The Proposal

by R. R. Banks

  "Hi, Blake,” I said. "How is your day been going?"

  "It's fine," he said. "Nothing too exciting, really."

  "Do you want to join me for lunch? I can't promise how exciting it will be, but it can’t be that bad.”

  It might have been the worst attempt I had ever made at asking somebody out. And that included the time I decided I was going to be one of those brave, liberated college women and ask out my TA. Even standing up in the crowded lecture hall, and getting my backpack strap caught in the chair, flipping me on my ass in front of two hundred people, didn't feel quite as awkward as this did. But I kept a smile plastered on my face and did my best to not let him know how uncomfortable I was. I told myself that I wouldn't always feel this way. I was only feeling like this because I had convinced myself that I wasn’t dateable, that I wasn't worthy of someone’s love and attention. I needed to prove to myself that I capable of dating. Spending time with Blake was exactly what I needed to keep me distanced from Gabriel and remind me that my life was going to go on after this was over.

  "That would be fantastic," Blake replied with a grin.

  "Great," I said. "Why don't we meet in the lobby at 12:30?"

  He nodded in agreement while I tried to ignore the group of men gathered around the cubicle across from Blake's, who were doing a horrible job of pretending that they were deeply engrossed in the file they were discussing rather than listening in on our conversation.

  "That would be perfect," Blake said.

  I smiled, ignoring the men nudging each other suggestively, and walked away before anything could go horribly wrong.

  Having lunch with Blake again wasn't as uncomfortable as I anticipated it would be. It wasn't thrilling, but he was pleasant, and it was nice to chat with him. I knew that I felt absolutely nothing for him, but I had at least taken a step in the right direction. Gabriel didn't seem quite as casual about it, however. When I walked out of the elevator, I saw him standing over my desk. He openly glared at me as I approached. I tilted my head at him defiantly.

  "Is there something wrong?" I asked.

  "Where were you?" he asked.

  "I was at lunch," I said. "Just like I am every other day at this time."

  "Were you with someone?"

  I tucked my purse into the bottom drawer of the desk and sat down.

  "Yes," I said, not feeling as though I had any reason to hide it.

  "With that Blake guy again?"

  "Again, not that I think that it's any of your business, but yes. He and I went out for lunch."

  "I need you to come into my office and talk to me. Right now," he snapped.

  Gabriel turned on his heel and stomped into his office. I followed him, feeling somewhat like I was being called into the principal's office. He shut the door behind me and turned to face me before I was even able to get to one of the chairs by his desk.

  "You can't do that anymore," he said.

  "What? Go to lunch?"

  I felt strangely defensive and didn’t quite understand why.

  "Go to lunch with him."

  "I don’t remember seeing anything in my employee handbook about not being permitted to date other people in the company, especially someone who works in a completely different department."

  I hated how it sounded like I had been on a date with Blake. It certainly didn’t feel like one. But it was obvious that was what Gabriel thought, so I carried on with it.

  "There isn't anything in company policy that forbids it, but you aren't just another employee. There are other things that you need to keep in mind when considering your behavior."

  "My behavior?" I asked. "What's that supposed to mean?"

  Gabriel sighed and took a step toward me.

  "Look, Cherry," he said, his tone losing some of its angry edge. "I don't know what you're thinking or how you're feeling about this, but for now we need to put all of that aside. What you need to think about is our contract. I don't want you seeing anybody else. It's not about you, it's about the baby. You can't just be running around dating people while pregnant. It would be far too awkward when conversations about the baby and its paternity and raising it would eventually come up. And if you think that going to lunch with a co-worker is something completely casual, with no strings attached, I can tell you that I have seen too many messy relationships and eventual breakups happen because of lunch with a co-worker. You might not think that it's anything now, but by the time you realized that you were getting serious or that he might have feelings for you, you could already be pregnant and that would complicate things too much. Besides, I need to know that you are healthy and doing what's best for the baby at all times. The contract made it clear that you weren't to engage in any potentially dangerous activities. No drinking. No smoking. No eating foods that could be dangerous. And nothing else that could impact your body or the baby's growth."

  As much as I hated to admit it, I completely understood what he was saying. He was right. Me trying to force myself into proving that I could have a normal relationship wasn't appropriate when I was possibly only weeks away from carrying his child. Until our baby was safely born, I wouldn’t have full control of my body. The baby did. And I needed to do what was right for it, even before it existed.

  "I understand," I said. "I won't see him again."

  "Thank you," Gabriel said. "I only noticed that you were gone because I went to your desk to see if you’d like to have lunch with me. I wanted to go over a few more details before I leave on this trip.

  "I have all of the briefs and instructions in the files on my desk," I said. "I'll be able to handle it while you're gone. Don’t worry."

  "Not work details," he said. "I want to talk about how we're going to move forward after last night."

  I looked at him for a minute. We had already gone over this, but I assumed he was nervous because he was going away for three weeks. He wanted to make sure everything was set and arranged so he wouldn’t have to worry about it while he was gone.

