Everything else wasn't helping either. The Crimson drama, the maybe sighting of Andrew at the music festival two weekends ago...
Frowning, I made a mental note to call Officer Mike Turner after class. I hadn't heard anything back from him, and frankly, I was getting tired of waiting. How long did it take a police officer to check up on someone?
* * *
I dropped my messenger bag at the entrance, kicking it aside so that it wouldn't be in the way when Jenna got home. Our apartment was eerily silent. I felt the compulsive urge to check every room, just to make sure they were empty. I felt foolish when I completed the search, finding nothing amiss.
I retreated to my bedroom, sifting my cell out of my jeans pocket. I tossed it on the bed and sat down beside it, staring at my phone as I debated on what to do next.
I really didn't want to call Mike Turner again, not after the first less than warm reception my call had generated. But I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I knew I couldn't rest easy until I heard from him about where Andrew Cooper was.
I didn't exactly have an obsessive personality, but I had a difficult time letting things go. I didn't want my suspicions to cloud my feelings of safety I was wrapped in since our move to Ottawa. For the past two years, I'd felt numb, but safe. I hadn't been watching over my shoulder like I had done for so long in North Bay.
Now though, that feeling of safety was gone. The sensation of being watched was strong, and becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. I didn’t know if I had Cole's return or the two possible Andrew Cooper sightings to thank for that, but I needed to figure out who was the threat. Cole was the obvious choice...and yet, my intuition was telling me it wasn't him.
Sighing deeply, I picked up the phone and dialed Mike Turner's number. It rang three times before going to voice mail, almost as if he'd seen my number and hit ignore. Gritting my teeth, I tapped my foot as I waited for his voicemail message recording to end. "Hi Officer Turner. I'm sure you know who it is...I'm just calling to see if you were able to track down Andrew Cooper or not? Please get back to me and let me know..." I paused, searching for anything else to add. "Okay, thanks. Bye." I hung up, feeling like a major idiot.
I dropped the phone back onto my bed and buried my head in my hands, exhaling loudly.
"What’s wrong?" Jenna's voice completely startled me. I jumped up, my heart racing.
"Jesus, Jenna!" I frowned, angrier with myself for being taken off guard.
"Sorry," Jenna said, leaning against the door way. I bit my lip, wondering how much she had heard. Studying her, I noted how sad her eyes looked.
"Everything okay?" I asked, hesitating.
"No, not really." Jenna sighed, looking away. "I...I got another letter."
"Oh." I awkwardly stepped towards her, wanting to offer her some kind of comfort but knowing that I sucked at physical contact. "Did you…?"
"Read it?" Jenna asked, her eyes flicking back over to me. Her expression broke my heart. It was one of unmasked pain and overwhelming sadness. "No," she laughed bitterly, looking away. "I put it in the box."
"It's good that you're saving them. One of these days, you're going to want to read them..." I wondered if what I chose to say was comforting or not.
The letter Jenna was referring to was one from the adoption agency, an update on her birth daughter's life and new family.
I still remember the day Jenna received the first update letter. It was shortly after the baby's first Christmas, and it was filled with a heartwarming letter from the Fetcher family. It was penned by Sarah, expressing how much gratitude and joy she was filled with over getting to love and raise her daughter. They named her Jayden, and included pictures of her. Newborn photos, and a family portrait under the Christmas tree.
Jenna had cried then, grasping the photos of her birth daughter. The smile she wore was one of thankfulness—thankful that her daughter had a loving family—and pain...pain from how she was conceived.
I remember picking up the photo of baby Jayden with her parents. I held it, staring at Sarah's face, finding similarities to Iain in her Caribbean blue eyes and blonde hair.
It was like a strange Twilight Zone. Jenna's birth daughter was now the daughter of Iain's sister Sarah and her husband; she was now forever a part of the Bentley family—a part of Iain. I couldn't help but wonder if baby Jayden saw her uncle often.
