The realization that Marie loved him almost threw Jake for a loop. He was immediately back to where he was all those years ago, watching his wife leave, and the coach that took her away had all his belongings strapped to it. He was lucky she’d left him with his clothes piled in the middle of the house that they no longer owned. It was just a small cottage, but Jake’s gambling had taken everything away from him. After that, he began drinking on a more frequent basis and now he couldn’t go a day without something.
If there was one thing Jake was not, it was a stupid man. He was aware of the problem. He knew that at any moment, he could snap and be angry for no reason, especially if he didn’t get enough to drink. He stared at Marie’s pretty face, running his eyes over her soft green eyes and down over her kissable lips. From the moment they’d met, he’d had an attraction for her. However, he never would have guessed that she would ever give him more than the time of day.
To be so aware of her love for him made Jake feel powerless and vulnerable. He was in no place to give her anything she needed, anything she wanted. He could barely make it through just a single day trying to take care of himself. How could he take care of a woman, too? In addition, if he were to begin a relationship with her, there was no way he was going to let her continue to take care of him.
He wanted to lean down and kiss her full lips. He wanted to grab her and hold her to him. Nevertheless, fear that she would quickly reject him and he would be devastated once more kept him back.
CHAPTER TWELVE
TALKING IT OUT
TALKING IT OUT
“I don’t want to leave, Marie, but if you want me to, I will.” Jake was choking on the words. He didn’t want to leave. He had nowhere to go. He had only recently been allowed back into the Horse N Saddle a week or two previous. He could go back and ask for a room, but he didn’t want to do that.
When he was with Marie, he felt like he was at home. Sometimes he wished he was alone, but most of the time, her presence was a comfort. She rarely got angry. When she did, it was a firestorm of rage.
Now, her firestorm was on full blast and he was regretful that he had been caught in the line of fire. “I didn’t know you wanted to be in a relationship with me, Marie. Do you want to court? Is that what you want?”
Marie shook her head, even though it was exactly what she wanted. “I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.” She avoided answering the question directly. “If I ever marry, it will be for love and love alone.”
Jake nodded. “I feel the same way. And I… I have been married before, Marie.”
She looked up at him. “As fate would have it, so have I. Did your wife die?”
“No. She took everything we owned, piled it up on a coach and went out on a search to find her one true love, I suppose.”
“Oh dear.” Marie suspected there was more to this story than she was being told.
“I take it your husband died.”
“Yes. There was an accident and he was crushed by a coach.”
“I am sorry to hear that.”
“I have not been seeking a relationship with anyone since then.” Marie looked down. She didn’t want to look into his eyes anymore. He tucked two fingers under her chin and made her look up at him. She was struck by the burning longing in his eyes. His words didn’t match the look in his eyes.
“I can’t even think about being with a woman right now, Marie. I have no love for myself. How can I have love for another?”
Marie’s heart fell into her feet. It leaped back up into her throat and she swallowed hard. It thumped painfully in her chest and she wished he wasn’t holding up her chin. She didn’t want to look at his face anymore. She would have to find a way to pull back her love for him, to extinguish the flame.
It was almost impossible to stop loving someone once you were already there.
“What exactly do you want from me, Marie?” Jake asked. He came closer to her, releasing her chin.
She turned her head and stared out over the pasture, instead of looking at him. Her hands were still locked on her hips.
“Please talk to me, Marie.”
“Why did you say those things at the bar? Everyone heard you. You told me you weren’t going to the Horse N Saddle. Alice says you haven’t spoken with Adam since the day you parted ways. You told me you were seeing him and talking to him regularly. Why would you tell me that?”
Jake pulled in a deep breath. That was something he had fibbed to Marie about. He didn’t want her to think he had not made an effort to talk to Adam again. The truth was, he was afraid to apologize. He was a constant disappointment to everyone around him. He’d disappointed Adam and was terrified that he would do the same to Marie. He didn’t ever want to hurt her feelings. It was the last thing in the world he wanted to do to her. However, he also knew there was no way he could love her the way she wanted and needed him to. She deserved the world and he was not good enough to be the one to give it to her.
He almost leaned forward to kiss her, but pulled himself back. She looked at him in shock.
“What are you doing, Jake?”
“I… I’m sorry.”
“You’ve been drinking?”
“Just a little rum.”
“Have you been to Sam’s today?”
Jake frowned. “Why is it so important? Why do you need to know? I’m a grown man, you’ve said so yourself. Is there something wrong with going to Sam’s and having a beer?”
Marie frowned back at him. “There is if you aren’t paying for it. How are you paying for it?”
“I’ve got a running tab. Now that I’ll be able to work again, I can pay it off.”
“Why did you lie about seeing Adam? I thought the two of you had made friends.” Marie had, indeed, thought that the two of them were now on speaking terms and had felt delighted at the prospect that Jake was choosing to stay with her instead of going back to his cousin’s. Now, to realize that he really still had no choice, she felt used.
Jake looked at her pretty face and sighed. “I don’t want to fight with you, Marie.”
