She began gathering all the towels and rags, tossing them into a basket. Doing a load of laundry now would save her time after closing. If things didn’t pick up soon, she was going to close early and go home for a nap, she decided.
“Mom.”
Bent over to pick up a pile of towels, Jude hadn’t heard the door open, and she jerked upright. Joseph was standing just on the other side of the bar, looking for her.
“Joseph!” She dropped the basket and rounded the bar. “What are you doing here? Are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming down?”
She hugged her son, who towered over her by a full head, and then pulled back to look at his face. What she saw there took her breath away.
Joseph’s eyes were red and bleak. His mouth was tight and his jaw clenched. Jude was reminded of the days immediately after Daniel had died, when she would come upon her son holed up by himself, not wanting his mother or sister to see him cry.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” She began to pull him toward a table and then stopped. “Meggie? Is Meggie okay?”
Joseph nodded and spoke for the first time since he’d said her name. “I guess so. I mean, I haven’t talked to her in a while, but she texted me yesterday.”
Jude blew out a sigh. Something was tearing him up, but as long as both of her babies were alive and whole, she could handle anything.
“Sit down.” She pointed to the chair and sat across from him. “Do you want something to drink? Are you hungry?”
“No, thanks. Mom, I need to talk to you.” His lip almost quivered, but he clamped down again and scowled. “It’s important.”
“Okay. So talk.” When he opened his mouth and closed it again, Jude reached across the table to cover his hand. “It’s all right, baby. Nothing is so bad we can’t fix it, between us.” She swallowed. “You’re not sick, are you?”
He shook his head. “No, Mom. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I didn’t even think that you would assume—no. I’m okay.” He gripped her hand and took a deep breath.
“Remember Lindsay, Mom?”
Jude frowned. “The girl you were dating last year? Yes, of course. Pretty, smart—she was going to school to be a vet, right?”
Joseph nodded. “Yeah, she was.” He set his jaw again, and Jude thought she could hear his teeth grinding.
“Last year, remember when I went back to school? We thought Dad was going to be okay for a little while longer, and he told me to go back. He said I should.”
“Yes, I remember.” That whole time was a blur. Joseph had announced midway through the summer that he was taking a break from school so he could help Jude with Daniel, who had been declining quickly. When he seemed to rally for a few weeks, he insisted that his son should return to college, saying that his mother would need him more later. Three weeks after Joseph went back, Jude had had to call him home. He and Meggie had just made it to the house before Daniel passed.
“I was so messed up, Mom. I was scared about Dad, and I was partying too much.” Tears began to run down his face, and he no longer tried to hide them.
“One night, I got really drunk. Lindsay got me home, and I just lost it. I was crying, and she was, you know, holding me. Trying to make me feel better.”
Jude felt dread rising within her heart. “Okay.”
Joseph choked on a sob. “We slept together, Mom. And I wasn’t smart. We didn’t—I didn’t take precautions, like you and Dad always said. I was stupid and drunk.”
“Okay.” It was all she could get out. She held onto the word like a raft in the storm.
“So then I came home, when you called me, and then Dad...” His whole body shook. “Then Dad was gone.” He laid his head on the table. Jude moved her hand to stroke his head.
“What happened, Joseph? To Lindsay?”
He sniffed, hard, and raised his head, not quite meeting her eyes. “I emailed her. I told her I wasn’t coming back to school, not then, and I didn’t know when. And then I told her I needed a break, because I needed to be here for you and Meggie.”
He took in a long breath. “I didn’t hear anything back from her. I tried to email her a few times, I texted her, but she didn’t answer. I figured she was pissed, and I was mad because I thought she could be more understanding. I mean, my dad had just died.”
Jude nodded slowly. “Okay. And?”
“When I got back to school, I looked for her, and I asked around. Someone told me she had transferred to a school closer to home. She’s from Clearwater, remember? So I sent her another email, just saying I was back at school, that I missed her. And then yesterday, she called me.”
