by Haley Jenner
“I just don’t see why you’d end it. Tammy’s sweet,” she pushes, sitting up straighter.
Seems tonight was not a night Annabelle cared to leave it alone. I ignore her statement, eyes trained back at the TV clearly communicating my intention of not discussing the point further.
“Jakey, babe, I’m just worried. I want you to be happy, Tammy…” she continues, disregarding my attempt at avoidance.
Sighing loudly, I move to stand. “Better check that load back at Ma’s. Catch you soon.”
“Kid,” Archer urges, but I keep moving towards the door.
“Jakey, wait,” Annabelle snaps, irritated at my dismissal.
“No, Annabelle, this isn’t up for discussion. Did I push you when shit went down with you and Archer? Did I tell you to move on? Try to convince you to settle for someone else?” I argue back.
Annabelle coughs out a laugh, shaking her head. “I think it’s a bit different… God, you and Aubrey…” she stops, stumbling to find her next words.
“Belle. Enough,” Archer grits out, his jaw tight.
“No, what, Annabelle? Aubrey and I what? You don’t know because you have no fucking idea what happened.” I’m furious at her lack of understanding, more so, her complete lack of actually wanting or trying to understand.
"You can hardly compare, Archer and I had been together for years. You and Aubrey…." She looks between Archer and I, her voice still strong, her dismissal of mine and Aubrey’s relationship so complete. So empty of support or acceptance.
I watch Archer's eyes flick between the two of us, considering his need for intervention. Sensing Annabelle and I need this, he moves from the lounge room and into the kitchen without muttering a single word.
"You're basin' love on time frames now?" I speak quietly, looking at my feet, irritated enough to not want to see her at this moment. She pauses for a second too long, giving me the opportunity to continue. "You told me countless times that you fell a little bit in love with Archer the first moment you saw him again and it spiraled from then. From your own mouth,” I accuse, the anger held within me making my voice shake. “You confided in me that you were in love with Archer within a few short weeks of him being back. Aubrey's been in my life since I met you, on the outskirts, sure, but still there. I've known her for as long as I've known you, Annabelle and since that first time we…." I scratch the back of my neck, not feeling the need to delve into specifics. "After that, we got close. Spoke constantly. I know her, really fucking know her. Not many people can say that about Aubrey, and you, better than most, get that.”
I finally lift my head to meet her eyes, trying to give greater strength to my argument. She’s been stilled into silence, her large brown eyes wide and guarded as she listens. “If you wanna look at time frames,” I continue, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jeans. “Maybe I should've called you a fool all those years ago because at least Aubrey and I had a foundation to work off and it was a whole lot more than just wanting to fuck that brought us together in the first place."
Pain slices across her face at my words, her entire body flinching at the hurt my words incite, but for the first time in my life, I can't let myself care about how Annabelle feels. She needs to understand that this whole mess, as hurt as she is by it, has nothing to do with her.
I don't want to fight with Annabelle, more than anybody I don't want to fight with her. Right now, she’s who I need on my side. She’s my best friend and should be the one person who is supporting me in this fucked up moment of my life, but she’s not. Not only is she not backing me, she’s being the most unsupportive. I'm hurt by her dismissal of what she can't seem to understand. I was in her corner. Always and right now, I need the same. I need her to support my decisions even if she can’t understand my reasoning. It’s a small favor that I don't think is too much to ask.
I leave her standing alone in her living room, watching me with a mixture of annoyance and regret shrouding her. I jog down the steps of their porch, a sick feeling settling inside my stomach at what just went down.
Finishing my laundry, I head home, grateful to be back in my own space and away from everyone else’s damn opinions. Making my bed, I breathe in the smell of freshly laundered sheets and relax slightly about not having to crawl into somewhere I feel I've done wrong by Aubrey. How stupid is that? She rejects me. Tells me she doesn't love me. It's been months with no contact from her. Yet, I feel guilty. Guilty that I've touched someone else's body intimately.
