by David Lubar
I got up from the floor. It was still early. I can stay up later than Pit. But I was feeling really tired. And worried. Especially about not seeing red. And about all the drooling. It was bad enough being big and stupid. It would be awful to be all slobbery on top of that. People who don’t care either way about sweat can get all funny about a little bit of spit. That’s a fact.
Right now, all I could do was get ready for bed. Maybe I could figure out something tomorrow. Or better yet, maybe I’d wake up and be all normal, like when you go to sleep sick but in the morning your fever is all gone. That’s the best kind of problem—the kind that goes away all by itself.
But I didn’t get better while I was asleep. I got buggier. A whole lot buggier.
Ten
EAT PLENTY OF GREENS
I woke up early again. Bud was still snoring away. At least this time I wasn’t hanging from the ceiling. As I sat up on the edge of the bed and stretched, I noticed there were dark things all over my pajama top.
“What the heck?”
I reached down and tried to brush one off. It was like a thin spike, about as thick as the tube inside those clear pens. The spike didn’t brush off. I pulled at one, but it wouldn’t pull out, either. When I pulled, I felt this strange tugging at my chest.
I didn’t like that feeling at all. I yanked off my top. Oh man. The things were stuck on me. No. It was even worse: They were growing out of me. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.
All over my chest, on my arms, too, I had them. Wherever I had a bite, a thick hair or two was sticking up. I touched the tip of one. It was springy, but kind of sharp, too. Then I felt my chest. The skin around the hair had turned hard, like plastic. I tapped it with a fingernail, and it made this clicking sound.
Man. I didn’t want anyone to see that. They’d think I was some kind of freak. There’s a kid in school with a bunch of pimples on his forehead, and everyone makes fun of him. I can imagine what they’d do to me.
Someone was walking down the hall. It sounded like Dad. I slammed the bathroom door shut and grabbed a shirt from the laundry basket on the floor. It didn’t help. The hairs stuck right out through the shirt.
Oh man. I reached under the shirt and tried to smooth the hairs down. They sprang right back up.
I looked around the bathroom. I saw Dad’s razor. But the thought of cutting the hairs made me shiver. I was afraid it would hurt. Worse, I was afraid what might drip out of them if I cut them. Maybe some kind of green goo.
There had to be something I could do. Dad’s hair gel! That was it. I grabbed the jar and scooped up a big handful, then reached under my shirt and tried again. This time, the hairs stayed. After I’d slicked down the hairs on my chest, I took care of the ones on my arms.
I opened the door and walked into the hall, going past Dad.
He looked at me and sniffed. “You smell nice,” he said.
Oh man. I’d forgotten that Dad’s hair gel smelled. I just couldn’t win. If I kept it on, I’d smell like a barbershop. If I washed it off, I’d be walking around with hairs sticking out all over my chest, looking like a porcupine or a cactus person.
I went down to breakfast.
“You smell nice,” Mom said. She smiled.
Pit shook his head. “You stink,” he said. He pinched his nose.
I checked my shirt, making sure none of the hairs had popped back up. Now I really didn’t feel like eating. “I got to get to school early,” I said. I stood up from the table and headed for the door.
It felt strange walking to school by myself. I was so used to going everywhere with Bud. But I just had to get away. It was still early, and there was nobody in the yard when I got there. I walked around back. There was this spot off on the side where each class plants a tree when they graduate. They’d been doing it since the school was built thirty years ago, so some of the trees are pretty big. I went over there and leaned against a tree. According to the sign, it had been planted ten years ago.
I stood for a while, trying to figure out what to do. The voice startled me.
“Lud, stop that. You’re killing the tree.”
I looked up. It was Dawn. She pointed at my hand. I hadn’t realized I was holding a handful of fresh, green leaves. Worse, when I tried to say something, I realized my mouth was full. I spat out a hunk of half-chewed leaves.
“You are so gross,” she said.
