by April Lust
Olivia didn’t say anything.
“I want to feel…less shitty. I don’t know. That’s what I want. But it doesn’t really matter because it’s not going to happen no matter how hard you try, Olivia.” It was the first time he’d said her name out loud, but it felt like he’d been saying it for years.
“What about how hard you try, Xander?” she shot back. “You’re right. I could sit here and analyze you until my eyes start bleeding, ‘til I keel over and die, and it won’t make a lick of difference if you don’t meet me halfway.”
Xander finished his drink and tossed it into the trash before heading back to the fridge and grabbing another one. He wanted to get fucked up, absolutely obliterated, until hopefully he forgot he ever had this conversation. “I don’t…I don’t even know how to start.”
“How to start trying?”
Xander shrugged, but he meant to say yes. I don’t know how to try to get better. I don’t even remember what it feels like anymore, to be okay. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
“I can help you,” Olivia said, stepping closer until she could put a hand on his elbow. His skin itched, but he didn’t push her away. “I can help you,” she said again, “but only if you let me.”
“And what? Letting you help means letting you tag along on all my drug drops and arms deals?” he said, his voice rising again even as her fingers started stroking over the skin of his arm.
“It means listening to me,” she said.
“Well, how about you listen to me?” Xander shot back, pushing her away finally. “I’m not…I’m not getting another girl killed, okay? Can you just accept that?”
“I can take care of myself,” Olivia argued.
“Yeah, just like Marta did,” Xander whispered, taking another large sip of his new drink. “Forget it. Come back tomorrow night, and we’ll talk through the day, okay? That’s meeting you half-way.”
Olivia chewed on her bottom lip. “Are you sure I can’t—”
“Yes!” Xander interjected. “You’re not coming. End of story.”
She just nodded before leaning forward and taking his drink from his hand, bringing it up to her mouth to take a sizeable gulp. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said before turning around to go back down the stairs.
Xander sighed deeply. Finally, he had a victory over her. She let something go. It was good to know she was capable of it.
***
Olivia took her cell phone out of her purse on her way down the stairs, dialing a familiar number. “Hey, Mr. Brown, I’m afraid I have to cancel our appointment tomorrow. Would Friday morning work instead?”
Olivia had another appointment in the morning, after all. Xander just didn’t know it yet.
Chapter 4
Xander stepped outside, his helmet in hand, early in the morning in preparation for the big meeting. He took a second to soak in the sunlight, shutting his eyes and reveling in how the heat felt on his skin. But when he opened his eyes again, he had to resist the urge to run back into the building.
Olivia was standing next to his bike, a perfectly manicured hand balanced on the seat.
Goddammit!
Xander groaned as other MC members walked out of the lounge and saw her standing there. He really didn’t want to make a scene here. If he yelled at Olivia to go, the other boys would probably get involved and maybe get too rough with her. If he tried to tell her to go politely, he would look weak. Maybe I should just act like it was planned all along. No, no, impossible. It was too dangerous. He’d have to find a quiet way to get her to fuck off.
“You just never take no as an answer, huh?” Xander whispered into Olivia’s ear.
She grinned up at him, sliding goggles down over her glasses. “Nope, not really my style. So we going for a ride or what, boss?”
Xander battled internally between “yes” and “no.” If he rejected her, would she ever come back? Wait, wasn’t getting rid of her a good thing? But then he’d never get to fuck her again. But on the other hand, she’d be safe. Maybe the best way to go about it was just to show her what it was like, just once. That would scare her enough to keep her off the road, but not so much that she’d run away entirely. “Okay,” he finally said after several seconds of deliberation. “You can come. Just this once.”
“Okay, just this once, that’s fine,” Olivia agreed, but the mischievous glint in her smile told him otherwise.
“I’m only taking you to get you off my back, all right? So stop the nagging,” he said with as snarky a tone as he could manage. A moment later, he realized he just handed her a way to get whatever she wanted: nag him to death until he gave in. Dammit.
“Got any tips for me on my first day?” she asked cheerily.
“Yeah. Keep your mouth shut. Dan’t go annoying any of the boys or they’ll make problems for you. Myself included,” he said.
“Aye, aye, Captain,” Olivia said. “Do I just get on the back?”
“Yep,” Xander said, gesturing behind him as he got on the bike. “Straddle me.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Olivia said under her breath as she swung her leg over the bike and wrapped her arms around his waist.
Xander felt heat flare up his spine and he thought about yesterday, how she looked spread underneath him, how her body bounced around with every single thrust. God, he couldn’t wait to get inside her again.
He switched on his bike and revved the engine, a sign to the other boys that he was impatient to get going. Xander noticed the strange looks the other boys, Finn and Ezra and Collin and fucking Roger, shot his way, bewildered at the sight of a strange woman on the back of his bike.
“Where we going first, boss?” Ezra asked.
