by Lynn Kelling
I wish Luka was here.
I wish I had my damn gun.
I wish Jimmy never found me.
I wish they’d left me to rot in that field.
Small and hushed, right by the bedside, a low, familiar voice asked somewhat fearfully, “Evan?”
Brennan hesitated, lingered, then lay down behind Evan’s turned back, spooning there. “Evan?”
Fingertips brushed gently back through the hair at Evan’s temple and down to the nape of his neck. It was the only point of contact between them. Brennan stayed a breath away; heat radiated from him, reaching out toward Evan. Brennan hadn’t touched Evan like that in weeks. It felt like an apology, like Brennan’s attempt at making some amends for staying away for so long. The only problem was, most of Evan had receded too far into himself to care.
But then, Brennan started to speak, very softly and right from the heart. Between them, formless, was Evan’s darkness and the possibility for ruin. Evan could sense how he had caused Brennan heartache. Sounding scared to the bone, Brennan tried to reach his brother.
“When I got really sad about Mom being sick, and afraid of losing her, she’d sing to me or just talk to me about whatever was on her mind—things she remembered from her childhood, the weather, our noisy neighbors, or a flower she saw growing in the garden. She’d hold me and just hearing her voice like that really made me feel better. It made me feel like she was really there with me, like I wasn’t alone. Sometimes even now, I feel like if I’m really quiet and listen hard enough, I can still hear her voice telling me to stop moping around and live my damn life already. So I just….” The back of his bent index finger dragged lightly down the back of Evan’s neck, right over the ridges of his spine, before pulling away. “I don’t know. You mean more to me than anything. You’re at least as important to me as she was and I’m not going to shut you out just because you hurt my feelings over a guy. Because that’s just stupid. Especially when I can, like, feel how much pain you’re in. I really can feel you, even when I’m trying not to. Maybe I’ve gotten too afraid again, for you. I was so scared for Mom for so long, then I had these reasons to be scared for you, and I couldn’t fight it. I just was. And it didn’t help you at all and I’m sorry for that.”
Evan reached back for Brennan’s arm. Finding it, he drew it around himself. Brennan, for a second, twitched away, afraid of making contact with Evan’s ribs. But it only lasted a moment. He let Evan lead and gave in to the embrace, sighing as his hand flattened, palming Evan’s chest. It settled both of them, made it all a little easier.
Brennan shifted forward, molding their bodies together completely for the first time in a long time, breaking some of the spell keeping them apart. Evan pulled Brennan’s arm even tighter, even closer, but still couldn’t bring himself to say a word.
After a while, Brennan said, “I make a mean macaroni and cheese if you want some. Interested? I mean, it’s not like I’m doing you any favors. I was going to make up a batch anyway. And I’m fully capable of spoon-feeding it to you and taking blackmail pictures of the whole thing for later if you don’t fucking say something already.”
Evan was surprised into a small laugh. “Fine. You win.”
“Ah, the sweet taste of victory.”
Brennan shifted away, sitting up and got off of the bed. He crossed the room and paused before leaving. Taking the stuffed ‘Get Well Soon’ bear he had bought for Evan when he was in the hospital from atop the dresser where Evan had placed it, Brennan brought it to Evan and tucked it into his now-empty arms.
Evan shot Brennan a look of pure wonderment, but hugged the bear to his chest after Brennan walked away.
The steaming, incredible-smelling bowl of pasta was hand-delivered to Evan’s bed. The brothers sat there, cross-legged and facing each other on the bed. Brennan smiled when Evan began to eat the food he’d prepared, with the teddy bear tucked protectively next to his side. Filling the quiet between them, Brennan told Evan about his latest progress in his search of good nursing programs in the area, as well as classes he could take online towards his certification.
