by Mel Gough
Sorry, Donnie’s message simply read.
Ben sent off the electronic report to the central incidence bank, from which the grunt work would be delegated to more junior officers. Then he took his phone and walked out into the parking lot, to find a secluded spot off to one side of the station building. There he dialed Donnie’s number.
“Ben.” There was the sound of an engine in the background on Donnie’s end.
“No driving and talking on the phone,” Ben said before he could stop himself.
Muffled sounds of brakes that needed checking, then a sudden silence as the engine cut off. “I stopped.” Donnie sounded exhausted.
Ben rubbed his eyes, fighting the urge to get into his car and go after Donnie. “Listen…”
But Donnie interrupted him. “I’m sorry. Shouldn’t just have come like this. It’s just, I…” He broke off dejectedly.
Ben gave a sigh. “I get it, buddy. You’re worried about your brother. Never mind what he did. Kin is still kin. You did the right thing to come in.”
There was silence at the other end, then, “‘I’m scared, Ben.”
“Of Floyd coming back?”
“Yeah…and him not coming back, as well. It’s stupid…”
“No, it’s not stupid.” Ben had a sudden longing to hold Donnie tight and take away some of this despondency that was so hard to bear. But, right now, that just wasn’t possible. “Listen, I got to take Laura tonight, and all day tomorrow. But I can come to you Monday?”
“I’m going back to the daycare Monday. Come to meeting? Ya really should, ya know. Ya haven’t been all week.”
Ben didn’t think Donnie was ready yet to go back to work with the little ones. He hadn’t looked at all well just now, and the kids would take no heed of broken ribs. But he didn’t say anything. Donnie was a grown man. He didn’t need lecturing. And Ben was touched that Donnie worried about him missing the AA meetings.
“Alright, I’ll be there Monday. Go home and rest now, I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. Thanks, Ben, for everything…”
“My pleasure. Speak later.”
“Bye, Ben.”
Ben hung up, staring across the parking lot, unseeing. There was definitely something Donnie wasn’t telling him about Floyd. It had to be important, or it wouldn’t scare Donnie so. Ben hated the fact that he had no idea how he could get at the truth without making Donnie even more miserable.
Chapter Nine
OVER THE NEXT week, Ben went into Atlanta as often as his schedule allowed. Donnie’s eyes lit up each time he saw Ben come through the door, and they chatted a little over coffee after every meeting. But Donnie didn’t give Ben any indication that he would like them to get together again. Ben was disappointed but tried to give Donnie space. They hardly knew each other yet, and Donnie had a lot on his plate already. Maybe if Ben could suggest going somewhere that didn’t sound like a date? But as much as he racked his brains, nothing appropriate came to mind.
Ben also grew more and more worried about Donnie. He looked tired and pale every time Ben saw him. The swellings on his face were still very noticeable, and it took a long time for the bruising to start to fade.
On Thursday, Helen temporarily swept Donnie from Ben’s mind. She came into the kitchen early in the morning while Ben was drinking coffee, trying to dispel the remnants of a confused and unsettling dream he couldn’t quite remember.
“I’m taking Laura to my parents for a few weeks. I need to get away from everything for a bit.”
It was like someone had punched him in the stomach. Ben tried to draw breath but found he barely could. He was seeing stars, and his heart was being ripped from his chest. “Don’t…” His voice faltered and he had to try again. “Don’t do this, Helen. Don’t take her away from me.”
Helen’s eyes were sad and a little desperate. “Ben, I swear, I’m not trying to keep her from you. You’re a good dad. But I need some distance, to figure out what I want to do next, and she can’t stay here with you. You’ve got work, and this is all very unsettling for her. We’ll talk, every day, if you want. I promise, Ben, I’m not trying to deceive you.”
Ben nodded slowly, still feeling numb but a little reassured nevertheless. Helen wasn’t a liar, and she didn’t play games. If she said she needed to get away to clear her head, then that was what was going on. And this situation was as hard on her as it was on him.
Ben tried to collect his thoughts and asked as calmly as he could, “When are you going?”
“Tomorrow. I’ve made preparations, but I don’t want to sneak away. I want to go with your blessing.”
