by E. L. Todd
Staying on my side of the bed was becoming more difficult with every passing minute. I didn’t want to be separated by a few feet of space. I wanted him, but in a way I couldn’t explain. I detected pain emanating from every part of his body. It was like a high-pitched song only I could hear.
Finally, I pulled myself across the bed and into his side. Like he’d been thinking the same thing, he opened his arms and pulled me tight against his chest. He held me like he’d wanted to do it for a long time. His body pivoted toward mine, and he pulled my leg over his waist. We were hooked around each other like lovers after a passionate evening.
Hawke stared into my eyes like he was searching for something. He understood exactly what my affection meant. There was never a moment of misunderstanding. And it seemed like it was all he wanted too—nothing more. There was a definite connection between us but I couldn’t explain what it was. It wasn’t just physical, and it wasn’t just romantic. There was so much more there, but I couldn’t verbalize it.
Hawke eventually closed his eyes and released a quiet sigh like he was immediately falling asleep. He seemed more at peace than he had all day. If anything, it seemed like this was exactly what he needed but was too afraid to ask for.
Darkness
Hawke
I loved having Francesca around.
She cooked dinner for me every night, and it was nice to have something besides Top Ramen. She told me about her day, and I didn’t just watch her lips move. I hung on to every word she said. Most of the time, I couldn’t remember anything a girl said besides, “Fuck me.”
And she listened to everything I had to say. When she asked me about my day, it seemed like she really wanted to know. The second she walked through the door, she had a smile on her face like she was happy to see me. And when we slept together, we never stayed on our sides of the bed. Our bodies wrapped around each other like we never wanted to let go.
Our relationship was unusual, and if I told anyone about it, they wouldn’t understand. She was just my friend, but she was so much more than that. But she wasn’t my girlfriend either. My heart seemed to beat in tune to hers. She understood me at a level no one else ever had. And the weirdest part was…I didn’t even need to tell her about myself.
She just knew.
I wasn’t sure what was going on anymore. All I knew was I liked having her around and I never wanted it to end. If I just kept things the way they were, I could always have her. When she told me she went on dates, it bothered me. But I couldn’t think that way. I went out and did my own thing so I didn’t have any right to be hurt.
I knew I cared about her—and I didn’t just want to fuck her.
Sure, that would be nice. But other things stole my focus, like talking over dinner and screaming at the TV during a baseball game. It somehow healed me…fixed me.
When I came home from work, she was already in the kitchen. “What are you making now?” I set my bag by the door and loosened my tie.
“Lasagna.”
“Ooh…sounds good.” I felt like we were a married couple in the fifties. I wanted to walk over to her and give her a kiss. But I wasn’t stupid enough to do that. “I’m going to take a shower.”
“It’ll be out by the time you’re finished.”
After I showered and dried my hair with a towel, I changed into shorts and a t-shirt and entered the kitchen.
She was seated at the table, texting on her phone.
“I’m not naked this time.”
She grinned before she looked up at me. “Thank you. I didn’t want to throw up my dinner.”
“Like you would have thrown up.” I sat across from her. “You would have grabbed your phone and taken a picture.”
She pressed her lips tightly together like she was trying not to laugh. “You must be pretty well-endowed down there to talk like that…”
“Very.” I held her gaze as I said it. Most girls wanted to screw me for that reason alone. “Would you like to see for yourself?”
“Maybe some other time.” She dug into her food and her phone lit up. She checked it before she quickly set it down.
I took a bite and immediately loved it. “This is awesome.”
“Thanks.” She smiled every time I gave her a compliment like she really appreciated it. Her phone went off again and she checked it. This time, she turned it off.
That caught my attention. “Someone bothering you?”
“No…it’s a long story.” She kept her gaze glued to her plate.
“Well, I have all night.” The protective side of me came out, my head low and ready for a charge.
“You remember that guy I told you about?”
There were several. “The most recent one?” I never bothered to remember their names. They were insignificant.
“Yeah.”
“What about him?”
“He wanted to go out again but I said no. Then he came by the house and I wasn’t there so he talked to Marie, and she told him I was staying with you…” She released a long sigh. “He wasn’t happy about that part.”
“It’s not like he’s your boyfriend, right?”
“No, not at all. We went out one time.”
“Sounds like a dickhead.”
She smirked. “Yeah, he does, doesn’t he?”
“I can take care of him.” I snatched her phone.
“Whoa, hold on.” She snatched it back. “I don’t need anyone to fight my battles for me. I told him I didn’t want to go out with him again. If he wants to waste his time blowing up my phone, he can knock himself out.” She set the phone back on the table. “But I’m not going to listen to it.”
I still wanted to break his neck.
“Don’t get all over-protective.” She rolled her eyes at me.
“It’s my job.”
“How do you figure?”
“I’m your best friend. I’m supposed to look after you.” I didn’t realize what I said until the damage was done. I’d never had a best friend in my life, but now I realized she was the first. She wasn’t just a friend. She was more than that. But she wasn’t my lover either.
