by Mel Gough
“Watch it, you,” Ben said with a grin, cuffing her lightly on the arm and trying not to think of anything other than their father-and-daughter afternoon. He got up and collected their trash. Laura stuck out her tongue at him, and then leaped to her feet. “Last one to the park gates is a lame duck,” she called and set off.
Laughing, Ben trotted after her, marveling once again at how strong and clever that child of his had turned out.
TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT. Donnie feels ready. The news at the clinic was the best thing he’s heard in a long time. The call that morning, just as he was leaving for work, had been a shock, all right. “Please come in right away, to discuss your results.” After all the shitty news he’s had recently, those were the worst words to hear first thing in the morning. But it was all right. For once in his life, things are all right.
Donnie smiles as he imagines Ben’s face when he tells him the news. Ben will be real happy, and that’s almost better than being happy himself.
Then he’s fleetingly worried. Maybe Ben won’t care. Maybe Donnie’s just daydreaming again, and Ben is just pretending. No, he mustn’t let that thought take hold. That’s the kinda shit his brother would say, to fuck with Donnie. And he mustn’t think of Floyd, neither, not today.
Today’s just about him, and Ben. That’s enough to be getting on with. They’ve got things to talk about, and, at last, they’ve got something to do.
Donnie wants Ben, so bad. He thinks he can do it now. He definitely wants to. And Ben wants him, as well. He’s been so sweet and gentle, giving Donnie time and space. Ben deserves it, that Donnie’s brave. And it’s okay; it’s safe. He’ll believe it, soon. He can trust what he knows, with Ben there to help.
But he can’t wait all day to tell Ben. Donnie pulls out his phone, heart beating in his throat. It’s a good kind of nervous, this time.
Chapter Eighteen
“DONNIE? EVERYTHING OKAY?” Ben’s heart was thumping fast. He hated that a phone call during the day could nearly give him a heart attack. Holding his after-lunch coffee in one hand, he stopped just outside the front doors to the station, phone clamped between ear and shoulder.
“Yeah, it’s all good,” Donnie said quickly. “Didn’t mean to startle ya.”
“It’s okay. What’s up?”
“Couldn’t wait ‘til tonight to tell ya my news,” Donnie said, and the happiness in his voice was unmistakable.
“Well, share then,” Ben said, smiling. “Don’t torture me!”
“My viral load’s undetectable again!”
“Already? That’s amazing, Donnie!”
“It’s pretty awesome, yeah.”
“I hadn’t realized you had a clinic appointment today. I would’ve come!”
“They called this morning, said they had the results back. Went by on my way to work. Doc said it’s real rare, the drugs working so quickly.”
“Well, your viral count was low to begin with, and you’re well again and eating right, taking all your meds on time. All that’s real important.”
“I know…” Donnie sounded like he had something more on his mind. “Ben?”
“Yes?”
“D’ya… I dunno…wanna come over tonight, celebrate? We can drink some juice or something.”
The grin in Donnie’s voice with the last few words was infectious, and Ben smiled to himself. “I’d love that,” he said. “I’ll get us a juice pack and two straws, alright?”
Donnie chuckled. “Perfect! See ya tonight. Love ya.”
“Love you too, bud.”
IT FELT LIKE a first date to Ben as he drove to Donnie’s house that night, butterflies in his stomach and everything. And in a way, of course, it was their first date. Other than the baseball game outing, which had been cut short, and the cup of coffee after Ben’s second AA meeting, they had spent no time together with Donnie at least halfway well.
Had someone asked Ben whether he wanted to sleep with Donnie that night, he would’ve said yes without hesitation. But if Donnie wasn’t ready, then that would be all right, too. They’d play it by ear, and Ben wouldn’t pressure him.
But a small worrisome voice kept niggling at the back of Ben’s mind. If Donnie wasn’t ready to sleep with him now, when his virus load was undetectable, would he ever be ready? And what would they do if it never felt right?
Then we’ll figure something out. Would Ben leave Donnie just because he couldn’t face sex? Of course not! So many other things were more important in this relationship that so far had been far from conventional. The most important of all was that whatever they decided on made them both happy and came naturally.
