by Joanna Neil
‘Things don’t quite work out like that, though, do they…theway we expect? You might suddenly remember what it was you had before.’
‘Matt…’
He kissed her again, quelling the words before she could get them out, and her mind spun in a heady vortex of desire and longing, and all the while mixed up with it was a spiralling fear that uneasy suspicions might tear them apart.
She loved him. How could she ever leave him for another man? But, on the other hand, would he eventually tire of her and leave her for someone else? Someone like—
The image of a dark-haired temptress with sultry green eyes swam into her vision. In her mind, the girl was standing in a bedroom doorway, one hand resting on the doorjamb. She was dishevelled, her shirt falling open to show her bra and a skirt that was unbuttoned at the waist. Saffi recoiled as though she’d received a blow to the stomach. ‘No…oh, no…’
‘Saffi?’ Matt looked at her in consternation. ‘What is it? Has something happened?’ He stared at her, trying to work out what was going through her mind. ‘Is it another memory?’
‘I…she…yes…she was there…she was with you…’ She broke away from him, aghast at the images that had swirled through her mind.
The colour drained from Matt’s face. ‘Saffi, it’s not what you think. You have to believe me.’
She shook her head, as though that would shake off the picture that was splashed across her vision like the pages of a magazine.
She stared at him, shocked to the core. ‘You know what I’m seeing, don’t you?’ His words were like an admission of guilt, even though he was denying it. ‘No wonder you wouldn’t tell me what had happened be- tween us.’
He moved towards her, reaching out to hold her, but she backed away.
‘You…you ch-cheated on me…Oh, no…’
She felt sick, her stomach was churning, her chest heaving. The image, once forgotten, was now burned on her mind.
‘How could you? We were in love and you cheated on me with Gina.’
Matt looked agonised. ‘I tried to explain, but you wouldn’t listen. I didn’t cheat on you, Saffi. I know it must have looked that way, but I didn’t.’
‘She told me…she said you wanted her…that it was all over between you and me. How can I believe you when she told me herself what was going on?’ She turned away from him and rushed to the door. ‘I have to get out of here.’
She heard him calling after her, but she ignored him and kept on going, out of the door, desperate to get away. The department’s emergency phone began to ring, and as she stepped into the main area of the emergency unit she heard Matt’s pager bleep. She knew he couldn’t come after her now, and she fled to the car park, thank- ful that she had been able to make her escape.
CHAPTER NINE
‘YOU’RE VERY QUIET today. Has something happened be- tween you and Matt?’
Jason watched Saffi keenly, but she tried to avoid his gaze. They were sitting on the grass in a picnic area high up on the moor, overlooking a magnificent bay. ‘I noticed that you keep trying to avoid him by going into the house whenever he’s around in the garden. You did that yesterday and again this morning.’
‘I’d rather not talk about it,’ she said. ‘Could we finish up here and go back to the house, do you think?’ She hadn’t wanted to come out at all this afternoon, but he’d persuaded her to come with him on a picnic and now she was regretting it. Her heart simply wasn’t in it. She needed to be on her own, to think things through.
‘But it’s beautiful out here, don’t you agree? It might help you to relax if we stay for a little longer. I picked this spot especially…it’s peaceful and shaded from the sun, and we can see over the moor for miles.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’ It was true that this was a lovely place to spend an afternoon, and for the most part she’d appreciated the peaceful riverside walk. They’d followed the path through the woods and come to this idyllic place, where they could sit and look at the coastline in the distance.
But she didn’t want to be here with Jason. She wanted to be with Matt, but every time she thought about him her stomach turned over and she felt panicky and sick inside. How could he have let her fall in love with him all over again only to have the beautiful bubble of illusion burst in her face?
‘Have some food,’ Jason suggested, rummaging in the hamper and bringing out a pack of sandwiches. ‘You’ve hardly eaten anything.’
‘No, I’m not hungry. Thanks all the same.’