“But…” I looked at the tree. Two of the lower branches were bare. All the leaves were gone. My stomach felt full, like I’d just stuffed myself with three or four hot dogs. Oh man, I’d been eating leaves. And I didn’t even know what I was doing. It was like when you get going on a bag of chips and eat them without thinking about it. Once, I watched Bud eat a whole bag of oatmeal-raisin cookies while he was watching television. I don’t think he even tasted them. But this wasn’t chips or cookies. It was leaves.
Then Dawn smiled and said, “But I’ll say one thing for you—you smell nice.”
“Thanks.”
“Just take it easy on the trees.” She walked off. I looked around. There still wasn’t anyone in the yard. Dawn must have come early to work on a project. At least nobody else had seen me.
There was no question. I needed help. But there wasn’t anybody in my family who could help me. If it was a problem with a machine, I could ask Dad. If it was a problem with regular kid stuff, I could ask Mom. But this wasn’t something a mom or dad would know about.
I didn’t have a choice. There was only one person smart enough to help me. Except I wasn’t sure I could show him my problem without scaring him to death.
Eleven
SHOW AND TELL
I had to talk to the nerd. When you need a screwdriver, don’t try to do the job with a fork. That’s what Dad says. I walked out to the front of the school and waited. Finally, I saw him coming down the street with his show-off friend, Sebastian. I headed toward them, wondering how I could get the nerd alone so I could talk with him.
But as soon as they spotted me, they turned off and dashed for the back door of the school. By the time I got there, they’d gone inside.
Then the bell rang, so I went in, too. I started searching the halls. I knew I’d catch up with the nerd in my first class, but I wanted to talk to him right away.
“Hey, wait up.”
I looked over my shoulder. It was Bud. “Not now,” I said.
“Why’d you run off?” he asked.
“I’ll tell you later.”
The bell rang. I rushed into class. The nerd was already at his seat. I headed toward him.
“Okay, everyone,” Mr. Phermat said. “Let’s get settled. Take your seats. There’ll be no talking during the test.”
Oh man. I sat down and tried to get the nerd’s attention. He didn’t even look my way. He seemed happy to be taking a test.
It would have to wait until the end of class. I looked at the test. Man. There weren’t even any airplane problems. It was all trains and cars and stuff. I’d bet Mr. Phermat did it that way just to make sure I’d flunk.
I’d show him. I got out my pencil and tried my best. But it was no use. The problems didn’t make any more sense than they ever did. Worst of all, I was trying so hard, I didn’t even hear the bell. The next thing I knew, Mr. Phermat was standing at my desk, taking my test paper from me. I looked around. The nerd had already gone. He’d probably been the first one to hand in his test.
I left the class and checked the hall. The nerd was far ahead. He stopped at the end of the hall and looked around. Then he ducked into the boys’ room. Perfect. I’d finally be able to talk to him. I went down the hall and followed him in. By then, he was at the sink, washing his hands. A blast of hot air hit me. The radiator was stuck, so it was on all year round.
As the door closed behind me, the nerd glanced over. His eyes locked on me for a second with a look of so much fear that I laughed. I couldn’t help it. He turned his head away.
I walked over to him. He tried to dash past me.
; “Not so fast,” I said, putting out a hand to block him.
He leaped back, his eyes darting around the room. Then he started talking to himself. “I knew I should have waited until I got home. It was only three more hours. I knew it. I could have waited.”
“Stop babbling,” I said.
“Yeah. Absolutely. No more babbling.” He nodded, then jammed his hand in his right front pocket and pulled out a bunch of change. “Here, that’s my lunch money. Take it. If it’s not enough, I’ll get more.”
“I don’t want your money,” I said.
“Homework?” he asked, holding up his notebook. “It would never pass as yours, but you’re welcome to it.”
“No.” I smacked the notebook out of his hand. “I don’t want your stupid homework.”