Sometimes, I wondered if Iain had used me. When he found out that my best friend was expecting, did he see an opportunity for his sister? Did he get the ball rolling on adoption, lining up the ducks so that his sister and her husband would get to be the adoptive parents? Was it all intended?
One of the only secrets I had ever kept from Jenna was that Sarah was Iain's sister. At first, I hadn't wanted her to doubt her decision to choose Sarah and her husband. I knew just by looking at Sarah that she was going to be the best mother to the baby. Who her brother was didn't matter; I knew that Iain would love and protect his niece.
I didn't want to confuse or hurt Jenna, either. I worried that she would have thought I planned it all out that way. I hadn't even known until that day I ran into Iain at the hospital, and he was so excited for his sister. Before I could get a chance to tell Jenna, Iain was arrested and my world flipped upside down.
Even though two years had passed, I couldn't bring myself to tell Jenna the truth. I didn't know how. Speaking about it hurt me too, because the seed of doubt planted by Iain's silence had me wondering if he used me to get a baby for his sister. The seed of doubt had flowered, growing with the guilt I felt over it.
I tried to comfort myself with the fact that Jayden was loved, safe, and had everything she could ever need or want, but the secret was still an ugly one to have.
"Looks like a Ben, Jerry and Ryan night," I remarked.
A small smile tugged the corners of Jenna's lips up."Maybe Chinese food too?" she inquired hopefully.
"Okay, I'll order. But pajamas are a requirement," I told her.
An hour later, Jenna and I sat cross legged on the couch in our PJs, our Chinese food fest spread out on the coffee table in front of us and a Ryan Gosling movie playing. It was one we had seen a billion times before, so we barely paid attention to the dialog on screen.
"I feel guilty," Jenna confessed, setting her carton down on the coffee table so she could draw her knees up to her chest and hug them. She stared blindly at the TV, not meeting my eyes.
"Why would you feel guilty?" I asked. I personally thought that Jenna made the best decision she could have made, given the circumstances. I admired and respected her so much. I definitely wouldn't have been strong enough to carry on a pregnancy like that.
"I abandoned my daughter. I knew I couldn't look at her every day..." A single tear escaped down Jenna's cheek, and she brushed it away with frustration.
"You didn't abandon her," I corrected, setting my own carton down on the table and shifting my body to face Jenna. "You found her a loving home, with loving parents. She is cherished every single day."
"That's why I feel so guilty, because someone else is making her feel loved and cherished. Because I couldn't. I do love her...you can't grow something inside you and have no feelings towards it, but...there's a lot of ugliness there and I feel guilty for that ugliness. I don't want to hear how awesome she's doing. I'm glad she's doing awesome, but it just rips at the hole in my chest because I failed her and every day I am reminded that I failed her."
"You didn't fail her," I said firmly. "You gave her life, you gave her a chance."
"I just wish things were different, you know? My arms feel empty, but I could never bring myself to hold her. I knew it would rip me apart even more than it does now if I held her at the hospital. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to let her go, and I needed to let her go."
"I don't think you'll ever let her go," I said sadly. "It's not something that you can let go; you just have to acknowledge that you did the right thing. You do feel like you did the right thing, right?"
> "Of course." Jenna brushed at her wet cheeks. "The alternative would have been...it wouldn't have brought that couple into her life, that's for sure. And they do seem to love her."
Guilt rolled in my stomach as I thought about Sarah, and in turn, Iain. I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that family loved Jayden. The guilt came from my secret keeping. Would Jenna feel different about everything if she knew?
Before I could open my mouth to tell her that yes, they loved her, my cell phone rang. I grabbed it, answering without looking at the screen, thinking that Mike Turner was finally calling me back.
"Hello?"
"Harlow! Honey, I've been trying to get in touch with you for a week now!" My mom's voice tethered somewhere between whiny and annoyed.
"Hi, Mom." I winced, rolling my eyes at Jenna in apology for the interruption. "I'm sorry, I've just been really busy with work and school." I wasn't actively avoiding answering her calls...I just wasn't actively trying to take them. Usually when she called, she spent a fair bit of time talking about how she wished I would come home to visit more.
