by Jo Goodman
"Courtney, take Garland up to the nursery. The things I have to say aren't suitable for young ears."
Flashing Noah a sympathetic grin, Courtney disappeared into the house.
"You didn't have to send her inside," said Noah as he tickled Gideon's belly. "Jessa's upstairs, if that's what you were preparing to upbraid me for. She went in the front door and she needs some time to herself. I came around here because that's where Ashley said I'd find Gideon." At the sound of his name Gideon's eyes widened. "Yes, you're Gideon. Can you say that? Mmmm? Can you?"
The twin spots of color in Charity's cheeks faded a little. "Dare I inquire why Jessa requires time to herself?"
"Of course," he said easily. "Firstly, she is a bit daunted at the thought of facing all of you after what she did. Secondly, she wants to change her clothes. They're a bit, ummm, rumpled. And thirdly, just above an hour ago I told her that I love her and she doesn't know what to make of that." He kissed his mother on her furrowed brow and before she could ask anything else, he carried Gideon into the house.
Dinner that evening was not as uncomfortable as Jessa thought it might be. If the McClellans were curious as to what had taken place between her and Noah, Jessa decided they were to be credited for their discretion. Even when Charity suggested they take drinks in the music room no one pulled her aside to ask any questions.
Jessa sat beside Noah on one of the small sofas. His arm circled her shoulders as she leaned into him. She wondered if he were as contented as he looked or if he were hiding the same frayed nerves as she. The short, abrupt musical tones of the harpsichord became the background of her thoughts as Noah occupied all of her senses. His touch, his fragrance, the sound of his laughter as he responded to a query from his father, held Jessa's complete attention. By slow degrees she began to relax, less from the wine she was drinking and more from the serenity Noah projected.
When Ashley paused in her playing Charity turned to Noah. "Do you really have to leave on the morrow?"
"I'm afraid so," Noah said. "The trip will take longer with Jessa and Gideon. And Cam if he wants to come."
"You could take the Clarion," Salem suggested. "It's not making another Atlantic run for several weeks."
Noah rolled his eyes. "No, thank you. Father's already offered me use of one of the carriages. The best sprung one, I might add, not that it will make much difference on the roads. Henry's going to be our driver and I'm taking General along."
"Take Willow, too," Robert said. "You're not the only one who might enjoy riding outside the carriage occasionally, and I wouldn't put Jessa on General's back until he takes a gender turn."
Jessa flushed with pleasure at the thought of having her own mount. "That's very kind of you. I should like it above all things." She glanced at Noah. "That is, if it's all right with you?"
Before Noah could answer, Rae snorted lightly in response to Jessa's uncertain question. "Did Noah beat you this morning?" she asked forthrightly.
"Rae!"
"Rahab!"
"Red!"
Drawing herself up defensively, Rae shrugged off her family's censure. She held Jessa's startled eyes. "I know my manners leave much to be desired, but no one else will ask and they want to know as much as I do. Did Noah drag you back or did you come of your own free will?"
"You don't have to answer that," Jericho told Jessa while he shot his wife a dark look.
"No, it's all right," Jessa said quietly. "Actually, I was wondering why no one said anything. I've rather been on pins and needles waiting. I thought perhaps Noah had already made some explanations."
"He's been extremely closemouthed," said Rae. "And unbearably smug."
"That's because it's really none of your affair," Noah said, his voice dripping honey.
Jessa nudged Noah lightly in the ribs to halt his exchange with his sister. "I don't mind Rae's concern," she said. "In truth, Rae, Noah didn't drag me here. I wanted to return with him. I don't know what he would have done had I wanted otherwise, but it didn't come to that. We managed to settle some of our... differences. This is where I want to be."
Noah anticipated Rae's next question and held up one hand to stop her. "Don't ask what our differences were, Rae. Suffice it to say that you all were correct this morning when you told me Jessa must have thought she had very good reason to leave. I'm afraid I gave her a number of reasons. You'll have to be satisfied with that."
