by Patrice Lyle
Winnie pressed her lips together for a second and then burst out crying.
My heart broke for her, and I ushered her into a nearby chair. "It's all right. Don't let that horrible woman get to you."
"I try not to, but she's so mean. She cuts down my self-esteem to nothing, and for being such a renowned doctor, she can't help me get rid of this humongous wart."
Times like these called for a dose of my Karmic Law of Caloric Subtraction philosophy. Turn a calorie consumed into a calorie burned. Trouble was how did I apply that to a wart?
I sat down in a nearby chair and secured Brownie's leash around my ankle, careful not to dislodge one of the silver sequins from my sandal. "Dr. J's a mean woman, but you have to look on the bright side."
Winnie flashed me a look that said, and that would be?
Think, Piper. The sad look on her face made me want to cry. "It's possible Dr. J can't get rid of the wart because she may be treating the symptom. But now you've met me, and I can help you eliminate the cause."
Winnie retrieved a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose. "How do I do that?"
"I think most warts are viral in nature, so boosting the immune system is critical."
"How does that work?"
"By following a good wellness program. One critical element is stress reduction because stress taxes the immune system." I didn't want to add, however, that Dr. J undoubtedly was a huge part of Winnie's stress.
But Winnie must have figured it out.
"Stress can cause skin problems?" she inquired. "Like job-related stress?"
I nodded. "Any stress can wear you down, which is why I jokingly say kill the stress, kill the symptom."
Winnie pulled out a fresh tissue and blotted her eyes. Then she cocked her head sideways and drew her finger to her chin. "You're saying if I were to kill my main stressor then this hideous wart would go away?"
The bluntness of her comment startled me. "No, not literally. I'm speaking figuratively about stress in general."
Winnie smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I'd do anything to get rid of this wart. I'd do anything to never be called Wartnie again."
I wasn't sure what to say. Although I understood her feelings, her remark unnerved me. Probably because of my PMS.
Post-murder stress.
When Aunt Alfa had been the main suspect in a murder case a couple of months ago, I'd barely ended up solving the crime with a handy set of How to Be a PI flash cards.
I shivered and hoped I'd never have to look at those darn flash cards again.
CHAPTER TWO
Attack of the Geriatric Ninja
Several hours later, the guests had arrived for the party. Dr. J had finished primping. And I'd arranged the stuff for the demonstration—including the bejeweled Carat Cream jar—on a vanity that had been set up for Dr. J. The chocolate and champagne were flowing, along with the Carat Cream gift bags. The only thing we were waiting for was the camera crew from CSN.
Apparently the network had decided to film a reality TV show about Dr. J's life. I wondered what kind of ratings she'd get. I typed out a quick message to Tattoo Tex from a chair in the corner of the conference room. Hopefully it would send because my reception was poor.
"Hey, Pipe. Where do you want the dark chocolate babka?" Aunt Alfa held up a china platter from the hotel. "The local bakery just delivered it."
"One sec." I quickly finished typing my text. It read, Can't wait to see you. The flowers are gorgeous! Drive safe! xoxo I slid my cell phone into the pocket of my pink sequined dress and looked at Aunt Alfa. "How about over on the round table next to Xavier?"
Aunt Alfa scrunched her face. "Who's Zaveer?"
I smiled and took the platter from her. "I'll take care of it. Why don't you let people know we'll get started as soon as the camera crew arrives?"
"Sure thing. I wonder if the front desk has a bullhorn."
I cringed. "Never mind, Aunt Alfa. Would you mind opening the sliding glass doors to let some fresh air in?"
"I'm on it."
Relieved, I threaded my way through the small crowd toward the hairstylist I'd just met. Xavier was bubblier than Perrier and way more colorful.
"Hi, Xavier."
"Call me X, lover doll. Good to see you again." He enveloped me into a sexy-male-cologne-scented, European, double-cheeked air-kiss. "I can't wait to see if the Carat Cream really blasts off more layers than dynamite."
I laughed as I set the dessert on the table. The gooey dark chocolate beckoned me, but I didn't want to scarf a chunk before my presentation and get any more chocolate spots on myself. Dr. J would be sure to point that out, especially on camera.
