by Ella Fields
I stepped back from the glass doors and into my room, frowning at the bed where I’d last seen it.
And then, an entire week after I’d held his sweat-misted, heaving body over mine on that very bed, the DM came. It was accompanied by a follow on Instagram.
JDelouxe: I’ll arrange a car for us. What’s your favorite flower?
Dizzy, I gaped at the message for long minutes, then I tapped out a response.
Fernlovesfrogs: Daisies. : )
A moment later, I got a reply.
JDelouxe: I didn’t know you liked frogs.
Fernlovesfrogs: They’re cute. I used to kiss them and hope for Prince Charming.
JDelouxe: Gross. You’re weird and delusional, Red. Pick you up at 6.
I dropped my phone and squealed.
Then I picked it up to call Cory, and we both squealed.
Mom was supposed to take us dress shopping, but she got held up with a work emergency. She said to buy whatever we wanted, and Cory and I did exactly that.
I had my gown custom made, a rush order that had me cringing when I handed over my credit card.
In my emerald green ball gown, the same shade as Jude’s eyes, I stood on my front porch, black clutch in hand. The gown’s bodice wrapped snug around my torso. There were no crystals and no frills. It flowed to my feet to kiss my toenails, which I’d painted green.
A black lace bow spread over my lower back, the ribbons dropping and falling into the rippling organza.
I’d straightened my hair, and in doing so, the strands fell to the bow and my hips. I’d kept my makeup light with mascara, red lipstick, and a little blush. Cory got ready with me, but Silas had picked her up thirty minutes ago so they could get their picture taken at the beach as the sun had set.
It was now dark. The stars leaned into the half-moon, wanting its glow but knowing they’d all burn if they crept too close.
Shifting in my black pumps, I checked my phone again. It was six thirty, and the house next door was still and dark as if no one was home.
If he didn’t hurry up, we were going to miss dinner. I rechecked my lipstick under the glow of the lights beside our front door.
Then I checked my phone again. I contemplated calling him, but he didn’t know I had his number. Maybe he wouldn’t care, being that we were going to prom together and all.
I waited ten more minutes before readying myself to do just that when a DM arrived.
JDelouxe: Something came up. I’ll have to meet you there.
I blinked down at the screen of my phone. It shook in my hand, and I steadied it before calling an Uber and walking down the drive.
That was fine. He’d probably lost track of time while doing something stupid with his friends. Besides, a lot of people arrived on their own, I was sure.
The Uber driver whistled, a sucker hanging out of his mouth. “Prom?”
“No, I’m getting married.”
“In green?” he said. “Wow. You look a little young.”
Struggling with my gown in the back seat, I huffed and pulled the door closed just as he took off. “Of course, prom.”
“Right. The Hystenya?”
Knowing I wasn’t going to save my dress from being crushed, I gave in and slumped back against the seat. “Yeah.”
There were two hotels down by the harbor. One was my mother’s, I suppose mine too, of which I’d seldom visited, and the other belonged to Silas’s parents. The dinner and dance were being held inside the ballrooms of the Hystenya. They had been for as long as I could remember, as his parents adored having the attention lavished upon them.
The driver dropped me off out front, and I grumbled as I shuffled out of his black Prius. “Enjoy your night, sweetheart.”
“Oh, I will.” I tossed him a twenty before slamming the door.
Dress in hand, I rushed up the steps. A doorman opened the door and winked as I sped past him.
The foyer and brown painted halls were quiet. I followed the growing sound of trapped merriment to a cluster of grand rooms at the back of the hotel.
Before I could open the doors, they burst apart, and I leaped out of the way. Students in dazzling arrays of color and glittering dark swept out into the small foyer with their dates and friends.
I tucked myself within the mix and looked for Cory. Dressed in shimmering black that hugged her every curve, she found me within seconds, her arm looping through mine. “Are you okay?”
“He’s running late,” I said in explanation. I dragged my fingers through my hair as we headed into a ballroom with stars painted upon the blue chandelier bedecked ceiling. “I’m so annoyed. We didn’t even get to take a picture.”
“Fern,” she said, pulling me into the back corner of the room.
A band was starting up on stage, and a table with snacks and beverages laid over it stretched down the wall next to us.
Starving, I grabbed a cookie and almost swallowed it whole. I took a waiting cup of punch, too. “How was dinner?”
It was then I finally looked at Cory and noticed the concern crinkling her features. I backed up on instinct, not wanting to hear whatever it was she had to say.
She followed and stole the drink from me, setting it back on the table. “He’s here.”
As though willed by magnets, my eyes were pulled to the doors of the ballroom.
Dressed in a fitted black tux with his hair finger-swept to the side, Jude stood there with Marnie in his arms. He said something to her forehead, then kissed it and walked back out.
Marnie’s gaze shot straight to me, and then she walked to the snack table. To us.
“No,” I whispered.
Cory placed herself beside me, but Marnie was only getting a cookie.
She looked at me as she bit into it, her ruby painted lips dusted with crumbs.
Mine probably were too, but I didn’t care. “I want to go home.”
Cory’s hand wrapped around mine and squeezed. “I’ve told Silas I’m staying with you, and we’re going to dance.”
