“You can wear anything you want, and Grandma always liked you in red. She always used to buy you red sweaters for school picture day. Every time I walked in her hallway, it would make me smile how all your school photos were in red,” she said. “It’s fitting you wear red.”
I heard two Sweetie Gals songs on the way to the church.
“Hey Emme,” Kylie said, coming over to hug me.
“I didn’t know you were coming,” I said. “Sorry I haven’t called you back. I’ve been so out of it.”
“I know, and it’s a half-day anyway, so my mom let me cut out early so I could be here,” she said. She told me everybody missed me at school, and she said Darren kept asking about me.
“Margaux is coming, and Rory said she’ll call you tonight. Oh, Tyrell gave me a sympathy card to give you,” she said, digging in her purse. “He said he’ll help you with the math stuff when you get back, too.”
“Tyrell is so thoughtful. You know, Brendon’s supposed to come today,” I said.
“Are you sure?” she asked. “The student council’s supposed to have a mandatory meeting after school because it’s a half-day. I guess he’s going to miss it for you.”
He probably forgot about the meeting when he said he’d come.
My mom and Caroline were worrying about whether there would be enough food for everyone at the luncheon after the service. We stood in the hall of the church and greeted everyone as they came inside. Margaux walked up, clutching Seth’s arm. She was always hanging on him trying to show what a close couple they were. Meanwhile, he always seemed like he wanted to escape. I had to admit I was impressed he had agreed to come to a funeral with her. She must have told him about the luncheon afterward. I was still looking for Brendon when Caroline touched my arm and told me it was time to go inside.
My mom and Caroline walked in first with Grandpa, and then my dad, Uncle George, and I followed behind them. I sat next to my dad and Grandpa in the first bench. Grandpa got emotional, so I spent the service comforting him.
Father Jerzy ended the service, and the choir began singing “How Great Thou Art.” The family was supposed to leave first, so I followed my dad out of the pew. Kylie waved to me as we walked down the aisle, and I noticed my cousins, Tara and Rodney, hadn’t come to the funeral. I helped Grandpa down the steps to the church basement where the luncheon was being held. The tables were all set up, and Grandpa wanted to sit down. Kylie and Margaux stood in the doorway until I motioned them over. They didn’t know what to say to Grandpa.
“Thank you girls for coming,” he said. “Emme, you should go and sit with your friends. I’ll go sit with Aldeans.”
“This might be super inappropriate and all, but who is the hot guy with the highlighted hair?” Margaux asked as Grandpa went over to sit with his nephews.
“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” I asked.
“Yeah, but Seth’s in the bathroom,” she said. “I’m free to look as long as I don’t do it in front of him.”
“The one in the navy suit? I know he’s my cousin, but I don’t see this side of the family very often. I’m guessing either Fredrick or Austin,” I said.
“How old is he?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I think they’re both still in high school. Um, Seth is on his way over here,” I said.
“Margaux, only you would try to pick someone up at a funeral,” Kylie said. “Next time, don’t bring a date.”
I could tell Margaux was wishing she hadn’t brought Seth. Mom walked by and told us to wait until everyone else had gone in the food line.
“We weren’t expecting this many people to come, but Theresa’s whole family came, and she has twenty grandkids,” Mom said. She handed me some money. “If they run out of food you can run to the fast food place next door.”
Father Jerzy came over and gave me a hug. “Why aren’t you guys in line for lunch?” he asked. “Aren’t you hungry? We’ve got lots of good food.”
I explained my mother’s worries about there not being enough food for everyone. He shook his head.
“The women who cook for these events always make extra so everybody can have seconds or even thirds. Go help yourselves,” Father said. “Just save me a cupcake—chocolate, not vanilla.”
We got in line and piled our paper plates high with potatoes, pasta salads, and rolls. I hadn’t eaten much the night before, and I was starving. I even went back for seconds. Seth and Margaux hit the dessert table, and they brought us each a piece of spice cake and a cupcake.