"Carat Cream's the best exfoliator I've used." Even though I was officially part of a couple (and thrilled to be), I didn't mind gazing at Xavier. He wore a gray designer suit with a cobalt blue shirt that almost matched his eyes, and his ebony hair fell in waves against his neck.
But he did have one huge problem.
Xavier kept staring at my hair. Twice now, he'd given me the kind of narrow-eyed, pressed-lipped look that, when coming from a hairstylist, meant one of two things. He either loved my salon-induced blonde, beachy tresses (and was in awe of my current stylist) or he thought my hair was so hideous that he was about to stroke out.
Hopefully he had a raging case of hair love.
Xavier shifted his gaze from my mop to my face. "I can't wait to try the Carat Cream. If I love it, I'll recommend it to all my clients."
"Thanks, Xavier. I appreciate it." I remembered his bio from Sparkle O's invitation paperwork and the fact that he owned a highly successful salon in DC.
"DMSO was a smart idea for the base of the Carat Cream," he said. "There's nothing like DMSO to get nutrients into the skin quickly."
A man who'd done his homework. Impressive. "I agree."
"So," he said, his eyes shining with a conspiratorial glow. "Do I get a full-sized jar to take home like Dr. J has?" He tilted his head toward Dr. J's vanity.
"Sorry, the company only sent a full-size one for her." The rhinestoned J twinkled on the lid beneath the conference room lights. "But you'll get a lovely silver gift bag filled with samples."
Xavier's face tightened as his gaze lifted toward my hair again. "That figures. Dr. J probably told the company not to send any full sizes for anyone but her. Freaking cheapskate."
A tiny stab of irritation hit me, and I tilted my head. "Sparkle O's not a cheap company. Like any business, they have policies about doling out full-sized samples." They'd go under by giving out tons of full-sized products at launch events, and then where would I buy my sparkly mineral makeup and organic skincare?
He laughed. "Sorry, love. I wasn't talking about the company. I was referring to Dr. J. If she were a medical tool, she'd be a razor sharp scalpel. The kind used for slicing up people's hearts."
Clearly Winnie wasn't the only member of the Dr. J Hater Fan Club. Ever the nosy girl, I had to inquire. "Why do you say that?"
"I'm sure you'll see the good doctor in action before this weekend's over. In fact," Xavier said as he pointed behind me, "there's her assistant, Winnie, now. She caters to Dr. J's every whim, yet Dr. J treats the poor girl terribly."
No arguments there.
I turned around and saw Winnie slowly approach Dr. J with what appeared to be a glass bottle of water. Dr. J stood with one hand on her hip while she talked on her cell phone. Winnie took a measured breath before she tapped her boss's shoulder.
Dr. J whirled around with the phone still clutched to her ear. "Can't you see I'm on the phone, Winnie? How dare you interrupt me?"
Winnie lifted the bottle in a here you go manner. Dr. J scowled and flung her arm at Winnie, scolding her for the interruption. Poor Winnie's eyes widened as she scanned the perimeter. A table stood beside Dr. J so Winnie placed the bottle on a coaster and scurried away.
"Winnie!" Xavier waved his hand in an overt gesture. "Over here, love."
Winnie spotted the bubbly stylist and hu
rried over. "Long time no see, Xavier. You made it to the island."
"The Carat Cream sounds good, and I didn't want to miss seeing your boss blast off layers of dead skin cells." Xavier chuckled and then set his hand on Winnie's arm. A serious look crossed his face. "Is everything okay, love? Things look a little tense in Dr. J Land."
Winnie clutched her hands and studied them for a moment. "Business as usual." Then she lifted her gaze and noticed me. "Hi, Dr. Piper." The misery in her eyes made me sad.
I smiled and decided to mention a source of happiness for the poor girl. "Brownie sure enjoyed meeting you."
Winnie's lips rose into a tiny grin. Success!
"I love him. He's the cutest little creature." Winnie retrieved her cell phone from the black purse that was looped around her neck. She tapped the screen and angled it toward Xavier. "Look. Dr. Piper has a potbellied pig named Brownie."
Xavier's manicured eyebrows arched for a lingering moment. "How positively darling, love." His high-pitched tone implied he wasn't quite smitten, however.
That didn't deter Winnie though. "He's soooo cute! He rolled over—"
But Winnie's piglet adoration was interrupted by her boss's booming voice.
