Commercial dog food is garbage, proponents of alternative diets say, though a hungry dog may not care.
You don’t have to be human to love cupcakes.
Gourmet dog-food purveyors—high-end butchers and name-brand chefs—are trying to address the tastes of all of the above, especially since most kinds of alternative dog food cost up to ten times as much as Lassie-era kibble.
Other companies are marketing food aimed to certain breeds or life phases such as puppies or elderly dogs. This may be as simple as small-bite foods to accommodate Chihuahuas or as complex as “food native to cold climates” for Siberian huskies—which is kind of like saying that everybody whose ancestors came from Scandinavia should eat only lutefisk and lingonberries.
The rationale, real or imagined, behind many of these new diet trends is health. Canned dog food has a long history of unsavoriness, dating back to its invention in the 1930s as a use for horsemeat and continuing today with ingredients that are leftovers deemed unfit for human consumption: “heads, feet, bones, blood, intestines, lungs, spleens, livers, ligaments, fat trimming, unborn babies,” according to one website.
Detractors of conventional dog food blame it for maladies ranging from low energy to dull coat, osteoporosis to canine cancer. And it’s a fact that pet food is recalled more often than human food: production standards are generally lower and food is more prone to bacterial infestation.
Still, many dogs become ill during the transition from conventional food to any alternative diet: vomiting, suffering from diarrhea, refusing food. Many vets discourage home-concocted or vegan diets as not giving dogs the nutrients they need. And feeding your pet “therapeutic” kangaroo meat purported to “enhance his immune system” is likely to produce results that are iffy at best.
Dog Treats
While dog food has become as serious as turtle meat and vegan patties, the dog-treat market has exploded in whimsical variety—possibly to make Fido feel better about having to eat all those carrots. Choices include:
•Bull-penis chew toy
•Chicken-flavored doggie bagels
•Frosting-drizzled donuts with sesame seed sprinkles
•Rawhide waffles with baked-in syrup
•Celery-flavored dog treats (Note: don’t be surprised if, at the end of the party, most of these are still left in the bowl.)
•Nathan’s hot dog treats
•Newman’s Own organic cheese treats
•Bacon-flavored microwaveable popcorn
•Pizza with real mozzarella and pepperoni
•Carob-tailed squirrel-shaped biscuits
•Hypoallergenic cookies: no wheat, corn, soy, or gluten
•Red-velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing
•Foie gras–flavored ice cream
•Mini cinnamon Bundt cakes
And to Drink?
Bottled water or tap? In today’s dog-beverage world, that question holds, uh, water. Some of the selection on tap:
Toilet water. The K9 Water Co. offers bottled water in flavors like Toilet Water, Puddle Water, Hose Water, and Gutter Water. (Yes, seriously.)
Sports water. A company called dogdration is marketing electrolyte-replenishing sports water for dogs, also containing such additives as “ginseng for health.”
Vitamin-enhanced drink. Sold in a can, like soda or beer, a drink called Petrol is a “dog treat beverage” that’s made from purified water, vitamins, and “natural flavoring.”
Puppuccino. While this is sold in a barista-style cup, its “pure and healthy” ingredients are “gently dehydrated”; i.e., it’s not a drink but food.
Breath-freshening beverage. The Pet Beverage is a liquid food and water additive that purports to freshen breath and other pet odors by doing something—we really don’t want to know what—to the animal’s digestive system.
Varietal wines. Nonalcoholic and designed to be poured over food or lapped out of specially dog-modified goblets, these are guaranteed to give new meaning to the term “hit the sauce.”
Bowser Beer. Nonalcoholic and noncarbonated, this dog-friendly beer is made from beef and malt barley and now contains glucosamine because that makes dog owners feel virtuous instead of just cheesy.
The hard stuff. Johnnie Barker Black Lab-el looks like the scotch, but to your dog, tastes more like liquefied turkey byproducts. But the pooch hooch is off the shelves after the makers of the original liquor sued for trademark infringement.
Halloween Dog Smoothie
Because sewing that Princess Leia costume for your beagle just wasn’t enough.
1 cup kefir—low-fat, plain organic is best
A few oz. organic, unseasoned chicken stock
A nice slice of cooked liver
1⁄4 lightly steamed organic (large) carrot
A dollop of canned pumpkin (make sure it’s pure pumpkin, k?)
A splash of apple juice
A few slices of banana
1 tsp. of flaxseed
Small spinach leaf
How to make it:
Throw all the ingredients into a blender (except the flaxseed and spinach leaf, add those after) and mix well. Serve immediately in a stainless steel dish, or chill for an hour in the fridge for a cooler treat. Sprinkle with crushed flaxseed and small spinach leaf.
Courtesy of raiseagreendog.com.
Dog-Food Accessories
Now that you have all that great new dog food, you can’t just serve it in a plain old dog dish, can you? Why not look into some fancier canine tableware.
•Talking dog-food bowl. Imagine the sound of your voice coaching your dog through his meal: “Good boy, clean your plate, you’re such a good eater . . .”
