by Sachin Garg
‘Samar,’ Swamiji continued, ‘a balanced life has several elements. To have your head in place and mind at peace,’ Swamiji said, ‘you need to have a balance of all these elements. Your mind and body have been disturbed for several months now because you lost the person you loved the most. And before you want to do anything in life, you need to bring that element of yours at complete peace.’
I was looking down, sitting in a relaxed cross legged posture. I looked up at him with pleading eyes, ‘What do you mean Swamiji?’
‘I mean you are lonely, Samar. You need a companion. You need a . . . friend. And it’s not easy making a new friend at this juncture for you. Your mind isn’t ready for that yet. What you need is someone who knows where you have been, someone in front of whom you are not conscious of making an impression, who knows who you are and what you stand for.’
‘And you think Navya is that person?’
‘She definitely does seem to be.’
I thought about what he had just said. I had several doubts. On one hand, I had no idea where Navya was. Finding her out will be a task in itself. Let’s say I do manage to find her; what do I tell her then? I was still too emotionally unavailable to be in love with her, I reasoned. So I put in so much effort to find someone whose love I can’t reciprocate. And then, when she gets comfortable with me again, I tell her that I still don’t love her?
It didn’t make sense to me.
Swamiji’s eyes had magical powers and from the way he looked at me, it seemed he was aware of every single apprehension in my head.
‘I know your doubts Samar. When you will meet her, it will either go well or go wrong. But it’s absolutely essential for you to find out what it will be. I will help you prepare for it in the next three days. There are three things I want to tell you. There are things you need to know as a young man. You wouldn’t understand or appreciate them immediately. But you will understand them eventually. I can only hope that they will add clarity in your head and conviction in your step. Go and rest now in your room and meet me tomorrow.’
I left the kutiya. But Vandana decided to stay over.
It seemed there was something on her mind she wanted to discuss with Swamiji.
‘Are you sure that they should meet again? Maybe it’s best that both of them have moved on,’ she asked him.
‘If I understand Navya at all, just like Samar, she is also living in imbalance. They are two unstable souls, if they would come together, they would unite in no time.’
‘But what if they don’t?’
‘Then nobody knows what will happen to Samar. But it’s a risk which we just need to take.’
Embrace Who You Are
I waited for Vandana the next day and once she came, we exchanged smiles and entered the kutiya. I had very high expectations today.
‘Samar, I want you to start. Tell me now, what is bothering you?’ he asked the same question he had asked me the first time we had met.
‘Swamiji, my problem is that I can’t control my mind. I think it just leads me anywhere and these days, and it’s usually not a very comfortable place. I need to learn to control it better. And I have no idea how to do it.’
‘You’re saying you can’t control your mind?’
‘Yes Swamiji.’
‘Samar, once there was a man riding a horse. He met a traveller on his way.
The traveller asked the horse rider, ‘Where are you going?’
The horse rider replied, ‘Why are you asking me? Ask the horse!’
‘Your mind is like the horse. And you are the one riding it, Samar. You have to take it wherever you want to take it. Nobody is born with excellent riding skills. It is acquired and mastered over time, with experience. Not only that, once you’ve learnt how to ride the horse, you have to learn to guide it with responsibility too.’
It took me a good few minutes to process and absorb the information. How could he compress such overwhelming advice in such a few statements? And then I realized what my shortcoming was.
‘Swamiji, I understand you view,’ I said. ‘But the challenge is that how does one learn to ride this horse?’
‘What would you do if it were a real horse which you had to climb?’
‘Well, I would struggle to climb it and would keep on struggling till I managed to climb it successfully.’
He smiled. And I knew I had answered my own question.
‘I want to teach three things to both of you in the next three days. As I said, you won’t understand them when you hear them first, but as and when you do assimilate, you will make peace with yourself.’
Vandana and I listened intently. We felt as if we were going to hear very important words in the next few minutes.
‘The first thing is that you need to stop trying to be somebody else and embrace who you are.’
‘It is futile trying to be a person whom you are not because the world doesn’t care about what you are running from. You need to stop doing that embrace yourself with your shortcomings. Your imperfections are as much a part of you, as your perfections are. It’s easy to embrace the perfections. What is challenging is embracing your imperfection.’
Swamiji beamed at us and listened to him with rapt attention.
‘You are thinking that whatever I am saying makes complete sense. In fact, at some level, you might have known this already. But then, it’s easier said than done. You’re wondering as to how you’d go about doing it. That is where I am going to give you a mantra.’
‘From now on, whenever negative thoughts cloud your mind, I want you to start paying attention to every thought crossing your mind. I mean, I want you to be aware of what is going through your mind at that time. Slowly and gradually, as you will get more and more conscious of what’s going through your mind, you will start gaining control over your mind. You will feel it yourself. It’s a slow process. But it’s the only process there is.’
It sounded a pretty simple thing to do. In fact, it seemed so simple that one could wonder what good will it do. And I think it might have shown on my face.
‘Samar,’’ Guruji spoke, ‘I want you to do a simple exercise for me.’
