“If I promised it wouldn’t, would you think about it? I just… I want to feel like I know what I’m doing. If I do, I feel like I’d be able to approach Benjamin with confidence knowing that if he said yes to a date and afterward, if the date went there, it wouldn’t be this traumatic, nerve wracking thing for me. I trust you, Nate. And it wouldn’t exactly be a hardship.”
Nate barely saw the smile she gave him. He was too busy trying to tell himself he wasn’t pissed off that she pretty much wanted to use him to seduce another bloke. “So let’s get this straight,” he blurted out before he could stop himself. “You want me to fuck you in order to teach you how to fuck another guy?”
“You make it sound so sordid.”
Nate sighed. She sounded so forlorn and unsure that all his pissiness melted away. She was asking for his help because she trusted him. That wasn’t something to be pissed off about it. In fact he should feel fucking honored. And he realized he did. But now was not the time to discuss it. She needed to really think about it properly. And so did he. Nate pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Go to bed, babe. If you still feel the same way in the morning, ask me again.”
“It was hard enough asking you the first time,” she muttered as she unlocked the main entrance door.
He smiled. Fuck she was cute. He leaned toward her, resting a hand on her lush hip and he whispered in her ear, “It was brave, Liv.”
The grateful smile she shot over her shoulder at him made him want to push that skirt up and—
Christ.
He pulled back. “Dutch courage or real courage, I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.” And then he left before he did something he shouldn’t.
As he wandered out of the lane where her flat was and up hill toward Heriot Row hoping to see a taxi, Nate had no plans whatsoever to call the blonde. Instead his head, heart and body were all messed up. His head told him to let Liv down gently. But his heart rebelled against that because he’d do anything for her and he knew that her lack of sexual confidence had already held her back from living her life to the fullest. As for his body… well obviously all the blood in his body started shooting straight between his legs at the mere thought of getting Olivia naked and under him. Or riding him. Or on her knees. Against the wall. On the couch—Fuck!!!!!
When he got home he climbed into the shower and lived every possible sexual position with Liv in his mind with his hand wrapped around his cock. Feeling only marginally satisfied Nate dropped into bed and stared up at his ceiling in the dark.
Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.
If Olivia really wanted this, then maybe they could make it work.
She had a massive crush on this Benjamin guy after all.
She just had to promise that she wouldn’t fall for Nate while he guided her to sexual confidence.
And as for Nate well he could separate sex from his emotions and get this insistent attraction for his best friend out of his system.
They could do this.
Aye, if anyone could it was him and Liv.
Nate sighed and turned over to try and find some sleep. He ignored that feeling in his gut, the one he’d had earlier in the night while waiting for Liv to arrive at the bar. Anticipation.
His last thought as he drifted off was that he’d be really bloody disappointed if Liv woke up in the morning and decided she didn’t want him sex lessons after all.
Aye.
Disappointed.
Fuck.
12
Nate’s POV – The Break Up
BEFORE JAMAICA LANE
What had happened at the weekend in Longniddry was a bit of a mind fuck. Okay, if Nate was being honest with himself it was more than a bit of a mind fuck.
Since beginning these sex lessons with Liv, Alana had never been far from his thoughts. She’d started haunting him all over again, and taking Liv home to meet his parents had stirred the memories until he felt on edge—his emotions too raw for him to handle. Nate was a laidback guy, he tried not to let too much get to him, so he wasn’t very good at handling anything too overwhelming.
He could admit that to himself even if he couldn’t admit it to anyone else.
There was a part of him that felt like he should apologize to Liv for his behavior, but the much larger part of him that was doing most of his thinking these days believed than an apology would only confuse her—it would maybe lead her to think that there was something more between them than there was.
So no apology. But he needed to see her so he could work out where things stood. However, for the first time in as long as he could remember Liv hadn’t been home when he’d come around to see her. He’d stuck around for a few hours waiting on her and she never appeared.
Nate almost called her. Just to see if she was okay. He was worried.
In the end he didn’t call because… he didn’t know why actually. After the events of the weekend, however, he knew it was time to decide whether they should end this thing between them before it all got too messy. So after a photo shoot Nate had gotten a cab to Liv’s and let himself in.
At the sound of her key turning in the lock, he tensed. Something like apprehension moved through him. That feeling only intensified when Liv walked in to find him there, uncertainty on her gorgeous face.
“Hey,” she said quietly.
Relieved to see her, Nate sat forward and switched off the television, giving her his full attention because he wanted hers in return.
The thought of ending things went up in flames at the sight of her. “I came by last night. You never came home.”
She dropped her keys in the bowl by the door, seeming to avoid his gaze as she said, “I stayed with my dad.”
More relief moved through him. So, alright, he could admit that it did cross his mind maybe she’d finally gotten up the courage to get together with that stupid bloke at the library she fancied. Ignoring his relief he said, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
Hmm, she still wouldn’t meet his eyes.
Bugger.
“Did we fuck up at the weekend?”
She sighed and moved toward him now, which was much better. Olivia was naturally affectionate. She should have been in his arms the moment she came in the door, and the fact that she wasn’t… “I don’t know. Did we?”
