by Vivian Lux
"How what was supposed to go?" I was still out of breath. And knowing Jaxson and his preternatural ability for sniffing out my weaknesses, he could probably smell my orgasm still lingering about me.
"Our first meeting."
I leaned against the doorframe and crossed my arms. "No, I'd say that was about normal."
"Why do you always assume I'm being an ass?"
"Because you usually are?
He looked wounded a second. Then I immediately recognized the twisted curl of his lip that he did whenever he was trying to hide irritation. "So, how are you?"
I clenched my fists. "How am I?"
His eyes blazed. "Yes. How are you? It's a simple fucking question, really."
I hated him. "I'm jetlagged and irritable. I don't want to be here, and my soon-to-be stepbrother won't leave me the hell alone. How do you think I am?"
He grinned. "I'd say that was about normal."
"Real nice."
"Oh, would you stop being so damned prickly all the time?"
"Me?" I wanted to shove him, but that would mean I had to touch him, and I couldn't trust myself with that. "You're the one who's giving me shit!"
"I'm trying not to!" he exploded and for a moment there I saw genuine frustration. Then the cocky sneer returned. "Time to go to dinner. Annie commands." He turned, his eyes already on his phone.
Chapter Ten
Jax
Two for two.
Actually, if you're counting my record in fucking things up with Liliana Nesbit, those two encounters were nothing in comparison with how badly I'd fucked things up in the past. But still, twice in the same day, the first day I saw her in a year... that was pretty incredible.
So I had gone and picked a fight with her. When all I wanted to do was sweep her into my arms and cover her in kisses and promises of never letting her go.
I am an idiot.
I pounded down the grand staircase of my mom's stupid trophy house, making as much noise as I could. I wanted to smash my feet right through the floor, so something else was as fucked up as I felt.
Yeah, I never finished high school. Yeah, I wasn't much of a reader. Maybe I was pretty dumb, but in all of the weird excitement about this sham wedding, it never really occurred to me what it meant to my life. I was just happy it had forced Lily to come back home so I could see her, mess with her, have her close by to torture me, whatever the fuck I was playing at here. Pick things up where we left off, before my idiot ego ruined everything. I just wanted things to be how they were supposed to be: me and my Bit against the world.
In all of that, I never considered that our relationship would change through no fault of my own for once.
Her dad was marrying my mom.
She was going to be my sister.
I suddenly hated my mother. More than before. And fucking Nails too, the tumor that he was. Glommed on to my mom for a decade and only bothered to put a ring on her finger now, after all this time, after Bit and I... fuck.
I wanted to destroy something.
I rounded the corner into the big dining room with the table with mismatched chairs. My mother had more money than God, but she still insisted on living like a college student. Like it gave her "cred" with all these yes men and hangers on that surrounded us at all times, leaving no room for privacy.
That disgusted me too.
I grabbed the ratty wicker back chair at the head of the table and brought it smashing down to the floor. The splintery crash echoed through the big, empty house.
I heard the squeak of a sneaker and waited. They were going to come running soon, all of them. Greg and Bash and Diggs and all of those guys that were always staying over here, surrounding my mother like a flock of pothead butlers. Bash would mostly likely get here first and get pissed at me, possibly even take a halfhearted swing. That was what I needed, a fucking fight.
"Fuck you!" I shouted into the house.
"Oh, what the fuck, Jaxson?" Bash was indeed the first person to see me standing there with a broken, jagged chair leg in my hand.
"What the hell did you do?" Greg drawled, stoned as ever.
Then my mother pushed her way between them.
"I broke the chair," I announced. "You need to buy some new ones anyway. This bullshit, boho poverty chic is pretty pathetic when you consider how much your net worth is."
My mother just looked at me, nostrils pinched. I wanted her to lay into me. I itched for a fight so I could tell her exactly how stupid this whole wedding idea was.
She shook her head once. "What?" I challenged her. I sounded like a petulant teenager, which only pissed me off more.