He held up a plastic container. ‘How about a jellied fruit pot?’
‘No, really. Thanks. You thought of everything, the food was excellent and this place is perfect, but I want to start back now.’ Her head was hurting as the blood pounded through her veins and her forehead was hot.
He frowned. ‘But I thought we could—’
She started to pack away the paper plates and packaging. ‘Stay here, if you like,’ she said, unable to cope any longer with his prevarication, ‘but I’m going home.’
‘Ah, come on, Saffi, don’t be like that. I thought we might stay here for a bit and then wander down to the inn later on. We could head down that way now, if you want.’
She stood up. ‘You’re not listening to me, Jason. We’ve already been out for a few hours, when I didn’t want to come here at all. It’s my fault, I should never have agreed. But now I’m going home.’
She started to walk across the moorland, taking a short cut to where they’d left the car. Jason caught up with her and fell into step beside her.
‘You’ve fallen out with him, haven’t you?’ he guessed, and when she didn’t answer he said with quiet satisfaction, ‘Well, I can’t say I’m sorry. I’m glad he’s out of the picture.’ He gazed at her, his eyes filled with longing. ‘You and I belong together, Saffi. I knew we were right for each other the moment we met.’
‘I don’t know about that,’ she said. ‘I still don’t remember how it was before I hurt my head.’
He smiled. ‘Perhaps if I kissed you, it would all come flooding back.’
A faint tremor ran through her. ‘No,’ she said, perhaps a little too firmly. ‘That’s not a good idea.’
He was quiet after that, walking along with her to the car, making desultory conversation.
It was a huge relief finally to be back at the house and when he asked if he could come in, she said softly, ‘I want to be alone for a while, Jason. I think I’ll go and lie down for a bit.’
She had a sick headache, and perhaps it was a result of the strain of these last few days, or maybe it was because everything was coming unglued inside her head and her memories were returning thick and fast. She’d longed for that to happen these last few months, but now she wished she could go back to her state of blissful ignorance.
At work in A and E it took a real effort not to let her unhappiness show. She spoke to Matt about their patients or anything medical, but whenever he tried to talk about what had happened between them she cut him off.
‘I don’t want to hear it, Matt,’ she said in a fractured voice. ‘We’ve been through this before. It’s over.’ Even though she’d managed to say it, inside she was falling apart. His expression was tortured, and she guessed he was full of regret for the way things had ended all over again. Her stomach churned to see the pain in his features, but it was all of his own doing, wasn’t it? She couldn’t be with a man who had cheated on her. Wasn’t there always the chance he might do it again? Hadn’t his love for her been strong enough to overcome temptation?
She finished her shift at the hospital and hoped Jason would stay away from her. She hadn’t exactly been good to him the day before. But he turned up again a couple of hours after she returned home, full of plans for where they might go.
‘We could drive over to Rosemoor and look around the garden,’ he suggested. ‘You’d love it there. There’s an arboretum and a cottage garden—all the things you like.’
She shook her head. ‘Not today, Jason. I think I’ll
just stay here and potter in the garden. There’s quite a lot of tidying up to do.’ She could see he was disappointed and she added gently, ‘I know this is your holiday and you want to be with me, but I’m not in the best of moods. Perhaps you’d do better to look up old friends or go out and about by yourself.’
‘No. I’ll stay with you,’ he said, and her heart sank. Sooner or later, she would have to tell him it would never work out for them. Perhaps she’d seen something in him at one time and they’d been good together, but, whatever it was, it had gone. It had taken her less than a fortnight to discover that they weren’t suited.
She doubted she’d ever find love again. Matt had ruined her for that. For her, he was the one and only, but it looked as though he hadn’t felt the same way about her. What had gone on between him and Gina was in the past, of course, but it could well happen again when he tired of her and she couldn’t handle that.
