‘Poor Gaston,’ murmured Lucy, dropping into third as her Aston rounded a corner.
‘Mostly my fault, I suppose,’ I admitted. ‘Come to think of it, I’ve been a bit of a mutt.’
‘Yes, you have rather, haven’t you?’ Lucy agreed cheerfully. ‘But you possess such a sweet nature, Gaston.’
‘Oh, come–’
‘You’ll always do anything for anybody. You let people push you around quite unthinkingly, like a revolving door.’
‘Oh, tut–’
‘That cousin of yours, for instance.’ I’d told Lucy the whole story during the cross-country journey. ‘You ought to stand up to him, Gaston. Stamp on his toes and spit in his eye.’
‘Difficult to spit in the eye of a chap who once gave you six of the best, just because he’d found you with a pot of strawberry jam under the bedclothes.’
‘What a pity, Gaston,’ Lucy continued, ‘you had no one at your side to support you against these people.’
‘It was, I suppose.’
‘Someone with strength of character.’
‘True enough.’
‘And with a mind of their own.’
‘Exactly.’
We turned another corner.
‘Aren’t we getting near the place?’ asked Lucy.
I glanced at the river running beside the road.
‘I can’t see the old boy anywhere.’
‘You’re sure he won’t mind? I mean, our just arriving like this?’
‘Since I got him out of clink in New York I don’t think he’d mind if I arrived at midnight with a travelling circus. Besides, he’s got bags of room. He usually runs a business men’s clinic, but that’s on hols at the moment.’
Lucy sighed.
‘After this afternoon, if I don’t have a week lying low and completely away from it all, I shall go as mad as my brother.’
‘I’m a bit worried about old George,’ I confessed. ‘After all, we did rather leave him in the clutches of the law.’
‘If they lock him up, Father will unlock him when he gets home next week. Though I shouldn’t think any self-respecting jail would put up with George as long as that.’
‘Here’s the house,’ I announced, as Sir Lancelot’s front gates came in sight.
I was a bit surprised to find the gates shut, with barbed wire along the top and a large red notice saying KEEP OUT.
‘The old boy may have sold up, I suppose,’ I suggested, feeling pretty mystified as I left the car to investigate.
The gates being unlocked, I swung them open for Lucy to drive inside. I was about to climb in again, when Sir Lancelot himself bobbed up among the shrubbery.
‘Good evening, Grimsdyke,’ he said, very genially. ‘An unexpected pleasure, is it not?’
‘Oh, good evening, sir.’ I stood staring at him.
‘Is this a social call? Or do you intend to stay?’
‘Well, I – er, I was rather thinking of asking you to put us up for a few days, sir. But then I didn’t quite foresee–’
‘You have a companion? Come out, young lady. I shall not eat you. Indeed, I remember you. I never forget a face or an abdomen. I once advised, at considerable expense to your family, that your father should have his stomach removed and you your tonsils. I believe nothing came of either suggestion.’
‘Good evening, Sir Lancelot. No it didn’t, I’m afraid,’ replied Lucy calmly.
‘A waste of money, you see.’ Sir Lancelot sniffed a rose he happened to be carrying. ‘I am at last realizing the laughable unimportance of money and the outward trappings of this world. A beautiful evening, is it not?’
‘Perhaps you may find it a trifle chilly, sir?’ I suggested.
‘Not quite yet. A little later perhaps.’ Sir Lancelot paused to listen to the birds. ‘Charming. Just like your earlier visit, Grimsdyke.’
It was, except that this time Sir Lancelot had no clothes on.
‘A return to Nature, Grimsdyke. There is nothing like it for physical and mental health. I hit upon the idea while seeing my wife off for a Scandinavian holiday earlier this week. I fancy she will feel perfectly at home when she returns. Of course my sunshine clinic is hardly yet under way, but I am sure we shall see many well-known bodies here before the snows of next winter. You two may, of course, stay as long as you like as my guests.’
‘I think, sir, that we’d better be getting on–’
‘As this is a clinic and not a camp, I separate the sexes during the day. We dress for dinner.’
