I find myself heading for the Trailer Park on my way home even though it’s the opposite way. I just want to catch another glimpse of Saige. She is the prettiest thing I have ever seen. She’s like a porcelain doll. A head full of lose curls the same color as mine. Her skin was flawless and she was glowing with happiness. She has her mother’s crazy weird green eyes, but they fit her. Beautiful it was always my favorite part about Rory. She has raised my daughter without me, and she has done an amazing job. The child has an inner light that just shot through her. Rory probably showed that child the same love she showed me times ten. I can’t help but cry on the drive. I can’t believe I missed so much. I push down on the gas eager to get to her again. I won’t miss anything else. I can’t. I realized years ago I wasn’t in love with Rory. I had a love for her but not the right kind. She deserved better, she deserved someone who saw nothing but her when she walked into the room. She was fun for me, something different and she was off limits. My parents hated her and I had the need to rebel. This changes everything. I can’t be selfish anymore I need to do right by my daughter. I smile thinking Rory named her the name we picked out. She even gave her not only my last name but my first. I wonder what I was doing when she was born. I pull up right by Rory’s trailer and actually stop, one of three times I ever stopped. Thinking back to our first anniversary when I helped her and then the night after I caught her cheating, well not cheating to hear everyone tell it, I can’t help but fume at the thought. I was so cruel to her and she was always so good to me. I don’t see the black suv they had climbed into, maybe they weren’t back yet. I step out of the truck and walk up the cracked steps, getting madder with every step. How could Saige be safe here? I knock on the door and wait. After a few more knocks the door creaks open and I look inside. The room is empty not a sofa, a table, nothing. Where are they? I turn to look around for someone to ask and I see this fat lard strolling between trailers. “Excuse me Sir, Where’s the girl who use to be in this trailer?” his eyes light up and a slimy smirk crosses his lips. “No clue and all I can say is good bye bitch. That little tease always wanted shit fixed and never wanted to make the proper payment. If you catch my drift.” He grabs himself stroking over his crotch and walks off. Not sure why but I have to fight the urge to jump off the crappy porch and punch him in his filthy face. I look back inside and shake my head. I have to figure out where they are.
As I pull into my parents drive way my temper flares worse. I really dread having to confront them but after all these years it has to be done. I think back to what Ashley said and I still don’t understand that. What did she mean it wasn’t the first time? Turning the key and stepping out I can feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. The people I have always trusted have lied to me over and over, the one person I thought I would never trust again seems to be the only one making any sense. I slam the truck door a little too hard and stomp on the steps slinging the front door open so hard it slams into the wall behind it and I am sure it knocked a hole in the wall, not that I care. “Mom we have to talk now!” I scream up the steps as I pace back and forth, waiting and nervous but mostly pissed. I hear her heels before I see her and then she descends with my father right on her heels. She has a fake smile plastered across her face, I am not sure if its fake if it’s the one she has worn for years on end to appear sweet. My dad looks older, running his hands through his hair not really looking at me. “Hi Tobias, did you have a nice meal with your old friends?” she says trying to gauge the situation. “Yea best meal in my life actually I think, guess who I saw while I was out?” I ask giving her to first chance to come clean. Smiling bigger and placing a hand on her hip “No clue honey, where did you decide to eat? Did you try the new fish house out by the river?” her shoes click past me as she makes her way over to the sofa but she doesn’t sit. “No mother I ate at The Diner!” her face deadpans and turns ghostly white, a light sweat covers her face instantly, and her hand shoots up over her mouth. By the reaction alone I know the truth instantly, not that I ever doubted it to be honest. “Was... did… why...” she couldn’t even form a sentence, my dad steps over to her and tries to whisper “You knew he would see her, calm down we talked about this.” I ball my fist up in anger flexing them over and over, I can feel my jaw clenching and my temperature rising. “Why would either of you keep something so important from me?” it came out so nasty I tasted it. “You never had that right, ever.” I can’t see straight my temper getting the best of me, I turn and sling my arm out into a wide arch hitting one of my mother’s dozen vase’s she adores. I barely hear her suck in as it smashes to the ground. I turn back towards them, they have a placid look on their faces, I’ve never acted this way towards them and they aren’t sure how to approach me, that much is obvious. Finally it’s my mother who speaks “Tobias I only ever wanted a good life for you, when those girls tried to ruin you. I done what any mother would do for her child. I shielded