"We're satisfied," said Jericho, laying his hand firmly on his wife's forearm. "Aren't we, Red?"
"I suppo..." She felt Jericho's fingers tighten a bit and smiled brightly. "Oh, yes. We're satisfied."
Jessa watched the interplay between husband and wife. Without hinting at the amusement she found in Rae's immediate capitulation, she asked, "Does he beat you?"
"What a novel idea," Jericho interjected dryly.
There was an explosion of laughter as Rae had the grace to look shamefaced. The light sprinkling of freckles on her nose disappeared beneath the flush that warmed her complexion. Rae's smile was sheepish as she looked at Jessa. "Touché," she said. "I deserved that."
"Beautifully done," Noah whispered in Jessa's ear. He leaned away again and caught Ashley's eye. "I think you'd better play something, Ashley. Jericho still seems to be considering the merits of beating his wife."
Happy to oblige, Ashley swiveled on the bench and struck a series of dramatic minor chords. Everyone laughed at Rae as she played along and looked warily at her husband. Ashley's fingers began a lighter melody and good humor reigned for the rest of the evening.
Jessa was still enveloped in a warm glow when she and Noah retired to their own room. She flitted about the room, humming to herself as she lit candles and drew the drapes.
Amused, Noah leaned against the door and watched her, his arms folded across his chest. "You enjoyed yourself tonight, didn't you?"
"Enormously," she agreed, sitting on the edge of the bed. She kicked off her shoes. "I don't remember the last time I laughed so much."
"I do. It was this afternoon when you were hiding from..."
Jessa's smile was prim. "You're wicked to remind me of that."
"Perhaps I am." He pushed away from the door. "You handled Rae very well."
"I like her, Noah. She's so... so—"
"Inquisitive? Aggravating?"
"Lively," corrected Jessa. "In fact, I like all your family. I'll be sorry to leave them."
Noah went to the wardrobe, slipped off his jacket, and hung it up. His back was to Jessa as he spoke. "Would you rather remain behind for a few weeks? I suppose it would give me time to set the house in order and—" He stopped when he felt Jessa's arms slide around his waist He hadn't even heard her cross the floor. The pressure of her cheek against his back felt good.
"I want to go with you. So does Gideon."
Noah turned and searched Jessa's face. "Do you mean it?"
She nodded. "I'll miss your family when I go, but I'd miss you more if I stayed."
Bending his head, Noah kissed her warmly on the mouth. "That pleases me greatly."
It was an odd feeling, this wanting to please him. She smiled as her hands dropped away. "Will you help me with my gown?"
Turning her around, Noah undid the laces then gave Jessa her nightshift from the wardrobe. By the time he was ready for bed Jessa was already in it, curled on her side in the middle. He blew out the candles and slipped under the covers.
Darkness gave Jessa the courage she had been seeking most of the day. As soon as Noah was settled she touched his forearm lightly. "Noah?"
"Hmm?"
"I have to talk to you about what you said this afternoon."
"I said a lot of things." He felt his heart give a little lurch. He had almost given up hope that she would broach the subject. Her thoughts had been a mystery to him since they left the river. "Are you referring to something in particular?"
She sighed. "Please don't make this difficult for me. I think you know what I mean."
Noah brought his knees up. They nudged Jess
a's. "Jessa, if what you have to say to me is difficult, then perhaps you're not ready to say it I meant it when I said I loved you. As much as I would like to hear those words from you, I can appreciate you might not return my feelings or even believe me. I can hope that will change one day."
"You don't understand," Jessa said miserably. "I don't want to talk about what I feel. I want to talk about what you feel. It's not right, Noah. You can't love me."
Noah's brows raised a notch. Here was a twist he hadn't expected. "I can't?"
"Well, you can. But it would be wrong."
"Why wrong?"
"Because it would be dishonest. Not for you, but for me. I don't want you to love me, Noah. I thought I did, but I don't. At least I don't think I do." She took a deep breath. "I'm not explaining this well, am I?"