I don't know what's worse, or who I should feel worse about; Aubrey and the fact that I feel as though I've cheated. That I've betrayed her by giving into my need to touch someone, trying in vain to move on with my torn up heart. Or Tammy, for using her body as I needed while picturing Aubrey to get me there. I pushed against it at the start, but I was forever chasing my release. One night I gave in, and in that single moment, imagining her back arch and lips open on a gasp as I entered her, I came almost instantly. It felt so fucking good, and from there I couldn't stop. Couldn't keep her from my mind as soon as Tammy would touch me.
I'm such a jerk.
I fall into a restless sleep, feeling shittier than normal about myself. Not only did I end things with Tammy, hurting her once again, I fought with Annabelle. Said some things that were far from cool, probably pissing Archer off in the process. Top it off, the person I could somewhat talk to it about all is leaving. Luca was bailing for an indefinite amount of time, and once again I feel alone, stuck in my own head, with no single person to talk to.
I toss and turn, trying to tempt sleep to push me into unconsciousness but give up at about three am; pissed off and wired. Throwing my work coveralls into a backpack with my work boots, I gather the few things I'll need throughout the day. I dress in my sweats and a thermal, pulling on my shoes before leaving my apartment.
I run. Looking for a way to rid myself of the excess energy pulsing through my veins. I run the outskirts of town for about an hour, keeping a solid pace. The cool morning air is refreshing on the warmth my body emits from my increasing heart rate and slowly, I start to feel better.
I make my way through the quiet streets, everyone still fast asleep as I pass their homes trying to push myself farther. I run past Ma's place and the house is cast in darkness. Archer and Annabelle's place offers a dim light, meaning Archer's awake. Sleeping doesn't always pull him in close either. Wouldn't be surprised if he was getting ready for a run as well.
I continue to weave through the roads and coming close to four-thirty, I decide to give it up, slowing my pace to a jog and heading toward work. I'll get a good head start on the work I need to cover for the day and hopefully exert enough energy that I'll actually find sleep tonight.
Coming past Steve and Clarah's, I almost stumble over my own feet. My heart skips its rhythm, and I massage my chest to right the organ's pattern. I stop and stare at her car and suddenly the calm my run gave me, is lost. The small silver sedan sits quietly, innocently, like it hasn't just turned my entire life on its axis. I cross the street away from the house, trying to avoid its vicinity as though that will save some of the panic that Aubrey being back in town has caused.
My jog increases again into a full run. I sprint past my ability to keep my breath, my muscles ache, my legs buckling every so often under the pressure. But I don't stop. I can't. The pain of my body is preferable to what I feel inside. So I push, harder and faster until I reach work.
Throwing off the constricting straps of my backpack, I fall to the asphalt, back on the cold hard ground. I stutter through my breathing, sweat drenching my clothes, soaking my skin. I stay there for over an hour, questions fighting for space in my brain.
When did she arrive?
Will she come to me?
What is she doing here?
Is he with her?
The endless loop doesn't stop, and eventually I pull myself up, moving to grab my keys from my discarded bag to unlock the office. I move towards the small bathroom and pull the clothes stu
ck to my body away from my skin. I stand under the water of the shower until it runs cold and continue to stay there until my body aches with the shiver the temperature causes. Dressed, I pull my cell from my bag, hoping with energy I no longer have that she's contacted me.
She hasn't.
Tucking the cell into my pocket, I move towards the workshop and concentrate on the car in front of me. Nothing more. Nothing less. Not allowing my mind to wander. I fight to stay focused, but when my cell buzzes with an incoming text, I catch my head on the hood of the car in my haste to retrieve it. I scream a bunch of four letter words into the quiet space and they echo back as I rub the sore spot on the back of my head.
Steve: Shit to do at home. You're in charge today.
Jake: Everything good? Need anything?
I wait, staring at my phone waiting for his response. I wait fifteen minutes.
Steve: Just you to cover my load for the day. All good, Kiddo. Trust me, all good.
