by Sachin Garg
‘Samar, you remember the last thing I told you? That you need to stop trying to be somebody else and embrace who you are. That is your problem. That’s what you need to do,’ he said. ‘And I am sure you still don’t have any idea of what I am talking about.’
I shook my head.
‘What is the saddest incident of your life?’ Swamiji asked. And I knew where he was headed at that moment itself.
‘Kanika’s death,’ I said, without any hesitation.
‘And when was the last time you talked to anyone about it?’
I thought about it.
A few lines that Navya had once said were coming to my mind. Nothing else described my feelings at that time better than them.
‘You know what’s the worst thing in the world?
You are amidst this crowd, swarm of people,
who think they connect with you,
every one of them, in their own way.
But in reality, you are being ripped apart,
Connecting with each one of them.
It is a constant struggle to connect with someone,
To be heard, to be understood, to be loved, to be accepted.
And it is done with a glimpse of hope,
That someone from these known and unknown faces,
Will hear you out, someone with a warm & genuine smile,
Will touch your heart.
And that’s precisely when, perhaps, you would say,
‘Yes, this is me.’
Swamiji was taken aback by my rant. I must have sounded like I was recalling these lines instead of blabbering whatever was coming to my mind.
‘You can’t run away from it for the rest of your life. You need to stop trying to be a guy who has had no set back and is completely normal. The truth is that you had a sad incident in your life and you need to accept that.’
‘I think I have handled it and that I am in love again, which is true, but I still can’t forget Kanika’s death.’
‘Lie down Samar. Get comfortable and close your eyes. I want you to be completely relaxed and surrender your thoughts to me. Your problems are very deeply ingrained in your head and I would have to delve deep inside to root them out.’
I stretched my arms and lied down in front of him. And waited for him to speak.
‘Why do you not let yourself think of Kanika, Samar? Why do shove her thoughts away? Did you fall in love with her on the condition that she will love you back? Or is it that you think you won’t be able to love another soul until you don’t stop thinking of her?’
‘I don’t know. All I know is . . . thinking of her makes me extremely, extremely uneasy and restless. It’s painful, very painful for me.’
‘But you would have to man up to this and embrace your past like you’ve embraced your present. You will have to accept what happened.’
‘It’s more complex than that. You were not there.’
‘I know what is complex, Samar. I wasn’t there but I know what happened. Do you know what is the biggest question in your head?’
‘What?’
‘That whether you were responsible for what happened or not. And the answer is obviously you were responsible. You were a weak lover if you believed that Kanika could kiss another guy. You were stubborn when she came all the way to meet you to Goa and you would just not give her chance to speak to you. You were coward when you ran away from her and you keep running away from things. That is not how life works Samar. You can’t keep messing up and keep running away from your mess. You need to accept the person you have been and live it through. Sure you can amend things that you don’t like about yourself now but gracefully accept the weaknesses of your past.’
My eyes were closed as I lay down on the floor. I was hearing every word coming out of his mouth, as images of my time with Kanika flashed in front of my eyes. Happy memories. Sad memories. It all came by. But I let my thoughts flow. I let every thought come to me which I had blocked out for so long now.
And with a heart heavier than it had ever been before, I let out the most gut wrenching cry that ever escaped my body.
Epilogue
The last Vandana spoke with her parents was years ago, when she attempted to call them up and tell them about her cancer.
‘Hello? Papaji?’ said a quivering Vandana.
‘Vandana? So you do remember that you have parents?’ he said, with an expected stern tone.
‘I’m sorry, Papa. How’s mummyji?
‘Leave her. Tell us about the boy because of whom you forgot us. Are you calling to tell us about how that khotta went away leaving you with two kids?’ asked Mr Manchanda, smugly and without a tinge of pity in this voice.
‘I haven’t married yet, Papa. And that is because I fell in love with a girl. With Divya,’ said Vandana, combating her father’s tone confidently now.
He stayed quiet for twenty seconds and then said, ‘Humaare marne pe bhi apni shakal mat dikhaana.’ (Don’t dare to show up even on my death). And with that, he hung up.
Vandana recollected this scene in the hospital, on her deathbed.
‘Of course there is a sharp increase in the unbearable heaviness of being,’ she said and laughed, thinking she cracked a funny joke, but, then, sobering, she said, ‘there is also a want to give up.’
She tried cracking another joke to lighten the strain in the room, ‘So there is another advantage with painful deaths, it’ll definitely be better the moment you leave the painful diseased body.’
She knew it a couple of days before her death that she was going to die. She said, laughingly, that she had seen it in movies that a person comes to know when they are dying. Like a few species of animals come to know beforehand about an earthquake. And two days’ later, she ratified it for us. She died.
It was difficult for Divya. She had re-discovered her true love after years. She was forever indebted to Vandana for showing her that kind of love.
Both her and Kanika’s death were not a painful memory for me now. I had learnt to accept past and appreciate life. It was beautiful while it lasted and I helped Divya understand this too.
Navya went through her eight weeks of therapy and rehab along with DJ Vyk and both of them came out clean. Post that, Navya went to Indore to meet her family. Things were bound to bridge between her and her father. And then, finally, she came to Delhi, to live with me. She started writing her second book. Every second of her smiling face was like a gift to me.
As for me, the day that I came out of the Ashram, I made the most important phone call of that period of my life. I called Mom. And everything felt complete.
COMING SOON
from
SACHIN GARG
WE NEED A
Other Book by the same author
Before Come On, Inner Peace happened, Samar and Kanika were a happy couple, which made every one jealous.
Read about their love in the prequel to this book
-Never Let Me Go.
Order your copy online or in a bookstore near you.
Sachin Garg is an entrepreneur, Founder of Grapevine India Publishers Pvt Ltd. He lives in Delhi but travels at every chance he gets. He is a graduate of Delhi College of Engineering and did his MBA from MDI Gurgaon.
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