by Rye Hart
That led me to make the decision to drop out of school for the time being to be her full-time caregiver. Not that I really had a lot of choice in the matter. Finding an outside one was too expensive, making it non-starter. And there was nobody but me who could do it.
That, however, was the least of my worries. As I drove over to Lila's house, I prayed that I was just under a lot of stress, given everything going on. Stress could most definitely help explain the lack of my period since the cruise. I was a month late—a whole freaking month!
A few days was one thing, but four weeks was just way too much, and I'd just been too busy to take care of it. Now, though, I had no choice. I had a couple pregnancy tests in a bag on the passenger's seat of my car as I raced over to her house. I was scared to death and I needed my best friend's support to sit with me as I took them.
My phone rang just as I was pulling up outside her house.
“What's wrong, Josie?” Lila asked, her tone genuinely concerned.
“I can't talk about it over the phone,” I said, my voice shaking. “Please, I just need you.”
“Come on over, sweetie,” she said.
I heard her talking to someone in the background as she muffled the phone.
“I'm, uh—I'm already outside your place,” I said.
“Wow. That was fast,” she said. “Alright, come on in.”
I felt tears well up in my eyes and my heart racing. Adrenaline flowed through my body and I was trembling. This couldn't be happening. Not to me. It just couldn't. I'd always been so good, never sleeping around. Hell, I'd had sex once. Once! Sure, it was unprotected, but what were the odds that the one time I have sex, I get knocked up?
Call me naive, but I assumed I'd be safe. I'd looked at ovulation cycles afterward and things looked fine. I wasn't worried about it. Not at first. But, as the days went by and I still hadn't gotten my period, I grew more and more concerned. I knew I should have gone in for the morning after pill once we got back from the cruise, just to be 100 percent sure, but life got in the way as it always seemed to do. And now, because of life getting in the way, I had to deal with—this.
I climbed out of the car and walked up to her front door just as Lila’s boyfriend walked out. I waved, he waved back, but I still couldn’t look him in the eye after seeing his bare ass on the cruise. I’d thought it was a one-time performance and that Lila wasn’t going to see him again. Obviously, I’d been wrong. I’d apparently been wrong about a lot of things regarding that damn cruise.
“Hey, Josie,” he said.
“Hey, Jason,” I muttered back.
We passed each other by, and Lila greeted me at the door, her face a mask of worry.
“Come in,” she said.
Her hair was ruffled, and her clothes were ragged, which meant that she and Jason were probably in the middle of having sex. And I’d interrupted. Again. Go figure. Back on the ship, she’d sworn the two of them wouldn’t see each other again, but apparently, he’d found her on Facebook and the rest was, as they say, history.
Me, I hadn’t heard a peep from Gavin. Not that I had ever really expected to. He didn’t seem like the type who’d search me out on Facebook. I reminded myself for the millionth time that it had just been a fling. A one-night thing. A one time, never to be repeated performance. I went into it knowing that. I couldn’t blame him for it, because he’d never pretended to be anything but a one-nighter for me.
I tried to move on. Tried to date other guys without the whole virgin stigma hanging over me anymore. But I inevitably wound up disappointed. None of the guys I went out with got me the way Gavin had. And none of them turned me on like he had. I still kept running away every time things got intimate and wound up pleasuring myself to memories of that one, hot night on the cruise ship.
And like the men I dated, I wound up disappointed every time I had to get myself off. Yeah, I orgasmed, but it was nowhere near as good or intense as it had been with Gavin. I felt like I was trying to grab puffs of smoke, chasing something I'd never catch.
But that was neither here nor there at the moment. There were a hell of a lot bigger things on my plate to worry about in that moment than my return to having absolutely no sex life. Lila and I sat down on her sofa, and instantly, the tears started to fall.
“Still haven't got your period, huh?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I just knew it would come once the surgery was over and thing calmed down with my mom,” I said, sniffing loudly. “I honestly figured it was just stress, but—”
“You have tests,” she asked, motioning toward my Rite-Aid bag. “It very well could be the stress, hon.”
I nodded and held up the bag. “In here.” I say.
“Good,” she sighed. “Let's get you some answers. No use freaking out if you're not actually pregnant.”
“What else could it be?” I asked. “I'm a month late, Lila.”
She shrugged. “Female problems? I hear of weird shit all the time, but I'm no gyno, so…”
She reached for the bag and opened it, grabbing one of the boxes inside and tearing it open. She pulled out the instructions and then read over them as I stared down at my hands, which were clasped in my lap, in silence. She handed me the stick and gave me a small smile.
“Go pee on this,” she said. “Then we wait.”
I took the test in hands that were trembling and walked into her hall bathroom. I took the test and placed it on a piece of toilet paper and then sat down on the lid of the toilet seat, calling Lila in to wait with me. She gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze and leaned against the bathroom door as I sat there on the toilet, my head in my hands.
“What am I going to do, Lila?” I cried, big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks. “I can't be pregnant. I just can't be.”
“There's only one person who could be the father, right?” Lila asked. “I mean, if you are pregnant, that is.”
I nodded. “Only person I've slept with.”