"Diggs, can you grab one of the contractor bags? I think they're on the porch," she said, as calm as I was angry. She turned back to me. "Don't worry, Jax. Mommy will clean up your mess. Again."
As soon as my mother spoke, that was the end of that. They all turned away, done with me.
All except for Lily.
She was so little, I hadn't seen her there, staring with her wide, brown eyes.
"Lily?" I didn't give a fuck what the others thought of me, but the thought of Liliana staring at me with contempt nearly sent me into another round of chair breaking.
"You okay?" she said. Softly, so softly I would have missed it if I weren't focused completely on her lips.
I had forgotten. The desire--fuck, the love--was still there, but I had forgotten this part. When the world narrowed down to a pinpoint and she was the only thing I could see.
When I was with her, everything quieted down, both on the outside and inside of my head. When I was with her, things got clearer.
The answer to her question was clearest. "Am I okay?" I shook my head. "No. No, Bit. I'm not."
Chapter Eleven
Liliana
Jax broke a chair, and everyone just went about their business like it was nothing. Just swooped in and took care of it for him. So he didn't even have to clean up his own mess.
That should have made me angry. I fully expected to be seething over it the whole ride to dinner.
But the look in his eyes, utterly hopeless and defeated when he told me that no, he wasn't okay, haunted me instead.
I sat in the back of the limo with my fingers knotted together, resisting the urge to take his hand in mine. Let him lean his head against my shoulder, just for a bit.
It didn't have to mean anything. Just a friend comforting a friend.
But just as I got up the nerve to touch him, the car stopped and the doors opened to reveal that the paparazzi had gotten wind of our location.
"Dammit," Nails seethed. "Why won't these vultures leave you alone?" He stepped protectively in front of Annie, shielding her with his bulk.
"They're not after me," Annie chuckled.
It was true. All of the lenses were pointed right at Jax. "Mr. Blue! Over here! Mr. Blue!" came the shouts.
He looked startled for a moment, a deer caught in the headlights. I bit my lip, watching as he recovered. It was like watching him put on a mask, slipping a bright, beguiling smile on over his despondent features. It gave me the chills.
I hung back by the car, watching him handle the crowd like a pro. The maître'd came flapping up to Annie, mouthing apologies, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Jax.
The tightness around his eyes was a tell that only I could discern. He was ready to blow at any second.
My heart gave an involuntary lurch, propelling me into the fray. "I'm sorry, guys, Mr. Blue is done for today," I called, doing my best impression of a bustling personal assistant. "Thank you, thank you, we really appreciate it." I wrapped my arm around Jax's shoulder and made to hustle him into the relative safety of the restaurant.
"What are you doing?" he hissed.
"Getting you out of there."
He made a noise, but allowed himself to be ferried. I gave one last wave to the paparazzi who, if anything, were snapping even more furiously, then I ducked us both into the restaurant.
"You okay?" I asked him
.
He looked me up and down. "Remind me to hire you onto my team."
I squared my shoulders. "You couldn't afford me."
He laughed. "You're right about that, Bit. You're fucking priceless."
A slow heat spread from my blushing cheeks, warm and sliding down my spine. The part of me that hated him was dissolving like a lump of sugar on my tongue.
We moved to the corner table, away from the windows--the maître'd had made sure--and took our seats.
As I looked at the menu, my eyes bugged. This was definitely not my chosen New York lifestyle of poverty and ramen. For one brief second, I felt like I was fifteen again, tossed into the world of touring. My wide-eyed reaction to the wild scene I found myself thrown into left me vulnerable to the point of gullibility. Back then I was looking for any way to make sense of my new surroundings and looking for someone who could show me the ropes.
And the best person to do that was Jax.
Jax grew up in the madness of touring. His mother dragged him along on every single one, and he spent his childhood listening to the foul mouths of roadies and sneaking cigarettes behind the bus. He was a man before he ever had a chance of being a boy. It was a good thing the guy never had a true awkward phase, because his life in the limelight left him constantly under scrutiny. And his good looks made him a target.
