Sitting on a bench near the front entrance, waiting for Craig to bring the car round, I thought about my brother. I thought about him lying in his hospital bed, at the mercy of whatever power it is that decides if we live or die. I thought about my mum, and about how she would be coping if she were here with us right now. Tilting my head back and looking up into the inky black sky littered with thousands of tiny bright stars twinkling; I asked for her help. “Mum, if you can hear me, help James through this. Don’t let them take him from us yet.”
Craig chose that moment to draw his Range Rover up in front of me. “How are you feeling?” he asked, getting out of the car and coming round to meet me.
“Numb,” I replied in all honesty. I didn’t know what to feel. It was like I was floating through some parallel universe where everything was screwed up, but that was okay because that was how it was meant to be. But that wasn’t right; it wasn’t how it was meant to be. My brother shouldn’t have been fighting for his life. He should have been out celebrating the New Year, like everyone else his age was. He should have been singing Auld Lang Syne and drinking too much, telling complete strangers that he loved them. He should not have been lying in a hospital bed battered and bruised, and in a coma.
“I wish I could make it all better for you,” Craig whispered into my hair. "I haven't got a fucking clue what to do or say. I hate it babe. I hate not being able to do something." He wrapped his arm around my waist and drew me tight into his side before leading me over to the passenger door of the car. I hated not being able to do anything too.
Craig
I felt helpless, so fucking helpless. I thought I’d seen Amber at her lowest after David’s attack the previous summer. Then there had been something I could do. I had options. This was out of my control. I couldn’t throw money at it, argue with it, or threaten it. All I could do was sit back and watch pain consume her.
I fucking hated it!
After leaving the hospital Amber didn’t say a word, she just stared out of her window. I noticed an occasional tear slip down her cheek, which she always swiped away quickly, as though she was angry at herself for feeling sad. Her gaze never wandered from out of that window once though.
I didn’t know much about James, other than what Amber had told me. It would appear that he’d grown quite an addiction to drinking, drugs and gambling over the years. On more than one occasion he’d called on Amber’s help to bail him out. When she’d refused last summer and told him to leave her alone, he had. She hadn’t seen or heard from him since. After what she’d said back in the waiting room, I knew she was blaming herself for this. What I didn’t know was how I would get through to her that this had nothing to do with her. I felt helpless.
When I finally pulled the car into the driveway and shut off the engine, I looked over at Amber still gazing out of the window, staring at nothing but darkness. She hadn’t even realised we were home. I knew I needed to get her inside and cuddled up in bed, hoping the warmth and comfort would help her relax enough to get some rest.
“Amber, we’re home baby.” As I opened her door I crouched down to look at her. What I saw when she looked into my eyes brought me to my knees. Never had I seen such turmoil play out through someone’s eyes before. They were swimming with sadness, regret, and confusion. My heart broke for her. “Come on Pingu, let’s get you inside. We can only hope that tomorrow will bring better news.”
When she just continued to stare at me blankly without moving, I knew she’d gone to a deep, dark place that would be hard to pull her from. Despite the myriad of emotions crossing her features, her eyes were dull and lifeless. Reaching in the car I unbuckled her seatbelt and slid her out, holding her tight.
I managed a few steps toward the front door before she became aware of her surroundings and struggled to get out of my hold. “Craig,” she pleaded. “Put me down. I can walk, I’m fine.” I tightened my arms around her, but when she continued to wriggle I had to give in and let her down or risk us both toppling over.
“You’re not fine, baby. You’re in shock or something. Come on, let me get you inside.” With my arm wrapped around her waist again, I walked us toward the front door. As soon as we were in the hallway and I had shut and locked the door behind us, we were startled by a sound coming from the living room. The house was otherwise quiet and dark, our party guests having left during our absence.
“Stay here,” I whispered to Amber over my shoulder as I started walking toward the living room. My heart was pounding, fearful of who or what I was going to find. As I passed the side table near the archway into the room, I picked up the only weapon I could put my hands on, my gran’s old stone statue. It wasn’t ideal, but would have to do… just in case! Taking a deep breath I steeled myself, ready to confront our intruder and took a step around into the room.
“Who is it?” Amber whispered from somewhere close behind me.
Muttering several expletives under my breath, I didn’t turn around to chastise her for not obeying my order to stay in the safety of the hallway. Instead I lifted my hand up behind me to tell her to stay right where she was. It was dark in the room, the only glimmer of light coming from the bright beam of moonlight shining through the French windows. Looking around in the darkness, I expected to see someone rifling through our belongings. My heart was pounding a ferocious beat in my chest, my palms were sweaty threatening my grip on the statue and I was shaking from the adrenalin coursing through my veins.
