by E. L. Todd
A moment later Mike returned. “What?”
“I think I found something…”
“What?” He came around the desk and looked at the letter with me.
“It says Scarlet has had…thirty visits to Dr. Tanner in the past six weeks.”
“Whose Dr. Tanner?”
“That’s the thing…I have no idea. The insurance covered the whole bill but I have no idea why she’d seen this doctor so many times.” My heart started to race in dread. Was there something wrong? Was she sick? Did she have cancer? Was she trying to keep it from me? My heart wouldn’t slow down. It thudded in my chest painfully. “God…no.”
Mike put his hand on my shoulder. “Let’s not jump to conclusions.”
“Why would someone visit the doctor that much unless they were really sick?” My hands were shaking. I almost lost my wife. Now I might lose her again.
“Hold on,” Mike said. “Even if she were really sick she wouldn’t visit the doctor every day for an hour and a half. That can’t be it.” He moved to my computer.
“What are you doing?”
“Let’s figure out what kind of doctor he is then we’ll go from there.” He grabbed the insurance paper and pulled it toward him. Then he typed in the computer.
I remained immobile, fearing the worst but praying for the best.
Mike pulled up a page and skimmed through the lines.
“What?” I asked.
He turned to me but there was a solemn expression on his face. “He’s a psychiatrist.”
Psychiatrist? Why would she see a professional therapist and not tell me? “Are you sure?”
“Positive. I used the address that billed the insurance company.”
I leaned back in my chair and tried to process it. So she did lie about the alarm. She wanted to hide this from me. But why?
“I guess it makes sense,” Mike said calmly. “She’s been through a lot, you know?”
“But she has me to talk to…” I couldn’t help but be hurt. Scarlet knew she could tell me anything. And if she needed more help she could tell me that too.
“You okay, man?” he asked.
I stared at my desk. “Not sure…”
“On the bright side, at least it’s nothing serious.”
It was hard for me to see the bright side at the moment. “I guess.”
Mike knew I wanted to be left alone. He stared at me for a moment before he silently excused himself from my office. I didn’t even hear the door close behind him. And I could no longer hear my beating heart.
Chapter Seven
Scarlet
I looked out the floor-to-ceiling windows while Dr. Tanner stared at me from behind his desk.
“How do you feel today?” he asked calmly.
“About the same.”
One leg was crossed and he adjusted his glasses. “And the same is…?”
“Subdued…morose.”
He nodded slightly.
“I feel nothing—at all.” I examined the building across the way and wondered who lived in the inside. Had they ever taken a life? Had they ever known anyone who’s died? Had they ever had a gun pointed at them—twice?
“The absence of pain may be a defense mechanism. Perhaps your body will let the emotions in once the shock has passed.”
“It’s been months. Nothing will change.”
He didn’t argue with me. He never did.
“I still don’t feel guilty for killing him. There’s no remorse within me. I pointed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger without thinking twice about it. There’s blood on my hands. But yet, I don’t feel a thing.” Was I a monster? Was I worse than the man sent to kill me? Had I become numb after everything I’d been through? Now I was just hollow and void of emotion. The lives and emotions of other people no longer concerned me. My mother tortured me for years, then I was harassed and hunted by my former boss, and then my mother came back for her vengeance and tried to kill my daughter and I. And now this…I guess I reached my limit.
“He was going to kill you, Scarlet,” Dr. Tanner said quietly. “You didn’t have a choice.”
“But that’s the thing,” I said quietly. “ I did have a choice.”
“How so?”
“I could have shot him in the arm or the leg. I chose the area right between the eyes.” I would never get the image out of my mind. His eyes looked lifeless while they stared up at me. I hardly had time to look at him because I was hauling ass to help my husband before a bullet was put into his brain.
“But if you did there was a possibility he could have fired in return. You made the right decision.”
“I should still feel guilty.”
“Why?” He rested his hands in his lap.
“Because I killed someone.” Saying the words out loud only made me feel numb.
“You did what you had to do to survive. It was self-defense.”
“I’m not here to discuss right or wrong or to justify what I did. But I should feel something, some sort of sadness. But I don’t…and that scares me. It’s not who I am.”
He rubbed the pen in his fingers while he considered my words. “What are you afraid of?”
I didn’t understand the meaning of the question. “Pardon?”
“What are you afraid of?” he repeated. “If you never feel anything, what does it matter? What is it about that has sent you to my office—for a daily visit.”
It was a good question now that I understood it. “I used to be a sweet and compassionate person. I would never hurt a fly. I only saw the good in people even when they didn’t deserve it. When hatred consumed my husband I washed it away. But now…I’m different. I’m not the same person I once was. My heart has become hard and unforgiving. I don’t trust anyone. I can no longer justify human existence. We are all selfish and maniacal people.”
Dr. Tanner made a few notes. “Given everything you’ve been through, it’s natural to doubt the goodness of other people. However, losing your belief in other people doesn’t mean you’ve lost your belief in yourself. The world is full of terrible people. But just because you acknowledge it doesn’t make you one of them.”
