by Patrice Lyle
"Dr. Sylvia made the announcement, which cleared the room. Was that a deliberate diversion?" A question came to mind, and I swung my gaze toward Aunt Alfa. "Do you recall if Dr. Sylvia stayed outside the whole time the naked surfer was performing his acrobatics?"
Aunt Alfa shrugged. "I was too busy shooting the video. But if she was, that doesn't mean she's not in cahoots with someone."
Tattoo Tex rose with my adorable piglet cradled in his chiseled arms. Brownie, clearly in hog heaven, pressed his little eyelids shut. How lucky was I? I had a hot guy and a cute piglet.
"Sylvia could be in on the murder thar but not have done the dirty work herself."
"True." I pointed to the PI flash cards. "May I?"
Aunt Alfa handed me the stack. "Time to catch another killer."
"We definitely need to investigate," Tattoo Tex said. "I can't have anyone harming my sparkly doc."
I smiled as I sorted through the cards. "I'm sure the killer wasn't after me, but you never know. Plus there's a chance Detective Franks might consider Aunt Alfa a suspect because of the karate chop, and her fingerprints are all over Dr. J's Carat Cream jar."
"That darn glue gun," Aunt Alfa said. "I should have kicked that contraption to the curb like I did my last boyfriend." Then she looked at Tattoo Tex. "No offense to the male species, Tex."
Tattoo Tex didn't react. He's smart and hot.
I selected a familiar card and read aloud. "Consider the murder trifecta. Motive, means, and opportunity."
Then it hit me.
"Loretta had the means. She lingered in the room when everyone else was on the balcony." I scanned the flash card again. Yes! "She claimed she had to call her travel agent about a trip to Hong Kong. But I left the room to send Tattoo Tex a message."
"Giving her enough time to poison the Carat Cream." Aunt Alfa dug for another kernel of popcorn and tossed it in her mouth.
"It'd be a good idear to talk to Xavier and Loretta, but think we could look at the surprises first?" Tattoo Tex shot me a super cute smile.
My heart warmed. "Sure, the murderer can wait ten minutes."
Aunt Alfa laughed. "No one's going anywhere for twenty-four hours anyway. The ferry's shut down until tomorrow, so let's watch Pipe open her surprises."
I looked at my auntie and then Tex. "You guys didn't have to get me presents for the Carat Cream launch." But it was fantastically sweet, and what girl didn't love gifts?
"I reckon a big party deserves something."
"Me too, Pipe."
"Thank you both. That means a lot."
Tattoo Tex placed Brownie on his Batman cushion and walked into the bathroom, returning with a dark green duffel bag. "Close your eyes, Doc."
I did as instructed, and my heart pounded. What if Tattoo Tex was going to propose? Would he do so in front of Aunt Alfa and Brownie? Probably.
But more importantly, how would I answer?
My hands trembled while I considered the idea. An image came to mind. I wore a white sequined gown with matching sequined sandals as I strolled down a flower-filled aisle, with Brownie in tow, headed toward Tattoo Tex, who wore a tux and black cowboy hat. Wowza!
The answer was yes.
"Open your eyes, Doc."
I focused my gaze on two shoeboxes (one pink and one ivory) and a small brown paper bag. No ring box in sight, but I bet Tattoo Tex would hide it. "Which one should I open first?"
He selected the pink shoebox and handed it to me. "This one's from your aunt."
I plucked the lid off and gasped. It wasn't a ring, obviously, but the surprise was just as gorgeous. I stared at the hot pink sequined sandals that I'd drooled over on Zappos, but hadn't bought because they were pricey. "They're beautiful! Thanks, Aunt Alfa!"
She grinned like the Cheshire cat again. "I'm glad I could get them for you. And forget about Zappos, Pipe. Zippos is cheaper. I saved 73 bucks, and they have free shipping in Dallas because they're based there."
Tattoo Tex nodded. "The shoes were delivered personally by car. Some dude in a beat up van threw the box at my place as he drove by."
No UPS? I furrowed my brows. Then I glanced at the shoes. Zippos, Zappos. Who cared? I picked up one of the sandals and slipped it onto my left foot. Shimmering perfection. "They're to die for!" Then I went to slip on the right shoe.