“Margaux, we’ve gotta take off,” Seth said. “I have to be at work by three.”
Margaux started to get up, but Kylie said her mother was going to pick her up after the luncheon, and she could give her a ride home. Seth left and Margaux forced me to get information on my cousin.
Aunt Caroline brought Austin over to the table, and Margaux moved right in on him. She even ended up getting a ride home with him. Father Jerzy came over to say we were going to the cemetery next, so Kylie gave me a hug and promised to call me later.
“I’m sorry he didn’t show today,” she said. “I’m sure he wanted to be here.”
“Whatever, it’s fine. I’m so grateful you were here, Ky. Thank you.”
I got in my Uncle George’s car to ride over to the cemetery.
“You okay, Em?” Caroline asked.
“Yeah, my boyfriend was supposed to be here, but I guess he couldn’t make it.”
“Well, it was nice of him to come yesterday and for his family to send over dinner.”
“I would have felt out of place coming if I were him,” George said. “He came yesterday, and it was nice your friends came today to support you.”
“Way more than Tara and Rod did,” Caroline said. “I asked their mother where they were today, and she lied straight to my face and said they had school today, when I know full well St. Lucy’s had the day off.”
“You know, Margaux left with Austin,” I said.
“You’re kidding me? Austin’s supposed to be at the cemetery because he’s a pallbearer,” she said.
We arrived at the cemetery, and Mom told me to pick a rose from the flower arrangement next to the door as we walked into the chapel. It didn’t matter that Austin left because the funeral director wheeled the casket in. Father Jerzy said a few words and had my grandma’s sister, Theresa, and Grandpa both sprinkle holy water over the casket. That’s when it hit me—this was final. My grandmother was actually in the box in front of us, and we were going to leave her. I could feel my anxiety rising as I realized this was the last time I’d ever be in the same room with my grandma. Adrenaline pumped through my body as the people started filing out, but I just sat there. Once I left this room, I wouldn’t have a grandma anymore. How could everyone just walk out and go about their lives? Caroline put her hand on my shoulder.
“Honey, it’s time,” she said.
I wanted to be the last one out, so I waited until everyone had passed by, and then put my hand on the casket. I didn’t know what to say, so I said “good-bye” to Grandma in my head and placed the rose on top. I sat in the backseat and cried quietly the whole way home. It started to rain when we got out of the car, and I wanted to go back and tell them they couldn’t leave my grandma out in the rain. I couldn’t stand the thought of her being outside in the rain and getting cold. Crying, I went up to my room and tried to write in my journal, but I had too much going on in my head to put into words. Brendon and Kylie both called, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.
I came downstairs at five o’clock, and there were still a few family members at the house. My grandpa was sitting with his cousin, Eddie, who was speaking Polish to him. Grandpa couldn’t remember where he had slept the night before, but he could suddenly speak in Polish without any hesitation. My older cousin Carla came over to sit with us when Eddie left. She had lost her grandmother last summer, and I hadn’t gone to the funeral because I had plans to go to the beach with Kylie the same day. Yet here Carla was, a
nd she had taken off a day of work for my grandmother.
Grandpa started to cry, which made me cry, and Carla didn’t know what to do. She and I were never close, seeing as she graduated from high school when I was in the first grade, but she sat there with us and tried to be supportive. If I had been her, I would have backed away slowly and left the room. I asked her for her e-mail address before she left. She seemed surprised, but wrote it down for me.
After everyone left, I went upstairs and took off my makeup. Putting on my favorite fuzzy pajamas, I got into bed. I put a cartoon on my laptop and just wanted to forget about my life for a little while.
