Linda shook her head. “I haven’t checked the mailbox today.” She sighed. “I know they’re having a gut time in Pinecraft but I miss them so.”
Lavina walked over to hug her. “We all do. Every time I walk past the door to their dawdi haus I think they’ll be there.”
“I do, too.”
“Well, maybe there’ll be a postcard today. Or they’ll call. Listen, do you mind if I take some cookies for the ladies in the class?”
“Take as many as you want. There’s a loaf of pumpkin bread in the freezer, too. It’ll thaw in no time and you can slice it when you get there.”
Kate pulled into the driveway a short time later.
Lavina buttoned her jacket, picked up her purse and the tote with the baked goodies, and hurried out to the car.
“I’m so glad you could join us again.” Kate glanced over at Lavina. “I wasn’t sure if Carrie might have chased you away.”
“I enjoyed myself last week,” Lavina told Kate. “And I wonder if I could be pleasant to other people if I was going through what she is. I’ve never been without a home. Without my family.”
She turned to Kate. “We both know what she’s going through isn’t just an Englisch problem. It happens in my community, too, but the bishop often can work things out with the couple.” She paused. “Well, sometimes. We don’t believe in divorce.”
“And many women—Amish or Englisch—don’t think they can break out of the cycle of abuse.”
Kate turned into the driveway of the shelter, put the car in park, and turned off the ignition. “Well, let’s hope we have a quiet morning.” She shot Lavina a grin. “I pray for quiet everywhere. At work. At home. ”
Chuckling, she punched in the code on the front door. “I get less of it at home than anywhere. I have two kids,” she explained as she opened the door and waited for Lavina to precede her.
A little girl jumped up from in front of the television and ran to hide behind her mother on the sofa.
Kate stopped. “Sweetie, it’s okay.”
“Ellie, don’t be scared,” her mother soothed her. “We’re safe here. This is Kate. She came to help us the night Daddy was hurting me.” She looked up at Kate. “She’s still a little skittish.”
“I’m going upstairs to teach the ladies to sew,” Kate told Ellie. “You’re about five, right? I was around that age when I learned how to sew a dress for my doll. Do you want to come up and watch?”
Ellie stayed behind her mother.
“Maybe next time,” her mother said.
“You’re welcome to join us whenever you like. I think you’d both have fun. I started sewing with my mom when I wasn’t much older than Ellie.”
Kate and Lavina passed out the week’s block and walked round helping the women with it. When there was a lull in questions, Lavina sat down with a quilt block, threaded a needle and began sewing. She glanced over when Kate paused at the window and appeared to be looking at something downstairs in the front yard. Then Kate walked over to her and bent down.
“I have to go downstairs for a minute,” Kate said quietly in her ear.
Lavina looked up, saw the frown on Kate’s face. “Is everything okay?”
Kate nodded. “I’ll be right back.” She strode quickly from the room.
Women chatted, sewing machines whirred, and the sounds of children playing downstairs drifted up. It was a happy place, thought Lavina. Not just a safe one. She’d never really thought about it, but she supposed you had to feel safe to feel happy. She knew she was lucky that she’d never had to think about being safe . . . she’d always felt safe, cared for. Looked over by her parents but most of all by God.
She hoped these women would feel that way soon. Assured that no one needed her, Lavina excused herself and went in search of a restroom. As she came out she saw Kate and Carrie talking in the hallway. Carrie stood with her arms crossed over her chest and a mutinous expression on her face.
“I was just having a smoke,” she muttered.
Lavina, walking past her, could smell the acrid scent of cigarette smoke.
“You know the rules,” Kate said quietly.
“I was smoking outside. Not in the house.”
“You were smoking in front of the house. That’s not allowed.”
“So what’s the big deal?”
“Someone who knows you could drive past. We have to keep the location secret to keep everyone safe.”
Lavina hurried back to the sewing room so they wouldn’t think she was eavesdropping.
A few minutes later Kate returned to the room followed by a glowering Carrie, who slumped into an empty chair in front of a sewing machine.
“What’s the point of sewing a quilt?” she asked the room. “It’s not like I’m going to get a job sewing a quilt.” She gave Lavina a baleful look. “Maybe you can get a job doing that if you’re Amish but not if you’re American like me.”
Lavina wanted to say she was American, too, but she didn’t want to engage in an argument with the woman.
“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” Kate said calmly. “This is an entirely voluntary activity.”
Carrie expelled a gusty sigh as she picked up the fabric pieces for her block and pushed them around on the table the sewing machine rested on. “Got nothing better to do in this dump.”
Kate sat down at a nearby table and pulled a quilt from a tote. Lavina saw that it was composed of fabric in many patterns, all red, white, and blue. Kate glanced up and saw Lavina’s interest.
“I’m making a quilt for a friend of my husband who’s recovering in an Army hospital,” she said, spreading it out on the table before her. “Each month one of the quilting magazines features a special patriotic quilt to sew for men and women who serve in the military. Malcolm still has a lot of friends in the service, so I make one for them once in a while.”
Kate sighed. “I’m nearly finished with this one. It feels like it’s taken forever. I’ve only been able to work on it for short periods of time what with work and kids.”