“Right, okay,” she muttered, pacing the small bathroom. “If this test comes back positive, we're going to need to contact him and—”
“No,” I said, eyes wide, a jolt of fear shooting through my body. “We absolutely cannot contact him. I don't even know him, Lila.”
“But he is the father of your baby,” she says. “And if it comes back positive, you shouldn't have to do this alone.”
She had a point, but I still shook my head. Finding and contacting Gavin was the last thing I wanted, especially for something like this. I had no idea how he'd react to the news. And I had absolutely no desire to force him to be with me if he wasn't into a relationship and a kid. He led a lifestyle that told me his priorities were elsewhere. And that he wasn't really in a place to deal with something that radically life-altering.
“I can't be pregnant. I can't be pregnant,” I kept repeating over and over again, hoping if I said it enough times, it would be true.
“It's time,” Lila said, looking at her watch.
We both stared at each other for a long moment, the sense of dread and foreboding growing within me with each passing second. Slowly, and with a hand shaking so bad, you'd think I had palsy, I reached for the stick. I hadn't read the instructions, so when I looked at the little window on the thing, I had no idea what it meant. I showed it to Lila, my eyes wide and tears rolling down my face.
“Christ on a cracker, Josie,” Lila said, and she actually sounded happy.
“What? Is it negative?” I asked, starting to feel hopeful.
“No, sweetie,” she said, her eyes and voice softening. “You're pregnant, Josie. You're going to be a mommy.”
My heart sank and everything inside me froze. This had to be a dream. It just had to be. There was no way I was pregnant. There was no way I could be. Not with everything else going on. I couldn't afford for it to be true.
Lila took my hands and pulled me up, hugging me close. “We're going to spoil this baby so fucking much. Josie,” she said. “Just think about how much fun it'll be.�
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Fun, sure. Except I had enough student loan debt to choke a horse. I had no career to fall back on because I'd had to drop out of school. And I had a mother who needed me twenty-four hours a day, seven days week.
Yeah, that sure sounded like a lot of fun.
A baby was something I wanted—someday. A baby was something I wanted when I had a husband and a home of my own. When I had a career. When I was financially secure. A baby wasn't something I wanted right now. Wasn't something I could deal with having right now. As I looked at the stick again, knowing it said I was pregnant, I couldn't stop the feeling of doom and despair from washing over me.
“There's no way I can take care of a child, Lila,” I cried. “I can hardly take care of myself.”
“Sh, sweetie,” she said, stroking my face and wiping away my tears. “We'll figure it out. I promise you that we will figure it out. You're not alone, remember?”
Except, of course, I was alone. She could help me, sure. But, Lila had her own life. Her own career. Her own boyfriend. She had a million different things going on in her own life. The last thing she needed was to be a part-time nanny for my child. A child I didn't want.
Chapter Ten
Josie
“Where are we going?” I groaned. “You know I can't be gone long.”
“It's fine, your sister is with your mom,” Lila said. “And I have your bags packed and ready to go.”
“My bags are packed?” I asked. “What are you talking about?”
“Yes, of course, silly,” she said. “We're going on a babycation. You need to relax before the baby comes.”
A few weeks had passed since I'd discovered I was pregnant. A few weeks since the grim reality of a screwed-up situation settled over me. And while I was still terrified, the idea of having a baby didn't fill me with as much dread as it had that first day. Lila had been working her magic and had me feeling slightly better about things.
My mom still didn't know, even though I was starting to put on some weight, mostly in my stomach. Most of my clothes were from the Goodwill maternity section and I looked like a slob. But, at least it covered my growing belly and breasts. For a little while longer, anyway. I wanted to keep my condition on the downlow until I could tell my mom the news.
By the time the baby arrived, I was hoping to have some money saved up so that we could move to a larger place. But, bills kept on coming and there was never enough money to get ahead. I usually barely had enough just to stay afloat. Lila helped when she could, but I tried not to worry her with my financial issues. I knew she'd feel obligated to help me, and I didn't want her to do that. I didn't want anyone's help. I'd find a way to make this work. I had no idea how in the hell I was going to do it, but I was bound and determined to.
Now, though, she was taking me on a babycation? What in the hell was that? I'd never heard of a babycation before.
I groaned. “Lila, I appreciate it, I really do, but you know I hate when you spend money on me.”
“What are friends for?” she said, smiling at me as we drove into San Diego. “Especially friends with money? Besides, I didn't actually have to pay for this one. I got it complimentary.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “Complimentary?”
“Yeah, from the cruise line. Because I am a valued customer,” she said.
She rifled through her bag until she found what she was looking for. She pulled out an envelope, handing it to me. Confused, I opened it up and read the pamphlet that said she'd won a free cruise for her and a friend—on the same cruise line we were on before.
The same cruise I got knocked up on.
I groaned again. “I can’t, Lila. Not again,” I said. “And especially not pregnant.”
“You hardly look pregnant, Josie,” she said.
“Hardly?” I asked, lifting up my shirt and showcasing my growing belly for her.
“Please, it’s not nearly as big as you seem to think. And besides, it’s not like you go nude anyway,” she shrugged. “No one will be able to tell under your one-piece swimsuit.”