But it didn't fit. What was going on? I picked up the box. Size seven narrow. I glanced at the sandal in my hand. Also a seven narrow. Then I realized the problem.
It was also a left.
"They sent two lefts." I reached for the invoice in the box. There wasn't one. "Where's the receipt?"
Tattoo Tex shrugged as he pointed at the box. "That's all they sent."
"Let me pull Zippos up online so we can call customer service. I'm sure they'll send us a right sandal right away." Aunt Alfa laughed at her joke. Then she tapped her phone screen and scrunched her face. "Those suckers are gone." She showed us her phone.
A white screen of website death stared at us.
Aunt Alfa pursed her lips. "Their site's been removed. What a bunch of scammers."
I grabbed my phone and pulled up Zappos. A few taps later, I had the pink sequin sandals on the screen.
Then I lost it.
"They're sold out of seven narrows!" I'd fantasized about these shoes. They were the perfect match to a hot pink sequined skirt I'd recently bought on sale.
What a nightmare. A totally hideous unimaginable horror.
"Don't worry, Doc." Tattoo Tex picked up the bigger ivory shoebox and handed it to me with a proud grin. "Texan Cowboy to the rescue."
All thoughts of a diamond ring were gone. Had he also bought me a pair of pink sequin sandals? But from Zappos, not Zippos?
I ripped off the lid and froze.
Oh, for the love of dark chocolate mousse.
The man who I loved more than dark chocolate and sparkly makeup combined (a huge feat!) had bought me the one pair of shoes I didn't love. But I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Did I?
I stared at a pair of hot pink cowboy boots—a right and a left—studded with a gazillion rhinestones. I couldn't decide if I loved him for buying me a pair of bling cowboy boots, or if I hated him for buying me a pair of bling cowboy boots.
"You okay, Doc?"
The hopeful gleam in his eyes softened me. I turned toward him and dotted a kiss on his lips. Then I told him the first lie of our relationship.
"Thanks, Tex. I love them."
"Phew." He beamed and wiped his brow. "Glad that turned out all right. I was worried thar. Thought you'd hate the boots."
Tattoo Tex knew me too well. But I could fake it with the best of them.
I flashed him a grin. "I love the boots. They're beautiful."
He lifted them from the box. "Put 'em on, Doc."
Holy chocolate schnitzel! I can't wear these hideous boots. Not even for show!
"Yeah. Put 'em on, Pipe. I want to see you in a pair of dung kickers."
I cringed. What had my life had come to? Strolling around in a pair of bling dung kickers?
Both of their faces looked so excited that I begrudgingly kicked off my silver sequined sandals and slipped on the boots. Tattoo Tex and Aunt Alfa oohed and awed while I tried not to freak out. I'd become my own worst nightmare.
A frizzy haired blonde in a pair of dung kickers.
Oh, that reminded me. "Tex, did you get my Outfrizz? Mine's gone."
"I did better than that." He picked up the small brown bag and presented it to me like it was a surprise gift of Swiss dark chocolate truffles dusted with raw cacao powder (one of my favorite treats that was a splurge due to the price). "I got three bottles of Frizz Out for the price of one bottle of Outfrizz from Zippos."
My heart nearly stopped. "What?"
Tattoo Tex wrinkled his nose. "You always say you like a good deal, so I reckoned you'd like this one."
"I only like good deals on quality products." My heart pounded as I took the bag from him. I could hardly bea
r to look inside. I needed my Outfrizz. It was the only product that tamed my finger-in-a-light-socket locks.
I inhaled and slowly peered inside the brown paper.
Of, for the love of dark chocolate coconut ice cream!
I pulled out one bottle and scanned the ingredients. Mineral oil. Parfum. Wax. Sub-par stuff to the max. I'd experimented with many hair products in my life, and I already knew this wasn't going to work. Tomorrow I'd have to scour Annabelle Island for a bottle of Outfrizz, otherwise my hair was going to look like a cross between Medusa and a lightning strike victim. And then Tattoo Tex would be the one surprised.
I prayed to the dark chocolate heavens I'd find a bottle somewhere.
I set the Frizz Out back in the bag and took a deep breath. I didn't want to insult Tex by telling him I despised the new hair product.
"Will that thar work?"