"I figured." Mom sighed almost sadly. "Larry and I were just wondering if you would be able to make it out to Thanksgiving dinner? I spoke to the Burke's, I know Jenna will be coming home. She's bringing her boyfriend!" She sounded deeply thrilled for Jenna, and I knew that she was. My mom was privy to what happened to Jenna, as I had played such a key role in the court proceedings involving her assault.
"Yeah, um...I don't know if I'm working yet," I answered, twirling a strand of my hair around my finger.
"You're not," Jenna said firmly. "Lucas talked to Jamie and Mark. They're going to handle the store."
I covered the microphone with my hand, sending Jenna a deadly glare that communicated my complete disdain at her interruption. Of course I already knew that, but I still wasn't planning on going home.
"Oh that's perfect!" Mom squealed, hearing Jenna before I had time to silence her. Mom's voice lowered and shook. I think she guessed my hesitation at coming home. "I promise, honey, it won't be like...like the last time."
Mom was referring to the first and only time I came home for the holidays. Things were wrought with tension between me and Larry. I still hadn't forgiven him for the whole Iain thing. I knew it wasn't really his fault; Larry hadn't taken the photos. It wasn't Larry who mailed them to the police station. It was Larry who had to clean up the massive scandal surrounding one of his top schools. It was Larry who had to track down the leaked photos of Iain and me, just to get me off of the Internet.
Technically, I had a lot of reasons to thank Larry, but his hatred of Iain and his undeniable belief that Iain got what he deserved clouded my judgment. Iain was not a monster, but Larry acted like he was.
"I'll see, Mom." I frowned, my thoughts drifting away from them and to someone completely different: Jax. From what little he told me about his family and life, I knew that he would be spending Thanksgiving alone.
"Okay." Mom sighed, resigned. She knew I would either come, or I wouldn't, but that no amount of pleading with me would change my mind. She knew how stubborn I could be.
"I love you, Mom. I'll call you later, okay? Jenna and I are just watching a movie."
"Love you too, honey." Mom was trying to hide her sadness with cheer, but I could see through her act.
The line went dead, and I tossed my phone down on the coffee table, frowning at Jenna.
"What?" she asked innocently. "You should come! It's just Thanksgiving. I'm sure you could endure one dinner with your folks."
Jenna knew about my relationship struggles with my mom and Larry, but she was forever trying to get me to fix things with them. Family was important to Jenna, but she luckily had a way easier relationship with her parents. They had stood by her unquestionably after she confessed to them that the Chief of Police's son raped her and got her pregnant. They bought the best lawyer that money could buy and pressed charges, not resting until their daughter saw some kind of justice. They stood by her when she made the difficult decision to give up her baby.
When the whole thing with Cole and his friends went down, I couldn't tell anyone. Mom had heard through the grapevine that I was promiscuous and sleeping around. Instead of talking to me about it, she believed them. Ashamed and hurt, I had put even more distance between the two of us. She tried to redeem herself ever since, keeping the secret of Iain when she discovered the photos I had foolishly taken on our first trip together, but there was still that distance between us. I didn't know how to move past it. I didn't know how to forgive her for all the hurt and anger I felt.
Plus, I blamed Larry for Iain's harsh sentence. He had all but gone on a witch hunt, and allowed the town’s people to as well. Had Larry not raised such a stink about it, I was absolutely certain that Iain wouldn't have been charged.
I hated that town; I hated going back to it. It was aggravating that the entire town could turn a blind eye to the Carl Cooper's corruption and the vile excuse for a human being his son was for years, then prosecute Iain simply because we were involved with each other, a completely consensual relationship.
"What about Jax?" I asked, twisting my hair up into a bun and clipping it back. I needed to draw my own thoughts away from home, away from Iain, before the anger surfaced again.
"Invite him," Jenna encouraged, her eyes bright with excitement. "Maybe your mom and Larry seeing you date...other guys...will help."