“There’s a school about forty minutes from here and I think that’s my first choice. I could commute from here and it’s a two-year program so I’d be done pretty quickly. Mercy General would be where I’d try to find a position. After spending a couple of days there, I kind of got the flavor of the place. Seems like something I’d really like. Maybe sometimes I could volunteer at the clinic downtown, too. The next semester doesn’t begin until after the holidays, but registration already started, so I’ve gotta get my ass in gear. I, um… I’d probably need a car, if I was going to be doing all of that driving. Maybe you could help me with that?”
Evan glanced up when he felt Brennan’s pointed stare. For the most part, Evan’s eyes had been on his food, and it was one of the first times they had made eye contact. There was so much conveyed between them in that moment, but rather quickly, apologetic angst shifted to simple, unadulterated affection.
“Yeah. I can help.”
“Thanks.”
The tension was still there. Part of Evan wanted to throttle Brennan for being so nice to him when he should have been pissed off. Maybe Brennan thought Evan would feel better for voicing his feelings, but he didn’t push. Each moment, every passing second, felt like a step in the right direction. Being with Brennan, with all of the truth laid out bare, no secrets, no reason to hide, felt like a small miracle. Brennan’s company did fill the empty places for Evan, as hard as it was to believe and as easy as it was to forget when they did spend time apart. Slowly, too slowly, the darkness lifted. The dread dispersed. Everything that felt wrong began to feel right again. Hope sparked.
“Do you like it?”
“Sure. Beats the instant kind.”
“Good. You going to work tomorrow?”
Evan shrugged.
“You should let Mike know what’s going on before he fires you or something.”
“He wouldn’t fire me,” Evan mumbled. “But I guess I can call him.”
“Will you let me take a look at your side?”
Raising an eyebrow, Evan hesitated and gave Brennan a doubtful glance.
“Please.”
“I’m fine.”
“Maybe I don’t believe you.”
Evan stabbed a few noodles and popped them into his mouth. Picking through what was left in his bowl, his expression soured and, eventually, he said, “Will you get off my back about it if I agree to this?”
“Yeah.”
Evan set the food aside and turned his face away from Brennan when he shifted closer.
“Sit up straight. Lift your shirt.”
“Why?”
Brennan gave him an exasperated look. Evan rolled his eyes, tugging up his t-shirt on one side, just enough to bare the area by his healing ribs. When Brennan pushed the fabric up farther for a better look, his fingers feeling for tender spots, watching Evan’s face for his reaction and signs of pain, a dark red, small, circular bruise was also revealed just underneath Evan’s pectoral muscle. Brennan touched it gingerly with the fingertips of his left hand as his right continued to move over Evan’s ribs.
“That’s not—” Evan started, trying to pull his shirt back down.
“I know what it is. That’s why you didn’t want me to look, isn’t it?”
Evan didn’t respond.
“Does this hurt at all?”
Brennan pressed harder at Evan’s side, and saw his jaw clench. “A little. It’s not a big deal.”
“Are you lying?”
“I don’t know, Bren. Am I? You tell me if you know so much.”
Brennan’s hand fell away. Evan yanked down his shirt and folded his arms.
“Why can’t you just be mad at me like a normal person? Don’t you know it makes it worse when you do this? I betrayed you and you’re making me lunch and worried about if I hurt myself while your boyfriend was fucking me and I just can’t take it! Just be mad! Yell at me! Tell me
off! Hit me! Something!”
“No,” Brennan said softly, shaking his head. “I won’t. Sorry.”
“’Cause you’re so much better than me, right? You’ve got it all figured out. That’d make sense, wouldn’t it? Because I’ve got absolutely nothing figured out so, you know, it all balances.”
“No, I know that’s what you like to think, Evan, but that’s not reality. I just refuse to hurt you anymore because you hurt yourself plenty. I’m not going to make it worse for you.”
“Can’t you just screw up once? Just once? And not be so fucking perfect all the time?”
“I’m not perfect, Evan! I’m really kind of flattered you see me like that, but I’m not. I wasn’t perfect when I pushed us into having sex, when I snuck in here that night and took advantage of you when you were half asleep. I knew you’d let me do it, that it would be easy to get you to go along with it once we started going in that direction. When Luka told me his first was Alek, I wanted that, too, with you. I wanted you to be my first, and I didn’t ask or talk to you about it like I should have. I just took it from you, and you know what? Luka almost broke up with me over it.