•Raised bowl. Why should your dog eat from an ordinary bowl when he can eat from a raised replica of a medieval goblet?
•Dishes embedded in reclaimed wood. High design meets green consciousness.
•Dog placemats. Because yes paper just won’t do.
•Wine glass and plates. So your dog can eat at the table with you.
•Interactive feeder. Your dog has to turn wheels or open sliding doors to get the food, which is fun, challenging, and makes him eat more slowly.
•The Membo. Kind of like a pill minder for dog food, so you don’t feed Fido twice or not at all.
•Drinking fountain. Sleekly designed water fountain that encourages dogs to drink more.
•Dog-treat launcher. Why stop at delicious when you can have fun and delicious?
The Pudgy Puppy
All this good eating has created a doggie weight problem, with one study claiming more than half of dogs are overweight or obese. And it’s all our fault says the top expert in the field.
“Legions of dogs are trained that every time they go outside and fake a potty movement, they come back in and get food,” says Dr. Ernie Ward, founder and president of the Association for Pet Obesity Prevention and author of Chow Hounds: Why Our Dogs Are Getting Fatter. “It’s dessert for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for our pets.”
Letting your dog get fat can have negative consequences for more than just his health: one couple was convicted of animal cruelty for letting their Lab balloon to twice his normal weight, which made it difficult for him to stand up and caused breathing problems.
So how do your battle your dog’s bulge? The only thing that works, according to Dr. Ward, is the same kind of regimen that feels all too familiar from our own weight struggles: higher-protein, lower-fat, lower-carb food combined with more exercise. But don’t expect your dog to like going on a diet any more than you do.
“When you start cutting the calories, dogs crave sugary starchy foods and they’re going to start begging.”
If desperate, you might want to resort to one of these new doggie weight-loss products.
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�Doggie diet pill—Slentrol by Pfizer
•Low-carb dog food and treats
•Low-fat pig-ear dog chews
•Feeder that automates portion control
•Dog treadmills and treadwheels
CRAZY? Fat Camp for Dogs
Several pet resorts and care centers around the country are advertising fat camps (yup, they’re calling them that) for dogs, with a low-calorie food regimen, plenty of exercise, and even fitness challenges to crown the Biggest (Weight) Losers, both dog and owner.
Sssssh. Don’t tell him it’s not a bone.
Dogs as food
Dog has been eaten as emergency food in many areas of the world throughout history, but today its consumption is largely confined to a handful of Asian countries with strong dog-eating traditions.
Dogmeat is a delicacy that’s often on the party menu in North Vietnam, where restaurants specializing in barbecued dog are especially popular at the end of each lunar month when dining on dog is believed to purge bad luck.
In Korea, where one in three people have reportedly eaten dogmeat, 2 million dogs are still eaten every year. Eating dogs is believed to increase energy and virility. But only mutts are on the menu: people balk at the idea of consuming purebred pups.
Called “fragrant meat” in China, dog eating dates back thousands of years and has long been popular in winter months as dogmeat was thought to increase body warmth. But as the popularity of dogs as pets increases in China, there’s a growing outcry against dogs as dinner.
Protesters put a stop to a six-hundred-year-old dog-eating festival in China last year. Fifteen thousand dogs had been slaughtered annually for the feast in Qianxi, commemorating a battle fought in the town, but the feast was recently banned after a social media outcry.
And while dog stealing has long been a danger in countries where dogs are eaten—an average-size animal can sell for $100, which can easily equal a monthly salary—animal rights vigilantes have in recent years foiled dognappers and set trapped animals free. In China last year, two hundred dog lovers waylaid a truck containing more than five hundred dogs en route to the meat factory and paid off the driver $17,000 to release the animals.
The rescued dogs were then taken to a local animal shelter, where they lived happily ever after. Or something.
CRAZY about your dog or just CRAZY
Traveling ten miles to the grocery store that stocks the canned duck liver your dog adores.
Hand grating carrots to bake the vegan muffin treats you wish your dog adored—but that you end up eating yourself.
Using expensive-but-delicious gourmet treats to train your pet.
Plying him with so many expensive-but-delicious gourmet treats that you then need to put him on a diet.
Taking up running with your dog to help you both lose weight.
Buying a treadmill so he can run on it while you watch the football game.
The Well Dog
Pet owners spend more than $13 billion a year on veterinary bills, with dog owners averaging $655 a year in vet bills, up 47 percent in the past decade, according to the American Pet Products Association.
While regular vet visits are down for dogs, more dog owners are buying health insurance, which costs anywhere from $5 to more than $75 a month.
Some of the increased expense is for preventative care procedures and treatments not available until recently. These include:
Dog flu shots. While dog flu was only first reported in 2004, there’s already a shot for that, at $35.
Melanoma vaccine. Lucky dogs. There are virtually no cancer vaccines for people, but the therapeutic drug Oncept helps prevent melanoma in dogs, who contract it the same way people do, from sun exposure.