That’s why she wasn’t in his arms already.
She wasn’t looking for more. No… she was just confused. Nate could do something about that. Something he was very good at doing. He went to her, loving the feel of her lush curves under his hands as he drew her toward him. “I think it was a strange weekend. I think we should forget about it.”
She relaxed into him and Nate hid a pleased grin.
“Okay,” she whispered as he began pressing kisses along her silky jaw.
The smell of her perfume was a trigger for his body, and he felt all the blood rush to his dick. His fists tightened in the material of her shirt. Fuck. Would he ever stop wanting this woman? “I feel like I haven’t been inside you in forever.”
She leaned in to him and he stifled a groan as her soft, generous breasts brushed his chest. He wanted her on her back beneath him. Now. “It’s only be a few nights,” she said, the lust in her voice belying her rational reminder that they should be able to manage a few nights apart without wanting to rip each other’s clothes off.
To hell with rationality, he wanted her as fired up as he was feeling. His tongue swiped gently at her neck. “That’s what I said.” He pressed an open-mouthed kiss to the sweet spot just under her ear. “Fucking forever.”
Liv’s whole body sagged into him at the same time her fingers dug into his back. She let out that low, husky moan of hers and Nate was lost.
He kissed her hard, falling deeply into the taste and feel of her. He was a little rough, desperate even to push away all the complicated, annoying emotions that had been trying to fuck this up for them at the weekend.
Liv’s white blouse was in the way of his efforts to make them both
forget. He tugged at the collar, ripping it open, buttons flying everywhere. She gasped but didn’t admonish him, shrugging out of the shirt so he could attack her bra next.
Skirt and panties flew behind him and as he shoved her gently toward the bedroom he jerked out of his own clothes. Naked he pushed her down on the bed and started kissing every inch of her beautiful olive skin.
It still blew him away that Olivia had had no idea how sexy she was. He’d actually never met a woman as gorgeous as she was with so many insecurities.
And he had to admit to himself, as he sucked on one very delectable nipple, his cock throbbing when Liv panted in response, he felt smug that it was him that unleashed her sexual appetite.
All she had to give in that very moment, all that beauty, all her kindness, her humor, all her lust, was for him.
Something crept into his chest, aching and warm, and he found himself reaching desperately for her lips. The kiss was slow, sweet, and his hands caressed every inch of her, committing her to memory. She raised her hips in invitation.
He answered the invite, guiding his dick into the slick, snug heat of her. Fuck, she felt amazing. She always feels amazing.
Her lips parted on an excited gasp, her lids lowering over her eyes.
Those stunning golden eyes were in his top five favorite things about her. “Don’t. Look at me. Give me those eyes,” he found himself demanding, gripping her thigh up so he could thrust into her at a deeper, more satisfying angle. His fingers tightened on her and he felt this overwhelming wave of possessiveness crash over him as she stared up at him in tenderness.
Moving slowly in and out of her, the knowledge that she was his grew from a seed to take root and cling onto him with a fierceness that heightened his arousal. There was nothing better. Nowhere better than being here with Liv. Nothing had ever felt more like home.
I could spend my whole life here… looking into those eyes.
Her inner muscles clenched around him as she cried out in climax with tears shimmering in her gaze. That and the pulsing of her sex around his cock was more than he could take—his release floored him. His hips shuddered against hers as he came harder than he ever remembered coming…
…However… once the haze of deep satisfaction lifted, Nate was instantly seized with panic.
Everything he felt for Liv… no, it was too much, too overwhelming.
He couldn’t feel that way.
Not after Alana.
The whole mood of the moment was flipped on its head.
Needing to get away and as fast as possible, he pulled out of Liv, rolling away from her without meeting her eyes. He couldn’t look at her.
He couldn’t…
This…
No!
Discarding the used condom in her bin, Nate quickly hurried into his jeans.
“You’re not staying?” Liv asked, sounding small.
He felt sick. Fingers shaking he reached for his shirt and shrugged it on without answering. How the hell... why… how…
Dragging a hand down his face, Nate braced himself to say what needed to be said. Reluctantly, he met her gaze. “I’m ending this, Liv. I can’t do it anymore.”
The pain in her eyes made him feel about two inches tall. “You—” she shook her head in confusion. “You make love to me and then… end it?”
Love? Love!
Fear turned to anger. To desperation. “That’s why. Make love to you? That was never what this was about.”
He was never going back there. She knew that.
But as he watched her angrily throw herself out of bed to pull on a nightshirt Nate stood frozen in confusion. Why was she reacting this badly? This was always going to end between them, they both knew that. “Why did you come here tonight? If you were going to end it?”
“Because I wasn’t sure it needed to be ended… but after that…” he trailed off, remembering with horror now how lost he’d felt as he moved inside her. Lost but so un-fucking-believably found.
How the hell had this happened?
He had to make it stop.
Ending it was the only way to make it all just stop and go back to how it was.
Liv glowered at him. “I was just following your lead.”