Tears were stinging Ben’s eyes. “You’ve got it, Helen.”
So Ben saw Helen and Laura off on Friday morning. He smiled and waved as the car grew smaller and smaller. He’d fought hard not to cry in front of his daughter and was already thinking longingly of the AA meeting after work. Ever since Helen’s startling announcement the day before the desire to head for the nearest liquor store had been steadily growing stronger.
THAT NIGHT, SETTLING into the familiarity of the meeting was a relief. Donnie snuck in after Arthur had already started the serenity prayer and sat down next to Ben at the back of the room.
He gave Ben a frown as he looked him over. “Ya okay?” he whispered, and Ben nodded, trying for a smile. Donnie shifted in his seat until his leg was touching Ben’s, and Ben was grateful for the small gesture. He looked fondly at Donnie’s profile but then frowned. He looked awful. His face was very white, and there were dark shadows under his eyes. Ben found it hard to concentrate on the speakers all throughout the meeting.
After Arthur led them in the prayer again, Donnie turned to Ben. “Hey, listen…” But then he stopped, unsettled. “Why ya looking at me like this?”
“Donnie, you feeling okay?” Ben asked. “You’re really pale.”
Donnie shrugged. “Yeah, it’s fine, just tired. I’m not sleeping so well, what with—” He stopped, looking fleetingly uneasy. It was obviously his missing brother that kept Donnie awake at night. But then Donnie gave himself a shake and continued, “Look, I was wondering. If yer free tomorrow… some kid’s dad had spare tix for the Braves. Ya wanna go?”
A bubble of happiness pushed away the gloomy thoughts in Ben’s mind. “I sure wanna go! Pick you up around noon?”
“Yeah, that works,” Donnie said, eyes bright with happiness. “Gotta catch Arthur now. I’ll see ya tomorrow!” And with a quick wave, he hurried to the front of the room.
As Donnie talked earnestly with Arthur, Ben leaned back in his seat, amazed. Look at that. And I’ve been trying so hard to find something to do that wasn’t a date. I should’ve thought of baseball!
“HERE WE ARE,” Ben said, grinning at Donnie nervously. The other man gave him a quick smile. This really wasn’t a date, Ben had almost convinced himself. A baseball game was definitely an activity two guys could enjoy together without it having deeper significance.
Then why did it feel so much like a date?
“Do you want a pretzel? Or a hot dog? Soda?” Ben asked.
Donnie shook his head. “Nah, I’m good.”
“Alright. I think I’ll get a Coke.”
“That’s our seats,” Donnie said and handed Ben the tickets. “I’ll meet ya there.”
He quickly walked toward the restrooms. Ben frowned after him. They hadn’t talked much on the drive into the city. Donnie had raised an eyebrow when Ben switched on the country music station, but hadn’t commented. At first, Ben had assumed it was just their nervousness that was making them shy around each other. Now he wasn’t so sure. Donnie had looked more and more pale as they’d sped down the interstate and, toward the end had shifted around in his seat as if in discomfort. Something definitely wasn’t right with him.
The line at the concession stand was long, and it took Ben a while to buy his soda. When he got to their seats, Donnie was already waiting.
“You okay?” Ben asked, seeing that Donnie had gone a
shade paler still. Donnie nodded, quailing under Ben’s scrutiny.
“I know squat about baseball,” he said. Ben took the hint. Donnie didn’t want to discuss whatever was making him feel under the weather.
“Same,” Ben said with a grin. “Just about all I know is that there are nine innings.”
Donnie nodded. “And they sing a song halfway through the sixth.”
“The seventh,” Ben corrected automatically. When Donnie quirked an eyebrow in surprise, he added, “Laura, my daughter. She’s a big fan. Plays on her school team, too. She’s pretty good, actually. I go to their games and pretend I know what’s going on.”
Donnie’s smile was a little wistful, but his eyes twinkled with warmth. “A tomboy, huh? Bet yer real proud.”
“I am,” Ben said, smiling. “She’s tougher than any of the boys on the team. I hope you’ll get to meet her soon.”
