He held her tight, not letting go.
‘If Thomas is alive, I will come to your wedding. If I survive the war,’ James said, stepping back but still holding her, staring deep into her eyes, hands to her elbows. ‘I will kiss your cheek and tell you how happy I am for you, and I’ll never mention what passed between us. I will be the perfect brother, the model brother-in-law.’ He paused. ‘We shall never speak of what happened between us.’
Scarlet should have been thrilled. Thomas would never know what had happened, that she’d wavered instead of remaining entirely devoted to him. But there was only one question circling her mind. ‘What if he isn’t alive?’ She gulped, her feet unsteady as the boat moved up then down again. ‘What if he’s gone?’
‘Then I will be the one searching for you,’ James said simply.
Her heart had been racing before, but now it was thumping, the warmth of his body making it impossible not to think about how badly she wanted him. ‘James, you don’t mean that. I can’t . . .’
He pulled her closer, his eyes never leaving hers, not for a beat. ‘Scarlet, listen to me.’ He ducked down, head lowered, mouth too close to hers. ‘The day I met you, before I ever knew who you were, there was something about you. Now I’m not going to do anything I shouldn’t, I wouldn’t do that to Thomas, but . . .’
Now it was him not finishing his sentence.
‘If I hadn’t met Thomas first, if things had been different . . .’ she said, then stopped herself. It was stupid to talk like this. If she hadn’t been engaged to Thomas then she’d never have ended up here. She probably would have been working with the Red Cross closer to home. ‘Thomas is the only reason we met. If it wasn’t for him our paths might never have crossed.’
‘But if we had met?’ James insisted. ‘Would you have said yes if I’d asked you to wait for me until the war was over? If I’d been the one to meet you? If you weren’t engaged to any man before we’d met?’
Scarlet knew she should lie, keep her true feelings hidden, but she couldn’t. ‘If I’d met you first, my answer would have been yes.’
James stared at her, and she did her best to stay still as the ship moved roughly beneath their feet. The lurch came from nowhere, flinging her sideways towards the railings. She reached frantically for him as he caught her and held her close again, much closer this time. He steadied her, his heart beating so loud that with her head to his chest she could hear it pounding.
She lifted her chin to look up at him as his hands went to her arms, to push her back. Scarlet slipped her free hand around his neck, anchored herself to him as his lips met hers. She should have pulled away, but like the first time, she didn’t. Who knew whether they would survive their trip to France? Who knew if she’d ever see James again, or Thomas for that matter? It was a goodbye kiss – the end – and it would never, ever happen again.
Scarlet forgot everything else and enjoyed the taste and feel of James, the warmth of his mouth and the closeness of his body as they embraced. Then the ship heaved again, lurched violently, and Scarlet completely lost her balance as a wave came crashing over the edge and on to the deck.
‘You’d think we’d be spared, wouldn’t you?’ James muttered loudly. ‘We’re going into battle and I can’t even get a few minutes’ peace with a beautiful girl.’
Another wave crashed against the boat, and this time Scarlet screamed, the moment they’d just shared quickly forgotten.
‘Below decks!’ someone bellowed as James grabbed her hand tight and raced with her away from the edge and back towards the gangway.
The ship turned hard, jerked to the left, and Scarlet lost her grip on James’s hand as he was thrown further away. She fell, her hip slamming into the deck.
‘James!’ she screamed, suddenly terrified of the water that was sporadically splashing on board, the cold wetness soaking into her clothes as she lay sprawled on the deck, instantly freezing her skin.
She scrambled up, stumbling again, until suddenly his strong arms were around her. This time they ran faster, dashing down into relative safety. But her heart was still racing and she was soaked through, which wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t against the rules to undress.
‘You all right?’ he asked, still holding her tight.
She nodded. ‘I’ll be fine. I think.’
‘I have to go,’ James whispered, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek, eyes lingering on hers. ‘I’m sorry.’