What the fuck does that mean? Steve was always fighting on my side, so hope sparks in my stomach - is he giving me an in that Aubrey's back, as in back. But then, why allude to that? He wouldn't know that I know she's back in town.
"FUCK!" I scream out to no one.
I contemplate heading over, confronting her and getting the pain and awkwardness out of the way. Put myself out of my misery and work out what the fuck her arrival means but two of the other guys walk in, startling me from my head and I nod at them in greeting, trying to push thoughts of Aubrey from my brain.
"Jake, man, 'sup? You're in early." Tobias, our apprentice yawns, throwing his bag into the office.
"Steve's out today, has some shit on," I grumble, moving back to double check the engine on the car from earlier. I instruct the newbie on his gig for the day, and he sets about his work easily. The few other guys arrive shortly after and fall into their work, needing no instruction on what they need to do.
Covering mine and Steve's load for the day is welcome. Exhausting, but welcome. I don't get a second to worry about Aubrey and what her being in town will mean. Finally, well after the sun has set and I close the shop. Tobias offers to drop me home, saving me having to run it again. Or unbeknown to him, the temptation to detour past Steve's to let him know how the day went and maybe run into Aubrey.
"You okay, Jake? Seemed a bit off today?" Tobias asks, pulling slowly to a stop outside my apartment complex.
"Huh? Yeah, dude, I'm good, just didn't sleep well last night." I reach over to grab his shoulder in thanks before opening the door.
"Well you looked smashed, no doubt you'll crash out pretty easy tonight," he smiles before flicking a few fingers down in farewell.
I don't watch him drive away, instead moving to walk slowly up the stairs of my building, looking forward to a hot shower and bed.
Reaching the top stair, I notice Annabelle standing against my door, waiting. "Hey, Jakey," she greets softly, and I move towards her without pause, throwing an arm around her neck to yank her to my side. Her body visibly relaxes under my affection, and I lean down to place a kiss on the top of her head before gesturing her inside my apartment.
"You look tired, I won't stay long, I just… shit, Jakey, I'm so sorry," she sniffles, and I pull her back into my body, hugging her tightly.
"It's all good, babe, we both said some things that weren't cool. We're good. We're always good. Yeah?" I question, pulling back to meet her large brown eyes.
She nods briskly before dropping her head to my chest. "You stink. Sweat, motor oil and is that," she sniffs the air. "Mint?"
I smile sadly at her, her words piercing me in the chest at the memory of Aubrey.
Tipping my gum out between my teeth to show her, I pull it back in and unnecessarily explain, "Gum."
Her eyes are watchful as she takes in my somber mood. "Keen for a coffee, or you gonna crash out early?"
"Coffee sounds good. You make, I'm gonna grab a shower." I scruff her hair and move towards the small bathroom.
We chat about nothing mostly and as I take the last sip of my coffee Annabelle makes her move to leave. "Saw her car at Steve's this morning on my run. You know she was back in town?" I ask her, my back positioned to her face as I rinse my mug.
"Who? Aubrey?"
I don't bother answering, continuing with cleaning the mugs at the sink.
"No, Jakey, I didn't know she was back. I would've said something, honest," she answers.
Turning and leaning against the sink, I cross my ankles and clear my throat before speaking again. "If she comes to you, if she… I don't know. If she…" I stumble, unsure as to what I'm actually asking.
"If I have any contact with her or hear anything, I'll let you know." Sighing on her next words, she moves closer, finally pulling my eyes. “I'm sorry I haven't been the greatest support in all of this. I just… I'm confused, Jake and I know you keep telling me it's not your story to tell, but you mean to tell me you can't tell me anything?"
"It's not hard imagining anyone falling in love with Aubrey, Annabelle," I argue.
"A million percent agree. I fell in love with Aubrey the day I met her," she concedes. "I'm confused as to when this all happened, how it happened. It's not like you didn't know one another, why now?"
"Started just before you and Archer sorted everything out. You were here in Carnation, she was having problems with David, again, and I ran into her in Arlington of all places," I confide. "We didn't mean for anything to happen, the connection though, shit, I… no words, Annabelle."