Stem cell therapy. Ethics laws give dogs another advantage with stem cell therapy, being used on canines to treat arthritis.
Personalized medicine. Treatment based on your dog’s individual genetic profile may not be here yet, but it will be within the next twenty years, theorized one doctor. The Georgie Project at the University of Utah is working on canine genetic disease mapping.
Birth control. Chemspay for female dogs is still a decade from production, while male dog birth control Neutersol was approved in 2005 but is not available in the United States because of a manufacturing dispute.
Laser surgery. It’s a little more expensive, but lasers simplify such routine surgeries as spaying, neutering, and declawing for dogs.
Paternity testing. A UK service is about to start offering paternity testing for dogs, along with other DNA tests for diseases and breeding.
Prosthetics. Vets are working on advanced prosthetic legs for dogs and are also developing implants that fuse metal rods to the animal’s own bones and attach them to an artificial paw.
Blood donors. An online service lets you register your pet to be a donor or to seek a blood donation.
Multivitamins. There are canine vitamins on the market for everything from joint pain to memory to anxiety. They sell well, but do they work? As conclusively as they do for humans.
Ten Crazy Things to Keep in Your Dog’s Medicine Cabinet
1. Dog breath spray.
2. Peanut butter–flavored toothpaste.
3. Hot pants, for the dog in heat.
4. Pills that make your dog stop eating poop. How do they work? Who cares, as long as they do.
5. Master blaster high-speed dog hair dryer.
6. Dog Appeasing Pheromone (DAP) spray or plug-in that mimics the pheromone produced by a nursing mother dog and eases separation anxiety.
7. Disposable pet wipes—different types for eyes, ears, nose, paws, body.
8. Stop-snoring oral spray.
9. Anxiety-calming body wrap.
10. Patches that claim to enhance energy, ease dementia, aid detox.
CRAZY? Patch the Pot-Loving Pup
Medical marijuana for dogs? Yes, and they don’t have to smoke the stuff either. A Seattle company called Medical Marijuana Delivery Systems is marketing a pot patch for pups. The only catch is that your dog can’t qualify as a patient under the law, so you’ll have to apply to state licensing authorities for certification—and yeah, you and your dog can share the stuff.
Alternative Therapies for Dogs
Conventional medical treatments may be new and improved and growing for dogs, but so are alternative therapies. Some options now available for pets:
Homeopathy. Homeopathy works in dogs the same way it does in humans: by administering remedies in highly concentrated form that taken at higher volume would cause the illness they aim to cure.
Chiropractic therapy. Dog chiropractors manipulate and adjust the animal’s spine to ease muscle pains and skeletal misalignment, but also purport to open up “blocked energy flow.”
Herbal teas. A company called the Honest Kitchen makes herbal teas especially for pets, preferable to giving your dog the same tea you brew for yourself, which may make him ill. Safer: use herbal tea as a doggie hair rinse.
Acupuncture and acupressure. Dog acupuncture and acupressure is said by some to have remarkable results on dogs in pain, dogs suffering from arthritis and other signs of aging, and may help a range of other health and emotional problems as well.
Massage. Canine massage developed in the 1990s and now is practiced by everyone from groomers to doggie resort workers to owners themselves. But more serious massage therapy can at least ease the symptoms of dog arthritis, a common problem, and most dogs love the attention.
Reiki. Reiki practitioners move their hands above the dog’s body, sending healing energy vibrations to the animal. While such vibrations have not been scientifically shown to exist, reiki may relax your pet—though it’s hard to imagine how dog reiki via phone, another option, could be beneficial.
Yoga. YogaDogz is a hilar
ious international phenomena produced by photographer Dan Borris—but it’s mostly not real. Borris uses Photoshop to create his, well, downward dogs. And while there are yoga classes for dogs and their humans, by most reports the dogs don’t like them very much.
Get the Condoms and the Squirt Gun, Stat
In an emergency, dog site pawnation.com recommends using common household items for doggie first aid. But do you know which household item works as which medical implement? See if you can match the item in column A to the function in column B.
Household Item First Aid Function
1. Cookie sheet.
a. Put eye back in socket.
2. Canned pumpkin.
b. Work as a muzzle.
3. Condoms.
c. Soothe shock.
4. Hydrogen peroxide.
d. Perform acupuncture.
5. Karo syrup or honey.
e. Protect injured or bleeding paw.
6. K-Y Jelly.
f. Treat constipation and diarrhea.
7. Pliers.
g. Administer medicine.
8. Pantyhose.
h. Function as stretcher.
9. Safety pin.
i. Remove porcupine quills.
10. Squirt gun.
j. Prompt vomiting.
Key: 1, h; 2, f; 3, e; 4, j; 5, c; 6, a; 7, i; 8, b; 9, d; 10, g
CRAZY? Pooper Snoopers
An apartment complex is tracking down poop scoop scofflaws using DNA analysis of the evidence.
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