"No, not well." He rolled away and lit one of the candles on the bedside table. "There. That's better. I don't like it above half trying to understand you when I can't see your face." When he turned back to Jessa he saw she had pulled the counterpane over her head. He suppressed his laughter. "Jessa! What maggot have you taken into your head this time?"
Her voice was muffled. "It's no good, Noah. I've lied about so many things and you'll hate me if I tell you, so I can't. But I don't want you to love me either, because it isn't fair to you and I don't know what to do any more."
Noah propped himself on one elbow and gently gave the covers a tug. "What lies, Jessa?"
She shook her head, her eyes pleading with him.
The smile vanished from his face. He thought that hiding under the covers had simply been a bit of silliness of her part. Now he saw it wasn't the case at all. She really was frightened. "Do you trust me?" he asked.
"I want to," she admitted. "You don't know how much I want to. I told you before, Noah. I'm a coward. I'm afraid of what will happen."
Noah's fingers stroked her hair on the pillow. He felt her faint trembling. "Let's suppose you did set these lies straight," he said. "What is it you think I would do?"
"Besides coming to hate me, you mean?"
"Besides that."
"I can't tell you," she said forlornly. "I would give myself away."
"I see."
"No. You don't. That's just it And I don't know how to set it right."
Noah was silent for a long while. Finally he said, "Perhaps I can make it easier for you if I tell you a few things first."
Jessa looked at him hopefully. "What things?"
"I didn't love you when I offered to take you on the Clarion." He put a finger to her lips when she would have interrupted him. "I felt sorry for you and... and I felt drawn to you. Those emotions were as compatible as a spark and gunpowder. I wanted you and then I despised myself for taking advantage of the need that brought you to me. No one, least of all you, could have forced me to accept a marriage I didn't want—even a temporary one. I chose not to tell you these things because I had no wish to appear vulnerable to you. It was enough that I knew my vulnerability. I was not unafraid that you would use or trick me again. After all, you were merely looking for a way to flee England."
"Then you discovered my part in the robbery."
He nodded. "And it seemed that hardening my heart against you was the best course. Unfortunately, it was a plan more easily conceived than carried out You drew me to you in ways no woman ever has. Jessa, I fell in love with you in spite of the lies you told me. You need to know that because anything you tell me now isn't going to change the way I feel."
"Don't say that, Noah. You don't know enough to say something like that."
"I know more than you think I do."
Jessa's eyes widened slightly. "What do you mean?"
"I know Gideon isn't your child," he said, watching her carefully. "I've known it for a long time. I wanted you to tell me yourself."
"You know?" Jessa sat up, hugging her knees to her chest. She rested her back against the headboard. "But how could you—"
"Does it really matter how I came to realize it?"
"No, I suppose not, but if you know then someone else might—"
Noah's soft chuckled interrupted her. "It's highly unlikely that anyone else will find out the way I did." At her frown, he continued. "It was because you were a virgin, Jessa. I know what you told me at the time, but after a little reflection and a little counting, I knew your story wasn't true."
"But you never let on."
"I told you, I wanted you to tell me. Tonight is the closest you've ever come to it." He sat up and faced her, holding a pillow against his midsection. "And actually I did let on," he said, smoothing the pillowcase. "In a number of ways. I was furious with you. I felt betrayed again. It's one of the reasons I was determined to assert my rights over you. I needed to feel in control, take my revenge. The only thing I accomplished, however, was hurting both of us and making it even more difficult for you to tell me the truth. For my part, I vowed never to trust you again." He shook his head slowly, sighing. "I want that to change, Jessa. I want to believe in you. I've never felt as... as desolate as I did this morning when I realized I had finally pushed you out of my life."
"I don't understand you," Jessa said, absently twisting her braid. "This matter of trusting can't be one-sided. Just this afternoon you pretended to be jealous of Robert Grantham. You lied to me as well. You knew all along he didn't exist."