Chapter 26
Everyone swears they’re going to be there for you when someone dies, but three days later there’s nobody around. Before the funeral, people brought crappy casseroles and gelatin salads over for days. After the last one was gone, my dad realized there was no food in the house. I had noticed, seeing as I don’t eat gelatin or casseroles, but did anybody care I was practically starving? Nope. Mom asked me to go to the store with her. Grandma and I used to go grocery shopping together every Thursday night. She liked this grocery store that was a half-hour away because it was cuter than the usual warehouse-like ones and was part of a strip mall. First we’d go look at the candles and decorations at the stationary store next door. Grandma always bought cards for people. She had sent me one for every holiday, always with a twenty-dollar bill inside. Halloween was the first time I hadn’t gotten a card from her.
Next, we’d go to this little clothing store where I’d usually find a sweater or something and she’d buy it for me. I never asked her to buy me anything—in fact, sometimes I even tried to talk her out of spending money on me—but she had to get me something. There was one time when I tried on a bunch of stuff and I liked it all, but I told her I didn’t need any more clothes. I didn’t want to be like my cousin Tara who only spent time with her so she could get stuff. But while I was changing, Grandma took everything I tried on up to the counter and bought it for me.
After we went to the clothing store, we’d stop and have hot chocolate at the bookstore café while reading tabloids. We’d always read who was dating whom and then try to figure out if it was a real relationship or if they were just together to promote a movie. Then we’d finally get to the grocery store and load up. Grandma was into organic food. She might have eaten a lot of red meat, but at least it was organic. She always said preservatives were bad for you, and she got me buying all organic fruit and things. However, when it came to junk food and ice cream, as long as it was in the health food aisle, she didn’t care. She’d buy gluten-free cookies, all natural cream cola, rice chips, and we’d always go through the ice cream drive-through on the way home. Then we’d go back to their house, and I’d watch TV with Grandpa and finish my ice cream while Grandma did the crossword puzzle. Now it felt like I couldn’t even drive past a grocery store without wanting to cry.
When Mom and I walked into the store, my chest felt tight. Then I saw a box of the organic cookies Grandma liked and started crying right in the aisle.
“Emme, I know, it’s hard, but Grandma wouldn’t want you to be sad,” Mom said as she dug through her purse for a tissue. “All I have is an old receipt from the drugstore. Try not to get the ink on your face when you blow your nose.”
“Can I get the cookies?” I asked. “And a bottle of the natural soda?”
“I don’t care, but I don’t want you to be miserable. You know you’re going to just sit there crying and eating,” she said. “Oh man, they have those rice chips she always ate. Get two bags. I want to drown my sorrows, too.”
As much as I missed Grandma, it also felt like I was starting to miss Grandpa, even though he was still here. He would constantly ask, “Where’s Mom?” and sometimes he’d even ask, “Is Pop home from work?” about his own father who had died years before I was born. But at least Grandpa didn’t seem scared like Grandma had been. He might not have known whose house he was in, but he seemed happy if I put on a ball game and gave him some Cheezy Kurls and a glass of fruit punch.
In the past, we always spent Thanksgiving at my grandma’s house. She used to make the turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, and a big pumpkin pie for dessert. Now Caroline and my uncle were coming over to eat a meal my dad had picked up premade from the supermarket. How depressing. Mom had the Thanksgiving Day parade on for Grandpa. I didn’t think it was necessary to get dressed up since it was just my aunt and uncle, but Mom told me to change out of my jeans. I put on my beige pants and my favorite black turtleneck sweater. I didn’t feel like doing my hair so I pulled it back into a ponytail.
Caroline brought over some flowers for the table, and everyone was trying to be upbeat, but it wasn’t working. The only sounds we made during dinner were eating noises, and I realized how disgusting it was to listen to someone chew. I only ate the mashed potatoes and corn because the stuffing had bits of turkey in it and the green bean casserole had bacon in it. There was also a sweet potato dish, but it had marshmallow in it and the thought of mixing candy and potatoes grossed me out. I cut a big piece of pumpkin pie since I was still hungry.
“Emme, you should eat your dinner and not just the dessert,” George said.
“I did eat my dinner, but there’s meat in the stuffing and in the beans,” I said.
“So pick the meat out,” he said.