She glanced over Lavina’s shoulder and tensed, then stood and slowly moved toward the doorway. Was there trouble again? Lavina wondered.
“Ellie? Ellie, where are you?” they heard a woman call up the stairs.
Kate appeared to relax immediately. She crouched down. “Ellie? Come on in, let’s have some fun sewing.”
The little girl walked into the room, wide-eyed, sucking her thumb. Kate held out her hand and after a moment Ellie took it.
Her mother appeared a few seconds later and stood in the doorway watching as Kate settled her daughter in a chair and gave her a colorful square of material.
“Hi, Mom, come join us,” Kate said easily. “We’re going to sew.”
***
David stood in the driveway and watched the van leave with his parents.
He’d offered to drive them to his dat’s chemotherapy appointment but he’d been brusquely turned down. Oh, his mamm had looked pleased at the suggestion when he made it at the breakfast table. She’d looked expectantly at Amos, but her smile had quickly faded when he shook his head vehemently and left the table.
David walked out onto the fields and felt at home for the first time since he’d moved back. He’d been barely able to walk when his dat first took him out into them one day. He’d watched his dat scoop up a handful of rich earth and let it drift through his fingers. David had dug his own pudgy hand into the earth and laughed at the feeling of it and wanted to stay there all day. His dat had showed him how to put seeds in the earth, and as the crops grew David had grown and never thought a day in the fields was anything but play.
He didn’t remember exactly when the two of them had begun disagreeing, when his father had turned sour and angry. His bad moods and dictatorial behavior wasn’t just directed at David, as much as he’d have taken on the full brunt of it to save his bruders. It wasn’t just his sohns who endured such. As he grew older he saw how his mudder flinched at the harshness in her mann’s voice, how
her shoulders slumped.
David knew a man was supposed to be the head of his home, but he didn’t believe God ever meant for a mann to treat his fraa and family with anything but love and guidance.
Walking the fields, David wondered what would be planted this spring. He seriously doubted his dat would be able to do the work, but going by past behavior he would undoubtedly insist on dictating what would be planted in what field and exactly how and when to do it.
David had some ideas about what he’d like to see planted. But he doubted his dat would be interested in hearing them. Whenever he’d tried in the past they’d been dismissed as “new-fangled” and “not the way we’ve always done things.”
With a sigh he turned to walk back to the house. He had to head into work soon. His boss had agreed to a part-time schedule until David figured out what to do. He’d started to resign, but his boss had told him he was one of his hardest-working employees and pressed him about why he wanted to leave. So he’d explained and David had had to agree that until planting season came he might have time on his hands. If he needed time off to drive his father to chemotherapy and so on, all he had to do was ask for the time off and he’d get it.
Not that he’d needed it today after all. Stubborn old man. He’d rather pay an Englisch driver to take him to the hospital than let his son drive him.
A horn honked. David looked out the road in front of the house and saw a familiar beat up white car pull into the drive. The car stopped, but the engine didn’t. It coughed and wheezed and finally rattled to a stop.
David grinned at his bruder Sam. “Surprised this thing is still running.”
“Hey, don’t knock it. Sally here’s paid off.” He looked at the house. “Thought you said you’d be taking Daed to chemo today.”
“He didn’t want me to.”
“Why do you bother?”
David shrugged. “I told Mamm I’d come back to help, and that’s what I’m trying to do.”
“And what if he doesn’t let you?”
David kicked at the gravel beneath his feet. “I guess I’ll deal with that when I have to.”
He looked out at the fields, remembering how he’d wondered what he’d be planting in the spring, wondering if his dat would allow him to make some changes . . . he swung his gaze back to his bruder. The three bruders looked much alike, born just a little over a year apart.
“So what are you doing here?” he asked Sam.
“Just happened to be in the neighborhood,” he said casually, resting his arm on the car window.
“Oh yeah?”
“I drive through the old neighborhood occasionally,” Sam finally admitted. “Don’t try to tell me you didn’t do it sometimes, too.”
He had. “Well, I have to get to work. My boss gave me the day off to drive Daed to the hospital, but since I don’t have to I may as well go on in. Speaking of work, what are you doing away from it in the middle of the morning?”
“Running a couple of errands for the boss.” He turned on the ignition.
David put his hand on his bruder’s arm. “Sam? What about coming by later for supper?”
Sam scowled at him. “No. And don’t try to give me a guilt trip. I’m out of here.” He threw the car in reverse and backed out so quickly gravel spurted up from his tires.
Sighing, David watched Sam drive away. Apparently guilt worked only on him. Or perhaps it was that he wasn’t as gut at it as their mamm. So what he needed to do was get the two of them together and she could work on him.
He frowned as he remembered the way Sam talked. He sounded more Englisch than the last time they’d talked. He wondered if his bruders would stay in the Englisch world or return to their Amish roots . . .
What a chain of events he’d set off when he’d left here. First one bruder had left home, then another. Within a year there were no sohns in the Zook house, only Amos and Waneta. No arguments. No help with the chores.
How David wished things had been different.