That was another thing, though. Even if Donnie got over his fears, they would never be able to forget the HIV. Sex would never be entirely natural. At almost any other point in the day-to-day, Donnie could forget, at least temporarily, that he was the carrier of a potentially lethal virus. But in bed, when they had to take extra precautions and be always extra vigilant; there was no pushing it to one side.
These were difficult issues to which there would be no easy solution. But still Ben was happier now than he had been in a long time. Being with Donnie was what had changed his life, and he wouldn’t jeopardize his newfound joy for anything.
With that thought, Ben climbed out of the car, walked up to Donnie’s front door, and knocked. He had to wait only a few seconds for Donnie to appear, clad in jeans and a white undershirt. The denims sat very low on his hips, giving Ben pause. Donnie had lost quite a bit of weight during his illness.
Tonight, however, he didn’t look ill or pale or tired. Instead, he was smiling, shyly as usual, but more radiantly than Ben had ever seen him smile. He’d been back in his own house for ten days now, and finally gone back to work earlier that week. Ben was relieved to see him looking happy and well.
“Ya brought a bottle?” Donnie pointed at the brown paper bag in Ben’s hand and looked at him questioningly.
Ben grinned. “Alcohol-free cider.”
“Good one,” Donnie said and stepped aside. “C’mon in.”
Ben walked into the small house, stomach twisting nervously. He stood the bottle on the coffee table and turned to face Donnie. “Man, times like this, I wish I could have a smoke or a beer.”
“Yeah, me too,” Donnie agreed, eyes on Ben. “Feels weird, something to celebrate and we can’t let loose. Used to be, Floyd an’ me’d find a reason to party every day.”
A shadow crossed Donnie’s face at the thought of his brother, and his hand came to rest unconsciously on the ribs that Floyd had broken so recently. But then Donnie gave himself a little shake and focused back on Ben. He smiled more widely, and Ben answered with a nervous laugh, rubbing his face. “This feels weird.”
“Like a first date?” Donnie suggested quietly.
“Exactly what I was thinking.”
“About time for it, too.” Donnie crossed the space between them in two slow strides and stopped right in front of Ben, their bodies almost touching. He lowered his eyes and stood very still. Ben had the odd impression that Donnie was breathing him in.
Then Donnie raised his face and their eyes met. The velvety indigo blue caught Ben by surprise, as usual. Donnie leaned in close, smiled, and kissed Ben. Nothing was chaste about that kiss. He claimed Ben’s lips, explored his mouth with his tongue, nipped with his teeth. And then Donnie pressed close, and Ben could feel his erection through both their pants.
When Donnie pulled back, it was to regard Ben with sleepy bedroom eyes. He took Ben’s hand, and intertwined their fingers. “C’mon,” he murmured, and led Ben down the short hallway and into his bedroom.
Ben’s head was swimming. This had been much faster than he had dared imagine.
“Donnie,” he began, but Donnie kept moving. Finally, he pulled Ben down to sit on his narrow bed.
“I know, Ben,” Donnie said. “We gotta talk. I just…wanted to be clear. That I’m ready. I know how keen yer are, and yer right. But, fuck.” He looked at Ben and his e
yes were dark with fear. “I’m real scared.”
“We can wait…”
“Didn’t ya hear what I jus’ said? M’ready, I need dis—” Donnie’s accent grew stronger with the stress. Just like he had at the station, and when the pain from his pancreas had driven him nearly insane, Donnie was dropping endings and slurring his vowels. Ben almost struggled to make out what he was saying.
“I get it, buddy,” Ben said soothingly. “It kills me that you’re so scared. And I got something that’ll help. Look—” He pulled out a small white bottle from his pants pocket. He handed it to Donnie, who turned it around in icy fingers. The label read PrEP.
“You know what this is?” Ben asked.
Donnie nodded. He didn’t look up or say anything. Ben’s stomach clenched with apprehension.
“It’s meds, to protect ya from infection. Ya taking it already?”
“Yes,” Ben said. “Ever since you were in the hospital.” He’d gone to a doctor in Newnan to get the prescription, not entirely trusting that a visit to their usual family doctor wouldn’t come back to Helen, who knew nothing about Donnie’s HIV. “Not cuz I’m afraid…”
Donnie nodded, still looking at the bottle. “It’s so I’m less scared.”