“Best friends have each other’s backs, of course. But they don’t fight battles for each other.” She went back to eating like the conversation was over.
I knew it was pointless to argue with her so I continued eating. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“Thanks.”
Silence fell across the table for several minutes. Usually it was comfortable, but now it was just awkward.
“Anyone in your life right now?”
“No.” That was always my answer. I didn’t have relationships, just a string of weeklong escapades.
“You aren’t seeing anyone?” Skepticism was in her voice.
“I never see anybody.”
“You know what I mean, Hawke.” She gave me that look that told me I couldn’t hide.
I never talked about this kind of stuff with her. It made me feel guilty for reasons I couldn’t explain. “Here and there…”
“I don’t want to infringe on your lifestyle. If you want to go out or bring someone here, I can leave.”
That’s the last thing I wanted. “No, I like being here with you.”
She picked at her pasta but didn’t eat it.
“If I wanted to leave, I would just go and not say a damn thing to you.” I didn’t mean to be so hostile, but this was a topic I didn’t like discussing—at least with her. I felt ashamed for what I did on my own time. She didn’t judge me for it, but I knew she wanted me to have more than meaningless sex.
“I was just asking as a friend…no need to get upset.”
I had a bad temper. Sometimes it went out of control and I couldn’t calm myself. It was one of the worst attributes I had—and I got it from my worthless father. “I’m sorry. I just don’t like talking about it.”
“You just called me your best friend. And best friends tell each other everything.”
She had me cornered. “I
was with this girl last week, but I dumped her. I’m alone right now.”
“Brittany?” She remembered the name from the text message.
“Jessica.”
“The girl we saw at the restaurant?”
Why did she have such a good memory? “Yes.”
She continued to pick at her food. “Did you hook up with her after our date?”
“What kind of question is that?” My temper flared again.
She stiffened at my outburst. “I’m sorry…I take it back.”
Now I was being a dick to the one person who actually liked me. “No, I didn’t hook up with her. I came home and beat off in the shower.”
She held her fork in her hand and didn’t make a move. Her eyes were downcast like she was in shock.
“You asked…”
“I just…never mind.” She shook her head and kept eating.
I sipped my water while examining her face. I didn’t care about not censoring my thoughts. People’s opinions meant nothing to me. And she knew how attracted I was to her. I pressed my hard dick against her on our first date and made it clear just how turned on I was. “Thank you for dinner.” I wanted to say something to break the silence.
“Of course.” Her eyes were still glued to her plate.
“You really lighten the place up around here. It smells like flowers all the time.”
“That’s just the smell of a clean home.”
“Well, I like it. I need to get a maid or something.”
She finished her plate then wiped her lips with a napkin. I spotted the movement and wondered how my lips would feel pressed against hers. Would it feel just as good as last time? Or would it feel better?
I had a feeling it would be better.
“I’ll do the dishes tonight.”
“I don’t think so.” I shot her a glare that told her I wouldn’t change my mind. She could be stubborn, but I was more stubborn. “You cook and I clean. That’s our arrangement.”
Francesca recognized the determination in my voice. “Fine. I’m going to start a load of laundry.” She left the table and walked down the hall.
My eyes moved to her figure. She was all curves. She was lean and limber, but she had strength in the right places. Her thighs were toned like she went running often, and her ass was firm and lifted. My eyes took it in as it swayed back and forth slightly. When she disappeared around the corner, my eyes were devastated from the loss.
***
After I brushed my teeth, I got into bed beside her. This was my favorite time of the day. A beautiful woman shared my bed, and not just any beautiful woman. I didn’t usually snuggle, only when I thought the girl would throw a hissy fit if I didn’t, but I liked doing it with Francesca.
It felt…nice.
Once I was under the sheets, I turned on my side and stared at her.
Her face was freshly clean from washing it, and the make up was gone. She looked so beautiful without it that I wasn’t sure why she wore it at all. Her eyes sparkled on their own, and her flawless skin was fairer than a porcelain doll. When girls wore too much make up, it was a turn off for me. If they had to wear that much, they must be really hideous without it. Francesca looked like a supermodel all on her own with no one’s help.
She was all natural.
She released a quiet sigh. It was barely audible. “What are you thinking?”
I held her gaze and didn’t blink. “You’re beautiful.” It was the honest truth, and I didn’t like to lie. If she couldn’t handle it, she could leave.
Francesca was one of the few girls I met who could take a compliment without being annoying about it. She always said thank you but didn’t seem conceited about it. She had the right amount of confidence. “That’s nice of you to say.”
“You asked.”
Her hair stretched across the pillow and made her look like an exotic mermaid that just crawled out of the sea. Her eyes were the color of seaweed and they seemed to possess the secrets of the deep.
“What are you thinking about?”