“The Scorpions’ Nest,” Xander said, then lowered his voice to whisper to Olivia. “Friendly club. We have a meeting to hash out the details of a deal.”
“Can I come in and watch? I’ll be quiet,” Olivia asked as Xander started his bike, rolling along slowly until they hit the main road.
Xander laughed, loud enough that she could hear it over the bike’s engine. “Ha! No chance. You’ll sit outside.”
“You like bossing me around,” Olivia said. It wasn’t a question, but Xander didn’t argue with her. He felt her lean forward onto his back, her arms tightening on his waist.
“You scared?” he asked. He wasn’t sure if he was asking if she was afraid of the bike, or of him bossing her around. Maybe both.
“No. Yes. Maybe,” she said. He felt something squeeze his arm hard, and he looked down for a half-second to see her immaculately painted nails digging into his jacket.
“It’ll be okay,” he said, trying to be as reassuring as possible without looking weak.
“I know,” she said, giving his arm another full-pressure squeeze. “I’m with you.”
Xander sped up, grinning at the small yelp he heard Olivia emit behind him. The wind whipped past his face and the sun was shining down on his head. He loved this part: riding fast and feeling the world slide away. He just wished he could do it without the entourage. It would be so nice, to close his eyes and rush forward on an empty road, just him and the wide-open sky and those little arms wrapped around his waist—
What the fuck? Xander shook his head, trying to dislodge the weird fantasy that cropped up in his mind. It’s not like it was ever going to happen anyway.
After a few minutes of blissful silence, Xander had to slow down his bike and slide into the parking lot of The Scorpions’ Nest. Even this early in the morning, a few women in crop tops and short skirts sat on the bench in front of the bar, their legs splayed out in invitation as the bikers shut off their engines.
“Hey, there, honey bunch,” Hannah said as Xander hopped off his bike.
“Who’s that?” Olivia asked in a lowered voice, hovering behind Xander.
Xander was half-tempted to pat her on the back or something, anything to get her to chill out, but then his inner voice intervened: you’re supposed to want her
to get scared, remember? This is a good sign. She’ll get off your fucking back.
He waved over to Hannah, giving her a half-smile, before turning around to face Olivia. “She’s just a girl I know. Sells sex here.”
“Oh. Oh,” Olivia said, her face flushed. Xander wondered if the wind had whipped her face raw on the bike or if she was embarrassed at being so obviously out of place, standing outside this rough bar with working girls surrounding her.
Hannah got up and walked over to him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders. “Been a while, Xander.”
“Yep,” Xander said, half-heartedly returning her hug before shrugging her off his body. “Sorry about that.”
Hannah stared at Olivia, not saying anything for a long minute before Olivia finally twitched in discomfort and offered a hand. “Hi. Sorry, I’m Olivia. I’m with Xander.”
“Oh?” Hannah’s face was unreadable for a second before a half-smile spread across her lips. “Good for you, Xander. ‘Bout time, darling.”
Xander felt his stomach drop at the implication. “Nah, no, not like that,” he rushed to say.
“Oh. Well still. Nice to meet you, hun,” Hannah said before walking over to one of Xander’s men, rubbing up on his shoulder as a part of her sales pitch.
“Wait outside with the girls, okay?” Xander said to Olivia, beginning to march toward the inside of the club before Olivia stilled him with a hand on his elbow.
“Hey, just give me one minute, all right?” Xander clenched his jaw in frustration and stared at her expectantly. “Why did you freak out when that girl said I was with you?”
Xander dropped his voice to a whisper. “I fucking told you yesterday. We’re just messing around.”
Olivia rolled her eyes. “Yeah, no, I get that. That’s not why I’m asking. Your entire body flushed. Why?”
“Can this wait?” Xander hissed, gesturing to the club. He had fucking business to do.
“Just a second, okay, I’m doing my job, too,” Olivia retorted. “What is that girl to you?”
“Hannah? Nobody. Just a girl.”
“She said it’d been a while. Were you fuck buddies or something?”
Xander laughed humorlessly, shaking his head. “Are you seriously jealous?”
“No, I’m seriously onto something, and I can feel it,” she replied. “Were you?”
He sighed and shook his head.
“So you used to see her…and now you don’t…and she said something about it being about time for you to be with someone. Is she connected to Marta?”
Xander growled under his breath. “Yes, fine. Congratulations, Sherlock, you cracked the code. She was her friend. Big fucking deal. Will you let me go inside without making a fucking scene?”
Olivia leaned back on her heels, clearly satisfied with herself. “Yeah, have fun.”
Xander grunted in response before turning and walking inside the club, greeting The Scorpions that came into the bar room to see him.
What the fuck does she know about me? Nothing. Just a lucky guess.
***
“Lucky girl,” a voice behind Olivia said. She turned to see that girl, Hannah, standing behind her with her hands in the pockets of her jean shorts.