“My swimsuit doesn’t even fit me anymore.”
“We’ll get you another one. They have stores on the boat, remember?”
I did remember. Most of the shops on the boat only seemed to sell itty bitty bikinis, though. They didn’t seem to sell many swimsuits fit for a pregnant chick. By that point, though, it was too late to turn around. Not that Lila would have done so anyway, even if I’d asked. She was bound and determined to take me on this babycation and would probably hog-tie me and throw me in the trunk to make sure I took it.
Maybe she was right, though. Maybe I actually did need a vacation before the baby came. And if push came to shove, I could always hang out in the room with the comfy beds and sleep. Because God knew, I need more sleep than usual these days. Surely, He wouldn’t begrudge a girl for trying to get a little rest.
“You know I’m just going to eat and sleep, right?” I said, cocking an eyebrow at her.
“Fine with me,” Lila sang.
“Won’t you get bored? I’ll be such a buzzkill,” I said. “You should have brought Jason along. Or at least, somebody who’s a little more fun these days.”
“Jason is coming too,” she said. “He’s staying in his own room, however.”
She saw the look I gave her and continued, laughing as she spoke, “And don’t worry. If we hook up, it'll be in his room. Not ours.”
“You mean when, not if,” I said.
Part of me was jealous that Lila had found a long-term partner on that fateful cruise. I was envious that she had a wonderful relationship while all I got was a baby bump and no father in sight. Not that I saw Gavin as long-term partner potential. He was definitely into hooking up with random women, after all. That was his thing. He wouldn't want little ol' me, and he especially wouldn't want a baby.
We parked and as I stared out at the enormous ship on the dock, I had to ask, “You don't think Gavin will be here, do you?”
Lila shrugged. “What are the odds of that?”
“Well, he did say he went on a lot of these.”
“He said he was a regular and it wasn't his first time,” Lila sighed. “Not like he lives on the boat or anything.”
She was probably right. What were the odds? I'd just avoid the club, stick to my room and keep an eye out for him. Not that I wouldn't savor another night with him, but there was no way he'd be able to see my naked form and not know I was with child.
That would be one awkward conversation.
ooo000ooo
Our room was similar to the last one we had. Only this one was nicer. And given how nice our last room was, that made this one downright elegant. The rooms were larger and both bedrooms had stunning ocean-views, along with a private patio with a hot tub. We also had access to a private VIP club and restaurant, which I'd already planned to avoid like the plague. Too many people, too many complicated situations, and too much drama.
Lila, on the other hand, insisted we try it.
“It's a restaurant too,” she said, showing me the menu, “And it's all-inclusive, Josie. Look at the delightful meals they have listed—scallops in white-wine sauce, swordfish—I'm getting hungry just looking at the pictures in the menu.”
Free food was hard to pass up, especially food I'd normally not get to enjoy in my everyday life. Begrudgingly, and with a heart that was rocketing inside me, I let Lila and Jason drag me out to the VIP lounge for dinner.
“This place is fancy,” I muttered, admiring the crystal chandelier that hung from the middle of the room.
The restaurant was dimly lit, giving it a more intimate and cozy atmosphere. While most of the clubs on the ship were wild and filled with drunken debauchery, this one had a dress code. Meaning, we were all three dressed in black tie attire.
The black dress I'd had on the night I first met Gavin at that club on board the ship was all that I had. I felt incredibly self-conscious when I looked in the mirror and saw the way it hugged my tummy a little
too tightly, showing off my tiny, but steadily growing, baby bump. Lila insisted it wasn't noticeable, but I could tell. It looked as if I'd had one too many tacos or drank a lot of beer. Or both.
Lila, as always, looked fantastic in her black dress, hugging her lithe frame and showing off her perfectly flat, non-pregnant belly. Jason walked alongside her, and I followed behind a few steps, feeling very much like the third wheel. “Nice, isn't it?” Lila cooed, looking around with wide eyes.
“Very nice,” I said.
I focused on the menu and tried to make heads or tails of some of the things I was reading. Lila and Jason both ordered cocktails, and when the waitress looked over at me, I gave her a small smile.
“I'll just have a water, please,” I said.
“Drinks are included on the house” the waitress said.
“I'll still take a water.” I said sternly. “But, thank you anyway.”
The waitress didn't argue with me again, instead, turning on her heel and going on her to get our drinks.
Lila and Jason were getting rather cozy, kissing each other as I tried to stare at something else, anything else but the couple getting down at our table. My eyes landed on a man sitting at the bar, facing in my direction.
Our eyes locked on to one another's, and suddenly, I felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. I felt like I couldn't breathe as I recognized that chiseled jaw and dark eyes. He smiled at me.
“Oh no,” I muttered, looking away as quickly as I could.
“What?” Lila asked.
“Over there,” I whispered. “It's Gavin.”
I briefly considered ducking underneath the table, but knew he'd already seen me. And doing something like that would only draw more attention to me—something I desperately wanted to avoid. Instead of diving beneath the table, I quickly got to my feet and rushed off toward the ladies’ room. Lila tried to follow me, but I turned and gave her a small smile.
“I'll be right back,” even though I wasn't sure I actually would be.