Donnie’s eyes were sparkling now. For a moment, it was like they were all alone in the bleachers. “I’d really like that,” he said quietly. Then the umpire called Play! and both men turned their attention to the field.
As the crowd got more and more caught up by what Ben assumed had to be an exciting game, he let himself relax. Slumping a little in his seat, his leg was soon touching Donnie’s, and Donnie didn’t draw away. Donnie never directly looked at him, but several times, quick flicks of indigo flitted in Ben’s direction.
At some point during the third inning, Donnie suddenly nudged Ben. “What’s he doing?” Ben followed Donnie’s gaze and grinned. Several rows below, a portly man wearing a Boonie hat was furiously scribbling in a notebook.
“I think he’s counting.”
“Counting?” Donnie said, confused.
“You know, game statistics. Batting averages, runs…” Ben caught Donnie’s look of incomprehension and chuckled. “Some people get a kick out of that stuff.”
“Weird shit.” Donnie shook his head in wonderment, then shrugged. “Guess everyone needs a hobby.” He gave Ben a small grin. Ben suddenly wanted to ask Donnie all about his hobbies and what he liked to do in his time off, but then decided now was not the moment. They had plenty of time to get to know each other.
When the umpire stopped the game after the first half of the seventh inning, Ben stood up. “Can I get you something now? I’m famished, I think I’ll get a hot dog.”
Donnie shook his head. His left hand had wandered onto his stomach, but when he realized that Ben had seen, he quickly dropped it to his side. “Nah, thanks, Ben.”
“You sure? Ice cream, maybe? Or candy? Something for that sweet tooth?” Before he could think about it twice, Ben winked at Donnie, feeling both excited and foolish at his clumsy attempt to flirt.
Donnie blushed and started chewing his lip. Then he grinned. “Oh, alright. Get me an ice cream? Something with chocolate.”
“You got it.”
Ben went up the steps to the concession stand and joined the long line of hungry baseball fans. As they shuffled forward slowly, Ben found he didn’t mind the wait. He let his mind wander back to Donnie. He was enjoying the time they were spending together a lot, even if they were still a little awkward around each other. It was really nice to sit so close to Donnie, and brush against him now and then without it being obvious. The opportunity to buy the other man a treat made Ben feel oddly happy.
When he made his way back to their seats with Donnie’s ice cream bar in one hand and a hot dog for himself in the other, he saw Donnie emerge from the restrooms a little way ahead. Donnie didn’t notice him and was back in his seat by the time Ben returned. Ben was really getting concerned at how gray his face was looking. But he said nothing. Talking about whatever was wrong was clearly making Donnie uncomfortable.
“Here you go,” was all he said as he handed Donnie the ice cream. Donnie unwrapped the chocolate and vanilla bar and started to nibble it as the last chords of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” faded away and the game resumed. Ben ignored the game and kept his eyes on Donnie. When he had finished his hot dog, Ben crumpled up the cardboard container and turned around to face him.
“Listen,” he said gently, indicating the hardly eaten ice cream in Donnie’s hand. “You don’t need to finish that if you don’t feel like it.”
Donnie looked at him, eyes miserable. His shoulders slumped. “Sorry, Ben,” he said very quietly.
“Not your fault that you aren’t feeling well.” Ben considered for a moment. “Let’s go, shall we?”
“What about the game?”
Ben shrugged. “Neither of us even knows what’s going on down there, and frankly, I don’t care.”
Donnie nodded, looking relieved. They got up and filed out of the bleachers past the grumbling people on whose feet they were treading, then discarded the hot dog wrapper and uneaten ice cream into a trash can before exiting the stadium.
On the drive back to Corinth, Donnie kept his gaze trained out of the window, seeming to fight his eyes sliding shut. Ben longed to tell him that it was okay for him to nap a little if he wanted but couldn’t work up the courage.
But when they stopped outside the Saunders’s house, he put his hand on Donnie’s arm before the other man could open the door. “Do you want me to take you to a doctor, Donnie? You really don’t look good.” He ignored Donnie’s surprise and embarrassment, trying not to feel guilty as he held on to the other man’s denim jacket. He was starting to really like Donnie, and he wanted to help.