"Holy shit, it's true!" Bash crowed. The rest of his words were drowned out in a chorus of hoots and hollers. Jax was being showered in high-fives and I couldn't see what it was they were cheering about.
"Shove over!" I shouted, elbowing Jax in the ribs. Too late he must have realized how this would look and tried to put his hand on my shoulder. But I already saw what it was.
"Jaxson Blue: Countdown." The website was just one huge stopwatch lined with shirtless pictures of Jax. I was about to ask what the heck it was when it hit me. "Your birthday?" I asked.
"Ladies are waitin' for our Jaxy boy!" Bash declared, clapping Jaxson on the back.
I felt nauseous. A whole website devoted to when he turned eighteen. Jaxson met my eyes for a second, looking pained, then turned around and shouted, "Hey, look, it's almost midnight!" "
I should have known then. I should have hardened my heart and realized he could never belong to me.
"Aren't you going to say anything at all, Liliana?" Annie leaned back in her chair. "It's been forever since we last saw you. How are you?"
I looked up from my menu, embarrassed at being caught in my reverie. "Jetlagged," I told her, truthfully. I looked down at the menu. "And hungry."
"Mmhm." Annie had already lost interest. "I'm glad you're here."
"Me too," I sighed. "I'm so happy for you and Dad."
Annie's right hand was weighed down with heavy silver rings embedded with chunks of uncut gemstones and hunks of turquoise, but her left hand was bare. The better to show off the sparkler on her ring finger. She flicked her long, layered hair over her shoulder and my eye went right to it. She smiled and extended her hand. "He did good, didn't he?"
I glanced at my bearded, long-haired father and then back to the delicate, modern design of the ring, a dazzling solitaire set into a pattern of etched leaves and vines around the band. "You picked this out?" I asked. I didn't mean to sound as surprised as I did.
My dad grunted a mixture of pride and disgust. "Yes, I did. Give me at least some credit, here."
"It's why he waited so long," Jax piped up. He was slouched in his chair like a petulant teenager in spite of how well he had grown up this past year. I kind of understood. Being out like this, with our parents monopolizing everything, made me feel like an awkward teen myself. "He didn't trust himself to get the ring right until fifteen years had gone by."
Nails raised his bushy browns. He was trying to figure out if Jax was insulting him or not, I could tell. I honestly wasn't sure myself.
"Right," my dad finally said, deciding to be jovial. "I was already on thin ice. I couldn't afford to fuck the ring up too." He shot a sheepish look at me. "Whoops. Sorry, Lily."
I blinked at him. "Sorry? Wait, did you really just apologize for swearing in front of me?"
Dad nodded.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Dad, do you have any idea how many billions of curse words I've heard you lay out while I was touring with you?"
I meant it to be funny, but my dad went silent and cast his eyes down on his plate. Annie quietly covered his hand with hers. A pop of flash from the front of the restaurant momentarily blinded me and I was suddenly pissed. "What?" I demanded. "Why are we all acting like someone died here? I'm just used to Dad swearing, that's all I'm saying."
"That... that doesn't make me feel good, Lil," my dad said gruffly. He cleared his throat.
"Why the hell should it make you feel bad?"
He slammed his meaty fist down. "Dammit, Lil, because fathers aren't supposed to fucking swear in front of their kids! Shit!"
I sat back, shocked. I had never heard my father say a single word about parenting or how fathers were supposed to act in front of their kids. I didn't think he cared about stuff like that.
A heavy silence weighed down the air. I looked from my dad to Annie to my dad again, trying to figure out what I could say. "It's okay," didn't seem strong enough for whatever it was my father was trying to say here. But it was all I could think to say. "It's fine, it's okay, don't worry about it." Those were things I had told Nails my entire life, excusing him from everything he missed, forgiving all of the things he forgot.
