by J B Heller
Kass slams him palm against the steering wheel, making me jump and jerk my head toward him. “What the hell, Kass? Why are you being like this?”
We’re paused at a set of lights when he turns to face me, “I just told you. Weren’t you listening? He has serious mental issues. He has to, to be able to do what he does. He beats the shit out of other people, Chance. There is no nice way to say it.”
I wait until the light changes colour and he has to shift his focus back to the road before I answer him. I can’t talk to him when his judgemental eyes are boring into me like that. I lick my lips, “You don’t get it. It’s not like that. I mean,” I sigh, not knowing how to explain myself without dishing Carter’s secrets.
“So, you’re telling me,” Kass interrupts, “That it rips you apart what your father did to mine, but you’re okay with your boyfriend doing it for a living. Don’t you see how fucked up that is?”
I swallow hard, because that’s the very thought that’s been plaguing me. But my need for Carter outweighed everything else, so I shoved it to the back of my mind. I crumple in my seat, bringing my knees to my chest and hiding my tormented face in them.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Kass murmurs.
The rest of the day is a complete write off. I can’t concentrate for shit. All I can see is Chance allowing her nephew to pull her away from me, and her going willingly, despite my pleas for her to stay.
I stand under the shower spray, letting it pound against my skin as I press my head against the cold tiles. Frustration clenches my fists and I have to fight to keep myself under control. Closing my eyes, I focus on the water as it splashes against my skin, and rolls down my body in streams. Eventually, my fists uncurl and I press my flat palms to the cold tiles above my head.
I’m losing her. If I haven’t already.
I normally let myself into her house, but after today, I don’t think that’s the best way to proceed. I’ve left my duffle in the car, somehow knowing I won’t be staying tonight. Swallowing down the overwhelming sense of trepidation, I knock on the solid timber door.
Vivian answers with a frown, “Why’d you knock?” she asks, confused.
Forcing a smile, I shrug, “Chance isn’t very happy with me, thought it would be best if I knocked.”
Vivian’s face drops, sadness and concern filling her eyes. “Oh, I see,” she licks her lips, “I’ll just go get her then,” she begins to turn away then thinks twice, “Come wait inside, you will always be welcome here, Carter, even if things between you and Chance don’t work out.”
I nod, “Thank you,” I tell her as I make my way to the lounge room and take a seat on one of the couches.
A few minutes feels like hours as I wait for Chance to come speak to me. She must have turned her phone off earlier, because all of my calls have gone to voicemail since she left the gym earlier today.
Squeezing my hands together between my knees, I watch my knuckles turn white, and then I hear her voice. It’s soft, and broken, affirming everything I feared.
“Hey,” she says, keeping her distance from me she stands behind the recliner that belonged to her father.
When our eyes meet I can tell she’s been crying, “Baby, please,” I start, but she shakes her head, cutting me off before I can plead my case.
The sad attempt at a smile that tugs at her lips breaks me, “I will forever be grateful to you for everything you have done for me,” she hiccups, “But I can’t be with you anymore, Carter. I’m sorry.” One single tear trickles from the corner of her eye, rolling down her cheek and coming to rest in the curve of her full lips.
My throat constricts, “I love you,” I whisper, unable to make my voice any louder.
Her face crumples, “And I love you, I always will.”
I get up, moving so the only thing separating us is the recliner. “Then stay with me,” I beg.
Another tear escapes her beautiful eyes, “I can’t. You know I can’t. You deserve someone who can support you the way you have supported me. And I’m not strong enough to be that person for you.”
“You are My Girl, you are the strongest person I know,” I try to tell her, but she drops her head, refusing to look at me.
“But I’m not. I wish I were, but I’m not. Not anymore, at least. I thought I was better, I thought I was dealing with everything, but clearly, I’m not. There isn’t anything more you can do to help me get there. I need to find myself again, on my own,” she raises her glistening eyes to mine. “Goodbye, Carter,” she whispers on a sob, then she turns her back on me and she’s gone.
I train harder, longer, tougher. It’s the only thing I can do to stop myself from going insane. Nothing brings me satisfaction like unleashing my rage on my opponent. Even then, my blood still pumps thick through my veins, begging for more.
I’ve turned into the monster Chance thought I already was.
But the truth is, she was changing me. With her by my side, I didn’t need to fight like I used to. She brought me peace. She soothed the need to seek release from the resentment that boiled my blood. She was all I needed to calm the storm inside of me.
Now she’s gone, and I feel like I’ve lost my damn mind.
The need for relief is more persistent than ever. Anger that I once had a handle on is out of control, simmering just under the surface, just begging for a reason to be unleashed.
“I’m worried about you,” Mase says, as I gulp down a protein shake.
Shrugging, I don’t even bother meeting his eyes, “Am I supposed to care?”
He punches me in the shoulder, hard, not mockingly the way he would have before. “You’re a fucking arsehole, you know that.”
Again, I shrug, “Yep.” I don’t look him in the eye, he’ll see how dead I am inside and know just how worried he really should be.
From the corner of my eye I see him shaking his head, “I don’t blame her for dropping your arse, you never deserved her,” he says, and starts walking away.