“It doesn’t?” I asked quietly.
“No,” he said simply. “It’s just broken your heart, is all.”
“But that doesn’t explain why I don’t feel guilty…”
“You know what you did was right so there’s no reason to regret it. You just pity the man for choosing to be a type of person you despise. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re extremely resilient. You’ve been abused, beaten, and have been forced to do whatever was necessary to survive. The fact you’re still so calm and understanding is a miracle in itself. You’re a very strong woman, Scarlet. And you will get through this—just like everything else.”
It was the first time I felt somewhat uplifted.
He made a few notes. “Have you told your husband about our visits?”
I looked down, ashamed. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to worry him.” My gaze turned back to the window.
“Worry him how?”
“I just don’t want to hurt him. Pretending everything is back to normal seems to help him the most. It gets him back on his feet and helps him move on. If he knew how I felt…he would feel it too.” I turned back to him and saw his calculating gaze.
“Did you ever consider the fact he might need someone to talk to as well?”
“He knows I’m there to listen whenever he needs me.”
“I meant, someone like me.” He fidgeted with the pen in his hand.
“If Sean thought he needed that, I’m sure he would have pursued it.”
“Maybe you should invite him to our next meeting,” he said. “And you both can talk about your difficulties. From what I understand, he’s been through a lot as well.”
“He has.” There was no doubt about it.
“And do you think he’s like everyone else in society?” he asked. “Cold a
nd cruel?”
“No,” I said immediately. “He’s the most generous, compassionate, and wonderful man I’ve ever known. He has more love in his heart than I could ever quantify.”
“It sounds like you two are a lot alike.”
“The opposite sides of the same coin. We’re different, but we’re the same.”
He nodded his understanding. “I strongly suggest you tell him about me. Keeping this bottled inside isn’t helping you—at all. Pretending to smile when he gets home, and acting like nothing has changed doesn’t help either one of you. I’m sure he’s doing the exact same thing you are—because he thinks he’s helping you.”
I never considered that.
He looked at his watch. “This ends our session. Please consider my request and bring him along next time.”
I stood up and grabbed my purse. “I may.”
He opened the door for me and watched me walk out. “And Scarlet?”
I turned to him.
“You’re going to be fine.”
It was nice to hear someone say that—even if I didn’t believe it.
***
Sean came home right at five like usual. I had dinner on the stove and two glasses of wine poured. Throughout the day I missed him. And I always worried work was too much for him now that Zack had been killed in his office. As dark as it sounded, I wish I had pulled the trigger. That man had ripped my family apart and deserved worse than what Sean did to him—giving him a swift and painless death.
Sean opened the door and came inside wearing a crisp suit. His hair was slightly messy like he’d been running his fingers through it. But he looked handsome like always. His shoulders were strong and powerful and his stomach was lean and tight.
I approached him wearing one of my aprons and gave him a smile as well as a kiss.
But he gave me the coldest kiss I’d ever felt in return.
I pulled away and looked into his face, seeing the hurt and despair shining in his eyes. There was clearly something on his mind, and whatever it was, it was affecting us. “What’s wrong?”
He stared at me for a moment before he ran his fingers through his hair. “When I asked you if you left the house every day at ten did you lie to me?” Accusation was in his voice.
He knew.
“Did you?” There was no anger in his voice but his tone implied his feeling of betrayal.
I had to come clean even if I didn’t want to. “Yes.”
“Why?” He stepped closer to me, towering over me. His shoulders made him appear threatening, and the wide look in his eyes told me he was extremely upset. He used his size and power to intimidate me, although he didn’t do it on purpose. It was the same way he spoke to our kids when he was disappointed in them. Now I understood why they respected him so much.
“I just…” How did I tell him? He was so angry. “Wait…how did you know?” Sean had cameras on the premises but why would he look at them unless he suspected it was me the entire time? Was he keeping tabs on me?
He read my mind. “No, I didn’t tail you or watch you. I got a letter from our insurance company saying you’ve been visiting a psychiatrist—every day for over a month.” His breathing increased and he struggled not to yell. “Scar, why did you lie to me?”
“I didn’t mean to lie,” I said. “I just didn’t want to talk about it.”
Heartbreak stretched across his face. “Not even to me?”
I felt lower than dirt. “I was just trying to protect you…”
“And you think it worked?” Venom was in his voice. “Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been over the malfunctioning of that damn alarm? I’ve been terrified that someone is tampering with it and trying to get to you. You didn’t think you should tell me the truth at least for that? I’ve been out of my mind over it!” His face started to turn red in anger. “All you had to do was tell me it was you but you didn’t want me to know where you were going. We have enough trust between us that I wouldn’t have asked you any more questions if you didn’t want me to. But no, you kept me in the dark. And then you lied to me. We don’t lie to each other. When did that change?” He raised his voice and took another step forward, forcing me to step back.