“Oh, no, not really, we’re not—” Olivia waved her hand around inarticulately, trying to get the point across. “A thing.”
Hannah pursed her lips a little in thought. “Really? Looks like something to me.”
Olivia felt tiny beads of sweat start to form on the back of her neck, hidden under her hair. “No, really. His uncle hired me for a job, that’s all.”
Hannah’s face changed, her mouth falling open. “Oh. Oh. Gotcha. Huh,” she said, biting down on her bottom lip. “Well, that’s interesting. If Old Jerry thought Xander needed it, I’m surprised he didn’t come to see some of the girls here or over at Pat’s House.”
“Oh! Oh, no!” Olivia rushed to say, feeling herself blush deeply. “Not like that. A different kind of job.”
“Oh,” Hannah said, gesturing for Olivia to follow her over to the front bench and take a seat next to her. “So, what kinda job? Like accounting or—?”
Olivia laughed. “No, no, I’m hopeless at math. It’s—” Olivia looked around to make sure nobody was listening in on their conversation. “If I let you in on the details, can you keep it between us?”
Hannah nodded. “That’s basically half of my job, keeping my mouth shut.”
Olivia leaned in, trying not to look obviously secretive in front of the rest of the girls. “So, um, I’m a parole officer and a counselor. Uncle Jerry wants Xander to replace him at the head of the club, but Xander’s been fighting and causing shit, and I’m here to straighten him out.”
Hannah cackled, clapping her hands together. “Oh, that’s so fucking rich. That’s great. Old Jerry, man.”
“Yeah,” Olivia said with a laugh. “Um, between you and me, I’m just trying to get him to open up and tell me how he’s feeling. That’s basically what I do, even with convicts. Get people to talk about their feelings.”
“Not gonna lie to you, hun, still sounds a lot like my job,” Hannah said with a laugh.
Olivia laughed and shrugged. “Yeah, well, it feels like that somedays.” She smiled at Hannah, feeling inappropriately close to this woman she’d just met. Maybe that was the magic of sex workers: they could build bridges faster than any architect. Hell, Olivia had spent months of her life convincing young female offenders not to slide into sex work, but she’d never really thought of the women who’d already made that leap. Looking across at Hannah, she felt warm, almost fuzzy, the way she always felt when she made new friends.
“So, um, what can you tell me about Xander that other people might not know?”
“Hmm,” Hannah murmured, chewing on her nails. “I think the only person who doesn’t know everything about Xander is Xander.”
“Except for me,” Olivia said.
“Well, you’ll catch up,” Hannah said. “Give it a week.”
“Come on, just one hint? One thing about him that he wouldn’t tell me?” Olivia begged.
Hannah smirked. “Okay. One working girl to another. I’ll tell you an open secret.”
Olivia looked at Hannah in silent question.
“Something we all know but don’t talk about. It’s like…almost dirty. It’d be sinful to discuss it, you know.”
Olivia nodded, even though she didn’t quite understand. What could be so bad?
Hannah leaned in even farther, until her lips were just about to touch Olivia’s ear. “Xander’s dad? Jerry got rid of him.”
“Got rid of?” Olivia repeated, not comprehending the meaning of it at first. Then, it hit her all at once, shocking her like she’d just been hit with like ice-water. “Oh. Oh, fuck.”
“Yep,” Hannah said as she stuck a cigarette in her mouth and lit up. “That about sums it up.”
“What—Why?”
Hannah shrugged. “I mean, obviously I wasn’t around back then. But I get the sense he was handsy, you know? Got too handsy with the girls, with Xander’s mom, with little Xander. So Jerry dealt with it.”
“Jesus,” Olivia sighed, leaning back against the brick wall of the club.
Hannah blew out a perfectly symmetrical cloud of smoke, aiming it away from Olivia’s face. “Jerry’s a good guy. He shows up for his family.”
Olivia tapped her fingers along her kneecap in thought. “And…Xander doesn’t?”
Hannah gave a sad smile. “Not anymore. Not since…well, I guess I’ve spilled too much for one day, already,” she said.
“No, no, I think I get it,” Olivia said. “Thank you, Hannah.”
She slipped the cigarette out of her mouth and offered the end of it to Olivia, who shook her head. “Never smoked?”
“Well, here and there,” she admitted.
Hannah grinned. “You’re here, the cig’s there,” she said, a sing-song cadence to her voice. “Come on, pretty lady, take it. One puff won’t kill y
a.”
Olivia smiled weakly and took the cigarette, her hand shaking. She’d never smoked in the light of day before. Sealing her lips around the end of the cig, it felt like the first time she’d ever done it in her life, and she had to talk herself through inhaling steadily so she wouldn’t choke.
“Atta girl,” Hannah said as Olivia blew out a ring of smoke, the insides of her lungs burning gently. It felt good. It felt familiar, like in a past life she was a bad girl hanging out on the bleachers with her best friend.