Her anger was making his panic increase, but more than that the hurt in her eyes was killing him. It was all so messy. And it pissed him off. “Don’t. Don’t give me those wounded eyes and that hurt tone. We agreed that this was just sex. And you promised.” You promised me. You’re my best mate, Liv, don’t do this to me. I cannot lose you, too. “You promised it wouldn’t ruin us.”
“You want me to hold to that promise? Nate, don’t lie to yourself! For the past six weeks we’ve been in a relationship, and I’m sick of pretending it isn’t. You’re here most nights and it’s not just sex. It’s friendship and affection and tenderness. We make each other laugh and we get each other. What’s so wrong with that?” Tears were bright in her eyes, so much pain.
No. No she’s not…
Because if she was then he was going to lose her.
Terrified, Nate stared at her, aghast. She’d lied to him! She’d given him something special and was going to rip it away from him because she’d never had any of intention of keeping things uncomplicated between them. Rage and fear mingled with guilt he was frantic to push aside. “I can’t believe you,” he managed to choke out over the lump of emotion in his throat. “I’ve told you over and over that I don’t want that and you sat there and murmured your understanding and gave me your fucking assurances and all the time you were manipulating me!” he shook, trying to control himself as she flinched back from his uncharacteristic roar.
And then her low but soft voice reached him. “I wasn’t the one who asked you to sleep over after sex. You did that. I didn’t ask you to be here almost every night. You did that. I didn’t cuddle you on the couch. You did that. I didn’t ask you to come home and meet my parents. You did that.”
Nate couldn’t look at her. He fought for calmness as her words penetrated.
Liv was right. He had done all that. He’d been playing with fire all along and he’d done nothing to stop the blaze from getting out of control.
This was his fault.
“Looking back, I think you knew that there was more here. There were moments when I felt you pull away and I thought that was it—this, between us, was over. But then you’d come back. Why?”
Glancing up at her Nate almost shrank back at the tears, at the accusation. What could he say that wouldn’t confuse her more? That wouldn’t hurt her more? “Liv, don’t.” What I have to say is the last thing you want to hear. Don’t make me say it, babe. Don’t hurt us both here.
“Don’t. Don’t, why?”
God damn her! “Because,” Nate forced out, the control on his emotions, mostly his anger, slipping. “If you say any more I’ll be forced to say things I don’t want to.”
But Liv had lost all control on her anger. She was determined to push his buttons. “Just say them. Come on. Just say it! I’m a big girl.”
“Don’t make this ugly.”
“You’ve already made this ugly with your goddamn mixed signals, so just say it!”
His frayed nerves just snapped. “Fine. I don’t love you. I can’t and I won’t and you knew that, so don’t stand there like some victim.”
The anguish in her eyes gutted him.
Standing there, a liar and a coward, Nate couldn’t remember a time he’d ever felt more ashamed of himself. What kind of man did it make him to stand there and cause a good woman pain because he was… what… scared? He scoffed bitterly at himself and prayed to God that Liv had it in her to forgive him for his weakness.
The sound of her bitter laughter gouged into his hope that their friendship could be salvaged. “Last week I thought you might just be the best person I ever met in my life. Last week I loved you like I’ve never loved anyone.”
No, fuck, no. Take it back, Liv, take it back and we can start over.
; “You taught me to be brave again, Nate. How can such a coward teach someone to be brave?”
He couldn’t hide his flinch. She thought just as badly of him as he thought of himself.
“You know what else you taught me?”
What, Liv? Give it to me. Hurt me like I’ve hurt you.
“You taught me to believe in myself all the way through. You taught me that I’m worth more than what I see in the mirror. So today, as you try to teach me the opposite lesson, I say fuck you.” She smiled through the tears falling down her cheeks. “I deserve to be loved. All or nothing.”
Christ, she was magnificent. His girl had come along way. And she was one hundred percent right.
There was no way he’d ever deserve her.
But that didn’t mean he wanted to lose her from his life and Nate didn’t need to be a genius to know that was where this was going. He had to save their friendship somehow. He had to remind her he wasn’t a bad person, that he hadn’t meant to trick her into feeling… so much for him. “Liv, I never made you any promises, you know that.”
It had the opposite effect of what he wanted. It only infuriated her. “Stop playing dumb. You’ve been in this with me for the last six weeks! This wasn’t just a casual fuck, Nate. It’s me!”
She was slipping… slipping through his fingers.
Just like Alana.
“You promised…”
Liv sagged, stumbling back from him wearily. The urge to reach for her was so great he had to clench his hands into fists at his side. “You’re right, I did.” She nodded, lifting those beautiful eyes of hers. The accusation in them burned him. “I didn’t expect you to blur the lines, though. We blurred the lines. At least I can admit it. But if you admit it, you have to admit what a selfish bastard you’ve been, and I don’t think you’re going to do that.”
Finding himself afraid more of her hate than of her love, Nate attempted to make her see sense. “You’re wrong. I admit it. I thought we could be best friends and have sex. It didn’t work. And I kept coming back and making it worse because I didn’t want to lose your friendship. I’m sorry. But you know me. You know I don’t do relationships. You know that. Don’t hold it against me. Just be . . . my bloody friend.”
On Dublin Street: The Bonus Material Page 10