I knew Sean wasn’t mad about the alarm or the fact I lied to him. He was just saying that out of anger. The reason he was this upset was because I turned to a stranger for emotional support instead of him. And I felt terrible for wounding him like that. “I only went to see a professional because I thought talking about it would hurt you.”
“What does it matter if it hurt me?” he demanded. “When you’re in pain, I’m in pain. But you’re missing the point of that. I choose to be in pain because I want to feel whatever you feel. We carry every load together, not apart. When it gets too difficult for you, you’re supposed to turn to me so I can carry it the rest of the way, not some stuffy shrink. I am your husband. He’s not.” He breathed hard like he was controlling himself from throwing a fist through the wall. “Why the hell couldn’t you talk to me about this? I know better than anyone what you’re dealing with. I’ve killed someone too. Why the fuck couldn’t you talk to me about it?” His eyes started to water with a mixture of emotion and rage.
“Because…” A coat of moisture formed over my eyes. “I was scared of what you would think of me.”
“Think of you?” he asked. “Scarlet, there’s nothing you could ever say to change the way I feel about you—ever.”
“Don’t ever speak in absolutes.”
“And don’t ever tell me how I feel,” he snapped. “Is there anything I could ever say to make you change the way you feel about me?”
He had me cornered. “No…”
“Then tell me what’s going on.”
My hands moved into my hair. “I don’t feel any remorse for what I’ve done.”
“You think I feel any?” he asked savagely. “I’d kill that motherfucker a million times over. I looked him in the eye when I pulled the trigger. And then I shot him four more times just to make sure his body was so mangled that the coroner couldn’t piece him back together for an open casket rosary. His mother never got to see her son’s face again. The EMT’s didn’t even know how to move his body because his brains were splattered everywhere.” He came closer to me, spit flying from his mouth. “I couldn’t care less about what I did. He threatened my wife, my daughter, and myself. And people don’t get away with that—not on my watch.”
I stared into his eyes, seeing a side of him I’d only glimpsed once in a while throughout our marriage.
“You better not feel bad for what you did. You did the right thing. Anyone will tell you the same thing. Killing him doesn’t make you a bad person. And not having any regrets doesn’t make you a bad person either.”
“But I feel like that moment changed me…”
“It would change anybody,” he said quickly. “That’s normal.” He was still heated and angry.
“I can’t talk to you when you’re this upset.” I crossed my arms over my chest and stepped back. “Take a shower and cool off.” I turned around and walked away, heading into the living room. He didn’t follow me.
He stayed rooted to the spot in the kitchen.
Heartbeats of silence passed.
Then he came behind me, his chest pressed to my back. “You’re right. I’m sorry I got upset.”
I kept my arms locked around my body.
“I was just hurt you didn’t come to me. We tell each other everything.” His arms snaked around my waist and he rested his chin on my head.
“I know…I just didn’t want to make you feel bad. I need to be strong for you. You need to come home to a wife who smiles when she sees you walk through the door. When you’re here, there’s nothing to be worried about. I didn’t want to ruin that for you.”
He grabbed my shoulders and forced me to turn around and look at him. “You’re right. I do need a wife to be there for me. She’s the one thing that keeps me glued together. But this is a two way stree
t. And I’m here for you when you need me. I want it to be that way. Don’t hide things from me.”
I stared into his eyes and saw the familiar way he looked at me.
“Now talk to me.”
My fingers locked together in front of my waist. “After everything that’s happened to me, I think I’ve hit my breaking point. My humanity is gone. All that’s left is nothing.” How could I expect Sean to understand something like that?
“You’ve put up with a lot of shit, Scarlet. More than anyone else I know.”
“I’ve lost myself…”
His eyes softened. “No, you haven’t. You can never lose yourself because I’ll always hold onto you.”
“Yeah?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“I’m just afraid I’m no longer the compassionate person I used to be. I couldn’t kill my mom because it felt wrong. She tried to hurt Skye and I still couldn’t do it. But I pulled the trigger on this guy without thinking twice about it.”
Sean stared at me in silence.
Did he finally understand? That I was a heartless monster?
“I don’t think you’re right about that.”
“You don’t?”
“I think you’re even stronger than you used to be. You’ve found your happily ever after and you refuse to let someone take it away. That doesn’t make you an emotionless monster. It makes you a warrior, a soldier. You have so much to live for. And you know that.”
“I’m not evil?”
“No,” he said. “You’re a badass. That’s what you are.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Do you have any…feelings about killing Zack?”
“I do.”
I stared at him and waited for him to tell me what they were.
“Relief, joy, and accomplishment.” He said it without haltering over his words. “It doesn’t keep me up at night. When I look at the place in my office where he died, it keeps me calm. I like knowing he’s gone forever and my family is safe.”
At least I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.
“But I do have nightmares about…hearing that gunshot.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I thought it was you and…my whole world shattered. I’d never felt so numb, so much pain in such a short amount of time. That feeling can never be shaken. I can’t forget how that felt.”