“Yes. Donnie, don’t be mad.”
Donnie looked up, his eyes full of surprised tears. “Mad? Ben! Why would I be mad? Cuz yer being nice? No one’s ever cared…cared enough ta— Never thought I’d get a shot at this…really bein’ with someone…” Donnie sounded frantic. “Why’d anyone spend the money and risk their health, jus’ ta be scared wit’ me.”
“Hey…” Ben scooted closer and took the other man in his arms, and Donnie nuzzled close with a sigh. “Cuz I love you,” Ben said simply. Taking Donnie by the shoulders he sat him up straight and looked at him for a long moment. Then, slowly and deliberately, he took Donnie’s hand, kissed his fingers, then his wrist, and up along his bare arm. He moved on to Donnie’s impossibly wide shoulders, bare, too, in the sleeveless undershirt. Then he moved along Donnie’s collarbone, his neck, finally his face.
“D’you want me?” Ben murmured against Donnie’s temple.
“God, Ben,” Donnie whispered. “Yes…”
They didn’t rush. They moved steadily and slow. Purposefully undressing each other, making each step deliberate and every touch count.
Ben was gentle, completely focusing on the other man. Donnie relaxed under his fingers, opened to the touch, his skin aglow, his face tilted toward the ceiling. He leaned back on his arms on the bed and regarded Ben from heavily hooded eyes. Ben undid Donnie’s pants buttons, then reached right inside his boxer shorts and freed him from the fabric. For a moment, Ben looked down, smiling. Donnie was fully hard, his length silken, warm and firm in Ben’s hand. Ben’s own erection was straining at its confines.
“C’mere.” Ben motioned Donnie to sit up, pulled the undershirt over his head, and moved them around until he could lower Donnie onto the bed. Then Ben stood and undid his belt, his own pants buttons. Donnie’s attention was on him, still a little fearful but also full of anticipation.
“Touch yourself,” Ben commanded. Eyes sparkling, Donnie reached for his erection, which was lying against the ginger hair on his belly, freeing himself fully from pants and boxer shorts. Ben stripped off quickly, keen to rejoin his man on the bed.
“Hips up,” he said with a smile, and leaned over Donnie, mocking his own recent fussing when Donnie had been ill. Grinning a little, Donnie obliged, and Ben pulled the other man’s pants and underpants off, then dropped them onto the floor.
“Been shopping for supplies,” Donnie said, and pointed at the bedside table.
Ben opened the drawer and retrieved condoms and lube. The condoms were an expensive brand, extra safe. He smiled down at Donnie, who looked apprehensive again. He reached out and stroked Donnie’s face gently with his free hand.
“I’ll be real careful.”
Donnie’s eyes were full of love. “Know ya will. Be careful for yerself, too, ‘kay?”
“Of course.”
Ben prepped himself while Donnie watched. He absently took hold of his erection again while Ben rolled down the condom and warmed some lube between his fingers. It was all more clinical, more deliberate than Ben would’ve liked. But it surely would get easier with time. They’d made it this far; nothing could be a real obstacle after what they’d already been through together. For now, making them both feel safe and at ease was Ben’s main concern.
And despite the tension, Donnie’s excitement was palpable. There was a flush starting on his chest and neck as Ben positioned himself, and his own arousal grew at the sight.
“Ready?”
Donnie nodded, holding his bottom lip between his teeth, and Ben lowered himself between Donnie’s legs. When he pushed carefully against Donnie’s opening, he could see Donnie’s breath hitch in his chest, then a conscious effort to relax. Donnie gave another tiny nod and tilted his hips.
Ben entered Donnie slowly, and for several minutes, they moved in a gentle rhythm. Soon Ben could tell that Donnie was close, and he did his best to maximize his man’s pleasure. He shifted carefully until the angle was just right for each thrust to stimulate Donnie’s prostate. As he sped up, Donnie matched him with his hand on his erection, and gave a little whimper.
“You okay?” Ben gasped.
“God, Ben…,” Donnie panted, his free hand bunching into the sheets. His eyes were mere slits of indigo now, but his gaze never left Ben.
