perfect hair and makeup.
"You look amazing," I assured her as I lounged on top of her perfectly made up bed. My hair spilled off the bottom of her mattress, and I was looking at her upside down, but Jenna's obvious beauty was clear even with my view. "Harry Potter will fall to his knees and be your man-slave!"
"Stop calling him that," Jenna said. "What if I slip up and call him that when we're out?"
I rolled over, resting my chin in my hands with a wicked grin. "Then I will love you forever and not stop laughing for the next fifteen years."
"Hmmpf." Jenna reapplied her soft pink lip gloss again, making sure that it was as perfect as she could get it. I touched the embroidered deep purple flower on her comforter. Jenna had done up her entire room in beautiful grays and deep purples. Her bedroom was a testimony to her amazing tastes. I'd basically gotten myself one of those fifty dollar bed in a bags from Walmart and called it a day.
I hadn't set up any photos, aside from the one Jenna gave me at Christmas of us both at prom. Jenna's bedroom had collages of photos, beautiful paintings that her mother had given her, and textiles to make it appear warm and inviting. She even had a small, dark gray armchair with a deep purple pillow in the corner of her room. The room definitely did not reflect the fact that a college student lived in it; it was too neat and tidy.
"How do I look?" Jenna asked nervously, smoothing the nonexistent wrinkles in her dress again as she turned to face me. She had matched the dress with a pair of classic black pumps and a black clutch.
"You look great, as I've said a hundred times," I answered as patiently as I could. Jenna had just cause to be nervous. It was her first date since, well, Jake. I knew she hadn't really been intimate with Jake. It was too soon; her scars were too raw.
I could tell by looking at Jenna that she was ready to try now, that tonight was more than just a first date to her.
I went to open my mouth again, but a sudden knock on our apartment door had us both in a scramble.
"Can you get it?" Jenna hissed, obsessively checking her hair for the millionth time. I rolled my eyes, heaving myself off of her bed and walking down the narrow hallway. Jenna hadn't only been obsessed with her appearance; she had also scrubbed our apartment from ceiling to floor and purchased ridiculously trendy throw pillows for the couch. Whenever Jenna got nervous, something got a makeover. I was just glad it wasn't me this time.
I was still smiling, shaking my head slightly at all the cosmetic work she had done to our place in the span of a week. There was no doubt about it, she was freaking out about this date.
I opened the door to Lucas. His first was raised mid-knock. He'd styled his hair and was wearing a black Ramones t-shirt, skinny jeans, and construction boots. It was an odd combination for sure, but it worked for him.
I crossed my arms, leaning against the doorframe, and studied him sternly.
"Is Jenna here?" he asked, nervously looking down at his feet.
"Yeah, come in," I replied, dropping my stern parent act to stand aside. He was nervous enough as it was; they both were. Lucas came in, standing awkwardly near the front door, as if he didn't know what to do with himself.
"Wow, you look incredible!" Lucas said, his eyes widening as Jenna walked down the hall towards us.
"Thank you," she said, blushing demurely.
"Well, you kids go have fun now. Have her home by midnight or whenever." I shrugged, clumsily trying to break the awkward silence that had fallen while Lucas and Jenna stared at each other with nervous hesitant smiles.
"I'll see you later," Jenna told me, following Lucas out the door. I locked it behind them, shaking my head. Turning around, I surveyed the suddenly quiet apartment. It was so silent, it was almost loud. I didn't know what to do with myself. I had to turn the TV on just for the white noise.
I had been alone in our apartment before, of course. But there was something more profound about this. Normally, I would be enjoying the quiet, basking in the chance to just be in my own head for a bit without worrying about shutting Jenna out.
Maybe it was being exposed to the nervous anticipation of a first date, but I was feeling very lonely. I crossed my arms, trying to hold in the dull ache of my heart.
Missing Iain was complicated. On one hand, I wanted more than anything for him to walk back into my life. But then what would I say? How would we even recover from what happened between us, and what happened after? He had served jail time for our relationship. We never really broke up, but it was clear that we weren't together.
And then there was Jax. I couldn't get him out of my head either. I tried to ignore it, but he was there, and I was having strong feelings of lust and attraction for someone that wasn't Iain. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about that.
My relationship with Iain was unconstitutional and complicated, but I had to wonder, was it so hot because of the forbidd
en factor? Was it possible that we could have had a long lasting healthy relationship? There was a thrill, yes, and attraction so deep that it still made my blood heat when I thought about it. He listened, he counseled, he cared...but still, his silence now spoke volumes.
I'd started to wonder if maybe he had played me. What other explanation could there be? I felt like an abandoned project that had felt fun at the time. Plus, there was the fact that I had inadvertently helped his sister adopt a baby by recommending the adoption agency she was with to Jenna. Of course Jenna had unknowingly selected Iain's sister and brother-in-law, but still.
There was a lot of hurt and resentment inside of me.
I found myself wanting something that was easy and mess-free. Something that was uncomplicated. Every other part of my life had been complicated and messy.
And I was tired of waiting.
* * *
I fell asleep on the couch waiting for Jenna to get in and tell me about her date. I awoke to our apartment door closing softly, and feet padding over to where I was lying. I shot up into a sitting position, my heart hammering in my chest with terror.
"Hey, it's just me," Jenna said softly, perching on the coffee table.
I nodded, trying to play off my terror, thankful that Jenna wouldn't push me for answers about it. Jenna didn't know everything about my past. I hadn't told her that my first step-father, Rodney, had a nasty habit of sneaking into my bedroom while I slept so he could watch me and masturbate. I was eight at the time, and although he never actually touched me, the act itself had scared me and the fear of waking up to someone coming into my room had not dissipated in all that time.
"How was your date?" I asked, keeping my voice steady as I swung my legs off the couch.
"It was great," Jenna said. Even though our apartment was dark, the glow from the streetlights that poured in from our kitchen window made it easy to see her eyes shining with excitement. "He is so sweet, and he asked me out again! We’re going to some music concert at Major's Hill Park on Saturday. Apparently his friend plays in one of the bands."
"Oh cool!" I was glad to hear Jenna's date had gone well. She deserved every bit of happiness she could get.
Collide Series Box Set Page 29