Scarlet nodded bravely, remembering his brother with eyes almost as dark saying the same words to her before he left for war. Only she wasn’t sure whether James was saying sorry for kissing her, or for leaving. She had a feeling she wouldn’t see him again, a knot of dread deep in her belly telling her that she was going to lose both of them. It might spare her the hardship of living with what she’d done, but the heartache, she knew, would be unbearable.
‘They’ve seen enemy submarines!’ someone yelled.
Scarlet turned away for the barest second, and when she looked back James was gone. She plucked at her trousers, wishing she hadn’t been stupid enough to go out on deck when they’d been instructed not to. She searched for Ellie, touching her lips with her fingertips, remembering the fleeting kiss that had stolen her breath away.
‘That’s why we lurched suddenly. The blasted enemy is right here under the water with us. Same last night when we were sleeping,’ Ellie suddenly whispered in her ear, turning up out of nowhere. ‘Spencer told me. He said that’s why we’re zigzagging along the coast.’
Scarlet slipped her arm around her friend. ‘Have you been with Spencer?’
‘You’d know if you hadn’t been sneaking around with lover boy.’
Ellie’s arched eyebrow made Scarlet laugh. At least her friend didn’t seem to think less of her for falling for her fiancé’s brother; Scarlet appreciated how non-judgemental she was.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be making jokes like that now we know he’s, well . . .’
‘My fiancé’s brother,’ Scarlet finished for her. ‘I deserved that, but I won’t be seeing him again, not like that.’ She shut her eyes then quickly opened them when an image of James blurred into her vision. ‘What did Spencer say?’
‘He told me that another ship has been lost,’ Ellie murmured into her ear quietly, so no one else could hear. ‘Something about a mine being dislodged from its moorings and hitting them, and everyone on board being presumed dead.’
Scarlet shuddered. ‘Does he think we’ll make it?’ She was frightened, more than she’d ever been in her life.
‘He told me to stay below decks and pray.’
Scarlet didn’t want to say it, especially when she’d always believed faithfully without question, but she was starting to doubt whether there was a God up there in the sky who could help them. If He could, surely He wouldn’t be letting this happen?
‘Are you going to have dinner?’ Scarlet asked.
Ellie groaned. ‘I can’t eat more porridge. I just can’t.’
‘The bread then. At least we know that stays down,’ Scarlet said matter-of-factly, even though the stale bread was so disgusting she could barely swallow it without choking.
‘Have you had your chocolate yet?’ Ellie asked, eyebrows raised, eyes hopeful.
Scarlet blew out the breath she’d been holding. ‘No. But now seems like as good a time as any.’
If she died tonight at the mercy of an enemy submarine, she would at least have James in her heart and chocolate on her lips. And Thomas, she thought to herself. She needed to hold Thomas close to her heart, too. Because without her believing that he was alive, what hope could he possibly have?
They walked together, feet unsteady but with their arms linked, back to their billet, and fell into their bunks. Around them, other nurses were already in bed, snoring softly.
Scarlet reached inside her kitbag and pulled out two little squares of chocolate, wishing she had an entire parcel of sweet treats. She gave one to Ellie, who wriggled close to her, and
then they both held up their pieces.
‘To making it safely to France,’ Scarlet said, touching hers to Ellie’s.
‘To making it home safely from France,’ Ellie said instead.
They both nibbled carefully, trying to make it last as long as possible. It wasn’t the best chocolate Scarlet had ever eaten, but compared to stone-cold porridge that looked like slop for pigs, and bread so dry and stale it was almost impossible to digest, she wasn’t about to complain. She only hoped that one day she’d be back home eating roast lamb with lashings of gravy and potatoes piled high, finished with any kind of pudding served with cream.
Some more nurses filed in and settled into their bunks.
‘Tell me something funny,’ Scarlet whispered as they lay back, huddled together. Her trousers were still damp, but even if they’d been dry she still would have been cold. Their quarters were dismal, not fit for an animal let alone fifty nurses, and the cold was a wet kind of chill, the type that was impossible to ignore. They’d all been outraged over not being able to bathe or undress, but in truth, Scarlet knew she would have been too cold to take her clothes off anyway. A quick splash of water to her face and neck had been more than enough.