‘The arrangement suits us perfectly, Sir Lancelot,’ said Lucy. ‘We’ve no luggage anyway.’
‘Very good, my dear. Perhaps you would proceed in the other direction and report to the Matron? Grimsdyke, you will come with me. We can still enjoy a pleasant game of basket ball with the others before dusk.’
‘Look here, Lucy – I mean, you’re not really serious – ?’
‘Of course I am, Gaston. I always try anything once. Besides, what have I got to worry about, with my figure?’
‘Come along, Grimsdyke.’
‘Lucy–’
‘Yes, Gaston?’
I swallowed. ‘Lucy, there’s something I’ve simply got to tell you.’
‘Yes, Gaston?’
‘That bee. On your neck. It was one of the sort which don’t sting.’
‘I know, Gaston. I looked it up in the bee book. But I never let it make the slightest difference to us.’
‘Come, Grimsdyke! Make haste.’
I wandered towards the shrubbery, removing my sports jacket.
I turned back. ‘Lucy–’
‘Yes, Gaston?’
‘Lucy, I haven’t got much of a job.’
‘I’ll persuade Daddy to give you one. Running his Medical Foundation, for instance.’
‘But your Father hasn’t got a Medical Foundation.’
‘I’ll persuade him to found one. It’d be very much easier than persuading him to put money into Basil’s beastly musical.’
‘If you please, Grimsdyke,’ commanded Sir Lancelot,
I took off my tie. ‘Coming, sir.’
I reached the cover of the bushes.
‘Lucy,’ I called. ‘Will you marry me?’
‘Of course, darling,’ Lucy called back.
‘The psychology of clothing,’ observed Sir Lancelot, with another sniff at his rose, ‘which has been thoroughly investigated by Krafft-Ebbing, presents several highly interesting psychiatric hypotheses. It is, of course, bound up with the taboo-complex, ingrained in all of us from the moment our maternity nurse puts on our first pair of baby’s nappies. In this manner we first become conditioned to certain areas automatically creating a sense of shame and anxiety…’
I stumbled happily into the sunset, removing my trousers.
‘Doctor Series’ Titles
(in order of first publication)
These titles can be read as a series, or randomly as standalone novels
1. Doctor in the House 1952
2. Doctor at Sea 1953
3. Doctor at Large 1955
4. Doctor in Love 1957
5. Doctor and Son 1959
6. Doctor in Clover 1960
7. Doctor on Toast 1961
8. Doctor in the Swim 1962
9. Love and Sir Lancelot 1965
10. The Summer of Sir Lancelot 1965
11. Doctor on the Boil 1970
12. Doctor on the Brain 1972
13. Doctor in the Nude 1973
14. Doctor on the Job 1976
15. Doctor in the Nest 1979
16. Doctor’s Daughters 1981
17. Doctor on the Ball 1985
18. Doctor in the Soup 1986
Humorous Novels
(in order of first publication)
1. The Captain’s Table 1954
2. Nuts in May 1964
3. Good Neighbours 1976
4. Happy Families 1978
5. Dr. Gordon’s Casebook 1982
6. Great Medical Disas
ters 1983
7. Great Medical Mysteries 1984
More Serious Works
(in order of first publication)
1. The Facemaker 1967
2. Surgeon at Arms 1968
2. The Invisible Victory 1977
3. The Private Life of Florence Nightingale 1978
2. The Private Life of Jack the Ripper 1980
3. The Private Life of Dr. Crippen 1981
Synopses
Published by House of Stratus
The Captain’s Table
When William Ebbs is taken from a creaking cargo boat and made Captain of a luxury liner, he quickly discovers that the sea holds many perils…probably the most perilous being the first night dinner, closely followed by the dangers of finding a woman in his room. Then there is the embarrassing presence of the shipping company’s largest shareholder, a passenger over board and blackmail. The Captain’s Table is a tale of nautical misadventure and mayhem packed with rib-tickling humour.