Jason sat on the rustic bench and watched her as she carried out everyday gardening tasks, dead-heading flowers and pulling up the occasional weed. They talked as she worked, and he told her more about his job as a rep, and how they’d met up when he’d come to the hospital pharmacy back in Hampshire as she had been fetching medication for a patient.
She’d started to gather seed pods from the aquilegia when Ben wandered into the garden. ‘Hi,’ he said, giving her a big smile. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m collecting these pods from the flowers,’ she said, showing him. ‘They’re full of seeds, see?’ She shook some out into a small bowl. ‘I’ll put them into envelopes so that they can dry out, and then next year I can plant them in the ground. They’ll grow into flowers.’
‘Can I have some? When Mummy comes home, we can put them in the garden.’
‘That’s a good idea. I’ll give some to your Uncle Matt to keep for you.’ She didn’t want him deciding to see what they tasted like. ‘How is your mother? Have you been to see her?’
He nodded vigorously. ‘We’re going in a little while—me and Uncle Matt. She’s feeling a bit better. She was sitting in a chair when we went to see her yesterday.’ His eyes shone with excitement. ‘My daddy’s coming back home to live with us.’
‘That’s great, Ben.’ She gave him a hug. ‘I’m so pleased for you.’
Jason cleared his throat noisily, drawing her attention away from Ben, and when she turned towards him he said, ‘All this talk about planting seeds—surely you’re not thinking of staying here?’
She frowned. ‘Yes, of course. I thought you realised that’s what I wanted to do. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when I first came back here, but now I know it’s what I want more than anything.’
‘But I thought you would go back with me to Hampshire. You know that’s what I want. We talked about it.’
She stared at him, aghast. How could he have assumed so much? She searched her mind for anything she might have said that could have given him the idea she had agreed to his suggestion, and came up with nothing.
‘I’m not leaving here,’ she said.
Ben tugged on her jeans. ‘Can we go and look for some eggs?’
‘Yes, okay.’ She glanced at Jason and saw that he was scowling at the boy. He obviously didn’t like the interruption.
‘Jason,’ she murmured, ‘it looks as though I’m going to be spending some time with Ben now, and then I plan to have a quiet evening. Like I said, I’m not the best company today. Perhaps it would be best if you went back to your hotel.’
‘We haven’t had much time together,’ he complained, ‘with you working, and people dropping by.’
‘People?’ she echoed.
‘All these distant neighbours that come by for flowers or vegetables—it wouldn’t be so bad if they took the stuff and went away, but they stay and chat. And now the boy’s come along to take up your time.’
Ben looked confused, sensing that something was wrong. Saffi put a comforting arm around the child and said, ‘I like chatting with my neighbours, and I want Ben to feel that he can come round here whenever he wants.’
She hesitated, bracing herself for what had to be said. ‘I think you should go, Jason. This isn’t going to work out the way you hoped. I don’t know how it was before, but I can’t care for you the way you want. We’re just not suited.’
‘You feel that way because you’ve been ill, you suffered a bad head injury and it’s taking time for you to get things back together again. We’ll be fine. Give it time, Saffi.’
She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, Jason. I don’t mean to hurt you, but you’re so keen to see things the way they were that you’re not giving any thought to the way I am now and what I feel and think.’
‘We could work it out. You just have to give it time.’
He couldn’t accept what she was telling him, and he countered everything she put to him with an argument of his own.
In the end, she said sadly, ‘I can’t do this any more, Jason. Please, go.’
Ben tugged once more at her jeans and she nodded, looking down at him. ‘Yes, we’ll go and see the hens.’
Jason left in a huff, and Saffi winced. Could she have been a bit more tactful or given him more time? Maybe, from his point of view, he had good reason to feel put out.
She went with Ben to the hen house and helped him to collect the eggs from the nesting boxes. ‘Shall we see if Mitzi’s left any for us?’