I feigned a happy smile. "Um, maybe. But I think I'll probably have to look for some Outfrizz tomorrow."
My cell phone dinged with a new message. I glanced at the screen and shook my head when I read the text.
Spirit guide say killer will have good reason to murder you and your dung beetle nest if you don't fix soon, Dr. Piper.
Yep, Mystic Ming was back.
* * *
The hallway was deserted when Tattoo Tex and I headed toward Xavier's room. Aunt Alfa had obtained Xavier's room number from the front desk and had sent us on our way saying she had a call to make. She'd assured us she'd be safe, armed with her wheatgrass juicer that could double as a weapon, to protect herself and Brownie. Plus, she promised to keep the door locked, not opening it for anyone under any circumstance.
"You think this Xavier dude would be stupid enough to talk about DMSO if he was the killer?" Tattoo Tex strode beside me down the blue-carpeted hallway past a row of beach-themed pictures depicting life on Annabelle Island.
The sunsets, seashells, and shore birds made for a pleasant display.
I shrugged. "What if he said it purposefully to deflect suspicion from himself?"
What was more suspicious, however, was Aunt Alfa refusing to divulge information about her phone call. "Aw, it's nothing, Pipe," she'd said. But something told me that wasn't true.
"Don't you think it's odd that Aunt Alfa wouldn't say who she was calling?"
"Nothing surprises me with your aunt. She's an atomic fireball."
I laughed. "That's an understatement. Maybe she doesn't want to admit she didn't cancel her Granny Panties account?"
"I reckon that's most likely the reason for keeping her mouth sealed shut like a clam." Tattoo Tex stopped outside of a blue door with a gold placard that read Room 231. "We're here."
I lifted my hand. "This ought to be interesting. Xavier was friendly earlier tonight before Dr. J died." We'll see how he acts now.
I rapped on the door. Seconds later, the door swung open and a blast of frigid air smacked me in the face. "Brr."
"I've got the AC cranked. I hate the heat." Xavier's sharp suit was gone, replaced by a fitted neon green top and a pair of black spandex biking shorts decorated with red X's. Gold lettering near the groin spelled out, X marks the spot.
I flashed him a half-smile. "Do you have a few minutes?"
Xavier furrowed his brows as he stared at my hair again. Oh, for the love of dark chocolate cream pie. If my hair appalls him now, just wait until he sees me without a handful of my trusty Outfrizz.
"I suppose I can talk for a minute." Xavier's reaction was far from hospitable as he leaned against the doorframe without inviting us in. "I'm expecting a call from Belize so when my phone rings, I'll have to excuse myself."
"Belize? I hear the snorkeling's great thar."
Xavier wrinkled his nose. "My interest in Belize has nothing to do with water sports. My significant other lives there now."
The way his voice turned to ice when he said the word now made the frizzy curls on the back of my neck tingle. Could that be a clue?
A good PI had to follow up.
"Did your significant other recently move?"
"Yes." Xavier's lips pressed together signaling the end of the conversation. His unwavering gaze held mine, almost daring me to press on.
I didn't have to, however, because Tattoo Tex piped up.
"Does your significant other like to snorkel thar?"
Xavier shook his head. "This is kind of a sore subject with me. Sorry."
"No worries." I was eager to befriend Xavier to gather information about his significant other's relocation to Belize. "Do you mind if I ask you something?"
Xavier eyed my beachy hairdo and smiled. "Come to my salon in DC, love, and I'd be happy to give you a thorough makeover. I'll blow out those wild locks."
Makeover?
"Love?" Tattoo Tex stiffened and wrapped his arm around me. He was sweet, but my inner frizzy-haired girl was too frazzled to revel in my boyfriend's protective caveman gesture.
"It's a term I use with both genders." Xavier spoke matter-of-factly. "I think it's clear what team I play for." He glanced down at his shorts that identified the spot.
What was crystalline clear was that Xavier's earlier interest in my hair had not been a case of hair envy, but I would persevere.
Like I did every morning when I transformed my light-socket locks into beachy waves.
"Thanks for the offer, but I wanted to ask you about Dr. J." I edged toward the doorframe and pushed his hair slur to the back of my mind. "Do you know anyone who would want to harm her?"