Now his dat was fighting the battle of his life. Who knew if he’d survive? It was like people said. You never knew how long you might have someone in your life so it was best to try to get along.
But he’d tried so hard. Honestly, he didn’t know what else he could have done. If only he could have stayed silent, bent to his dat’s will.
Guilt weighed heavy on his shoulders as he walked back into the house.
6
Lavina was driving home in the family buggy when she spotted a man dressed in Amish clothing trudging down the road ahead of her. His shoulders were slumped and his steps were slow, as if he was old and tired.
But when she pulled even with him she saw that it was David. He glanced up as she called his name.
“Can I give you a ride?”
He stared at her for a long moment, then glanced back, checking for traffic. “Danki.”
They rode in silence for a few minutes. “Where’s the pickup?”
“Back at the house. I needed to walk for a while.”
He’d said house not home. “How is your dat?”
“He’s at the hospital right now having chemo.” He stared out the window. “He wouldn’t let me drive him. I asked.”
“I’m sorry, I really am.”
He glanced at her, then away. “I know. Danki.”
This time she didn’t jump in and fill the silence. She waited. Sometimes people needed a listening ear. A listening heart.
They passed his house and if he noticed he didn’t say anything. Whatever was troubling him ran deep. He’d hurt her deeply, but she didn’t like to see anyone in pain. He obviously needed a friend.
A few minutes later he roused himself. “I’m sorry. We went past my place. Why didn’t you stop?”
She bit her lip. “You seemed distracted. Like you didn’t want to go in.”
He sighed. “I don’t, but that’s not your problem. You must need to get home.”
“In a bit. Do you want me to turn around and take you home? Or is there someplace else I can take you?”
“I don’t have any friends here.”
“You have friends.”
“Not any more. I didn’t keep in touch with anyone here in the community.”
“No one?” She’d thought he’d just avoided her and his parents.
He shook his head, his expression bleak. “My bruders and I didn’t live together, but without the tension from our dat and being strangers in the Englisch community we got closer. But they won’t come back. Neither of them. Nothing I’ve said to them will change their minds.” He glanced at her. “Maybe I should get you to talk to them.”
She tried to smile. “Maybe it wasn’t a good thing that I talked to you about it. I’ve never seen you so unhappy.”
“It’s allrecht,” he said with a big sigh. “You didn’t twist my arm.”
“Nee?”
“Nee.”
She pulled into his driveway, but he didn’t get out immediately. A brisk wind swirled down the road, sending a rainfall of golden leaves showering down. The trees were nearly bare now. Fall was turning into winter.
“I don’t blame you, Lavina. Honestly. It’s my fault. I knew it wouldn’t be easy.” He grimaced. “An Englisch friend of mine said you can’t go home again.”
“What?”
“It had to do with some book he read.” He told her what Bill had said about the book. “He’s a gut guy, but I don’t always understand what he’s talking about.”
He took a deep breath. “Anyway, danki. I appreciated the ride and you listening. I didn’t deserve it after the way I treated you.”
Lavina studied him. She remembered how she’d flung angry words at him, telling him that he’d broken her heart when he’d left and remembered how he’d said he’d broken his own heart. She’d hurt for more than a year and no matter how sorry she might know he felt now, she didn’t know if she was ready to forgive him.
If she could ever forgive him.
He stepped out of the b
uggy, then turned back to look at her. “Be careful driving home. It’s getting dark and you know how drivers can be.”
“I’ll be careful. It’s not far. David?”
“Ya?”
“Don’t get discouraged.” She remembered what Leah had said to her that day in the shop. “Remember, ‘we live by faith, not by sight.’ Things will get better.”
“I hope you’re right.” He looked toward the road. “I think that’s Mamm and Daed coming home now.”
“Then I’d better go so they can pull in. Be well, David.”
“You, too, Lavina.”
Their eyes met and she felt the warmth and regret in them as he stepped back so she could drive away.
As she headed for home Lavina glanced back and saw that it was indeed Amos and Waneta getting out of the van. David held out his hand to help his dat, and the older man ignored him.
Feeling sad, she turned her attention to the road. When she got to her own driveway, she saw her father closing the door to the barn. He smiled when he saw her and walked over to help unhitch the buggy. Before he could do so she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him.
He hugged her in return, but when she continued to hold on to him, he pulled back a little and studied her face. “Kind, what is it? Are you allrecht?”
“Ya,” she said, dropping her arms. “I was just thinking that I don’t let you know often enough how much I love and appreciate you.”
“Schur you do. What brought this on?”
“l just came from David’s house. Daed, his dat is so unpleasant to him. Always has been.”
“I know. You’ve told me through the years.”
Together they unhitched the horse from the buggy. Lavina led Daisy into her stall while her dat stored the buggy.
“You go on in the house and I’ll finish,” he told her, measuring out Daisy’s feed.
“You’re just in time,” her mudder said as she walked into the kitchen.
Lavina walked over and kissed her mudder on the cheek before she shed her jacket and bonnet and hung them on pegs near the door.
“I would have been home earlier, but I saw David walking on the road, and I gave him a ride home.”
“Did his truck break down?”
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