Joseph pulled his hands back and gripped the edge of the table. “She was pregnant, Mom. Lindsay had a baby. And it’s mine.”
The world spun just slightly, and Jude lost her breath for a moment. She mirrored Joseph’s stance, holding the table as though it could keep her from sinking and drowning.
“Joseph...” She said his name on a breath, a long whisper.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I screwed up, I know. I’m so sorry. I-I just--” He cried a little more before he could speak again. “Having to come home and tell you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Jude shook her head. “I don’t think so, Joseph. This is life-changing. I think you’re going to have lots of harder things coming right now.” She ran a shaking hand through her hair, trying to make sense of life.
“It’s a boy, Mom. The baby is a boy. I have a son.”
In spite of herself, in contradiction to the tears running down her cheeks, Jude found a smile.
“Lindsay sent me a picture. We talked last night for a long, long time.”
“Why didn’t she tell you she was pregnant earlier? Joseph, forgive me, but I have to ask this—are you sure the baby is yours?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I’m sure. Lindsay is from a really conservative family. She had never—before me, I mean.” He flushed. “And he looks like me. Look, Mom.”
He pulled his phone from his back pocket and showed her the screen. The startled face of an infant looked back at her, and after a moment of shock, Jude had to agree with Joseph. He looked just like her son had as a baby.
“She named him Daniel Joseph, and they call him DJ. When she told me that...Mom, I cried. I know I messed up, big time. I know I’m not ready to be a father. But I am, and I want to do a good job, like Dad. I want to make him proud.”
“What are you going to do?” Her head was spinning, and she couldn’t imagine what Joseph must be feeling. Or Lindsay, the poor girl...going through a pregnancy and birth without the father of her baby.
“I’m driving down to Clearwater tonight.” For the first time since he’d come into the restaurant, Joseph’s voice was sure. “Lindsay didn’t tell me about being pregnant because she didn’t want to—after Dad—she said she wasn’t sure I could handle it. But her family was great, and her parents have been helping her.
“I told her I wanted to see the baby and talk to her, so I’m going down there. I wanted to come and tell you in person, but I’m leaving right now. I want to get there before it gets too late.”
Jude bit back a sarcastic remark about it already being too late. Bitterness wasn’t going to change anything now.
“Mom.” Joseph held her hand again. “Do you hate me? Are you disappointed?”
She drew in a deep breath. “Joseph, of course I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. And no, I’m not even disappointed in you. I’m disappointed for you. This is going to change how you live your life.” She thought of the plans and dreams she and Daniel had for their son.
“But you know, it doesn’t need to mean the end of your life, or of Lindsay’s. I’ll do whatever I can to help you. It’s going to be hard work for you both, I’m not going to sugar coat it. But this doesn’t change how I feel about you. Nothing ever could.”
Tears swimming in his eyes again, Joseph wrapped her in tight hug. “I love you, Mom. Thank you.”
She
patted his back, determined not to break down until he left. “I love you, too, baby. Now you better get on the road. Please be careful. Text me when you get there.”
He kissed her cheek and was out the door. Jude watched him drive out of sight and then collapsed into her chair.
She laid her head on the table and cried.
***
Logan pulled into the parking lot of the Riptide about half an hour after Joseph had left. He saw Jude’s car in its usual spot and the closed sign on the door.
He half-expected the door to be locked—maybe hoped it would be--but the knob turned easily in his hand. He bit back a sigh at her tendency to ignore locks and went into the restaurant.
Jude sat at the bar. The lights were dim, but he could see that she was rolling a shot glass across the dark wood.
“Jude.”
She jumped a mile and for a moment he was afraid she would fall off the barstool. But once she spied him, she righted herself.
“Logan. Come in. Or, come over. I see you’ve already come in.”
Someone who didn’t know Jude, who hadn’t known her for thirty years, might have mistaken the precision of her words for sobriety. Logan, however, knew better.