“All you have to do is answer the question. All you have to do is be honest with me. Is that too much to ask?”
“No, of course not. Not at all.” Jake moved closer to her and she expected him to grab hold of her at any moment. She was still refusing to look at him, but when he got close enough, she locked eyes with him, knowing her own were glaring. His eyes didn’t reflect a hot fury like she was feeling. They did not show a lot of deep emotion either. They just looked confused and a little hurt.
“Then tell me why you lied to me,” Marie insisted.
He gave in and answered quickly, throwing his hands up in the air. “Because I didn’t want you to be mad at me.”
She frowned deep, her eyebrows nearly meeting in the middle. “Well, now I’m twice as mad! And why would I have been mad that you had not made up with him anyway? What on God’s green earth would make you think I would be mad about that? It’s not really my business. It’s only something I’m curious about. Lying to me about it doesn’t make sense to me.”
Jake knew he wasn’t going to be able to tell her the true reason for his deception. He just wanted to look better in her eyes, not worse. He wanted her to see that he was progressing, even though he didn’t feel like he was. He wanted to love her. He wanted to fall in love with her. He couldn’t when he knew that he had nothing to offer her and she deserved so much more than he could give her.
He took another step closer, bringing him within inches of her. She looked up at him. Her breath came and went shakily. He was gazing at her with a strange look in his eyes. Moments later, she felt his arms around her. He pulled her to him and she felt his heart beating against her chest. She was mesmerized by his smell. She closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the feeling of his body against hers. He was so warm and he held her so tight.
She tried not to enjoy it too much.
Jake wanted to take her to the back room
and show her how much he wanted to be with her. But he couldn’t. If he did, he risked losing his heart to her. If he gave it to her, she would have it 100% and he was afraid of what he might do, how far he would go to prove his love for her. He wanted to be an independent man with something to offer before he gave his heart to another woman.
Then what if it went wrong? What if they weren’t supposed to be together and they split up? He would lose her forever then – as a friend as well as a lover.
He dreaded that thought.
“I’ll try to do better, Marie,” he whispered in her ear, causing chills to erupt all over Marie’s body. “I promise I’ll try to do better. I won’t lie to you. I won’t do anything to hurt you. I’m sorry I lied. I won’t do it again.”
“Please don’t,” Marie replied softly. Jake was not surprised when chills erupted on the back of his neck, where her breath whispered over his skin with her words. “I want to trust you, Jake.”
As they pulled out of the hug, Jake wanted to press his lips against hers, but Marie very abruptly turned away from him. She went inside the house quickly, leaving him feeling cold because she was no longer in his arms.
He opened the door she had closed and went inside. She was not in the small foyer at the front of the house. Next to him on the right, two double French doors were closed. He went to the doors and opened and closed them, seeing she was not in that room.
“Marie? Where did you go?”
He didn’t get a response, so he glanced into the kitchen and then went to her bedroom. He pushed open the door and settled his eyes on Marie, who was sitting on the edge of her bed, a cloth held up to her face. She was pressing it against her eyes.
“Marie,” Jake stepped into the room.
Marie dropped the cloth long enough to see that it was Jake speaking and then covered her eyes again. “What do you want, Jake?”
“I don’t want you to be hurt. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you.”
Marie did not respond, so Jake moved to sit next to her on the bed. He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. “I don’t want to go anywhere, Marie. I like being here with you. I think we make a good team, you and me.”
She looked up at him. “You do?” she asked in a voice that made her sound like a child.
He smiled at her. “Of course I do. Don’t you?”
She thought about it. She couldn’t think of much that he’d done to be part of the team, but agreed with him anyway, to keep the peace. That was when she realized she had to compromise when it came to him lying about different things. She had just lied to him that she agreed the two of them made a good team. She thought they could, but that would mean he needed to do a few things to merit that station.
“I wish you wouldn’t cry,” Jake said softly. “It makes me feel bad inside. I don’t like to see it.”
“I can’t help it,” was all Marie could say.
“You just have to think more positively,” Jake said. Marie’s eyes snapped open and she listened to him with full awareness. He was nearly perfectly saying back to her what she had been saying to him when they first met. “You just need to progress and get to a point where you are happy, whether you are with a man or on your own. You have a wonderful life here. So many people love you. I’m a relative newcomer, but my reputation preceded me. A lot of Adam’s friends already knew about me, the bad luck charm.”
“I never said I wasn’t happy being on my own,” Marie said. “I know you think I was swift in offering my home because I was lonely and wanted a man in my house. That is not true. I wanted to help you. I’m glad I helped you. Sometimes you are confusing and you make me want to cry, but I’m glad I helped you. I wouldn’t turn it around even if time travel was possible. I know I have a lot of friends here.” Her heart pounded. All she could think about was that his arm was around her and he was holding her close to him.
How would she ever manage allowing him to live in her home when he was no longer in need? What would that do to her emotions, knowing he wasn’t going to respond the way she wanted him to? She bit her lip, thinking about it.
