by Haley Jenner
I screech the wheels of my car as I pull out of Aubrey's street in a rush, needing to be anywhere but here. Needing any kind of distance from the scene that just unfolded. It won't help; I know that. Every word we exchanged is burnt into my brain, replaying itself on a loop allowing me to relive my heart breaking over and over again.
My music is loud, echoing through my ears as I drive. It's nice, not allowing my thoughts to get too much traction amongst the noise inside my head. I drive fast. Erratically. The weaving in and out of traffic calming to the veins itching under my skin. I make it back to Carnation in record time, thankful that Archer and Annabelle aren't home to stop my ascent up Ma's porch, into the house, up the stairs, and into my room.
Locking the door behind me I pull my cell from my pocket, wanting to throw the fucker when Aubrey hasn't attempted contact. As much as I knew, I couldn't help but hope my words would hit home and she'd come to her fucking senses. Switching it off I throw it on my side table with my keys and search for some headphones.
Music deafening headphones in place to allow silence through the rest of the house, I fall onto my bed and stare at nothing. The white ceiling mocks me, a blank canvas to play images held tightly within the forefront of my mind.
Aubrey.
Her crystal colored eyes and porcelain skin.
Her smell, so fucking sweet. Trumped only by the slight shade her cheeks take when she smiles.
Or laughs.
The wink. The fucking wink. My dick hardens immediately, and I could easily reach down and rub one out. Jerk off to thoughts of the way her back arches when she comes, the way her lips meet my dimple when I smile or how she keeps her lips attach to my throat after I've reached it, taking comfort in the heavy rhythm of my pulse.
But I don't. My stupid cock can stay hard for all I care. I refuse to let myself come with her name breaking from my lips. Not again.
So instead, I let the ceiling mock me. Remind me of every moment we've shared. Every phone call whispered into the dark of the night. Every text message sent at any given point in the day, whenever the need to speak to her became too much. Which was often. Way too fucking often. If I'd had more willpower, if I were stronger, maybe a better person, I wouldn’t be here. I deserve to feel like shit. What type of wanker chases after someone who already has a man? What type of stupid cunt keeps fighting when the other person clearly doesn't want them back?
Me. Pure and simple. Me.
I'm the fucking wanker.
The stupid fucking cunt.
I'd be mentally unstable if I'd had any hope that I'd win out. I had no chance. Never did. Aubrey and I were never going to be any more than what we were. I was just the stupid sucker that let myself hope against reason it'd be more.
Not once throughout the day and into the night, does sleep lull me into unconsciousness. So, I just lay there having to feel the pain slicing though my body at the knowledge that Aubrey doesn’t love me back. Not enough anyway. Not enough to take a chance on me.
By morning, I resolve to put it behind me. All of it. Every. Single. Fucking. Moment. Leave it in the dark avenues of my mind as a temporary lapse in judgment and work at convincing myself that it was lust. Nothing more. Nothing deeper. Just an intense sexual attraction that I allowed myself to obsess over. Aubrey is nobody to me. Nothing but an intense and earth shattering fuck buddy that has finally run her course. I let that be my mantra, hoping that one day, maybe, I’ll eventually believe it. Maybe it’ll settle inside so deep that I have no choice but to accept it as truth. It worked for her, why not me? Good fucking luck, right? I laugh at how stupid it sounds but it’s the only plan I can muster.
I thought about going full-blown Archer and losing myself into oblivion with booze. Thought about following in Annabelle’s footsteps and living in monotony, becoming a shell of who I used to be. But I can’t stomach the thought of my family trying to fix it. Trying to fix me. Of them trying to convince me I’m better off without her. That I have my whole life ahead of me to find someone better. Someone who loves me. Who wants me and could make me happy.
That, and I don’t want to give Annabelle further reason to hate Aubrey. I feel like a dick having inserted myself into their relationship without Annabelle’s knowledge and being the cause for their fallout. They’ve been friends since I can remember and the hurt and anger Annabelle is projecting onto Aubrey is my fault.