But Donnie shook his head. “Nah, it’s okay. Just need an early night. Thanks for today, Ben. I’ll see ya soon.” And before Ben could stop him or say anything in response, Donnie had clambered from the car and was walking up the path to the house, not looking back.
Ben sat for several minutes after Donnie had disappeared inside, torn between his concern and respecting Donnie’s wish to be alone. Then, with a sigh, he turned the car around and drove home, trying to ignore the feeling of unease that was gnawing away at his gut.
Chapter Ten
BEN’S CELL RANG at two in the morning. With Helen and Laura away, it was better to keep the phone on at night, just in case.
The penetrating ring had Ben wide awake immediately, and he sat up with a jolt, rubbing his face. Nobody would call him at this time unless it was an emergency. When he glanced at the display, he saw that it wasn’t Helen’s number, but Donnie’s.
Heart hammering, Ben took the call. “Hey, Donnie. What’s up?”
“Ben…”
Donnie’s voice was breathless even on just his name, and Ben was out of bed before the other man could say anything else. “What’s happened, Donnie? Has Floyd come back?”
“No, it’s…. Ben, I’m feeling real bad. I’m sorry I woke ya up…”
“Never mind that. What’s wrong?”
“My stomach, it hurts so…so much.” There was a groan on the other end of the line.
“D’you want me to call an ambulance?”
“No, but…Ben…”
“I’m coming, buddy. Hang tight, I’ll be there soon.” Ben had already wriggled into his pants, phone clamped between ear and shoulder, and was now stepping into his shoes.
“Okay, Ben. Thanks…”
“Sure thing. See you in a few minutes.”
BEN HAD TO wait a frighteningly long time for Donnie to open the door. He sighed with relief when he heard the sound of footsteps, but then his worry grew at how slow and halting they were.
The key turned in the lock and the door swung open. Ben only barely got a glimpse of Donnie’s waxy pale face before the other man doubled over with a whimper, pressing a hand hard on his stomach. Ben quickly put his arms around Donnie, who swayed alarmingly and seemed on the verge of fainting.
“Donnie, what in hell is going on?” Ben supported him back into the house and kicked the front door shut.
“D-dunno. It hurts…so bad…” Donnie gave another whimper, and the hand not pressing on his stomach flew to his mouth. Ben did his best to hurry them into the bathroom, where
Donnie dropped down hard, already gagging. Ben kneeled down next to him and put a hand on his shaking, sweaty back, and when Donnie’s arms began to tremble from the effort of supporting himself against the rim of the toilet, Ben did his best to hold him up. When he finally stopped retching, Ben pulled him close and let him lean into his chest, so Donnie could get his breath back. Ben kept one hand on his neck while Donnie curled up on himself, shaking.
Ben pulled off some toilet paper and wiped Donnie’s mouth with it. “You need a doctor.”
For a moment, Donnie said nothing, but then he whispered, “I know.”
“If you don’t want an ambulance, I’ll take you to the ER.”
Donnie’s hand came up and grabbed the front of Ben’s shirt. “Thanks, for everything… I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay, buddy. Let’s move, so we get you something for this pain.”
Chapter Eleven
THE DRIVE TO the hospital only took fifteen minutes, but with Donnie in so much pain it seemed twice as long. Ben had to make one emergency stop by the side of the mercifully deserted road when Donnie groaned and pressed his hand to his mouth again. Leaning over Donnie, Ben just about got the door open, and Donnie gagged painfully, sick splattering into the weeds. When Ben leaned over him again to close the door, a furious heat was coming from Donnie’s skin.
Getting Donnie into the ER was a challenge. Ben haphazardly parked curbside and helped Donnie out of the car, and for a moment, it looked like Donnie would faint right there, he was so white. Ben held him close, and they stood for a moment, unmoving. Donnie was shaking, and his icy fingers clung to Ben with painful intensity.
Somehow they got into the hospital. They’d barely made it through the automatic doors when Donnie stopped dead. Ben glanced down at him with alarm. “What is it?”
“R-really need the bathroom.”
Ben looked around and spotted a disabled toilet just off to the right. “Over there.”