‘Ji Guruji.’
‘For ten seconds, focus on your breath. Just one cycle, breathe in and breathe out.’
I did as he said. And then again, my bewilderment might have shown on my face.
‘What you did just now was equivalent to picking a dumbbell once and keeping it back. One might think what good would it do? But if you go to a gym daily, and lift that dumbbell as a routine, you start seeing changes in your body. That is what I want you to do with your brain. And slowly, you will perceive the transformation.’
He wanted us to pay attention to what we were paying attention to. And then, in my head, it began to add up and make sense, at least theoretically. I began to think of benefits this could have.
– It would mean we would pay complete attention to what we were doing and have lesser distractions because we would be aware of the distraction
– It meant we would be calmer because we will actively block any unpleasant thoughts
– It meant we would be happier because we will actively build upon happy thoughts
This is what went through my head, while I was still sitting in front of him, looking at him. The session ended there. Vandana and I came out, in a rather silent state. And without exchanging any words, we retired to our respective rooms. I was too preoccupied throughout the session to think what was going through her head.
As I stood in the corridor outside my room on the first floor, I could see the complete Ashram. The thing about The Ashram was that nothing ever changed there. Even the people didn’t change much. The same Panditji would sit in the temple porch. The same receptionist. The same calm atmosphere of the place. The same secluded kutiya in one corner.
Panditji was meditating in unruffled silence. I saw him and felt jealous. On the face of it, it seemed so simple. He came, sat down, crossed his legs, closed his eyes,
kept his palms on his knees, enchanted some mantras and attained absolute peace with himself. But in reality, this was the toughest thing to do and if you could do this, rest was much easier.
I had only one problem. That the more I thought about Navya, the more positive my thoughts got. She became a goal for me; almost like something to look forward to after a tiring day at work. But, every time her thoughts came into my head, they were inevitably be followed by a pang of guilt. Yeah, because of Kanika. Just then, Swamiji came to my mind.
Stop trying to be somebody else and embrace who you are.
I realized I should stop thinking about what Panditji is doing. If meditation has to come to me, it will come when the time comes. And there have been way too many people in this world, who have lived a fruitful life, without even being aware of the concept of meditation.
And the second thing was that if my mind wanted me to think of Navya, I should let it. If I want to relive some of my memories, it was okay. If Navya had been there standing with me at that moment, she would have looked around and ridiculed them saying, ‘Peace doesn’t come from all this drama. It just comes from being loved, feeling loved. Or maybe just from doing your work. This is like pushing against a wall, manually. While the right way is to just go around the wall and keep walking.’
She would have gone up to the Panditji, who was deep into meditation and poked him in the nose or something. She definitely wouldn’t have seen the halo around Swamiji’s kutiya and she would have just walked in, and said ‘What’s up’ or something. She would have made the place go crazy.
Once she suddenly had the craving to play with a balloon at nine in the night. Without luck, we searched around for it in the small market in Goa. In the end, she went into a chemist store and bought a condom. She tore apart the packet, blew it and tied a knot. Her balloon was ready.
That was exactly what I needed. I needed some crazy in my life.
Not Immediately, But Definitely
The second day was no less unnerving. My only worry was that Swamiji might ask me what I comprehended of what he said yesterday. The truth was that even though I understood the literal meaning of his words, I knew I was a long way from completely experiencing what he was saying. But thankfully, there were no questions, no viva-voce. Typical Swamiji.
‘Samar, once again, I will start with you. Tell me, what do you think of meditation?’
Honestly, I had always been and still was a non-believer in meditation. But I was sitting in The Ashram, with Swamiji, who must be a great proponent of this art. I mean, it is a little difficult to go to the Pope and say you’re an atheist, right?
‘I still don’t understand this concept, Swamiji,’ I confessed.
Swamiji nodded, as he already knew that I was a nonbeliever.
‘So here is what I want you to do. I want you to not meditate any more. This Ashram is good only for teaching you the technique of meditation which I’m sure you’ve learnt by now.’
I was bemused. Swamiji had said the exact opposite of what I had expected him to say. There was one thing constant about being with him. He kept surprising you with his teachings.
‘Then wouldn’t I be wasting whatever I have learnt here?’ I asked.
‘No. What you need to understand Samar is that it is okay to be wrong sometimes. If the idea of meditation doesn’t appeal to you, you need not do it because you’re being told to do so. You’re a twenty one year old boy. So relax, bunk a few classes, smash some glasses, break your wrist, play in the sun and dip in the sea. Don’t be harsh on yourself.’
‘What if it never comes to me?’ I asked.
‘Then I would believe perhaps you were right in being a nonbeliever in meditation. But, if it is me reading the signs; one day, you will have so much going through your head that you would have to sit down, close your eyes and tackle one thought at a time. And meditation would seem like the best option.’
It could happen and it could not. I left it on circumstances and destiny and took Swamiji’s leave for the day.
Vandana, however, decided to stay back. She must have been taken aback by the flouting of Yoga and meditation rules Swamiji just proposed.