  "Everything is still going exactly according to the plan," I reassured him. "When you get back we will go to the doctor and make sure that my body is ready and talk about when we'll be able to start the IVF process."

  Gabriel didn't respond for several long, awkward seconds. His eyes searched my face and there seemed to be unspoken words in his gaze. Finally, he nodded.

  "Alright," he said. "Then, I guess everything is taken care of."

  I nodded.

  "Don't worry about it. Have a good trip and before you know it, things will be moving right along."

  I walked out of the office with my arms hugging my chest, trying to ease the need to throw myself into his arms. I hated the thought of him being away for so long. I hadn't seen him in years before starting to work at the office, but everything was different now. I dreaded seeing his empty office and not hearing his voice. I was suddenly glad for the bear that was now sitting in my bedroom. It was meant for the baby, but I knew that it would be in my arms that night.

  I didn't regret the night before. He was always supposed to be my first. It was the way that I had always wanted it. But there was a part of me that was still worried that things had changed too much between us, too fast.

  Chapter Eight

  Gabriel

  I wasn't sure how I was supposed to be feel about the situation. I had woken up that morning deliriously happy, but within a few minutes reality had settled in, and along with it came the guilt. I felt like I had betrayed Brent. Betrayed his memory. Even though I made that promise so many years before and he was no longer here, the weight of it still loomed over me. It was exactly what I had felt when Cherry told me her mother was ill and that they had been struggling to keep up with expenses. My sense of loyalty was immediately triggered, and I felt like it was my responsibility to help them. Now I felt that, in trying to help her, I put myself into a position where I could take advantage of Cherry.

  But it didn't feel wrong. It felt like th
ings had happened exactly like they were supposed to.

  Cherry didn't seem fazed by it. The truth was that I had already gotten in touch with my lawyers and planted the idea that there might need to be some major changes made to the contract. The guilt I was feeling battled against the incredible attraction I felt for Cherry and the truly mind-blowing sex we had shared last night. I wanted to move forward, but I was ready to talk about going about it the old-fashioned way.

  Cherry seemed like she was still set on IVF.

  I felt tangled up in my own emotions. I supposed I should have been relieved that this was the way she reacted to what happened between us. There had been the possibility I’d show up for work the morning after and she would be hopelessly dreamy-eyed, expecting me to rip up the contract and run away and elope together. She could have thought that we had voided the agreement or that I had insulted her in some way. I should have been happy that she had gone the other direction and didn't seem at all concerned, and in fact, barely even aware, of what had happened between us.

  She had even gone to lunch with that annoying mouse of a man.

  That proved to be the limit for me. Cherry seemed insistent about doing IVF and I knew that I had to respect her and her wishes, but I couldn’t stand by and watch her date other people when she should concentrate on getting pregnant and delivering a healthy baby. Besides, she didn't need to. I was going to make sure she was well taken care of, and I hoped she would soon be far too busy to be thinking about anyone or anything else.

  I left for the airport an hour before I needed to, somehow convinced I would be able to will the plane into arriving early. I was ready to get these three weeks of networking and negotiating over with so that I could get back here and move forward.

  Cherry

  "How much have you kept in contact with Gabriel Reed?"

  My mother looked over at me from her recliner. I had helped her out of bed earlier and tucked her into the recliner with one of my quilts on her lap. Even though warm weather had finally settled in, she always seemed cold and I worried that with every chill she got, her health would worsen. Sometimes when I was sitting in the room with her, I felt like I could feel the minutes passing us by, like some giant timer was counting down. I didn't want to think that way. But when I looked at her and saw how extensively the illness had ravaged her, how much it had changed her, my heart ached. I never let her see how worried I was about her. I never wanted her to know how scared I was, or that I constantly questioned if everything was going to turn out all right. I needed to be strong for her. I sometimes felt like that was what she needed more than anything. She needed someone to be there and believe she was going to get through this. That she could beat whatever this was. My father had passed. My brother was gone. I was the only one she had left, which meant that I needed to be strong enough for the two of us. I needed to believe in her just as much as Brent and my dad would have.

  I was desperate to feel like we weren’t fighting a losing battle.

  "Gabriel?" She asked. "It's been a good while since I've talked to him. There was a bit of time when we stayed in close contact, but he got busy with life and that big company and everything, and I guess time just got away from us. Why? What has you thinking about him?"

  "Actually," I said, putting down the quilt square I was working on and walking over to the table so that I could give her a glass of water. "I started working for him recently."

  "For Gabriel?"

  "Yes. You know I lost my courier job. Well, I couldn't just sit around forever and pretend that everything was going to work itself out for me. I had to go out and find it for myself. So, I interviewed for a position at his company and I got it."

  "You sound just like your father," she said. I could still hear the misty emotion in her voice.

  No matter how many years passed, it was always obvious she still missed and longed for my father. They were each other's first and only love. When I was a child it was hard to imagine the two of them not being together. I didn't think that one would be able to exist without the other. If I’m being honest, I didn’t think Mom was going to make it when he passed. There were days when I felt like she was slipping away from me and I had started to mentally steel myself for life without both of my parents, but she pulled through. She always said that she had to, because of Brent and me. She couldn't bear to leave the two of us behind to fend for ourselves. Not yet. We were all that she lived for. Gradually she started to come out of the darkness and I could see little glimmers of her old self again. She was mostly better now, at least in that respect. But thoughts of my dad were never far from her mind or her heart.