Tears gathered. I begged them not to fall with every ounce of strength I didn’t possess.
“Fern,” Cory said, turning to me. “Look at me.” I did, swallowing twice. “We’re going to dance, and you’re going to act like you don’t even care. Okay?”
I nodded, knowing she was right. Leaving would only serve in giving him far too much satisfaction. “Okay,” I think I said. The music was suddenly too loud, battling with the ringing in my ears.
She pulled me onto the dance floor, and within minutes, we were surrounded by a wave of our peers, and I could no longer see Marnie.
Cory spun me and smiled as bright as the sun, doing her best to cajole me into having a good time. That wasn’t possible, though.
But it was possible that I’d finally have to admit defeat and forget about him.
I made a mental note to find my diary, rip down the ridiculous junk in my walk-in, and burn it all at the beach where no one could ever see just how much of an idiot I’d been.
The plan made me feel a tiny bit better. Not enough to stop the painful swelling and shrinking of my heart, but easier to force a smile and feel like it might actually be believable.
I was sweating by the time Cory dragged me back over to the corner, and we grabbed something to drink. Plucking her phone from her purse, she glanced around. “I’ll be back. Just going to call Silas and see where he is.”
I waved her off, content to rehydrate for the moment and take in everyone’s outfits.
A sweet laugh broke into my musings, and over the rim of my cup, I watched Marnie approach. She stopped before me, the smile on her face filling her false lashed eyes.
“What’s so funny?” I asked, knowing it was a stupid thing to say the moment the words slipped over my lips.
“You,” she said, clasping her hands over her lilac purse. Her short dress was the same color, and although it looked striking against her olive skin, it only reaffirmed the fact she didn’t deserve him.
&nbs
p; “Sweetie.” It seemed she was assessing my dress the same way I’d done hers, for realization curled her mouth into an ugly sneer. “What the hell possessed you into thinking my boyfriend would actually go to prom with you?”
My mouth fell open. I snapped it closed.
Boyfriend.
“I mean, I knew you liked him, everyone knows, but imagining something so much that you think it’s real? That’s just sad, Fern.” Her lips pinched. “Really, I feel kind of terrible for you.”
The microphone screeched, and we both looked at the stage, but the band was talking amongst themselves and taking a drink break. It wasn’t the microphone.
It was the speakers overhead. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.”
I’d know that voice anywhere. I’d listened to it at school, had conversations with it in my dreams, and had even felt it vibrate against my bare skin.
“A little fun and games, if you will.”
Everyone was glancing around, trying to find him, just as I was.
Marnie stood perfectly still, though, her gaze trained on me as she pulled a flask from her purse and took a swig.
“Before we announce our king and queen for this eve, I thought it best we have a laugh.”
He wasn’t here, and Marnie was well aware of that, offering the flask to me. “You might need some.”
I just stared at it, and she shrugged as Jude began to stab at the dying organ in my chest.
“Without further ado…” The monster cleared his throat. “Jude’s hair smells like mint and cedarwood.” His tone turned nostalgic, as though he were narrating a piece of literature, and he was. He was unveiling my own for the entire senior class to hear. “I spent half an hour in the drugstore trying to find what shampoo it could be. I sniffed half of them before I realized I was an idiot. There was no way Jude would buy regular shampoo.”
He cleared his throat again as if trying not to laugh. “So I bought ten different types from Sephora, ordering more after until I’d found it. If I can’t have the real thing, then at least I can know what it smells like.”
I couldn’t breathe, the bodice of my gown far too tight.
“Jude looked at me yesterday. I swore he did. Cory says I’m not as invisible as I think I am, and that maybe he did. It doesn’t matter. I’ll keep watching. Maybe one day, he’ll watch me back.”
Laughter sounded, and I felt every eye in the room fall on me.
“They broke up again today. I celebrated with a cheese omelet, a glass of Mom’s champagne, and some male on male action on Tumblr.”
He waited until everyone calmed a little before continuing once more.
“I think I want to write romance novels. God, it feels so good to finally admit this somewhere. Even though she hasn’t said it, I know my mom expects me to work for her in hopes of one day running her businesses. But I’d rather write fiction than live in reality. It’s way more fun. And in fiction, anything is possible. I can create the love story I never got to live. I can create my own Jude, one who knows I exist and who would do anything for me.”
He didn’t stop there.
“Sometimes, I wish I didn’t like Jude Delouxe so much. Sometimes, I wonder if not liking him would leave me with better things to do. But I have nothing else.” There was a lengthy pause, then he finished roughly, “All I have is him.”
It was official.
I wanted to kill him. He had to die.
And then I needed to move off the island. New Zealand, maybe. I was sure Mom would be cool with it.
I heard people saying my name, and it joined the storm of laughter as I retreated farther into the corner of the room.
“Junior year is finally coming to a close. Mom asked if I was applying for any writing courses over the summer. I said I wanted to, but she’d already stated it wasn’t necessary, and I’d get into any school I wanted. I don’t know why I believe her, or how that’s even possible, but I know it’s true. I don’t care what I do, so long as I end up at the same place as Jude.” A whoosh sounded as Jude blew out a breath. “Oh, and summers are better spent watching Jude come and go next door anyway. I love seeing how tanned he gets.”