Xavier let out a razor-sharp laugh. "Dr. J was a snake with the heart of a piranha. Who didn't want her dead?"
CHAPTER SEVEN
If The Curler's a Hangin', Don't Go a Bangin'
Wow. The bluntness of Xavier's comment shouldn't have startled me because good hairstylists don't hold back. But the hardness in his eyes had my mind reeling.
Was I looking at a killer?
I stepped backward. "You're clearly not a member of the Dr. J fan club."
"You got that right. No one was. She gnawed on people like she gnawed on her gluten-free diet bars. Chomped them into tiny bits." Xavier wrinkled his nose. "Her behavior tonight was atrociously rude. So typical."
I couldn't argue with Dr. J's bad manners, but I didn't have any history. Plus, how did I know Xavier was telling the truth? A tip from one of the PI flash cards about conducting interviews came to mind. The direct questioning technique involves asking one simple question at a time. Speaking the same language as the subject helps him or her relax.
Time to switch tactics. Hopefully Tex wouldn't mind.
"So, love," I said cheekily. "Was Dr. J nice to anyone at Couch Shopping Network?"
I turned to see Tattoo Tex raise an eyebrow. I shot him a look that said, just go with it, cowboy. Luckily, he knew me well enough to read my facial expressions.
Xavier shook his head, unfazed at my comment. Yes! The tip worked. I'd have to remember to engage in parrot talk with my future subjects.
"Everyone at CSN hated her. The only reason the network was doing a show about Dr. J was because she had millions of fan. She was cool on camera, but she treated people horribly behind the scenes. Especially her assistant, Winnie."
"Dr. J sure was mean to her, love."
"Yes, that poor soul. Why doesn't she have that atrocity of a wart frozen off?" He drew his hand to his chin in apparent horror.
A different question surfaced in my mind, however. And it went something like this: were you on the balcony for the entire naked surfer performance? Or did you slip inside the conference room and poison the Carat Cream because you knew about DMSO? If he were as enchanted with the surfer event as Aunt Alfa had been, I wasn't sure that was such a simple question.
Hmm. How could I find out? Then it hit me.
"So, love, did you see the naked surfer finale?"
Xavier blinked. "I don't recall. I watched most of the show, but then I got a call from Belize, and the reception outside was bad."
I arched my eyebrow
s. "Where'd you get good reception?"
He chuckled. "I was so excited by the call that the location of where I took the call has slipped my mind."
A likely story unless he was so smitten with whoever was in Belize.
"Did you talk to your friend long?" A direct question. The makers of my PI flash cards would be proud.
"No, because the party started." He tossed his hand and laughed. "That's right. I was on the corner of the balcony dreaming of being reunited with my significant other."
I glanced at Tex and understood how Xavier felt. The long nights apart were hard.
"Anyhow, love, you know who really had a vendetta against Dr. J?" Xavier's dark eyes sparkled with the thrill of spewing gossip.
"Who…uh…love?" Tattoo Tex's tone was so hilariously hesitant that I couldn't suppress a burst of laughter.
Xavier, however, looked like he'd just won a luxury condo in Belize. "If you want a haircut while we're here, cowboy, let me know. I give a great scalp massage."
I crossed my arms across my chest. "How come you can't do my hair here? Why do I have to go to DC?"
Xavier rolled his eyes. "Love, your hair's going to require every hair product and styling tool I own. And then some."
Serves me right for asking.
Xavier's phone belted out the main song from Evita, and his face lit up. "Sorry, that's my boy." He went to shut the door, but Tattoo Tex stopped it with his hand.
That's hot.
"Who had the vendetta against the dead doc?"
"Hold on one second, Damon," Xavier said into the phone before he looked at Tattoo Tex. "Loretta, love. Dr. J stole her husband from her. A husband heist's the kind of thing only a murder will vindicate."
I wrinkled my nose. "I don't know if I'd go that far."
"I would." Xavier waved us away and shut the door.
I turned toward Tattoo Tex. "Apparently that's all we're getting out of him, love."
Tex grinned. "So Dr. J was cheating with Loretta's man. I reckon that's a serious motive right thar."
"I agree. But why would any woman want to attend an event where she'd see the other woman?" Only one reason came to mind, considering the circumstances. "To carry out a murder?"