‘An original humorist with a sly wit and a quick eye for the ridiculous’ – Queen
Doctor and Son
Recovering from the realisation that his honeymoon was not quite as he had anticipated, Simon Sparrow can at least look forward to a life of tranquillity and order as a respectable homeowner with a new wife. But that was before his old friend Dr Grimsdyke took to using their home as a place of refuge from his various misdemeanours…and especially from the incident with the actress which demanded immediate asylum. Surely one such houseguest was enough without the appearance of Simon’s godfather, the eminent Sir Lancelot Spratt. Chaos and mayhem in the Sparrow household can mean only one thing – more comic tales from Richard Gordon’s hilarious doctor series.
‘Further unflaggingly funny addition to Simon Sparrow’s medical saga’ – Daily Telegraph
Doctor at Large
Dr Richard Gordon’s first job after qualifying takes him to St Swithan’s where he is enrolled as Junior Casualty House Surgeon. However, some rather unfortunate incidents with Mr Justice Hopwood, as well as one of his patients inexplicably coughing up nuts and bolts, mean that promotion passes him by – and goes instead to Bingham, his odious rival. After a series of disastrous interviews, Gordon cuts his losses and visits a medical employment agency. To his disappointment, all the best jobs have already been snapped up, but he could always turn to general practice…
Doctor at Sea
Richard Gordon’s life was moving rapidly towards middle-aged lethargy – or so he felt. Employed as an assistant in general practice – the medical equivalent of a poor curate – and having been ‘persuaded’ that marriage is as much an obligation for a young doctor as celibacy for a priest, Richard sees the rest of his life stretching before him. Losing his nerve, and desperately in need of an antidote, he instead signs on with the Fathom Steamboat Company. What follows is a hilarious tale of nautical diseases and assorted misadventures at sea. Yet he also becomes embroiled in a mystery – what is in the Captain’s stomach remedy? And more to the point, what on earth happened to the previous doctor?
‘Sheer unadulterated fun’ – Star
Doctor in Clover
Now Dr Grimsdyke is qualified he finds practising medicine rather less congenial than he anticipated. But the ever-selfless Grimsdyke resolves to put the desires of others (and in particular his rather career-minded cousin) before his own, and settle down and make the best of it. Finding the right job, however, is not always that easy. Porterhampton is suddenly rife with difficulties – as is being a waiter, as is being a writer. And writing obituaries is just plain depressing. Doctor in Clover finds the hapless Grimsdyke in a hilarious romp through misadventures, mishaps and total disasters.
Doctor in Love
In this hilarious romantic comedy, Richard Gordon awakes one morning with a headache. It takes him a while to realise he is ill – after all he is a doctor! Dr Pennyworth diagnoses jaundice and prescribes a spell in hospital. But amongst the bedpans and injections on Honesty ward, Richard falls in love – with his very own Florence Nightingale. However he soon learns that he has a rival for her affections, and unwilling to lose his love to the pachyderm Dr Hinyman, Richard sets out to impress… More medical mayhem from the hilarious Richard Gordon.
Doctor in the House
Richard Gordon’s acceptance into St Swithan’s medical school came as no surprise to anyone, least of all him – after all, he had been to public school, played first XV rugby, and his father was, let’s face it, ‘a St Swithan’s man’. Surely he was set for life. It was rather a shock then to discover that, once there, he would actually have to work, and quite hard. Fortunately for Richard Gordon, life proved not to be all dissection and textbooks after all… This hilarious hospital comedy is perfect reading for anyone who’s ever wondered exactly what medical students get up to in their training. Just don’t read it on your way to the doctor’s!
‘Uproarious, extremely iconoclastic’ – Evening News
‘A delightful book’ – Sunday Times
Doctor in the Nest
Sir Lancelot Sprat, surgeon and patriot, is finding that his faith in the British National Health Service is taking a bit of a battering – especially when the ceiling of his operating theatre collapses. It had already been a bad day…a call from Nairobi, a disagreement with Miss MacNish over the breakfast haddock, and a visit from Sir Lionel… Sir Lancelot’s single-handed battle to save St Sepulchre’s Hospital from closure creates a hilarious tale, complicated by two ex-students and three ladies only too willing to satisfy a widower’s sexual desires.