He nodded and they went over to the rabbit hutch. Matt had attached a wire run to the cage so that she could stretch her legs, and Ben was gleeful when he found two large brown eggs nestling in the wood shavings.
Matt came over to them as they started back towards the house. ‘You’ve been busy,’ he said, looking at the basket.
‘We found six!’ Ben said gleefully. ‘They’re for tea.’ He thought about it. ‘I could eat them all.’
Matt chuckled. ‘You must be hungry. Do you think you could take them into the kitchen? Be careful.’
‘I will.’ Ben went off, holding the basket very still so as not to disturb the eggs.
Matt looked at Saffi, searching her face for some clue as to how she was feeling. ‘How are you?’ he asked.
She shrugged. ‘I’m okay.’
He grimaced. ‘I’d have done anything not to upset you.’
‘Then perhaps you should have told me what happened before I started to care for you all over again,’ she said sharply. ‘You should have thought about it in the first place before you decided to two-time me with Gina. Or perhaps you imagined I wouldn’t find out?’
His face was contorted with grief and regret. ‘It didn’t happen, Saffi—it wasn’t what you thought.’
‘Wasn’t it?’ Her eyes widened in disbelief. ‘It seemed pretty straightforward to me. I dropped by your place one night when you weren’t expecting to see me, and Gina came out of the bedroom. What am I supposed to make of it?’
‘She was trying to get back with me. When you came by after your shift finished she took advantage of the situation and made it seem as if we’d been together.’
She was scornful. ‘You’ve had a long time to think that one up, haven’t you? There’s no future for us, Matt. I told you at the time, I believe what I saw, and what she said. She told me you were getting back together. Why would I think differently?’
‘Because you know me, and I’m telling you that’s how it was.’ His eyes darkened with sorrow. ‘Or perhaps I’m wrong about that, and you never really knew me at all.’
‘Obviously you’re right about that.’ There was pain in her eyes as she flung his words back at him. ‘I thought I knew you, but you deceived me and I was devastated—twice over. I don’t know how you could do that to me.’ Her mouth tightened. ‘And why didn’t you tell me what had happened between us when we met up again instead of letting me find out weeks later?’
His brows shot up. ‘Are you kidding? If I’d done that I would never have had the chance to show you who I really am all over again. You wouldn’t have had anything to
do with me.’ His mouth flattened. ‘You can’t imagine how difficult it’s been for me to stay silent, or how hard it was for me to watch and wait for your memory to return, knowing all the while that you might cut me out of your life all over again.’
‘You were right,’ she said stiffly. ‘That’s exactly what I’d do. I couldn’t be with anyone who played around.’
‘I told you I didn’t do that. I tried to explain, but you wouldn’t listen and instead you left within the week and started a new life in Hampshire.’ His grey eyes were bleak. ‘You wouldn’t take my calls, you wouldn’t see me when I went over there—you wouldn’t even speak to me at your aunt’s funeral. Where does trust come into all this, Saffi?’ There was an edge of bitterness to his words as though he was finally coming to accept what had happened to them.
He said nothing for a while, deep in thought as though he was trying to work things out in his head. Then at last he said, ‘You’re right. There’s no future for us, because it seems to me that without trust there’s nothing at all. I knew I should never have allowed myself to get close to you all over again. I was just setting myself up for heartbreak, wasn’t I?’
She turned away from him as Ben came out into the garden once more. Her throat was aching and her eyes burned with unshed tears. She couldn’t answer him, and she escaped into the house, her heart pounding, her throat constricted.
She wished she’d never remembered how he’d cheated on her. Then she could have gone on loving him in blissful ignorance instead of having to suffer this awful heartache. More than anything, she wanted to be with him, but how could their relationship ever work out with that awful betrayal hanging over them? How was she even going to cope with working alongside him?
Back in A and E the next day she was busy with her patients and managed for the most part to stay out of Matt’s way. At lunchtime she went over to the intensive care unit to look in on Danny and find out how he was doing.