“M’so close, man…” The heat was pulsing through Ben. There came a yanking sensation behind his navel, then an explosion at the base of his spine. His eyes slid shut, and he let himself be carried away.
When he opened them again, Donnie was smiling, sweaty and spent, his hand still around his now waning erection. Ben returned the smile, then reached for the box of tissues that was sitting on the bedside table. But when he made to wipe the cum off of Donnie’s belly, Donnie took hold of his wrist.
“No,” he whispered, eyes fearful again.
It was silly—of course it was. But Ben didn’t challenge him. This was hard enough on Donnie already.
So he just nodded and put the tissues in Donnie’s outstretched hand. Then Ben withdrew and cleaned himself up. Donnie watched each movement, looking worried.
Ben smiled reassuringly. “All intact, buddy. Nothing bad’s happened, alright?”
Donnie nodded slowly, and his shoulders sank back onto the bed as he let himself relax.
“I’ll be back in a moment.” Ben climbed off the mattress, then leaned down and gave Donnie a long, gentle kiss, for which he was rewarded with another mesmerizing look from sleepy blue eyes.
Ben went into the bathroom to clean up and dispose of condom and tissues. As he washed his hands in the chipped sink, he gazed into the mirror without seeing his own reflection.
It hadn’t been a bad first time. They had both enjoyed it, even if it had been far from stress-free. Yet it was hard on Ben, seeing Donnie’s fear when there should be only pleasure.
But as they became more familiar with each other, more at ease, things would probably change. And whatever it took, Ben would be there to help Donnie get used to intimacy again. He’d do anything to make his guy happy.
Whatever it took, they were together now, for better or worse.
Chapter Nineteen
“WHERE WERE YOU?”
Helen’s voice cut through the stillness of the early morning house and made Ben jump. He closed the front door slowly and turned around. “ Did you need me? Did I miss something?”
She was standing behind one of the armchairs in the living room, gripping the backrest hard, her face like a thundercloud. But then her expression changed, became sad, finally tired. “No, no…. I shouldn’t…. I said I wouldn’t pry. Your time is your own.” She rubbed her forehead hard. “I’m sorry, Ben, but this isn’t working. I can’t sit here, imagining you with—” She gave a sigh. “Ben, I need you to move out. As soon a
s possible.”
All air was forced from Ben’s lungs, and when he tried to speak, his voice was almost inaudible, even to himself. “But where…”
“I don’t know!” Helen’s voice rose again. Her suppressed temper was definitely starting to crack at the seams. “Move in with your friend, maybe?” And with that, she turned around and strode into the kitchen.
Ben couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t explain to himself why this would hit him so hard. He’d known it would come, and soon. But the sudden reality of the situation was utterly devastating.
He had already moved on. He had Donnie to think about, someone who needed him and wanted him around. The terrible thought that all of it had just been a distraction suddenly loomed large. Had he secretly hoped that whatever was going on with him and Helen would work itself out, if only he backed off for a while? Maybe starting this thing with Donnie had been his subconscious mind trying to show Helen that he was wanted and that she should reconsider and take him back.
What a stupid, terrible thought! Donnie meant so much more to him than that, and he definitely hadn’t been a rebound. Ben was disgusted with himself.
But suddenly his new reality seemed impossible. There would definitely be gossip at work if he moved out of the marital home and in with another man. And when people found out just where Donnie lived, and what his story was, they would judge. Ben hated people prying into his private business. He felt totally unprepared for this latest change, and the complications it would bring.
Allowing himself to go down that path made Ben’s head swim. As if in a trance, he slowly climbed the stairs. Just as he was about to open the guest bedroom door, he heard another door open behind him.
“Dad? What’s going on?”
Laura stood there, in her slightly too short nightgown, looking tousled from sleep and rubbing her eyes. Ben’s own eyes filled with tears, and he quickly looked down. “Nothing, darling. Go back to bed. It’s still early.”
He watched out of the corner of his eye as Laura nodded uncertainly, then returned to her room. Ben went into the guest room and fell heavily onto the mattress. He wondered how Laura would take all this. Ben had only just promised her that he wouldn’t move out anytime soon.