He scrunched his eyes real tight. “Just make it quick. Okay? Alacrity would be appreciated. Get it over with. Don’t break my glasses. Mom really hates when that happens.”
“I’m not going to hurt you!” I yelled. Though it was going to be a hard promise to keep.
He opened one eye. “Then what is the purpose of this encounter?”
“Help me,” I said.
“With what?”
I reached down and pulled up the front of my shirt.
He screamed and leaped away like a human cricket. I thought he was going to jump through the little window at the back wall—the thick frosted one. But instead, his face changed. All of a sudden, he turned from a cricket to an owl.
“Chitinous exoskeletal material extruding cilia…,” he said, taking a step toward me. He reached out a hand and said, “May I?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
He lifted one of the hairs, poked at my chest, and said a bunch more stuff.
“What are you talking about?” I didn’t understand any of what he’d said.
He explained, but it was just another jumble of big words. I don’t think even most adults would have understood him. I waited for a sentence to pass by that I recognized as English. No such luck until finally, he said, “You appear to be taking on some of the attributes of an insect.”
“You don’t look surprised,” I said.
“I’ve encountered numerous strange events,” he told me. “The density of phenomena in this vicinity is staggering.”
I had no idea what that meant, either, but at least he seemed interested. “So, can you help me?” I asked.
He grinned, and for the first time in my life, I felt scared of a little nerd. “I’d love to try.”
“So let’s go,” I said.
“Now?” He tore his eyes away from my insect body and looked up to my face. “Not while school’s on. I can’t skip school.”
“But—”
“Meet me out front after school,” he said. As he walked away, he looked back and said, “You know, you really smell nice.” Then he dashed out of the bathroom, spewing a trail of large words behind him.
I was about to leave when I found that I had another problem.
Twelve
SLIPPING THROUGH THE CRACKS
More hairs had started growing on my arms. Lots more. I couldn’t go through the school day like that. I turned my head to look at my face in the mirror.
Oh man.
No way. For a minute, I froze. I just couldn’t believe what I saw. But it was real. I’d turned my head around without turning my body. Whoa. I didn’t like that at all. I turned my head back around, then carefully turned my whole body. I checked the mirror. I was drooling so bad, I looked like some kind of stuck water fountain. Between the hairs and the spit, there was no way I wanted people staring at me. I had to get out. I figured I could hang around somewhere nearby and wait for the nerd. I’d get in trouble later for cutting class, but that kind of trouble was nothing. Not when you looked at what I was going through right now.
I peeked past the bathroom door to make sure nobody was in the hall, then slipped out.
Next thing I knew, I heard footsteps coming toward me. I ran down the hall the other way and headed for the gym. There was another door at the side of the gym, next to the bleachers.
Oh man. It was locked. I was doomed. The steps were following me. Teachers are like bloodhounds. Once they think there’s someone they can catch, they never stop chasing. I looked at the bottom of the door and saw a gap. At least half an inch.
Bugs could get in and out of just about anywhere. I’d seen it a million times. Bugs and hamsters. Bud and I had pet hamsters once. They got right out of their cage. I saw them slip under the opening—flat as a stomped soda can.
The footsteps came closer. I had to try. I dropped on my stomach and pushed my head against the bottom of the door. I halfway hoped it wouldn’t work. Because if I could do it, that meant I was a lot less normal than I wanted to be. As I pushed, I felt something flattening in my head. It was like my skull was made of plastic. Man. It was weird. I closed my eyes and pushed harder. Even with my eyes closed, I could tell my head wasn’t in the gym anymore. Everything was brighter. I opened one eye. My head had made it through the crack under the door. I kept pushing. I got my arms through. I didn’t want to look back, but I couldn’t help myself.
I wish I hadn’t. It was like my body was cut in half. My chest was partway through, but it disappeared under the door. I pulled the rest of myself through real fast before I could think too much about everything inside me squishing down. I didn’t see how it could be very healthy. But at least I’d gotten out of the building.