“I don’t blame him, either. Maybe he should have. That morning, after our run, he was ready to break it off because he knew what I did, and why I did it. He saw through me. He saw how selfish my motives were, and now that I think about it, that was the first time I started to suspect he was seriously falling for you. He loved you even then. But I mean, fuck, Evan! Alek forced Luka into having sex with him, and at least Alek had the excuse of being high and being led into it by someone else. There is no excuse for what I did. No wonder Luka wanted to end it! I was reenacting with you the very thing that’s haunted him for years, without really hearing what he was trying to warn me about. And the guilt I’ve been carrying around over that—for you and for Luka. I pretty much pushed you two together. I did it. That’s why I’m not mad, okay?”
“You asked permission,” Evan insisted, quickly getting upset. He was surprised by his tears and the way his chest tightened. “You asked and I said yes. You didn’t force anything.”
“No? How about when I held you down and kissed you when you begged me to let you go?”
“You do realize I could have stopped you if I really wanted to, right? You’re strong, but not that strong. I was scared of being attracted to you, and what you would think of me when you found out how attracted to you I am, but it’s not like I was afraid of what you would do to me. I was into it. I thought that was pretty clear with my boner poking you in the ass. The reason I let you lead those times is because I got off on it. How you held me down, how much you wanted me that night. It was hot. We’re not Alek and Luka. We’re different. You never forced yourself on me, Bren, I just let you top. I wanted you to top me like that. Kinda wish you would force yourself on me. I really miss you, but I thought you regretted the whole thing, us hooking up.”
“No,” Brennan sighed. “The only thing I regretted was the way I went about it. I guess I was just stuck in my own head for a while, plus I agreed with Alek it was better to let you recover and give you space instead of making your injuries worse. It was easier to not be with you at all than to be really close to you but not be able to have you. Now that I see how much it upset you, if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t have stayed away. I miss you, too, but it’s hard to accept you’re okay already, especially when you don’t seem okay. But if you say you’re ready, I believe you.”
“Trust me, I’m ready,” Evan assured him. “Whatever you want when it comes to you and me, go for it. I like when you take control. Consider this my formal permission from now until eternity, okay?”
They each took a breath, savoring an understanding too long in coming.
“We should have talked about this earlier,” Brennan said softly, with regret.
“Ya think?”
“I have no idea why I turn into such a toppy bastard around you, or how you bring that out of me,” Brennan wondered. “It’s so weird. You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to overpower like that. Every time I think about you, I want to get inside you.”
“Good. ‘Cause I want you to be there. I can’t believe Luka almost broke up with you over me.”
“He was pissed. Got all protective of you. I guess him and Alek have that whole ‘possessive’ thing in common. Maybe we were just misreading each other, too. Luka thought I was a careless jerk with you, and that never went completely away, so when he saw his chance to have you instead, he took it. Seems like he never forgave me completely.”
“No, I don’t agree with that. He’s not replacing you. He loves you more than ever, it’s just… complicated. Can you at least admit what he and I did yesterday upset you?”
“Yeah, it upset me. I’m kind of really angry, jealous, and turned on all at the same time.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Brennan said hesitantly, “You should talk to Jimmy. I think he’s been giving you as much space as he can, just like me and Alek were, but he’s still really worried. He calls me every day for updates on how you are, since you never take his calls.”
“He’s only worried because he suspects shit.”
“Maybe. He still deserves to know you’re okay. Are you okay?”
Evan laughed softly, tiredly. “I’m gettin’ there.”
Smiling gratefully, he held out an opened hand. Brennan laid his hand on top and smiled back when Evan held on tightly.
Luka answered the phone sounding startled and concerned. “Brennan? Is everything all right?”