All those months ago I should have left it alone. Left her alone. But seeing her standing at the bar in Arlington, looking so broken and resigned to her own company, it broke my heart.
I should have left her alone. But I couldn’t, and as the night went on my attraction and need to make her feel good consumed me. Overtook my entire being and on reflection, I know I took advantage. She was broken, struggling to comprehend what path her life was taking and I did nothing to stop what happened between us. Of course she took the opportunity I gave her. She was hurting, needing… craving any type of comfort someone could give her and I chose that moment in my life to be selfish. I gave her what she needed, without a fight, without any strength in resistance. We made each other feel good for a night and started on a path of destruction for not only ourselves but for our friends and family. We brought the people we love most into our tangled web of deceit and lies and slowly but surely began destroying our lives from the inside out.
How do each of us come back from this? How do we possibly begin to piece back our own lives before fixing what we broke in everyone else? It’s a pointless cycle. Aubrey and David. Aubrey and Annabelle. Me and Annabelle. Me and Aubrey. Aubrey. Me. And anyone else our selfishness affected. Joseph, Clarah, Steve, Ma, Archer. Who do we fix first? Ourselves? Or the people we love that were unintentionally caught up? I don’t fucking know and I’m sure as shit that Aubrey doesn’t either. Which means we’ll both pretend nothing happened. We’ll go on with life like we haven’t up-ended it and are drowning, with no idea where the fuck up is.
I shower before heading down to see Ma. I spend longer than necessary under the boiling heat of the water. Working to rid the humiliation and disdain from my body. Unsuccessfully. Turning off the faucets, I don’t feel any cleaner or more honorable in any way. But I expect to live like this for some time. Culpable of my actions. Ashamed of myself for what we did and the hurt we caused.
“Hey, Jakey,” Ma greets me softly when I enter the kitchen moving towards the coffee. “You crashed out early last night,” she prompts moving to sit on the bench.
Pouring a coffee, I nod my head, not turning towards her.
“You doing okay?” she questions, and I turn to rest my hips against the cool marble of the countertop.
“Yeah, Ma, I’m good. Decided to put all this shit behind me. I’m not gonna wish it didn’t happen because, well…everything helps shape you, right?” I pause, shrugging lightly, meeting her small sympathetic smile with my own. “But I’m good. Honest.”
Ma smiles wide at my lie, convinced by my soft-spoken deceit. She has no reason not to trust me. She’s been as closed off to the truth as much as everyone else. “Good, babe. I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you wanted. I know you think I didn’t like her, but that’s not true. I just wanted you to fall in love the right way, not with someone who isn’t available to you.”
I stare at her in silence, working to not respond, verbally or otherwise. Not willing to delve into this discussion or give her reason to believe my earlier words are untrue. Instead I offer her a tight smile before draining my coffee. “Gonna head out and see if I still have a job.”
Ma nods in understanding. “Steve’ll understand, he’s a good man.”
“We’ll soon see,” I breathe out, moving to plant a kiss on her forehead before leaving.
The garage is busy, bodies moving throughout the large shed, shouting to allow everyone to be heard above the noise of machinery. A few skeptical glances are thrown my way as I weave through the car bodies and equipment towards Steve’s office. It’s laughable how ridiculous men can b
e when it comes to gossip, no different than women. I have no doubt that most of Steve’s guys have been waiting for my arrival to see what will transpire.
His door is wide open, speaking into the receiver of the phone as he gestures for me to come in. I close the door behind me, leaning casually against the wood while I wait for him to finish on the phone.
His office is in purposeful disarray. Papers scattered across every available surface weighted down by random car parts. Grease smudged along phones, computer screens, invoices.
“You need an office girl,” I greet as he returns the receiver to its cradle.
“You offerin’?” he smiles and I laugh quietly, relieved that he hasn’t told me to fuck off.
“Reason you’re in here and not out there workin’?”