“What’re we drinking, Jude?” Turning the lock on the outside door, Logan made his way to where she sat.
Jude grinned up at him. Her eyes were lined in red, and his heart broke a little more for her.
“I’m drinking Uncle John’s limoncello, Logan. This is an occasion, after all. Time to break out the good stuff.
Logan spied the bottle of sunny yellow liquor sitting on the bar next to Jude. Her uncle John lived in New Jersey and bottled his own lemon liqueur. He sent down bottles each holiday, and Logan remembered it was Jude’s favorite indulgence, whether she was celebrating or drowning sorrows.
She walked carefully around the bar and pulled out another shot glass. Placing it next to hers, she uncapped the bottle and tipped it over.
“How many of those have you had, Jude?”
She finished pouring, set the bottle upright and replaced the top. “I lost count after five. But now you’re here to help me count.”
She propped her elbows on the bar, picked up her glass and raised it to eye level. “To...life. Screwed up as it is.”
Logan followed suit, lifted his drink. “To life.”
Jude slammed hers down, closing her eyes and breathing out.
Logan drank his own, his eyes never leaving Jude. She still sat with her elbows up, thrusting her breasts into prominence. She’d taken down her hair at some point, and it was tousled around her shoulders. Even knowing what she was going through, he found it hard to breathe, watching her.
She opened her eyes and stared up into his. For a long moment, she didn’t speak, and then she licked her lips.
“Don’t you want to know what we’re celebrating, Logan?”
He couldn’t resist. He reached out and hooked one strand of hair on his finger. “I think I have a pretty good idea.”
“Really? I’d bet against you on that.” She poured another drink.
“Jude, maybe you’ve had enough.” But he drank what she poured him.
“Not nearly. So how would you know why I broke out the limoncello, Logan? Is that part of your mission in life? To keep your eye on me? Make sure I don’t go off the deep end?” She smiled, wide and almost sleepy, and Logan felt his heart skip.
“I know because Joseph called me on the way out of town. He was worried about you. He told me the whole story, asked me to come over and make sure you were okay.”
“Okay.” Jude dropped her head to the bar and laughed. “Yeah, I’m okay. What a stupid...” Her voice trailed off.
Logan smoothed her hair, let his hand rest in the crook of her neck. “I know. That was a dumb thing to say. Okay must be the last thing you’re feeling.”
Jude raised her head just enough to look at him. “Logan...I’m a grandmother. Did he tell you that? He has a baby. He got a girl pregnant.” She put her head down again.
“Jude, I know this has to be...devastating.” He wasn’t sure that was the right word, but it would do for now. “But it isn’t the end of the world. Joseph is a good kid. He made a mistake, sure, but that doesn’t mean--”
“I know.” She turned her head so that her cheek lay on the bar. “He’s a good kid. Daniel and I...we used to say, we’ve got good kids. Sure, they have their ups and downs. All of them do. And I never thought they were perfect. But I did think I’d always have Daniel there to go through it with me, when they had their downs. But I don’t. Today when Joseph came to tell me, I kept thinking...why am I doing this alone? Where is Daniel when I need him?”
Logan closed his eyes and moved his hand around to caress her cheek. “But you’re not alone, Jude. You never have to be.”
She didn’t respond, and this time Logan was the one to pour another round. He needed that last shot of courage.
With the burn still on his tongue, he leaned over the bar. Jude’s eyes were heavy but not shut. She glanced at him sideways.
“What are you doing, Logan?” The words were whispered, just a breath that feathered Logan’s mouth.
“I don’t know.” He whispered too, as though there were anyone to hear them. “But I think I’m going to kiss you.”
He lowered his mouth, bringing his lips softly on Jude’s. The moment they touched, something surged through Logan, straight to his groin. He groaned and leaned farther over, so that his mouth took full possession of Jude’s, no longer a simple kiss but full involvement of their lips and tongues.