“Yeah. Guess I’m the last person you were expecting to call, and how much does that suck?”
“Bren,” Luka sighed, sounding heartbroken.
“No. I don’t wanna get into it. I just wanted to tell you Evan wants to see you if you can stop by after work. He wouldn’t call you himself to ask, because he thinks it’d hurt my feelings, so yeah. That’s why I called. You should stop by.”
“Brennan, I am so sorry for hurting you. I love you so much. Please give me a chance to—” Luka started.
Brennan cut him off sharply. “Don’t.”
There was a deep sigh and a pause. When he next spoke, Luka’s voice was audibly strained, like he was fighting not to sound like he was crying. Brennan hoped he was. “I guess it must be bad if you’re calling. Should I try to get out early? Are you really worried about him?”
“Well, we did talk. He seems better. He had a scary look earlier. It’s gone now, but he’s still not himself. I was… yeah, okay, I was really worried this morning when he just blew off work and laid in bed for hours, but we’re cool, me and Evan. I can tell he misses you, though.”
“Uh, but… Alek… not like it can get any worse with him, but he might literally kill me if he finds me over there.”
“He might, yeah. Guess you have to make the call as far as your priorities go. I made mine.”
At that, Brennan hung up and muted the phone when it started ringing seconds later.
Chapter 10
Best Intentions
Luka was not someone easily dissuaded from making a stupid decision just because it might turn out badly. If he had enough incentive to try, he’d go for it. It had, mostly, not steered him wrong thus far. It was what got him and Alek together, sexually-speaking, and kept the spark between them burning for so long. If it had been purely Alek’s call, they might have left off fucking each other years ago, chalking it up to an unusually bumpy journey through adolescence. Luka’s deep-seated need for affection, much more than only a strictly-brotherly relationship and casual sex with other people could ever provide, drove him on.
It was also what got him Brennan, running after him after only a glance. Luka saw something in Brennan that he craved, so he latched onto it and asked Brennan out. On their date he defied everything his body and heart was screaming for—to give in to what Brennan wanted and fool around, no strings attached—and instead followed another n
onsensical impulse by saying they should wait and get to know each other first. That was a good decision, because it was probably why Luka had been with Brennan for so long. It could’ve, would’ve been a one-night stand, but it wasn’t. Luka was incredibly grateful for that and now he didn’t intend to let Brennan go, even if he had to fight to keep him.
Of course, Luka’s impulsiveness was what landed Luka and Evan in their current situation of having upset their boyfriends and brothers. Luka went for it with Evan because that was the kind of person he was—act first, following his heart, and deal with the consequences later. As bad as things seemed to be with Alek and Brennan, Luka had faith it would all turn out okay if he continued to go with his gut instinct. This was mostly because when Luka acted, he typically acted with good intentions.
Alek had some of this same quality too, but it was tempered by his slightly more substantial inherent wariness. The impulse to act foolishly was always there, and sometimes he did, when persuaded by intoxicants, whether chemical or human in nature. But the disposition of his other half, Luka, called for Alek to be more logical, more responsible, when Luka wasn’t or couldn’t. Always being together, leaning on each other to pick up the slack when one of them fell, got them through whatever tough times came their way. It had always been the way they’d survived and Luka couldn’t imagine his life working any differently in the future.
When Luka got the call from Brennan, he saw a flicker of hope not only to be around Evan and help him in some way, but also to possibly get to work things out with Brennan. It didn’t matter that Alek was angry with Luka. Temporary upset, no matter how severe, could never sever the bond connecting them. So, Luka did what was in his nature to do. He acted. He finished his shift restlessly, driving Presley crazy in the process, with one eye on the clock when both eyes should have been firmly fixed on the clients he was supposed to be training.
Luka muddled through. After a few near-miss accidents—including someone almost dropping a barbell on himself when Luka didn’t spot him as well as he should have—he tried a little harder to pay attention to his job despite his impatience. He had called out sick the previous day to be with Evan and couldn’t pull the same disappearing act two days in a row.