"I didn't want Pellegrino, Winnie. Are you seriously so dumb that you don't know what I like?" Dr. J's tone was sharper than the razor scalpel Xavier had mentioned earlier. "I want Perrier, and I want it now."
Red splotches rose from Winnie's neck up to her cheeks as she fumbled with her cell phone. Several partygoers stepped aside as Dr. J strode past the baskets of decadent chocolate toward Winnie. Dr. J halted beside her assistant and snatched away her phone.
Dr. J wrinkled her nose as she peered at Brownie's picture. "For heaven's sake. You and that blasted pig named Brownie. What a dumb name."
"I think it's a cute name." Winnie's reply surprised me.
It must have surprised Dr. J too because her face scrunched into a pink mask of fury as she pressed the phone back into Winnie's hand. "The best place for that disgusting little beast is on the buffet table as a Christmas ham."
Anger rose in my chest, but I told myself not to react in front of a room full of people. Despite the heinous anti-piglet comment, I needed to remain professional. Unfortunately, not everyone shared my sentiment.
"Did you just call Brownie a Christmas ham?" Aunt Alfa asked in a terse tone.
Darn her good hearing at age 91.
Aunt Alfa sidled beside me with flames in her teal-lined eyes and a karate chop in her stance.
"Aunt Alfa, I'm sure Dr. J didn't mean it." That was a lie, but Aunt Alfa loved Brownie more than her essential oil collection, and I didn't want her to turn the Carat Cream party into a kung fu event.
"Stand back, Pipe. Let me handle this. First she insults you and now Brownie?" Aunt Alfa rolled up her sleeves and crouched into a geriatric ninja pose. Her skinny legs were bowed, and her arms were flexed. "I'm going to teach this good-for-nothing ho bag a lesson."
Dr. J sneered as she placed her hands on her hips. "Who are you calling a ho bag, you stupid old bat?"
"Ooh, a bat fight." Xavier stepped back from the looming brawl and cupped his cheek. "This ought to be good, love."
"There's not going to be any fight." I spoke in my reassuring doctor's voice.
But before I could talk some sense into Aunt Alfa, she let out a loud hiya and attempted to karate chop Dr. J's shoulder with the edge of her palm. Luckily, Dr. J jerked aside and missed the blow. Murmurs erupted from the crowd, along with a few cheers. Someone with a British accent bellowed, "Go, Granny, go!"
Holy cocoa beans! Aunt Alfa didn't need any encouragement.
"You horrible old bat!" Dr. J wobbled, but righted herself before falling onto the floor. Then she narrowed her eyes and glared at Winnie. "Don't just stand there. You're my assistant. Do something!"
Winnie's eyes widened. "What do you want me to do?"
"Take a punch for me, you idiot," Dr. J said. "Duh."
"Come on, you ho bag. Let's see you insult Brownie now." Aunt Alfa flung another karate chop, but Dr. J ducked and threw a punch at Aunt Alfa.
My pulse spiked. How dare you try to hurt my auntie!
Aunt Alfa crouched, dodging the blow. "You fight like a girl. I've been trained in the ways of the ninja warrior. No one can outmaneuver me."
Xavier grinned and let out a loud hiss.
"Do something, Wartnie." Dr. J's venomous voice boomed loud enough for everyone in the continental US to hear.
Winnie's eyes welled up, and she ran out of the room. The shock of what I was witnessing made my legs feel like they'd been karate chopped. But I had to take charge and get Aunt Alfa out of harm's way.
I stepped in front of my aunt and grasped her shoulders. "Let's take a walk and calm down, okay? We could even get you some of your lavender essential oil spray."
"No need for that, Dr. Piper," Dr. J said. "I'm going to go call hotel security."
"Why? You started the whole thing and tried to attack me." Aunt Alfa wrapped her arms around herself and assumed her best sweet little old lady pose.
I spun around to face Dr. J. "I apologize for my aunt's behavior. She's gets a little passionate about Brownie."
"Apology not accepted. The only reason I'm going to continue with the Carat Cream event tonight is because of my reality TV show," Dr. J said as she straightened her burrito-like French twist. "Viewers love a good fight, so we'll need to reenact the brawl later, but I'll have to win, of course."