He had expected a protest, or at best, a sleepy acquiescence. Instead, she answered his moan and opened her mouth, aggressively meeting stroke with stroke. Without lifting her head, she angled so that she had better access, and one hand came up to clutch at his hair.
Logan moved his hand down her back, as far as he could reach, but he wanted more. He stroked down her cheek, running his fingers over the smoothness of her skin to her neck. He paused to feel the tripping pulse just above her collarbone, and then traced the bone before lowering his touch to the rise of her breasts. She gasped, both then and again when he slid a finger beneath the fabric of her tank top, beneath the bra, just barely grazing a nipple.
His heart pounding, his head spinning from both the effects of the limoncello and her closeness, he pulled away from her mouth just long enough to grip her gently beneath the arms.
“Logan--”
“Shh.” He lifted her carefully up onto the bar, swinging her around and stepping back so that he stood between her legs. With better access now, he pulled her head down toward his own and plundered her mouth. Jude wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her hands in his hair.
Logan dragged his lips down her neck, his mouth now following the trail his hands had made. He pushed aside the thin cotton of her shirt and used one finger to slide the strap of her bra aside. He covered one breast with his mouth, laving the nipple through her bra. Jude moaned and held his head in place, her fingers gripping his skull.
He pulled the cup of her bra aside and suckled, while his hand rolled the other nipple. Desire rose higher in him, pounding between his legs, and while his mouth moved to the other breast, his hand stroked down her stomach to the snap of her shorts. He pulled it apart, but the angle was awkward. Instead, holding her around the back with one arm, he brought the other hand to the leg of her shorts and brushed within, just touching the cotton of her underwear.
“Logan.” It was a groan, as she leaned back to give him more access. Logan touched her first over the dampness of the material and then slipped two fingers within. Jude arched her neck back on a hiss of breath.
He kissed up the column of her throat to her ear lobe. “Jude, my God, you’re beautiful.”
She dropped her head into onto his shoulder. “Do you want to go upstairs? To the apartment?”
He turned her sideways and threaded an arm beneath her knees, scooping her up and holding her against hi
s chest. Lowering his head, he caught her lips again, and moved carefully around the tables and chairs until they reached the steps. He climbed one step at a time, keeping Jude’s head away from the wall.
It had been years since he’d been in the small apartment, but even in the semi-darkness, he could see the open bedroom door. He pushed the door wider with his foot and lay Jude on the bed.
The buzz from limoncello had given way to the high of touching Jude, kissing her. He leaned on one knee, the mattress dipping as he balanced with one hand on either side of her head. He kissed her once softly before he gripped the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head. Tossing it to the side, he took off his own and lay down, feeling her skin against his.
Jude ran her hands down his back, kissing his shoulders and then turning his head back toward her so that she could cover his lips. Her nails on his arms raised goosebumps. Logan slid a hand beneath her and unhooked her bra, catching his breath as he palmed her breast. His lips skimmed over her chest, and he sucked at one nipple, even as his hand covered the other.
Jude’s breath hitched. She trailed her hands to the top of Logan’s jeans and fumbled with the button.
“Hold on,” Logan murmured. He eased her shorts down, kissing down her legs and unhitching them when they caught on her feet. He stood for just a minute to shuck off his jeans, and then returned his mouth to Jude’s stomach, dragging lower and lower until he met the top of her underwear.
There was so much he wanted to do, so many things he wanted to experience with Jude, but the throbbing desire made him impatient. He hooked his fingers beneath her underwear, tugging down. Jude mirrored his actions with his boxers, and in moments nothing was between them.
Logan slipped his fingers within her folds, groaning again when she arched her back as though desperate to get closer to his hand. He eased one finger within her as he used his thumb to massage the small knob of nerves. She writhed, breathing hard.
“Logan, my God. Please...” Her voice was filled with raw passion, and Logan knew he could not wait a minute longer. He held himself over her, lacing his fingers with hers and holding her gaze before he plunged inside her.
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