She stretched her legs slightly under the sheets while she made another musical sigh. “About you beating off in the shower.” Francesca was just as honest as I was, and that was refreshing and surprising.
“Turn you on?” I gave her a smug grin.
“Yes.” She said it with complete seriousness.
My heart skipped a beat at her words.
A slight smile stretched her lips. “You asked.”
I loved her playfulness. She was classy, but not too classy. She was down-to-earth and real. She was better than a slutty girl who would give it up to anybody, and she was much better than a virgin. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had in my bed.” That was the truth.
“Yeah?”
I nodded. “And the only girl I’ve slept with…and only slept with.”
“Because you care about me.” Affection was in her eyes.
“I care about you a lot.” More than anyone, actually. Francesca chased away the darkness when she brought the light.
“It’s hard for me to find a guy I like because I keep comparing them to you.”
That caught my attention. “In what way?”
“This connection. I’ve never had it with anyone else. Have you?”
I shook my head.
“I can’t describe it…because there are no words to describe it. Shouldn’t I have something like that with the man I end up with?” The question was rhetorical. “Every guy I go out with…doesn’t have it. We don’t click the way you and I do.”
Knowing she compared every guy to me filled me with joy—but also sadness. I couldn’t give her what she wanted even if I wanted to. I always had to keep my distance and my hands to myself. She deserved a man who wasn’t fucked up in the head like I was. But I also didn’t want to share her with anyone else. “I know what you mean.”
“I’m just glad I’m not crazy. Whenever I try to explain it to Marie, she doesn’t get it.”
“And I haven’t bothered explaining it to Axel.”
She chuckled softly. “You shouldn’t waste your time.”
“At least you and I get it.”
“Yeah…”
Whatever the hell it was. Maybe she was just a best friend. Maybe it was the first time I’d ever been able to be myself around someone. Who knew what it was. But it was there nonetheless.
My arm moved around her petite waist and I dragged her across the bed into my chest. She was half my size and easy to move around. When our skin came into contact, I immediately felt warm—but in a good way. My face was close to hers and I could smell her hair. It reminded me of a meadow in spring. Her skin was soft, and I missed the way it felt against my lips. The closeness healed my aching heart. The intimacy was something I’d never experienced before. It was the first time I’d ever been close to another human being—spiritually. Our hearts synced together and so did our breathing. I was entertained with her presence, and it had nothing to do with sex. All I wanted was her—nothing else.
“You’re so cuddly to sleep with.”
I smiled slightly. “I’m like a big teddy bear.”
“A grizzly bear.” Her arm moved around my waist and she tucked her leg between mine.
I released a quiet growl.
She chuckled. “So scary…”
“You shouldn’t be scared. But everyone else should.”
“You’re a gentle giant. You act tough on the outside, but you’re a big sweetheart on the inside.”
“What makes you say that?”
She held my gaze before she closed her eyes. “Everything about you.”
***
My phone vibrated on my nightstand three times before I realized someone was calling me. Being pulled from my dreams was painful. I was in a good place, Francesca still in my arms.
My eyes opened and I saw her hair cascaded around her face. She was dead asleep and hadn’t heard the phone. She looked small, safely cocooned in my arms. I really did fee
l like a grizzly bear keeping her warm from the cold.
The phone vibrated again so I snatched it and glanced at the screen. Instead of seeing one of my regulars, I saw my mother’s name.
Shit.
Not tonight.
Why did she have to call me this week?
I gently removed myself from Francesca’s side and made it down the hallway. The air was freezing in the middle of the night. The coldness seemed to leak through the cracks of the apartment.
I took the call once I was in the kitchen. “What?”
Mom was whimpering into the phone. “Hawke, please.” She didn’t need to say anything else. The calls were always the same. She needed to call the police or move in with me but she never did. Every time my dad apologized, she took him back like an idiot.
Why should I help her when this kept happening? I’d already been the subject of his torments, and now that I wasn’t there, my mom was the only target when he was drinking. Instead of letting him do whatever he wanted, she should be strong and stand up for herself.
But that would never happen.
It didn’t matter how much she irritated me. It didn’t matter how many times she called me. I had to help her.
Because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.
***
This time, Dad had a bat. He was breaking down the bathroom door when I arrived. He screamed incoherent things and threatened to kill her. To anyone else, he would be terrifying.
But he didn’t scare me.
I grabbed a vase from the table then slammed it hard against the back of his head. He immediately crumbled into a ball on the floor, his eyes closed. I stared down at him as the silence echoed. All I had to do was bash his head open and I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. Mom would be free. She could collect the life insurance and move on.
I could make it look like an accident.
But I wasn’t a murderer. I was already tainted with darkness. If I did it, I would be poisoned for the rest of my life. I’d be caught and thrown in jail, and all my dreams would be gone forever.
Mom opened the door, or what was left of it. When she realized he was knocked out cold, she breathed a sigh of relief and clutched her chest. But then she winced like she was in pain.