Ellie made a noise deep in her throat, sighing before pushing up on one elbow beside her. Scarlet pulled the blanket up higher over both of them.
‘Like what?’
‘I don’t know. Anything funny since the war began.’ She felt her stomach heave as the boat shuddered and turned hard. ‘I’m not letting this chocolate come back up! Tell me anything to keep my mind off it.’
She’d never felt so delicate, and right now she could so easily reach for her paper bag and be sick, violently sick. Over and over until there was nothing left in her stomach.
‘Oh, I know something that’ll make you laugh.’ Ellie giggled to herself. ‘It’s a bomb story.’
‘Sounds hil-arious.’ Scarlet grinned back at her friend, feeling better already.
Ellie poked out her tongue. ‘It was in London. I’d been doing my training and a nice man had asked me out for lunch. We were walking to the restaurant, but it wasn’t going so well; he was awfully shy. Then there was this huge bang, an explosion, that sent us ducking for cover.’ Ellie wriggled even closer as rain lashed above, the noise impossible to drown out even if they’d had music to play or songs to sing loudly with the others.
Scarlet hated the groans and creaks the most, as if the boat couldn’t possibly withstand the unpredictable weather and sudden changes in direction. She put the last tiny bit of chocolate into her mouth and let it slowly dissolve.
‘I’m supposed to laugh about you hitting the pavement during a bombing?’ Scarlet asked.
‘No, don’t be silly. The funny part was lying there, terrified, waiting for the drone of another plane, so tired from the longest nursing shift of my life and thinking I was about to die and wondering why the sirens hadn’t gone off until then, then glancing over at Matthew, my date, and seeing fluffy little white things landing on his head. I laughed, then he laughed, and we lay there looking at one another, cheeks pressed to the cold concrete, watching feathers fall all around us like soft flakes of snow.’
‘I don’t get it,’ Scarlet said, smiling at the picture it painted, but not understanding the story fully. ‘Where had the feathers come from?’
‘The bomb had landed on a pillow factory nearby, and all the feathers just exploded around us. It was awful and just so, so funny at the same time. We lay there laughing until we cried.’
Scarlet laughed along with Ellie, imagining what it must have been like, reliving it with her. She’d never become used to the drone of planes or the sound of ack-ack guns, and she doubted she’d be able to hear a plane fly over without cringing ever again in her lifetime. But she could imagine how hilarious it must have been, surrounded by feathers when braced for the worst.
‘Your turn,’ Ellie said softly as more nurses came in, no doubt wanting to curl up into balls and try to sleep the nausea and terror away. If she wasn’t talking to Ellie, she’d be trying to do the same.
‘I know I asked you first, so I should have had something to share, but I can’t think of anything funny,’ Scarlet confessed.
The boat lurched again and Ellie rolled closer, almost landing on top of Scarlet. She wanted to make a joke that Spencer would have loved her in his quarters right now all jumpy and wanting to be comforted, but she was just too scared and couldn’t get the words out.
‘Anything,’ Ellie whispered. ‘Just talk, tell me a story, any story.’
‘Well . . .’ Scarlet dragged the word out, gasping when the ship pitched again. She tried not to think about enemy submarines and bombs and ships being capsized, desperately thinking back, trying to pull something from her memory that would keep them entertained.
‘Talk to me about James then,’ Ellie suddenly whispered, not in danger of anyone hearing them given how much chatter was going on around them now – a constant low hum of noise. ‘I know he’s Thomas’s brother, but you can’t help how you feel.’
‘It’s like my heart is being tugged in two completely different directions,’ Scarlet said honestly. ‘When I’m with him, if I forget about the fact that he is the one man who should be forbidden, I start to doubt my true feelings for Thomas. Before I knew who he was, I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and now it’s even worse. I am questioning why I thought Thomas was the one, whether it was only because he was leaving that I said yes so quickly to marrying him.’
‘So is it true? Do you think you were really in love with him?’ Ellie asked. ‘Or not?’