‘Vandana behen,’ Swamiji said, ‘Samar is a very depressed fellow. And I can see that meditation is only going to prove destructive to him. When you already have so many negative thoughts and you close your eyes and sit in a pensive mode, I’m afraid meditation would only amplify those thoughts, probably make them echo in the head. Which is what seems to be happening in his case. Even though Samar is both strong and sensible, I believe we cannot rule out self harm he could do in the situation he is in right now.
I didn’t sleep well that night. My head felt cluttered with all that I had learnt in these two days. It went against everything my parents, teachers and elders had been preaching since childhood.
A part of me believed that this whole institution of The Ashram, Swamiji, meditation, yoga, introspection was a sham and that I was being misled.
Another part of me believed that things were finally falling in place. That I was on the right path and I should thank my stars for having led me here.
I was confused, clueless and sleepless.
If I understood everything correctly, this was going to be my final day with Swamiji. Today, Vandana was already inside when I arrived five minutes early.
‘Samar, today is your final day at The Ashram. I want you two to start your journey tomorrow morning.’
‘Both of us?!’ Vandana said.
‘Yes. Both of you. I want both of you to make this journey. You will start your journey tomorrow, to look for Navya, wherever she is in this country.’
‘Ji Swamiji,’ both of us said. And looked at him with anticipation for our final lesson.
‘The final thing I want to say to you is another very simple idea. And as I told you on the first day, it’s like lifting a heavy weight. You have to practice it every single day, several times to benefit from it. But the benefit is worth the pain. And soon, it stops seizing to be a pain and becomes a part of you.’
‘It’s a very simple thing to do. Samar and Vandana, I want you to help every single person in this world you possibly can. There’ll be two ramifications of it: Firstly, that person will feel nice and become your friend. And secondly, and more importantly, you will feel good and a lot of your doubts will begin to melt away. This is the strength you need. Slowly, it will become a part of your nature. Your joys will be sweeter and tough times will become rarer. All said and done, this, from now on, should become the mantra of your life: Share your joys, and work towards decreasing others sorrows. Can you two do this for me?’
Vandana and I nodded fervently. I knew it was really easy to sit in that kutiya and nod our heads. But it will be much tougher to actually put it into practice. We will be faced with difficult questions, situations and will have to make difficult choices.
Swamiji looked at me straight into the eye, as if he was passing some energy through the root of the eyes. And it was that invisible, intangible energy which told me that I was ready. At least in theory, I had learnt everything I needed to learn. And now, I could only rest my full faith in Swamiji’s words.
As I stepped out, once again, Vandana stayed on, and had another conversation with Swamiji I would get to know about much later.
‘You want me to go with him?’ Vandana asked.
‘Yes. I do.’
‘As much as I would love to make this journey with him, I would still want to know why you want me to go with him.’
‘That is because I have a feeling that your inner peace lies somewhere on the way to the search of his inner peace. Sure, your destinations are different but your journeys have a big overlap.’
Key To My Inner Peace
It was the seventh of June which meant I had just spent a week at the Ashram.
We got up and decided to go for the morning yoga session, just to say bye to everyone for the final time. Even though I had been prepared, Vandana had been c
aught off guard as Swamiji had told her just one day before.
By the time the session ended, the taxi was already waiting outside. I was once again reminded of how popular Vandana was and how unknown I still was.
I thought of Navya. We were taking a train to Bhopal to look for her and I tried to think what I felt for her. Was it just friendship? Was I ready to be romantically inclined towards someone?
I had mixed feelings about this trip. I had never thought I would go looking for Navya, partially because I thought it was best to part ways with her and partially because I had no idea where she was in Bhopal.
All I knew about Navya was –
– She was in a college in Bhopal
– It was a Pharmacy college. I had faint recollection of the name. Something like Acropolo or something
– She was from Indore and that’s where her family was
I saw Vandana sitting beside me, enjoying her groundnuts. Her uniqueness as a person kept baffling me from the moment I saw her. She didn’t talk like most forty year olds. She didn’t dress up like them. She was more vibrant, mischievous and liked to get into trouble. Along with Swamiji, she became my confidant too and I still hadn’t gotten the chance to decrypt her. I don’t know whether she had begun to be less annoying or I had gotten used to her annoying ways. Anyway, we reached the station in an hour.
On seeing around, we thought of the promise we made to Swamiji. We got started with the job. We helped people find their platforms, pick their luggage, bought small packets to chips for the beggars, pushed the wheel chairs of old people. We kept at it until it was time for our train to leave. And we did it with a smile.
And exactly three minutes before the departure time of the train, Vandana and I met in front of our bogie. She was gasping for breath from the hard work, and took a breather standing close to the entrance before we entered the bogie.
And then it hit us. The high of helping people. This was the feeling Swamiji was talking about. This was what he wanted us to pursue when he told us to help people. As we stood there, Vandana turned around and went and picked a light fiction read from one of the book stalls at the Railway Station. I must have given her a judgemental look.