you. It’s my job.” I growl out in frustration and she continues “Unfortunately Rory wasn’t as easy to deal with as Ashley.” That was comment that snapped my brain back into action. Locking eyes with the person I use to consider my loving mother I seethed “What about Ashley?” her head drops yet again. “I didn’t realize you weren’t aware of that.” Stepping closer to her “Spit it out,Mother!” my dad stood taking a step towards me but stopped when I settled my glare on him, right now was not the time. My whole life he was mostly absent and today of all days he should just disappear. “Back when we gave you the truck Tobias, I had her here the whole weekend. I had to tend to her like a child while she recovered from the abortion I made her get. You weren’t ready for a child and I sure wasn’t about to tend to one. I made Ashley leave you alone in return we made sure her dad’s store had business. When you accepted the truck so easily I knew made the right choice. It was a win win situation. Then Rory showed up here looking for you, she never gave me a chance to fix it for her, instead she ran to the arms of that hoodlum and kept that child to herself. I send her an allowance but she returns it, that’s not my problem or yours. You are free to live your life son.” She looks up with tears in her eyes. She truly believes she is in the right. “I saved you from them Tobias.” I jerked back as far as I could “No mother you’ve turned me into him” I point at my father “you’ve made me absent in my daughter’s life, you’ve taken a child from me. If you had just accepted Rory, I would have my daughter with me now instead of knowing nothing about her. What if she never loves me?” My mom reaches out to me but I pull back again, I can’t let her touch me she is evil. Nasty, weighed down, soul sucking evil. “I couldn’t accept Rory, she wasn’t good enough. You never loved her just like Ashley.” “I was in love, you ruined that for me. Rory may have been a band-aid but I loved her to, just differently. But she was that forbidden fruit and I couldn’t let her go. She was good enough for me mother but I was never good enough for her. Thanks to you, I was a judgmental jerk to her. I will never set foot in this town again once I leave this time. I will never forgive either of you for this.” I turn and slam the door in my departure. I don’t believe I will ever get over this, it’s just wrong. I feel like my whole life has been a lie, pulling my cell from my pocket I click it open and text Rory. I want… no need to see my daughter.; I have to know everything about her.
Chapter Fifty-Five
I’ve just got home when my phone chirps and I look down at it and actually gasp at the name on the display. Toby? He can’t be calling me right now. I haven’t even talked with Rome about everything that happened today. I look down at my cell
Toby: Where are y’all? I want to talk. I need to know her Rory. I have to.
Rory: Ok. Let me talk with Rome and I will text you back.
Toby: This has nothing to do with him, just send me the address.
Rory: It does have to do with him, don’t start! I will text you in a few.
I snap my phone shut harder than I needed to but I can’t help it, Toby has always had a way to set me off. I throw it on the coun
ter letting my anger get the best of me. I hear the door shut and turn to see Rome standing there. He must have witnessed my tiny tantrum. He has his head cocked to the side a little and the pull between his eyes tells me it’s now or never. I start rambling about crazy facts like always and then I realize I have to drop my shoulder and plow through it or I will never tell him. “Did you know 2 or 3 jockeys are killed each year in horse racing? Or that hot water weighs more than cold water?” stepping closer Rome puts his hand on my hip “What happened? The doctors go ok?” I stop realizing he thinks Saige has an issue. “Ohhh no! She’s fine, everything went great.” I slump back away from him “Toby’s back.” He steps towards me “So. We knew he was coming back this summer. We didn’t care remember. His loss.” Pinching the bridge of my nose “That’s just it Rome he does care, he didn’t know. And now he wants to meet her. I mean he met her today…” now he is the one slinking back from me “What? Today? When Why? How?” I put my hand on his chest for him to stop. “He was at The Diner eating with Clay and Ashley, they thought it was ok with it being my off day. He saw us and when he asked I couldn’t lie.” I retold the whole story to Rome piece by piece. Watching the emotions cross his face killed me. It went from anger, to pain, to confusion, then back to anger. He was all over the place. “Talk to me Rome please. Tell me what you’re thinking.” He steps over to the counter and braces himself against it, never looking up “Rory this is so hard for me. I love that girl like she’s mine. This changes everything if it’s true. He will want to take her and he will replace me. I … I feel like every girl I love he takes them from me. I always lose to him. What happens if he wants you back? Will you go to?” I jump from my chair so fast it slams to the ground. I place my hands over his cheeks forcing him to look at me “No never, I love you and only you. I will never be with anyone else, you’re my whenever Rome. I love you not forever but whenever! I love you whenever the wind blows, the rain pours, the sun shines, the stars twinkle. I love you whenever we