Jake leaned down and snuggled his face into her neck, making her breath catch and her heart stop for a beat. “Please, Marie. Don’t make me leave.”
His hand was massaging her arm. His breath was hot on her neck. She thought there was a very good chance she would never have such a sensation again before she died. She relished it while she could.
All Jake could think about was how Marie’s hair smelled like roses and her skin was as soft as the softest rose petals. Her neck was small and she was slender and beautiful. He pulled away from her after whispering the words. He hoped she would let him stay. He had nowhere to go and he enjoyed her company.
She looked up at him. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
He blinked at her. “Are you sure?”
She paused before whispering, “Yes.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
JAKE AND MARIE AT THE HORSE N SADDLE
JAKE AND MARIE AT THE HORSE N SADDLE
Jake sat in the Horse N Saddle, thinking about what he needed to do. He tipped up the beer and took a long swallow. The way he felt was confusing him. Normally, when he found a woman who would pamper and love on him, he would soak as much of it up as possible and then escape when the woman ran out of patience. He wasn’t able to do that with Marie.
He’d gotten used to seeing her all the time. He was secure that most of the time, he knew where she was and so could think about other things. He didn’t want to have to worry about her when he had so many other things to worry about. Like where he would find work. He was blessed to have his own horse. He could skip out of town if he wanted or needed to.
The thing was, he didn’t want to. He was at war with himself. He was angry that his words were overheard. He didn’t remember saying them, which meant he’d already been drinking heavily that night. He couldn’t be trusted when he’d been drinking for a while. There was no telling what he might say.
He didn’t blame Sam. He blamed his cousin and Mark. They were talking about him behind his back. Even if what they said was true, he felt betrayed. Why had they felt the need to tell Marie?
He cared about Marie, but didn’t want to fall in love with her. He knew that he already had some measure of love for her. It was the thought of actually falling in love again, like he had with his first wife. He didn’t want to feel the pain that came along with that kind of thing, even though so much of it felt good. It was the pain he feared.
Marie was well put together, a beautiful woman who managed to live her life as a widow with a great deal of happiness. He found himself impressed with her on many occasions, but only told her every now and then how he felt. He didn’t want to feel obligated to her, even though he was.
Sometimes he kept himself from telling her things. He was afraid if he talked too much, she would grow too close to him, know him too well. He didn’t want her to see who he really was. He hadn’t thought much about it before he came to Marie. As he thought about it now, he was a bit ashamed of himself.
“You’re in some deep thought, my friend,” Sam stopped in front of him.
Jake looked down and noticed his glass was empty. He nodded and pushed the glass toward Sam. “Yeah,” he said in a low voice.
“You’re down and out. Care to tell me about it? I don’t mind listening.” Sam picked up the glass and set it aside in a bucket filled with water. He took a clean glass out from under the counter and filled it with beer from the barrel.
Jake thought about it for a moment. The last time he’d talked to Sam in here, his words had been not only heard and taken out of context, but also told to Marie, which was the last thing in the world he wanted. He didn’t want her feelings hurt. It would kill him.
He turned and looked over his shoulders. There were a few other people in the saloon, although none that he recognized. He gestured with two fingers at Sam to come closer. Sam leaned over the counter.
“When I was in here the other night, I must have been pretty drunk, talking loud. Was I?”
Sam raised one eyebrow and pulled back a little. “You were, as a matter of fact. Why?”
“All that stuff I said… somebody overheard it and told Marie.”
Sam shook his head. “That’s a damn shame, Jake. I don’t think you meant any harm. You had just argued with her about something, hadn’t you? You were still stewing on that. It’s the only reason you were talking like that. I was just letting you get it out.”
“Well, now she is very upset with me.” Jake wasn’t going to tell Sam he had practically begged her to let him stay and had turned on the charm to get his way. He wouldn’t be telling anyone that bit of information.
“She making you leave?” Jake noticed when Sam looked up at the rooms upstairs.
“She isn’t. Not yet anyway.”
“I can’t let ya have a room here until you start working. I have to be frank with you, Jake, your bar tab is getting up there. I know you will get to the repairs you’ve said you’d do, but the sooner the better, you know?”
Jake nodded. “Yeah, I will start on them first thing in the morning.”
Sam smiled. “That sounds good. Thanks. And don’t worry about Marie. If there’s one thing everyone in Wickenburg knows about her, it’s that she is as loyal as can be. Once you have her favor, you will always have her favor.”
“Wow. That’s so…” Jake couldn’t find the right word to describe what he was thinking. It was like the people in Wickenburg thought Marie was an angel sent straight from heaven and landed in their little town.
“You don’t know her well enough. You’ll quickly learn why she is beloved here.” Sam took the cloth from over his shoulder, picked up Jake’s glass and wiped under it.
“I’ve seen her good deeds.” Jake nodded. “I’ve listened to the way she talks. She is quite a woman.”
Saved By An Angel (Family of Love Series) (A Western Romance Story) Page 9