But I can’t let it slide, I launch at him, yanking his shoulder back, making him face me. “You have no fucking clue what you’re talking about!” I yell, only just stopping myself from smashing his face in.
I catch my mistake too late, Mase is looking straight into my eyes, and curses under his breath, shaking his head. “What the hell are you doing, man? You’re going to self-destruct. Go get her back.”
Dropping my hand from his shoulder, I turn away. “I can’t. I’ve got nothing left to give her. She already has it all, and it’s not enough,” I tell him, then walk away, needing space from his perceptive gaze.
Mase knows me too well. Which means he knows she’s the only thing that can bring me back from the brink of inevitable annihilation I’m heading for.
Without Carter by my side nothing feels right.
I don’t even find joy in my work anymore.
I don’t want to spend time with my brother and his family even though they are continually asking me to come over. Well not Kass, he and I haven’t spoken since the day Carter and I broke up.
Emptiness fills my once full heart and I crave solitude so I can drop the fake I’m-totally-fine-smile. Wearing it is a lie, but it’s easier than dealing with the truth. That the man I love has a monster inside of him that terrifies me to my core.
Am I being a coward? Or am I simply protecting myself? I honestly don’t know at this point because it hurts so goddamn much.
He hasn’t reached out to me since that day. And I don’t expect him to, not after the way I walked away from him and what we had so easily.
Does it make me a terrible person for wishing this wasn’t a part of him? Even though I already knew who and what he was before I fell in love with him.
I’m lying on atop my bed, still fully clothed after a long day at the gallery when a soft knock makes me swivel my head to my door. A small piece of me sparks to life thinking it could be Carter. Only to shrivel and make me further resent myself for my decision to walk away from him when I see my
mother standing in the entryway.
“Hey Ma,” I say as I roll my head back to the wall I was staring at before she interrupted my inner musings.
“Still moping I see,” she says.
I frown, and look back at her, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She raises a brow, “I’m not speaking in riddles, am I? It was a frank observation, Chance.”
Pushing myself up onto my elbows I eye her, “Are you insinuating I have no reason to be moping?”
Blinking at me slowly, she says, “Yes honey, that’s exactly what I’m say.”
I sit up fully now and glare at her, “Are you kidding me? In the last six months, not only have I lost my father and found out he was an abusive bastard to my brother, but I’ve lost the man I love too. I’d say I’m well within my rights to be moping around right now.”
My mother actually rolls her eyes at me. I blink as she cocks her head to the side, “First, your father passed away six months ago. I don’t expect you to be over it, but you were functioning perfectly well a month ago. Second,” she says holding up two fingers in the air between us, “Don’t you ever disrespect your father’s memory. He was a good and loving father to you Chance, do not punish him in death for the mistakes he made before you were even born.
“And third, you broke up with Carter. Not the other way around. As I recall he begged you to stay with him, and you walked away from him,” she delivers that last punch directly to my heart as she crosses her arms over her chest and levels her motherly stair on me.
I swallow down the emotions trying to escape, and drop my head into my hands. She’s right about all of it. I’m acting like a spoiled brat. And I hate that.
The bed dips beside me as my mother sits and pulls me into her arms, “You’re sad and that’s normal sweetheart. But if you’re still second guessing whether you made the right decision to break up with Carter a month after the fact, I’d say you have your answer.”
We sit there in silence after that, my mother holding me the way she used to when I would get upset over silly little fights Kass and I had while growing up.
The next morning when I wake up I still feel like shit. Maybe Mumma was right? If I’m still this torn up about my reasons for breaking up with Carter, maybe they weren’t very good reasons.
Carter has been my best friend for a really fuckin’ long time. And it’s not because of his sunny disposition.
I’m not even sure if he remembers how we became friends. We were only five at the time, but I remember it like it was yesterday. It was never easy for me to make friends. I was scrawny, pale, covered in bruises, and didn’t talk much.
I knew how to pick fake sincerity from a mile away, and kids either pretended to be nice to me because they felt sorry for me, or because the teacher tried to make them be my friend. But Carter told me to fuck off that very first day, and for some reason I decided that this kid would be the perfect best friend. He was real. He didn’t pretend to like me because he was told to. And I liked that.
So here we are, eighteen years later, and nothing has changed between us. He still acts like a dick, and I still call him on it when I need to.
But when Chance entered the picture, he changed. It wasn’t instant, it was more like the more time he spent with her, the calmer he became. Like he was able to shrug off the small shit that would normally have set him off.
I saw more of the laid back, easy going Carter that he rarely let out. It was good for him. I was happy for him. Never in a million years did I think a stupid bet with Cole would have turned out so well.
But then it all went to shit.
Now I’m left watching him spiral out of control without her. And I can’t let it go without at least trying to prevent him from crashing and burning. The hollow look in his eyes the other day freaked the ever loving fuck out of me. I have to do something.
It’s the day of the fight, and Carter is in the zone. He’s fucking terrifying, if I’m being honest. His eyes have gone black. And I don’t mean that in the he needs more sleep kind of way, it’s like he’s dead inside. And it scares me more than anything ever has before, so after making sure my absence won’t be noticed, I duck outside pulling up Chance’s number as I go and hit call.