"Maybe," I mused, thinking that it probably would. It shouldn't have mattered, of course, but they were constantly waiting for Iain to walk back into my life. That wasn't going to happen, and I needed to prove not only to them, but to myself as well, that I had moved on.
Even if I hadn't exactly moved past everything that happened.
We watched the rest of the movie in relative silence, both Jenna and I lost in our own thoughts.
I had never invited a guy I was dating home to meet my parents. I wanted to invite Iain; I wanted him to meet my parents as my boyfriend. I wanted them to like him, but I knew that the likelihood of that happening was very slim. My English teacher couldn't exactly show up for a Sunday roast, especially not when the superintendent was my step-father.
I chewed my lips, wondering if I really wanted to invite Jax home. He had already seen some of my fractured parts. Did I really want him to see my family dynamics? What if Larry or my mom gave something away? What if we ran into someone who made a comment about Iain? I wasn't ready to talk about Iain. I wasn't even sure if I was really over him. Sometimes, I thought I was. Being around Jax, getting lost in his touches and kisses...it almost seemed like I was over Iain.
But then, when Jax and I weren't together, when I was home alone, Iain would return to my thoughts. I could push him away from my mind all I wanted, I could distract myself with the incredible way that Jax made me feel, but was I truly over Iain?
Thanksgiving was approaching and I had yet to make up my mind on whether I was going home for the holiday. I dodged my mom's phone calls, telling her I still wasn't sure; that I had group work I was trying to finish, but that if I couldn't finish it in time I would have to miss out.
The truth was, I didn't know if I could get up the balls to ask Jax. Funny, when I usually prided myself on being blunt and strong-willed.
I had a lot of time to mull over everything during my night shift that Thursday. At my insistence, Jamie started to allow me to work the late evening shift again. I had lost too many hours on his new schedule, and I flat out told Jamie that if my hours didn't return to normal, I was going to have to find a new job. I needed the cash and even if they hadn't caught the guy behind the attacks, I still had bills to pay.
Jamie gave in to my demands, installing more security cameras as an added measure. I bit my lip at this false attempt at safety. If I was going to get attacked, it wouldn't be inside the coffee shop.
Once Jax heard that my schedule would be returning to normal, he insisted on walking me home during those shifts. It worked out, since Jax was done work j
ust before I closed up shop, and he would sit and wait for me.
Part of me resented the fact that I needed a chaperone, but the other part was relieved to have his company. Spending time with Jax was never a burden, and it got a little lonely the last hour before close. The customers were infrequent, and time seemed to pass by quicker with him around. We were able to work on our half of the group assignment, too. Our section was to focus on the psychological aspect of verbal child abuse. Crimson, Brianna and Alissa were working on the psychological aspect of physical abuse and neglect.
It was a heavy topic, one that Jax wasn't entirely comfortable with. I supposed he felt the same way about the topic as I felt about sexual assault. It's hard to disconnect yourself from something you've experienced firsthand, and I knew that Jax had definitely experienced abuse as a child at the hands of his father.
I was shinning up the appliances and thinking about Jax and his childhood and how it all tied into inviting him home from dinner, when the door chimed. I looked up, half expecting it to be Jax. My blood froze as I stared at Cole.
"What are you doing here?" My tone instantly went as cold as my blood. I glared at him, not caring that he was a customer and I was supposed to serve him. Not a chance in hell.
Cole looked desperate. His pale green eyes were bloodshot and red, as if he had gone weeks without sleeping. His hair looked dirty, and he seriously looked like someone put him through the ringer. Good, I thought.
"I just need to talk to you. Please," he pleaded, his hands on top of the counter. I backed away, distancing myself from him.
"I am not interested in hearing anything you have to say," I answered, crossing my arms. "You need to leave now, before I call the police."
"Please, Harlow! You don't understand, I never met to hurt you! I can't live with this guilt anymore," Cole begged, imploring me to understand. I didn't. I couldn't. I wouldn't.
Collide Series Box Set Page 39