She wished it was a simpler question, that she could make sense of what was going on in her heart and her head. ‘When I close my eyes and go back in time, I know that what I felt for Thomas was true. He would have made me happy, he did make me happy, but it’s been such a long time since I’ve seen him, that’s all. The doubts I have only started when I met James. Maybe I love Thomas, but I’m also falling for James, if it’s even possible to have feelings like that for two men at the same time.’
It was true. In her heart she’d remained faithful and determined, that Thomas would come home, that they would be married. Then James had come along and confused her. But could she feel love so quickly for a man she’d only just met? She gulped, embarrassed at her feelings and at admitting them so openly to Ellie.
‘He’s so different from Thomas. I suppose he’s younger and more free with his words. He seems so much fun, and when he looks at me . . .’ Scarlet’s voice trailed off. ‘Thomas used to make me feel warm inside, happy and content. But James . . .’ She sighed. ‘James makes me feel like I’m on fire, as if I’m burning from the inside out whenever he looks at me or touches me. It’s all so silly, when I’ve known them both for such a short time.’
‘So one is warmth and stability,’ Ellie mused aloud. ‘The other is fire and excitement and making your heart race.’
Scarlet nodded. ‘Yes. I’m afraid that Thomas will always be the right choice, but now that I’ve become close to James, maybe warmth won’t be enough.’ It sounded pathetic, she knew that, when so many people were losing their lives to this war, losing their loved ones. But she couldn’t help the internal battle she was facing. ‘I want to feel that spark of crazy happiness every time my future husband kisses me, and it was so long ago that I was with Thomas, so many months, that I suppose I don’t truly remember what it was like with him. To kiss him like that.’
‘If you find Thomas? If he is alive?’ Ellie asked. ‘What then?’
‘I lock away my feelings for James and live the life I was supposed to live with Thomas. I have to; I promised him. I gave him my word that we would marry upon his return.’ Scarlet hoped he wasn’t terribly injured or maimed, but she had told him she would marry him, and marry him she would. Her parents would never forgive her for changing her mind when she’d promised, and she would never forgive herself, either. ‘James might be forward and dashing, but he’s a gentleman
and he’s given me his word that we’ll never speak of what happened between us again. I mean, if we’d known, it would never have happened in the first place!’
‘So you would marry Thomas, even if it was the wrong choice?’ Ellie asked, looking like she disapproved from the frown on her face.
‘Thomas is the right choice,’ Scarlet affirmed. ‘As soon as I see him again, as soon as we’re together, things will go back to normal. Or as normal as they can, given what we’re going through.’
‘What if Thomas is gone?’ Ellie murmured.
Scarlet slid further down into her bed, closing her eyes as she tried to push the thoughts away.
‘He’s not gone,’ she said, for some reason more certain than ever that he was still alive, her voice firm. ‘I know that he’ll come back, I just know it.’ Ellie’s fingers began a slow, steady stroke on her back as Scarlet turned away from her, comforting her as she quietly began to cry. She was never the girl obsessing over boys or being silly, and now she was stuck in the middle of a love triangle that felt impossible. It wasn’t a matter of choosing – it wasn’t that simple. She couldn’t switch from one brother to another. It wasn’t done. Her parents would never forgive her, and her future in-laws would think she was a terrible kind of woman, surely, and she would never be able to forgive herself. Not to mention the fact that James had promised to stand back and not pursue his feelings for her.
He threaded his fingers through hers as they walked, slowly, across the grass, the sun beating down on her face as she tilted her cheeks upwards. Quiet days were a rarity, and she was enjoying every bit of this one.
‘Have you ever thought about how many children you want?’
She pressed against Thomas, a smile playing quickly across her lips. ‘Two,’ she replied without having to think. ‘A boy and a girl.’
‘How about four?’
Scarlet swatted playfully at Thomas, seeing the smirk on his face. ‘I think we shall start with two in mind and see how we go.’
The thought of marrying Thomas made her giddy with happiness, knowing that one day, once this dreadful war was over, they’d be able to make a home and plan a family. There was nothing in the world she wanted more. It was all she’d ever wanted, to meet a nice man from a good family and have her own home.
Wives of War Page 11