What? Words eluded me as Dr. J strode toward her vanity. She sat down and admired herself in the mirror, oblivious to the points and stares of the partygoers.
"Over my dead body will I let her win any kind of brawl." Aunt Alfa shot a menacing glare at Dr. J.
"I don't blame you, love."
I shot Xavier a please don't encourage her look and then addressed my auntie. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine, Pipe." Aunt Alfa smoothed her velour pantsuit and tightened a loose curler. "I feel alive and vibrant. A karate chop's good for the soul."
"Dark chocolate's good for the soul." And a certain handsome cowboy. Where was he anyway? I glanced at my cell phone and noticed my last text to him hadn't gone through. Only one reception bar showed. "Aunt Alfa, can you promise not to karate chop anyone for a minute while I step out and see if I get more connectivity in the hallway?"
And maybe calm my pulse down too.
"No problem, Pipe. I'll see if anyone needs anything."
"I need a ninja grandma like you, love." Xavier's sparkly-eyed grin showed his admiration. "You're amazing."
Aunt Alfa laughed. "I go to a great dojo at home."
Xavier and Aunt Alfa chatted about the wonders of karate, and I stepped into the hallway. I leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. Aunt Alfa Crisis averted, yet again. It was interesting that the crowd had cheered when my auntie tried to karate chop Dr. J. And no one had rushed to protect the good doctor. Sad, really.
I glanced at my phone and hit the send button again. The tiny blue line that slid across the screen confirmed my message was being delivered. Yes! I couldn't wait to see Tex. I closed my eyes and envisioned hugging him. Images of my tall cowboy ran through my mind and calmed my racing heart.
Who needed yoga Zen when I had Texan Zen?
A man cleared his throat nearby, interrupting my Tex meditation. How annoying. I opened my eyes and saw a distinguished-looking man in a black suit with a head of sea-salt-and-cracked-pepper hair walking past me while talking on his cell phone.
"She tried to destroy me, and that's all you can say?" His clipped British accent sounded perturbed.
I tried to resume my Texan Zen daydream, but the Brit was making it impossible.
"I want that bloody woman out of my life, no matter how it has to happen. You have any ideas?" His voice rose as he raked a hand through his hair. His eyes narrowed as he listened to whatever the caller suggested. "Oh, please. Over my dead body."
I let out a sigh and walked b
ack into the party. I'd been excited for the Carat Cream party earlier, but my enthusiasm had been diminished somewhere between the karate chops and dead body comments.
CHAPTER THREE
Lights, Camera, Murder!
The room had returned to normal when I walked back in. People were mingling, scarfing chocolate, and sipping champagne. Just as soon as the camera crew arrived, I'd make sure to get the proverbial show on the road. I popped a dark-chocolate-covered cashew in my mouth, and a sense of relief washed over me.
"Your aunt's awesome, love," Xavier said as he joined me near a chocolate station.
I smiled. "She sometimes sends my blood pressure through the roof, but I couldn't live without her." I was about to ask him if he had any ninja elders in his life when someone yelled out a startling announcement.
"Hey everyone! There's a naked surfer doing cartwheels outside!"
What an image that presented. I turned to see a woman with long black hair gesturing frantically at the balcony. Her white jacket displayed a nametag that read Dr. Sylvia. She'd arrived about an hour ago and kept quiet until now.
"A naked surfer!" Xavier elbowed me in the side. "A dream come true!"
Xavier scurried toward the sliding doors, apparently intent on being the first one outside. He wasn't banking on Aunt Alfa, however. In one fast streak, my tiny auntie shot across the room and catapulted past the others.
"Look, everyone! His jewels are flopping all over the place." The loudness of Aunt Alfa's message was almost more alarming than the message itself.
Everyone cleared the room except for a pretty woman with auburn hair named Loretta. I remembered she had recently won America's Top Esthetician. Her glowing skin was proof of her profession. She wore a fitted green dress and stared intently at her cell phone.
I wondered why she wasn't drawn to the naked surfer.
"You don't care to join the circus outside?" Not that it was any of my business, but hey, I'm nosy. "I stayed to guard the goods."
Loretta lifted her gaze from her phone. "I don't have any interest in such silliness, and I need to call my travel agent about my trip to Hong Kong."