When she answers on the third ring, I sigh in relief, “Hey, C.C.”
“Mase? Is Carter okay?” she asks instantly, proving she still cares.
Taking a seat on the concrete gutter I get comfortable. “No, not really. That’s why I’m calling.”
She gasps, “What happened?”
“Settle down, he’s not injured, but he is hurt,” I tell her.
“Oh,” she breathes.
“I’ve never seen him like this before, he’s spiralling,” I say, and all I can hear is Chance breathing deeply on the end of the line, so I continue, knowing I don’t have much time. “Look, if there is any part of you that still loves him, you need to find it, like now. It’s make or break time, girl, and he’s going to be irreparably broken if you let him go like this.”
Silence. I’ve just laid it out for her, and all I get is fucking silence. “Are you listening to me? He’s going into this fight tonight with no reason to come out of it, Chance. What are you going to do about it?”
Still she says nothing, and my temper snaps, “You know what, forget it. I thought maybe you still gave a shit. Maybe you weren’t a selfish bitch like the rest of them, taking what you need without considering the damage left in your wake, guess I was wrong,” I say, then hang up.
Getting to my feet, I swing around and punch the brick wall by the back entrance. “FUCK!” I yell, letting the pain radiate through my hand as I flex my fingers. I’m out of options, I’ve tried everything I can to pull him out of his head, she was my last ditch effort. And she left me hanging. Just like every other woman who’s ever played a role in my life.
What the hell is wrong with me? Mase is right, I’m being selfish. Carter gave me everything I needed when I was broken and grieving. And what did I do when all he asked was that I stay? I walked away.
Mase said Carter was going into the fight with no reason to come out. I was afraid to ask what he meant by that. But his words repeat in my head, it’s make or break time. I was still processing his words when he lost his shit and told me off before hanging up on me.
So I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed trying to get my head straight once and for all. Do I still love Carter? Yes. I always will. I’m certain of that. And that’s when I make my decision, the decision I should have made when I chose to turn my back on him.
Looking at my watch, I know there is no way I’ll get there before the fight starts, but I’ll make it before it’s over. Grabbing my phone, I call Mase. I think it’s going to go to voice mail but he answers it just as I’m about to give up.
“What C.C.? Kinda busy here, girl,” he says distractedly.
I swallow, “I know, I’m sorry. How is he?”
“Do you really care?” he shoots back.
“Yes, I’m sorry, Mase. Tell him I’m sorry, and that I’m coming. I’m getting in my car right now,” I tell him.
The sound is muffled for a minute and I assume he’s covering the mouth piece then he speaks, “Are you sure about this? You can’t run out on him again, C.C., I don’t know how the fuck he’s keeping it together as it is. If he sees you’ve come then you take off, that’s it, it will be over.”
I lick my lips and nod even though I know Mase can’t see me, “I’m sure. I’m coming. Can you make sure I can get in?”
“Yeah, I’ll sort it. Come to the back entrance, I’ll have someone waiting for you. Look, I gotta go,” Mase says, then the line goes dead.
My heart is in my throat and I don’t know how I’m going to drive. I jump in my seat when someone knocks on my window. I roll it down and see Kass standing there, hands in his pockets, remorse filling the air around him.
“I’m sorry,” he says, “I shouldn’t have said those things about Carter. I guess I’m st
ill a bit messed up about everything Dad went through,” he swallows and runs his hand through his hair, “You going to the fight?”
I nod, but I can’t speak. My twisted up emotions are clogging my throat, making speech impossible.
Kass eyes, me then seems to come to some kind of conclusion. “Move over, I’ll drive,” he says, opening my door and shoving me until I scramble over to the passenger seat. “It’s the least I can do, and I need to apologise to Carter as well.”
Clicking my seatbelt in place, I wring my hands together. I’m relieved I’m not the one behind the wheel right now, that’s for sure. I’d probably end up causing an accident. “Thank you,” I mumble to Kass and he nods in response, keeping his eyes on the road ahead as he drives.
I check my watch every couple of minutes, hoping time will slow down, allowing me to get there before it ends. Luckily traffic isn’t too bad, but it still feels like it’s taking forever to get there.
Thirty minutes later, Kass drops me at the back entrance to the arena. “I’ll go park somewhere and meet you in there when I can,” he says, as I fling the door open, getting ready to make a run for it.
“Thanks,” is all I get out before I start sprinting for the doors that will lead me to my man.
A big burly dude stops me when I try to push through the heavy door, “This is a restricted area, ma’am.”
I don’t have time to tell him that I’m in my early twenties and that is way too young to be called ma’am, so I blurt, “I have to get in there, my boyfriend’s fight already started.”
Recognition lights his eyes, “Sorry, Miss Haynes, didn’t realise it was you,” he says as he scans a card at the side of the door then pushes it open for me. “Go straight down this hallway, take the second left, and you’ll find Arnold. Tell him who you are and he will escort you to your seat.”
“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I gush, then take off, following his directions. When I find another big dude, this one bald, I pause, “Arnold?” He nods. “I’m Chance Haynes, you’re supposed to take me in.”