“You can still taste the—”
“George, leave her alone,” Caroline said. “Let’s just have a nice family dinner.”
He sighed. “I just think—”
“Emme’s old enough to decide for herself,” she said.
I made sure to put extra soy whipped cream on my pie just to annoy him. He told me about the importance of animal protein, and how I’d basically shrivel up and die without it.
“Interesting, well, I need to catch up on my homework, so I should head upstairs,” I said.
I overheard George say it was rude of me to leave when I had company over, but Mom said I needed to make up the assignments from the days I missed for the funeral.
I sat on my bed and flipped through my phone. I knew Kylie was at her grandmother’s house, Brendon was with his grandparents’, and Margaux had gone to Kentucky to visit her family. However, Rory had said that her family wasn’t super traditional so I took a chance and called her.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“My whole family is crazy right now. My uncle overcooked the turkey, and my aunt called him stupid, and now everybody’s mad at each other. What’s going on with you?” she asked.
“I dunno. Everything’s weird. I needed an escape from everybody,” I said.
“How’s your grandpa taking it?” she asked.
I didn’t want to tell her Grandpa’s dementia had now gotten to the point where he didn’t always remember my grandmother had passed away. Rory would feel uncomfortable and probably say how bad she felt for me, and I didn’t want her pity. In fact, I was sick of everybody looking at me with those sad oh-you-poor-thing eyes. I had enough of that at the funeral. Instead, I said it was difficult for him.
“It’s hard because we always spent the holidays with her,” I said.
“Yeah. I’m supposed to go to Frankenmuth with my family for the holiday walk tomorrow,” she said.
“Do you have to go?” I asked. “Maybe we could do something.”
“Much better! Do you want to get together at your house?” she asked.
My aunt made a big deal about not telling people about Grandpa’s dementia, and I didn’t want Rory to come over and have it come out she already knew. Plus, the family room still smelled a little bit like urine from yesterday’s accident.
“I kinda want to get out of my house because my uncle’s driving me crazy,” I said, which wasn’t a lie.
“Well, maybe you could come with us to Frankenmuth. They have all the holiday stuff up there, and I’ll go nuts if I’m left alone with my family for another minute.” She went to ask her mo
m if I could come.
“Yup, it’s fine. We’ll pick you up at seven tomorrow,” she said.
I went downstairs to tell my mom, and my aunt said we were supposed to go shopping tomorrow.
“I already told Rory I would go with her,” I said.
“Maybe you should have asked first,” my uncle said as he scrubbed the carving knife. I wondered if he wanted to use it on me.
Caroline sighed. “We don’t come to town that often, but if you’d rather go out with your friend…”
“We won’t be out long. Rory’s been a good friend to me, and she’s going through some family stuff right now,” I said. No need to elaborate on the fact her family’s problem was an overcooked turkey.
Mom said I could go, and I offered to help with the dishes. Unfortunately, I had forgotten we used the good plates, which meant they had to be dried by hand. At least I didn’t have to wash the gravy boat or the plate the turkey was on because grease made my stomach roll. When I was in the fifth grade I threw up after my mom left a pan of pot roast grease out on the counter.
We went into the family room to watch football after the dishes were done. Normally after the game, we watched It’s a Wonderful Life, but the disc was at my grandparents’ house. Instead, we watched some old Christmas film set in an orphanage with a couple of priests who needed to raise money or else the little orphans would end up homeless. The whole thing was so depressing, watching the tiny children complaining about being hungry. The movie was supposed to inspire people to focus on giving rather than receiving during the holidays, but I honestly didn’t know why everybody raved about this movie, which was basically just close-ups of small children crying over being cold and hungry. I bet this movie was why so many people killed themselves over the holidays. Well, this movie and having to spend so much time with their families. I was starting to feel a little suicidal myself when the telephone rang.
“Hey, you picked up. How was your Thanksgiving?” Brendon asked.
Seriously? You blow off my grandma’s funeral after saying you’ll be there and that’s your opener? “Depressing. How was yours?”
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