are happy, or sad, if we are angry or content. I love you whenever I breathe. I will love you whenever it’s our time to go. I will always be yours and we will always be ours. I love you whenever anything happens, anywhere. I love you just that hard. As for Saige, you will always be her daddy, you’ve been here from day one.” I dig deep with my stare. I want him to believe me so badly. “I know Rory I do, I swear but anytime we talk about your past with him, I see it there is this sweet sadness in your eyes. He has a part of you I can never get back.” Sitting down he props his elbows on his knees and drops his head to his hands. Staring straight at the floor, I don’t hear it but I see his body shake a little and it breaks my heart. I never want him to cry. “No matter what Rome, I can never forget, it’s a part of my past that will always haunt me. His words his touch it all meant so much to me back then. They mattered then, you matter now, you’ve always mattered I just didn’t understand it. Please don’t let this hurt you I won’t mess up I promise. He was a reckless romance, a hopeless dream that’s it. With you it’s like my life is stuck on replay and it’s my favorite love song.” I try to force his head up but he doesn’t have it. Yep I lost my mad Jedi skills! He pulls me close and buries his head into my waist. I wrap my hands into his hair and rub him softly up and down his neck. I hate this I don’t want to hurt him. Stupid Toby! His breathing evens out and he looks right at me, skipping my eyes and pushing right into my soul with all his force. “I know baby I love you, I’m sorry I’m just scared is all. It will be fine, you’re the smartest woman I know and you will do the right thing always. I’m sorry, I wasn’t doubting you, mostly myself.” I pull his face to mine and crush his lips. He pulls me as he sits up straight pulling me down on his lap. As I straddle the chair backwards and grin my hips down onto him, he runs his hands across the dip in my lower back. I hear the rumble from his chest and it turns me on even more. “Mommy can I have some milk?” we shoot up looking each other in the face and both look over at Saige standing right beside us with a burst of laughter that makes her jump “Sure baby.” I get up straighten my clothes and make my way over to the fridge. I cannot believe we got that carried away. “I um I need to text him, I want to talk to him before we allow him here. And I rather just get it over with.” I turn to see Rome sitting in the chair still except now Saige is on the table staring right at him, her eyes twinkling as she runs her finger over his tattoos. “Daddy, why do you let people color on your skin? Momma says “No Ma’am, We do not color on ourselves, only paper!” shaking her tiny stubby little finger at him “ She’s going to spank you.” Whispering the last part we meet eyes and smile. “It’s ok Princess, just set it up.” I pick my cell up off the counter where it still lay from me throwing it earlier and send a dreaded text.
Rory: My spot, 20 minutes.
I cram it in my pocket and rub my hands down my face. “I’m going to change, and then I will be back.” Rome looks at me around Saige where she is still perched on the table “I’m taking the bike so you have the truck in case you need to go anywhere” I turn and add “Or come get me” I quickly throw on some old jeans, jerk on a classic throw back kiss tank I found at the thrift store last week. It was a Holy Grail kind of score for me. I jerk my chucks on and pull my hair back in low ponytail and walk through the kitchen. Leaning over and kissing both of my favorite people “I won’t be gone long. I’m meeting him at the billboard to set the ground rules. I will call when we leave and head this way. Can you clean her up and try to explain this a little to her?” I grab my red leather coat and matching helmet as I walk out the door. I love this set, Rome bought it for me this past Christmas. The coat makes me feel mean, not like beat up someone but l feel tough like a superhero or something. I run my hands down the front of the coat feeling the ridges and gripping the silver buttons on it. This coat is like a cape, I feel invisible in it. I throw my leg over the motorcycle kick the stand and balance it between my thighs pull on my red helmet and tighten the straps. I adjust my coat collar and turn the key over. When the bike rumbles to life I feel jubilant. I take off with the endowment I need to handle anything Toby throws at me. When I arrive at the billboard I see Toby’s truck pulled up at the back just like always. I slow down and drop the stand. I look around as I set the helmet on the seat, where is he? I take a few steps and remember my coat. If I am not on the bike moving I take it off. It’s great to block wind and help with road rash but its way to hot to be a fashion statement. I lay it across the seat and start towards his truck “NICE BIKE WILDE” I hear the voice but still don’t see him around. “You coming or what?” I look up and see Toby’s feet dangling over the side and his face is lit up ear to ear. This is not going to be fun for me. He better not make me mad or I will push him off that platform. I reach deep inside me and summons my inner warrior as I make the steep climb to the top. I drop down beside him like I am full of lead. We don’t even look at each other when the conversation starts. “Rory I swear I never knew.” I don’t say