Doctor in the Nude
Mrs Samantha Dougal is against it. Nudity that is. In a Soho strip-club, the Dean of St Swithan’s Hospital feigns indifference. Mrs Dougal’s husband, however, is totally in favour – and has just moved in with the Dean, who just happens to be his brother-in-law. The jokes positively spill from this elegantly written and languorously witty tale that includes Sir Lancelot, the Queen, a totally impractical new building, and the voluptuous young daughter of the trendy hospital chaplain.
‘The jokes spill forth fresh and funny… Not a book to read on a train: it’s impossible to keep a straight face’ – Sunday Telegraph
Doctor in the Soup
This witty medical mystery sees the deeply ambitions Jim Whynn, MP for Churchford, and his wife Charlotte join the list of Richard Gordon’s private patients. Expecting no more than having to prescribe the standard headache tablets and flu remedies, Richard is surprised when the MP pays him a visit of particular delicacy. For after a late night at the House of Commons, Jim did something rather incautious to say the least. He confesses to Charlotte and persuades Richard to refer him to a psychiatrist as a damage limitation exercise. Richard writes the necessary letter – doctor to doctor – but somehow the original goes astray. So when it turns up in the hands of the press…
Doctor in the Swim
Dr Grimsdyke was only too pleased to discover that he was sitting next to the luscious Lucy Squiffington on his flight home. Several hours in her company was bound to go well – in fact it went rather too well seeing as how the long-suffering Anemone was waiting for him back home. A fact Grimsdyke seemed to have completely forgotten. And as if juggling two women wasn’t enough, the Jellybone sisters then enter the scene with a troupe of female contortionists neatly in toe – hardly likely to help straighten things out for poor Grimsdyke. As he ponders his options, Grimsdyke falls headlong into a series of hilarious mishaps that leave him almost on the point of drowning.
Doctor on the Ball
First there is the actor who confuses himself with his character. Then comes the man suffering from amnesia…and the housewife who has spent all day wrestling with her washing machine. This is all in a day’s work for the local GP in a Kentish town. Yet having done this for twenty-five years Richard Gordon could surely be forgiven for occasionally hankering after an early retirement. This hilarious novel relates the incidents and events in a hapless GP’s life – misadventur
es that have somehow prevented him from once and for all exchanging his stethoscope for a fishing rod.
Doctor on the Boil
In Doctor on the Boil, Richard Gordon’s prescription in as effervescent and hilariously stimulating as ever. The work-shy Dr Grimsdyke is still at St Swithan’s – the same as ever despite the world having moved on around him. Nurses are hitching up their skirts in the name of fashion and the dean is almost certain he is to be knighted. And then a Rolls Royce pulls up at the hospital gates. In it is Sir Lancelot Spratt. Bored with retirement he has returned to invoke a clause in St Swithan’s original charter and resume his work – to the great dismay of just about everyone.
‘Mr Gordon is in his way the P G Wodehouse of the general hospitals’ – The Daily Telegraph
Doctor on the Brain
On a sunny morning in June, the dean of St Swithan’s Hospital Medical School is struggling to avoid hypocrisy as he writes the obituary for his fearsome sparring partner, Sir Lancelot Spratt. Yet far from being a funereal and moribund tale, Doctor on the Brain is a fast-moving, hilarious comedy where the jokes are liberally dispensed and the mishaps all too common. The dean’s pregnant daughter, his wife’s tantrums, the physician next door and the mysterious willowy blonde secretary all add to the hilarity – seemingly nothing can dampen the medical high jinks of Richard Gordon’s host of entertaining characters.
Doctor on the Job
Heavens above! The staff of St Swithan’s hospital on strike! Sir Lancelot can hardly believe it. And when the porters and tea ladies take charge and start ordering him about, it seems that all hell will break loose – well from Sir Lancelot’s quarters at least. Fortunately not all are so badly affected. Philip Chipps for one has more pressing things on his mind – he seems to have misplaced his trousers. In one of the nurses’ rooms… Richard Gordon’s imagined scenario of hospital strikes became all too much a reality in the troubled NHS. Fortunately he provides more than a little comedy to help swallow this bitter pill.
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