As I slid my feet out through the crack, my sneakers got stuck. I had to twist around and yank real hard. At first, that didn’t work. But I gave a super-hard tug, and they popped through. I heard footsteps on the gym floor. Then someone rattled the locked door.
I’d just made it.
Hey, I thought of a joke. How fast did I get out of the school? I got out in nothing flat. That’s a good one. But there’s no way I could explain it to anybody. What could I say? I was trapped in a room and then I got out by flattening myself. So I got out in nothing flat.
At least I was free. Now I just had to wait until the nerd got out of school.
As I walked around the side of the school, I saw Charlie, the custodian, talking to another guy. They were standing by the trees. Charlie grabbed one of the bare branches, where I’d eaten the leaves. I heard the other guy say, “No problem. I’ll be back to spray tomorrow.”
The guy walked to a truck. On the side, it said, BUG-B-GONE EXTERMINATORS. There was a picture of a dead bug painted under the name. Somehow, it made me feel sad.
I waited until Charlie left, then snuck back as far as I could between the trees, figuring I could hang out there until school ended.
Overhead, a plane rumbled. I looked up at it and I knew how fast it was going. I knew which direction it was headed.
I thought about how I’d slipped under the door. And about how I’d turned my head halfway around. I wondered what else I could do. I tried to remember what I’d seen at the museum. There were all those pictures of what bugs could do. They could jump real far and pick up heavy stuff.
Might as well try, I thought. I jumped. Whoa. Unbelievable. I shot up about ten feet. Too bad I didn’t like to play basketball. When I landed, I looked around for something to lift. I didn’t see any rocks. I saw a bug. A big one. Ms. Clevis’s shiny blue Volkswagen Beetle. I snuck over to the parking lot and grabbed the back bumper.
I pulled up, and the rear wheels left the ground. Wow. I put it down gently. As I walked back to the trees, feeling good about how strong I was, I realized something that took the nice feeling right out of me. I’d been strong all my life. It didn’t do me any good. It didn’t make people like me or want to be with me. It just made them afraid. Now I was even stronger. But it wouldn’t make any difference. Either way, I was just some sort of monster to them.
I hid beneath the trees and waited for school to get out.
Thirteen
HOME OF THE NERD
When the bell rang, I watched everybody leave th
e building. Bud came out right away and stood by the front door. He kept looking around. I guess he was waiting for me. That made me feel good. But I watched as everyone else walked around him. They all made sure not to get too close. Man. I’d been in the middle of it all my life, but it was even worse, seeing it from over by the trees. Nobody wanted anything to do with Bud.
I had an urge to go over, just so he wouldn’t be alone. But I didn’t want any of my teachers to spot me. Or any of the kids. Not with all these hairs sticking out of me. I felt real bad leaving him out there, especially since I knew he was waiting for me. And since I knew I wasn’t going to show up.
“Ready?”
The voice made me jump. Not a good thing, since I was under a big branch.
“Ouch!” I shouted as the branch smacked against my head. I rubbed the spot.
“Didn’t mean to scare you,” the nerd said.
“You didn’t scare me,” I told him. “Nothing scares me. You just surprised me. How’d you know I’d be here?”
This big smile stretched across his face. “Where else would you be?” he asked.
I wasn’t sure what he meant, so I let it drop.
He pointed to the tree next to me. “You’d better cut that out,” he said.
I looked over. Three or four of the branches were bare. I rubbed my tongue around in my mouth. Oh yuck. I’d been snacking again. “I didn’t know I was doing it,” I said.
He nodded. “Instinctive behavior. This is fascinating. Come on. Let’s go to my house. We can cut behind the school and avoid detection.”
I followed him, looking back to see if Bud was still there.
“Holy cow! Cut that out!” he shouted.
“What?” I asked.
“Turn your head back around,” he told me.
“Oh.” I’d forgotten I could do that.
“And here,” he said, holding out a handful of paper towels. “You might want to wipe your chin.”