Finally, I shot a frantic look at Jax. He put down his fork and nodded at me, just the slightest tilt of his chin. And just like that, the burden was lifted. He was going to take care of it.
"Three separate curse words in one single sentence," Jax mused, sounding impressed. "You've definitely turned over a new leaf, Nails."
"Oh, fuck off," my Dad leaned forward and the heavy silence lifted. "You're not my kid, so I can swear at you as much as I want, you little shit."
"Honestly, Jaxson," Annie huffed, "why do you always have to stir the pot?"
Jax grinned, the natural order of things restored. "Thank you," I mouthed to him, feeling a rush of affection and gratitude.
His mouth twisted strangely. "No problem, Bit," he said out loud. Too loud.
Heat flamed across my cheeks. "What was that, Jax?" Annie asked.
"Oh, nothing," Jax said airily, looking me dead in the eye. "Liliana was just thanking me for trying to lighten the mood here."
He saves me only to throw me to the wolves? What the hell, Jaxson? "What?!" I said sharply, "No, I didn't mean..." I looked from Annie to my dad. Both of them were staring daggers at me and I knew I was in for a rambling, long-winded talk about feelings. I glowered at Jax, grateful at least that he'd have to suffer through it too.
"It occurs to me..." Annie sat back in her chair, wielding her favorite opening line.
"Whatever. Listen," Jax pushed his chair back, "as much fun as this little oversharing family time has been, I've got shit to do." His chair scraped across the floor obnoxiously. "Don't wait up."
He disappeared around the back, deftly avoiding the photographers, and leaving me with our parents like some sacrificial lamb.
"Lily, have you any idea what's going on with Jax?" Annie said.
"Going on?" I stammered. "No, I just got here, how the hell would I know?"
"I don't know, you two seemed awfully close for a while."
I squirmed under Annie's gaze, tripping over how exactly how close we were. "Wish I could tell you something helpful, but I know even less than you do. Today was the first time we talked since I left for New York." My ears burned as I remembered exactly why I had left.
And just like that, I hated him again.
Chapter Twelve
Jax
It was a new place, louder and more raucous than our usual haunts, but tonight, that suited me just fine.
"Dude, slow down. I'm not in the mood to be cleaning up your puke tonight."
I f
inished my shot anyway and then leveled my gaze on Casper. My guitarist, and the closest thing I had to a friend, was so pale that the black lights made him glow. "I already have a mother," I slurred. "I don't need another one."
"I've met your mother, asshole!" he shouted over the sound of the bass. "She signed my guitar."
"I'm never going to forgive you for that. Traitor."
Casper grinned, his teeth glowing blue. "It's my retirement plan! In case my boss drinks himself to death instead of finishing his album."
"Don't call me your boss!" I groaned. "Makes me sound like I'm paying you to hang out with me."
"Well, shit! You kind of are. I don't have the money for this kind of place... bottle service... high-class girls." He shot a grin at his girl, Harlow, who looked up from her conversation with her blonde friend--Laney, Lana, something like that--and stuck her tongue out at him.
"You will!" The liquor was making me feel expansive. Grandiose. "Just stick with me..." A ripple went through me and I caught myself before I added, "...please."
It's a sad fucking state of affairs that even now, after years of knowing each other and two years playing together, I still wasn't entirely comfortable around Casper, or Toad, or any of them. There was always that voice--that nagging voice in my head that sounded suspiciously like Annie's--that told me they were using me. Using my money. Using my mother's name. My name. That no one actually liked me for just... me.
I used to think that about everyone. Until I met Bit. For some reason, she seemed to bring out a side of me that was actually likable. Maybe not to everyone, but to her, at least. She never looked at me like she was only barely tolerating my presence.
At least, she never did before.
Now, though, well... it was clear she wanted to hate my guts. Her cute little temper tantrum in the bathroom was proof of that. But the way she'd looked at me at dinner made her a liar. At dinner, when I had rescued her from her dad's epic awkwardness, she had looked at me like she used to. With those eager, open eyes.