Rubbing a hand down my face I meet his eyes, forcing air out of my lungs. “Wasn’t sure you’d still want me here…” I trail off, and he stands to move away from the desk.
“Kiddo, what happened between you and Aubrey ain’t got nothin’ to do with me. Not gonna say I liked that you made a scene like you did, but knowin’ you for a long time, I know that only a great deal’a pain would make you act out that way.”
Worrying my bottom lip between my teeth, I nod at his words, not really sure what to say.
“Jake, I’ve been you, kiddo. Exactly where you’re standing, I’ve been there. I get that it’s a really shitty place to be. I waited fuckin’ years for Clarah to come to her senses. Aubrey’s another level of stubborn, that, and she don’t wanna disappoint Joseph. Kid could settle with Satan himself, and he’d be fine though, as long as his girl was happy. Sooner she realizes that, sooner she’ll come to her senses,” he comforts, squeezing my shoulder in assurance.
“Not sure there’s any coming back from this, Steve. In all honesty, I can’t stomach any more hope. Decided to accept what happened and start to piece my life back together. Grateful if I still have my job though?” I smile. It’s tight, no happiness filtering through the gesture.
Steve stares at me for a few seconds before nodding his head in disappointment. “I get it kiddo. Trust me, I fuckin’ get it. Job’s always here for you, you know that,” he finishes, pointing into the large garage, indicating I should get to it.
I offer a quick chin lift before moving from his office and heading towards one of the cars needing attention. Focusing all my energy on the task at hand and not the curious glances thrown my way or reading into Steve’s words. I can’t afford any further hope when it comes to Aubrey. That is the pure and honest truth. I hope she finds some form of happiness, somewhere, with David or not, I can’t let myself care. I don’t want her to be unhappy in life, regardless of what I told her. Aubrey being unhappy is not an outcome I want my world to understand. I’m afraid she’s convinced herself she’s not worthy of it, not the extent in which she can be anyway. But that’s no longer my problem. It’s no longer something that I can allow plaguing my heart and mind. Aubrey’s a grown woman, I have to respect her decision to take the path she wants in life, even if it is to the detriment of my happiness. And her own.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Aubrey
I pack slowly. Methodically. Making sure I miss nothing, not wanting a single need to have to return to this place. To David’s home. I start in our bedroom and feel no sense of nostalgia removing my things from his space and into the suitcases lined along the bed. I feel no connection to this house, a place that was supposed to be my home for so many years. But I feel nothing. No sense of loss knowing I’m leaving with no intention to ever return. In its place, I feel only relief that I’ll finally be able to say goodbye to a life I pretended was mine. A life I pretended I was happy in. I move through the house, removing my belongings. It doesn’t take me long to finish packing, further cementing the fact that I never really belonged here. That I knew deep down what we shared wasn’t real because I’ve never really settled here. Never really made David’s home, my home. I was only ever a guest in his space, most of the time somewhat unwelcome. As much as David, even until the end, held onto the fact that we both should settle for what we had, neither of us were really comfortable with the other. Even from the beginning it was stilted conversation and awkward silences. He could never understand and would never appreciate my bluntness or inappropriate sense of humor. I, too, could never understand his need for the utmost perfection and the façade he constantly portrayed, never allowing anyone too close, always far too consumed with work to care about living his life. Then in the blink of an eye, this dwindling relationship took the most unexpected of nose dives and a man I’d spent years trying to love morphed into someone I never imagined he could be. Maybe if Jake and I hadn’t happened I would’ve continued in my compliance. But we didn’t happen and it took me falling in love, all consuming, heartbreakingly painful love, to realize that this can’t be my life. It just can’t.
Car packed, I walk back into the house one last time, willing myself to feel anything other than relief, but nothing comes. Maybe guilt, hate, disappointment. All directed at myself, because standing in the exact point I rejected Jake, again, so forcefully, I feel sick at the words I spoke. At the lies stripped from my mouth in a moment of desperation.