"I wasn't pretending," Noah denied. "Not entirely. There was a time that I did believe in him. You used his name to stop me from making love to you. Can you begin to imagine how much I hated him then? You spoke of him as if he were real. I began to think he was your fairytale hero. You were so convincing whenever I asked you about him. Hell, you even described him to me!"
"How can I tell you more? You haven't even heard the worst of the lies and I know you're getting angry just thinking about it This is never going to work."
Noah drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, calming himself. He got out of bed and sat in the nearby rocker. Distance helped. "Are you giving up already? What happened to standing your ground?"
"You made it sound so simple."
"What are you afraid of? That I'll send you and Gideon on the next ship back to England?"
She nodded jerkily.
"That isn't going to happen," Noah said, leaning forward in his chair. "I know you're running from something, Jessa. It's your way. And I'm not going to send you back to it no matter what it is."
"You can't promise that... you don't know."
"I know I'm not going to turn my back on you. I know I want to help you. You asked for protection. If you won't allow me to give you anything else, allow me to give you that."
"Why would you want to?"
"Because I love you."
Jessa could hardly believe what she was hearing. "It doesn't make any sense that you should."
One corner of Noah's mouth lifted in a half-smile. "Well, there you have me. It may not make any sense, but it's true nonetheless." He got out of the rocker and sat on the edge of the bed, drawing his legs up and crossing them in front of him. "Actually, Jessa, it does make sense to me. I happen to think there is a great deal about you worth loving. More, apparently, than you yourself realize. You're brave and gentle and fierce and vulnerable, all at the same time. You are exactly what you need to be in any situation. You adapt and survive and grow stronger. I didn't always want to love you. Lord knows, I fought what was happening time and time again. In the end, all my struggling came to nothing. I love you, Jessa."
"I don't deserve you," she said, working the words past the tight lump in her throat.
"You don't have a choice any longer. Like it or not, you have me." He lifted one corner of the counterpane and gave it to her so she could dry her eyes. "Now tell me about Gideon."
Jessa collected herself, wondering how she would unravel all her lies. "His name is Adam Penberthy," she said. "I was his nanny."
"Penberthy? That was the name of the people in the carriage that almost ran us down in London." His ey
es narrowed. "Didn't you tell me Edward Penberthy was the man who accosted you at Grant Hall?"
She nodded. "It's true that he made advances," she said, regarding Noah anxiously, willing him to believe her. "Most everything I told you about that was true, except the incident did not take place at Grant Hall. It was at Penberthy Manor. And of course, Edward did not come to the nursery to comfort a grieving widow. He came to take advantage of someone in his service."
"Edward is Gideon's... Adam's father?"
"Don't call him Adam. And no, Edward is not his father. They are third cousins. The relationship may even be more distant than that, I'm not certain. Edward was named guardian after Gideon's mother and father were killed in a carriage accident. Kenyon and Claudia Penberthy had hired me only weeks after Gideon was born. I met them in London. They were acquaintances of Lady Howard."
"So you -were a paid companion."
"Yes. That was true. I realize you have reason to suspect everything I've ever told you, but there are fewer lies than you might think. Mary helped me with much of my story. We rehearsed it together. She warned me not to stray far from the truth because I would only tangle myself."
"Wise advice," he said dryly. "It served you well."
Jessa grimaced at his tone. "You're not making this easy."
"I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "That wasn't kind. Is it safe for me to assume that everything you told me about your own family is true?"
"Yes."
"And that everything about the Granthams is a lie?"
"Yes. There never were any Granthams."
"All right. Go on. You were saying that Gideon's parents hired you...."
She nodded. "Claudia specifically requested that I take the position at the manor. She was sympathetic of my circumstances and thought I was better suited to dealing with Gideon than working for Lady Howard. I was happy to accept her offer. I enjoyed Lady Howard's company, but living in London was an awkward existence at best. Too often I was reminded how my life might have been different if my father had been anything but what he was. Penberthy Manor offered seclusion. It was also not far from where Mary lived, and the Penberthy's had no objections when anyone in Mary's family visited me. I felt as if I had family again. It was a good arrangement all around."