"I get that," she appreciates, nodding her head. "Shit, I know exactly how that feels, Jakey. I felt it instantly with your brother."
"Against our better judgment, against everything we knew to be right, we fell in love. I thought she loved me as much as I do her, still think that way… I think. I just…" I shrug it off not really knowing what else to say.
"I'm so mad at her," Annabelle tells me quietly, moving into to hug me. "As much as I love her and as much as I need her in my life, I don't think I can move past the hurt she caused you. Your happiness is too high a price for me to be able to forgive her deceit, Jake. I thought I knew her better," she speaks softly against my chest, and I don't know how to argue Aubrey's side, so I choose my silence instead. That discussion, when Aubrey's ready, is for her and Annabelle to work through.
Aubrey and I? I don't actually know where reality starts and hope ends. I just hope I find out sooner rather than later. I've worked hard at piecing some sort of life back together. I work, I gig, I socialize, I don't date and that I can deal with. I'm just not ready to have the rug pulled from under me once again and needing to gather the strength to build everything back up all over again.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Aubrey
Staring ahead at the empty street, I nurse my coffee, eyes still heavy from disturbed sleep. I take comfort in the stillness, in the quiet. I’ve become comfortable in my own company over the last few months, feeling protected, living without expectations and finally coming to reconciliation within myself. Traveling alongside Dad gave me plenty of time to reflect on these past few years while in my own company. At first it was lonely, no more than my life had been living with David, but daunting to have to finally work through my own issues. Forgiveness was harder. Trying to accept that my actions may’ve been selfish and hurtful but never malicious. Inadvertently deceitful, sure, but I never intended to inflict any level of pain upon anyone. Not Dad. Not Annabelle. Not myself. But most importantly not Jake. It was an unrealistic hope, an idea that I’m fully aware was a fantasy. I spent a lot of the last few months in self-reflection and trying to understand why I chose the path I did. I let myself be controlled by a man and I still hate myself for that, but I’m working on it.
My dad was right, David did nothing after I left. His threats were as empty as his heart and I feel all the more stupid because of it. I should’ve known. I let my self-doubt magnify to the point that I couldn’t see straight. Dad grumbles about having to see him at wor
k, but ever the professional, I know he’d be nothing but cordial. Dad’s coming close to his term-limit on the board, something else I knew nothing about. He’ll be resigning from there, wanting to be as far away from David as he can be. At first it made me sad, thinking his time at the company he’d spent his life helping to build was coming to an end. But he’s excited, livelier than I’ve seen him in years. Looking forward to a new chapter. I know he’s being headhunted, but he’s taking his time to consider all of his options.
Dad and I grew closer traveling together. I spoke a lot about Jake, about who he was to me and how he made me feel. The G-rated version of course. Think my conservative old man would’ve choked on his own breath if I’d let on about Jake’s choice of jewelry. My lips break in an immediate smile at the thought, and I drop my head, for no reason in particular, I’m alone, but the thought is private.
I spent so much of my time thinking of Jake, not only reminiscing about our time but wondering what he was up to, how he was doing. It would consume hours of my days at times and pushing that aside was hard.
The front door opens pulling me from my thoughts, and I smile up at Steve as he steps onto the porch. “Mornin’, shortcake, sleep okay?”
I shrug non-committedly, knowing my answer would be unnecessary; the dark circles under my eyes are enough to give away my lack of rest. “Headed to work?” I ask, my voice catching on the dryness in my throat.
Nodding his head, Steve drops a kiss on the top of my head, starting towards the stairs.
“Stevie,” I stop his descent, dropping my voice to a quiet whisper. “Can you not tell; you know I just need to sort my head out. I’ll—”
“Aubrey, sweetheart,” he coaxes. “I won’t say a word. You approach him when you’re ready. A word of advice though, it’s a small town, someone’s gonna notice you around soon, don’t let him think you’re avoidin’ him.” I give him a small smile, and he waves leaving me in my own company once again. I sit for a while longer.