  I knew she was right. I did sound just like him. He had taught me a lot about being an adult in the brief time he was here, and one of those things was that you couldn’t just wait around. You couldn’t have a thought in your head and sit back, expecting it to happen for you just because you wanted it to. You had to go out and find a way to make your dreams happen because the longer you sat around and did nothing, the harder it was when you eventually realized life had passed you by and you never took part in it.

  I tried not to obsess over my mom’s condition. I tried not to think that she might be in pain or experiencing anything negative. I reminded myself that soon she would have everything that she could possibly ever need. Knowing that she could live the highest quality of life while receiving the best possible medical care was worth any trouble I had to go through. It really was.

  "I didn't actually know it was Gabriel's office when I applied for the position," I said.

  "Well, that's a surprise."

  "What do you mean?"

  "I saw the way that you always looked at that boy, Cherry. Don't think that you were able to hide it from me. But he was too old for you then. I was glad he never chased after you. Then after your brother died, he just totally fell apart."

  It never ceased to amaze me how easily my mother was able to talk about Brent. I still felt my voice catch in my throat and my heart freeze whenever I thought about or said his name or talking about his death. But she was able to do it so smoothly, so effortlessly.

  "How do you talk about him like that?" I asked. I’ve never been able to bring myself to ask that question, but I suddenly felt like I needed to. It was a compulsive question, but now that it was out there, there was nothing I could do about it. "How do you talk about Brent so easily?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "It's still hard for me. It still hurts. I don’t ever want to say his name or use the past tense when I talk about him. Or acknowledge that he isn't here anymore. But it doesn’t seem like it bothers you as much. It just comes so easily to you. You're able to just talk about him like it’s not a big deal."

  "It bothers me, Cherry. Don't you think for a second that my heart doesn't break every single time I think about your brother. He was my boy. My baby. I brought him into this world and I was sitting right there beside him, holding his hand when he left it. I can’t change that he isn’t here anymore, but I can sure as hell stop him from being forgotten. Everything is different now. Everything will always be different. I can't hold him. I can't give him a kiss or make him his favorite dinner. I can't give him a present for his birthday or even just sit with him. But I can say his name. I can remind myself, and everyone around me, and the entire universe, that Brent was real. My son lived. He mattered. He might not be here with us anymore, but he didn’t just disappear from existence the day he died. I'm going to carry him with me every day until I'm with him again. Just like your daddy."

  I walked over to my mother and wrapped my arms around her. She felt frail in my arms, but I knew that she was far from fragile.

  I sat with her the rest of the afternoon and we talked about Gabriel. I didn't tell her about the contract or my feelings for him. But I listened. I listened to her tell me about struggles I didn't even know he had faced after Brent died. I knew it had been hard on him. They were extremely close, and the suddenness of my brother's death
was a devastating blow. But I didn't realize how far it had spiraled out of control. I had been so deep in my own despair that I hadn't even noticed just how out of touch Gabriel had become. After he left, I was so hurt and embarrassed that I avoided any reminder or mention of him. I didn't want to know what he was doing or where life had taken him. Now my mother filled me in on all his risky choices, the wild lifestyle he led, and seeming total lack of regard for life in general. It hurt me to hear about it and to think of everything that he had gone through. He had been trying to self-destruct just like I had.

  He was so worried about me when he found out about what I had gone through in recent years. He said he should have been there for me, that he should have helped me, as if he thought he was responsible for saving me. Yet, I had never thought about saving him.

  Mom had started to get drowsy, so I helped her back into the bedroom and tucked her into bed. I touched the quilt folded at the foot of the bed as I walked by. My grandmother had made it during her engagement to my grandfather. It had been on their bed until the day my mother married my father. It was my grandmother who taught me how to quilt when I was still a little girl. It seemed like such an old-fashioned skill, but as an adult, I was glad that I had it. I didn't use all the same techniques as my grandmother did and my style was brighter and more vibrant, than the soft classics she had created, but I still felt connected to her every time I worked on piecing a square or stitching a final layout. I knew I was creating something beneficial and that I would someday be able to pass it down to my children.

  That thought lingered as I left her house and made my way back home. I contemplated the reality of having a baby and what it would be like. I still wasn’t sure how much my life would change after the baby came. It was something I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about, even in the week and a half since Gabriel had left on business. He had checked in a few times, but the conversations were brief and related to official business only. We hadn't thought about the reality of what our relationship would be like when I was pregnant, much less when the baby came. The contract was very dry and straightforward about the specifics of parenting itself. It delineated the specific choices and responsibilities that each of us had and outlined protocols for how to handle any confusion or disagreement. It even put into place preparations for where the baby would go to school and how its finances would be handled. Before now I didn't even realize that babies had finances.