He called me out. Completely. He forced himself to be the voice of reason in my head and I panicked. Actually, that’s not even a word that could come close to describing what happened. I finally broke. I was clutching at my dimly disguised lies in a hysterical haze. Fighting for him to not see me for the fractured person I really am. But he saw me. Has always seen me and the only way I could retain the sliver of control I felt I had, I turned on him. I turned on the one person who sees me, flaws and all, and loves me all the same. I took his declaration, his beautiful words and twisted them with so much hate that I know Luca was right. One hundred percent. Jake’s better than me. His soul shines with so much love and kindness and mine shadows that with the darkness that live inside my head and heart. I’m not enough. Not for someone as good as Jake. He deserves someone who fights harder than I have. Someone who would never deny the feelings in their heart. Someone who would love him as fiercely as he does them. He’s worthy of a far greater love. Love that I know I have inside of me. But, he should demand that great love from a better person. A kinder, more honorable person.
Can I be her? Can I repair the flaws in my soul to be that person for him? I hope so. One day. When I’ve fixed all that seems broken inside me, I hope I can offer even the smallest snippet of what he deserves.
Removing my key and placing it on the kitchen counter I contemplate calling David. Talking through the demise of our relationship and telling him I can’t do it any longer, play his pawn. But I can’t stomach any more insults or condescension. More, he’d force his threats upon me and I’d likely change my mind. I’d let the cold reality of what I’m about to do filter in and convince myself I’m being selfish.
My hand doesn’t shake when I say goodbye in a note, further reinforcing that I’ve made the right decision. So much of me has already been lost and I just can’t keep going. This is not me. Arguing with Jake, spewing more and more lies, the last few months flashed through my eyes. All of it. Every last twisted and magical moment. Every disgusting and manipulative move David has made and every kind and genuine gifted by Jake.
It’s funny to think that all those months ago, writing a single note began the domino of events that brought us here. That penning that letter to Jake after each of us gave part of ourselves to the other, was so much harder. That after spending only one night, less than twelve hours together, saying goodbye was hard enough to have me reconsider actually leaving. My hand shook then, my mind wanting to tell him to wait for me, that I’d be back, that I’d go home and pack and be back with him before he hopefully woke. Clearly, at the time, I didn’t see that as an option. What would my life look like now if I’d listened to my heart? If I’d given it the power it so rightfully deserved. Would I be happy? Deliriously so? I think so. I think my life would hav
e started to unfold in a way that I would want, and appreciate. A life that I crave to be a part of. Instead of this, scribbling a note that doesn’t hurt to write, about to walk away with the hope my life doesn’t crumble around me.
David,
Go fuck yourself.
Aubrey
Securing my note under my discarded house key I turn, grabbing my camera bag, making sure my equipment is packed securely. I take one last look at the space and even with my limited belongings removed, it looks the same in my eyes. Stale and unwelcoming. In all honesty, most people wouldn’t look at the space in the same way I do. They would see modern day living; clean and subtle decor. Neutral colors and a designated spot for every item within the walls. My opinion is tainted by years of loneliness and attempting to alter myself to fit. In any little way possible.
As I stand alone in the figuratively empty space, I imagine how I would look. A dash of color in an overwhelming sea of shade. I’d give anything for the image in a photo. A girl so broken down by the weight of her errors standing within the walls of a house she is so thankful to be leaving. A complete juxtaposition of one individual’s emotions. Relief and unhappiness equal parts overwhelming.
Standing there with the photo captured only in my mind, I vow to remember this moment for the remainder of my life. To let this minute in the endless succession I have in front of me to always sit within my mind so I can remember how I never want to feel again. Going forward I vow to only ever feel confident and at ease with the decisions I make in my life. Never to be controlled or manipulated by another. My decisions will always be mine. Always. It sounds promising and daunting all at the same time. But the existence I’ve lived for the past few years has been lonely. So soul consuming lonely, I’ve spent a whole lot of time, unsure of who I am. Or who I care to be.