anything I wait. Patience, young Jedi. “I never had a clue, I take some of the blame but I place most on my parents. They were wrong to not tell me. It was my choice to make. I will never forget this. They don’t deserve it. I want to meet her, I want to know her, I want to visit with her and be a part of her life.” I sit placid “Rory talk to me, say something, I have the right to be with her. Right? You have to know that.” Blowing out the air I was holding in and rolling my eyes “Most lipstick contains fish scales.” I state and then go hush again, patience. “WHAT? Why the hell do you do that? You’ve always been kind of spastic you know. Just talking about crazy off the wall shit, it freaked me out A LOT!” chewing on my lip it’s my nervous tick, I don’t spout off much factual info these days. “Toby you never paid attention to me really. I have done that my whole life” keeping a calm demeanor “you were so wrapped up in everything else you never really took the time to know me, you never took the time to understand who I was. It’s a nervous habit. It gives me time to collect my thoughts. And yes I know you have the right to know her, but even mo
re so she deserves to know you. I don’t want to keep her from you but, you need to understand Toby first off she doesn’t know you. She has to be eased into this. You can’t run in and say screw what you know I’m your dad and take off with her. It won’t work like that. You need to understand she has a set of rules and you need to understand them so it’s easy for her to transition. This is not about me and you it’s always going to be about her.” I look at him, he is deep in thought. “I get it Rory, I will do anything to make this right, I mean ANYTHING. Why don’t we try to fix this, fix us? We were good together, we were happy.” I shake my head no “There is no we, I am with Rome now and I will always be with him. I was happy with you for a long time, but reality set in and it wasn’t meant to be. When you left me and I found out I was pregnant, I cried myself to sleep every night. I thought my sweet angel was being condemned to hell. I was wrong. That girl is the light of our lives. She is loved so hard some days it makes my head hurt. Those boys would kill for her, all four of them. They are her own personal army.” I’m so confused right now to be honest, I expected him to scream and stomp and throw a fit. Or maybe whine and break down he was good at that when he thought I was about to walk away. I know now it was an act for the most part, but his behavior is still not normal. “I think I hated you when you left Toby, I mean I really hated you. I wished bad things on you and I cursed you daily. If it weren’t for Rome I would have lost my mind. I made bad choices and I didn’t care. Then when I had her, I saw you on tv. I was lying in the bed at the hospital and you were smiling and talking about it being the best day of your life. Funny thing was it was mine to but for different reasons. That was the day I decided to let you go. I wanted to be strong for her and be happy. I let you go. I let the hate and anger disappear and I am grateful for that. I was finally able to look in the mirror again and be happy with who I saw. We were young and stupid and I paid the ultimate price. I paid with my soul. Thanks to Rome I found myself again. He has been my best friend my rock through all of this. Before I can take you to my..our home I need to understand that. He deserves the respect. He never put a hand on me until I asked him to and that was long after you were gone. And he loves Saige like his own. He understands you are her bio dad but I need for you to understand he is her daddy. He is who she knows, don’t hurt her while trying to hurt him.” He looks up into my eyes and I feel the pain. Toby was good to me, bad as well, but we had our good days. “I promise I will play nice and I will be civil I just want to hold her.” I can hear the sincerity in his voice. “Ok follow me.” I stand and he follows suit. He goes down first, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was so he could check out my butt. Thank God I was still tiny, not that it matters but come on no chick wants to look like the blob around her baby daddy, ha. I step off the last broken piece of the ladder. “I haven’t been here much lately.” I tell him as I adjust my top. “I don’t really need to, with my star at home with me now.” And I smile at Toby I want him to understand life is good. “I haven’t been here since prom night. I never wanted to be around anything that reminded me of you.” He gulps at his admission but I’m ok I understand. “This whole town reminds me of you.” I walk towards the bike, but stop to talk as I reapply my riding set. “Follow me to the house, Rome has already talked to Saige and she is expecting you.” I kick my leg over and I’m about to start it when I hear his voice again “You look hot as shit, riding that bike.” He looks like the old or well the younger Toby I remember. I smile at him and rev it up “I am hot, Tobias West. Always have been.!” I move forward and he gets the hint, jumping in his truck I pull up beside the window, he rolls it down. “You’re going to have to actually stop too! You can’t just talk to her as you drive by.” His face falls and I almost feel bad for saying it, ALMOST. I hit the gas and gun it all the way home.
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