For someone who’d just wanted to be seen, I’d never wanted to disappear so badly in my life.
I was crying. I could feel the wetness flooding my cheeks and the tremble of my lips. But I couldn’t wipe the tears away.
I couldn’t move.
“I found out what cologne he wears. I overheard Marnie mention that she was buying him some for his birthday, and Melanie asked what it was. I wrote down the name, and some months ago, I ordered two bottles. You know, just in case one breaks. The other night, I spritzed a little on my pillow. I’d planned to hug it until I fell asleep; instead, I slipped my hand inside my panties and made myself come to the…”
He stopped, and it was just as well. He wouldn’t want his reinstated girlfriend aware of our secret meetings. Cory returned, her eyes wide and her hands reaching for me.
“I’m beginning to think that I need to burn or shred this. We’re only growing more serious, even if he’ll never admit it to himself. I think he likes me. I think I…” Jude coughed, then spat out, “Love him.” There was a thud, as though something had been dropped.
Cory was tugging me out of the room, faces blurring in a cacophony of curiosity and laughter. “Stalker town,” someone yelled.
“How dare he?” she said, seething as we entered the quiet foyer outside.
“Cory,” Silas called.
“Not now,” she snapped. “Your friend”—she stabbed a finger at Silas—“your friend needs to die.”
Silas nodded, his lips pinched between his teeth as his eyes flicked between us. “He’s out of control. I’ll find him, I promise. Right now, we need to head in.”
“You’re prom queen?” I somehow found the words to voice.
Silas nodded while Cory stood slack-jawed. “Sorry, Fern.” He came forward and took her back inside.
Everyone was still laughing and still reeling. I spun around to leave, almost falling over the marble table. A porcelain vase screamed as it hit the floor, crunching with flowers under my heels as I grabbed my gown in both hands and ran.
“Obsessed much?” I heard Melanie mutter as she exited the ladies’ room with some guy I didn’t recognize. “I’d run, too.”
The tears came harder, faster, and the doormen both looked on with concern as I barreled toward them and slipped out the doors they hadn’t had a chance to fully open.
Down the steps and across the lot, I didn’t stop until I’d passed the hospital, the airport, and I’d reached the darker streets leading home. It would take me hours to scale Crest Road and get there, but I didn’t care.
When I could no longer run, I walked, only pausing long enough to see a familiar black truck speed by when I took off my heels.
Silas. Where was he going? He had to have seen me walking, yet he hadn’t stopped.
Fuck him. I flung my shoes at the road, hoping someone crushed them beyond repair, much like the asshole I’d crushed on for years had done me.
Finally, I gave in and called an Uber. A different driver picked me up, thankfully. He was old enough to be my grandfather and only asked if I was okay before keeping his mouth shut.
My phone rang. Cory.
I sent her a text saying I was home and watched the Uber pull away as I stared daggers through blurred eyes at the house next door.
My prom dress, soiled and crinkled from all the walking, still sat in a heap on the armchair in my room a week later.
“I’m going to ask you one last time, Fern,” my mother said, seated on the edge of the bed. “What the hell happened, and who did this to you?”
I couldn’t tell her. Not only because I was hiding under my comforter and I didn’t want to, but because I knew her. She’d insert herself in some way to try to fix it—to fix me.
In grade five, Ryan Jeckle pushed me off the monkey bars, and I broke my arm. She’d had him expelled fr
om school, and his father fired from where he worked at the power plant.
“Fine,” Mom said, the bed shifting when she stood. “You leave me no choice.”
I closed my eyes over a new wave of tears. I was surprised I had any left to spill.
I trapped them, and eventually, I fell back to sleep.
I woke some hours later to the sound of my mom’s raised voice. “I don’t care if she doesn’t want to see you.” There was a pause, and I pushed the comforter off, shying away from the brightness cascading in from the floor-to-ceiling doors. She’d opened the curtains.
She’d opened the fucking curtains.
I rolled out of bed to the floor, commando crawling so as not to be seen. I doubted he was watching. I doubted he gave one single shit about what I was doing or how he’d made me feel.
Still, I refused to let him see any part of me.
I tore them closed and fell back on the floor, staring up at the ceiling.
“Fuck school,” I heard Mom say into the phone. “I’m sending a car. Get over here and tell me what’s happened to my daughter.”
School. Right. A place I hadn’t been since that nightmare night. I could never show my face there again, and I’d prayed and hoped and wished with every new tear that I’d still be able to graduate without attending.
I’d been a perfect student, after all. Maybe I could take my finals online.
Mom broke my panic with something I’d already guessed at. “Cory’s on her way over, Fern! And she will tell me everything.”
I would’ve protested, but I didn’t have any room to care.
Jude
Fern graduated, I knew that much, but she didn’t show her face at school until then, and no one besides Cory had seen her since. The brief drop back into the world hadn’t gone well for her. Most had found new things to talk about since prom, but her resurgence, the paler complexion, and the gaunt look to her cheeks got their chins wagging in an instant.