Taking a further cautious step into the room I couldn’t see anything. The French doors seemed fine with no evidence of a break in. There was no movement; no other sounds and I began to think I’d imagined the whole thing. Then I heard it again, a soft rustling sound, followed by a soft murmur and then a gentle crash as something hit the wooden floor. I immediately reached for the light switch and flooded the room with the bright glow of the inset spotlights scattered around the ceiling.
A shriek and movement from the armchair drew my attention in that direction.
“What are you still doing here?” I questioned as my nerves began to ease. My mum stood from the chair looking as white as a sheet.
“Jesus Christ, Craig. Would you stop scaring me like that?” She took a deep breath and placed her palm over her chest that was rising and falling sharply, an obvious declaration of her fear.
“Me scaring you? How about you scaring us? We thought we had intruders,” I explained, exasperated and confused why she was still there and sitting in the dark. “What are you still doing here, sitting in the dark? It’s late.”
“I wanted to be here when you got home, in case I could help, or do something or… I don’t know. I just wanted to be here. I must have fallen asleep reading and your fancy motion sensor lights must have switched off. How’s your brother, Amber?”
I peeked over to my left where Amber was standing next to me, fighting to hold back tears. God, I wished I could do something, anything to make this all go away for her. I promised her I would protect her, but how could I protect her from this?
“He… he’s not good,” she said in a quiet shaky voice, staring across the room at nothing in particular.
“Baby, why don’t you go up and get ready for bed. I’ll be up in a minute okay?” I pulled her into my arms and kissed the top of her head.
She began shaking her head from side to side and pulled away from me. “No, I should start cleaning up.”
“Amber, it’s okay. I’ve already done it,” Mum said. “When everyone left I decided to stay and clean-up for you so you wouldn’t have to. You look exhausted sweetheart, go and try to get some rest, you’ll no doubt have a long day ahead of you tomorrow.”
Amber looked between Mum and me, before nodding her head and turning to walk away.
“I’ll be with you in a minute, baby, okay?” Her shoulders slumped forward as she nodded and continued moving. She took small unhurried steps, like she was lifeless and running on autopilot.
“So, how is he?” Mum asked as soon as Amber
was out of earshot.
“Not good. Not good at all. They really did a number on him Mum, I’ve never seen someone so battered and bruised before.” I shuddered at the memory of seeing James’s lifeless body lying prone on the hospital bed. They said people looked peaceful, like they were asleep when they were in a coma. James didn’t look peaceful. He looked like he’d been through a battle with Mike Tyson, Lennox Lewis and both Klitschko brothers, at the same time. The only sign he was still with us was from the jagged lines forming on the monitors near his bed. Those lines letting us know that his heart was still beating, and he was breathing. How much of that James himself was doing, and how much was the machines I had no clue. I just knew that from what I saw, he was lucky to still be alive.
“What happened?” Mum asked looking at me with concern etched deep in her usually bright blue eyes.
“We’re not sure exactly. All we know is, someone attacked him in an alleyway and left him there unconscious. He was found by a passer-by who called the ambulance.” I shrugged, that was all we had to go on. I was sure the police would be sniffing around for more information, but I wasn’t sure how much we could give them. I knew nothing about James and I was sure Amber wasn’t privy to who he associated with to have any idea who might have done this.
Mum winced and paled at the thought of such brutality as tears welled in her eyes. “Who would do such a thing?”
“In all honesty we don’t know, Mum. Maybe we’ll find out more when we go back up to the hospital later. Anyway, enough of all that, what are you still doing here? You look exhausted.”
“I wanted to be here. I couldn’t sit at home and worry. Poor Amber looked so scared when you left here earlier.” It warmed my heart how easily my mum had accepted Amber into her life, how she felt just as protective of her as I did. I thought about Amber and hoped she’d managed to fall asleep. I needed to go up to her and make sure she was okay.
“Mum, I need to go check on Amber. Do you want me to call you a cab, or drop you home?”
“If it’s okay with you, I was going to stay over. I don’t want you guys worrying about anything here. I’m sure you’ll have more important things to concentrate on in the morning.”
“Of course it’s okay. You know you can stay whenever you want; the guest room is always ready. What about the dog?”
“Carly and Melody can look after him for a while. I want to do this for you guys, Craig. I want to help.”
“And we appreciate it, Mum.”
After a brief hug we said goodnight and I headed up to bed, up to my sad and scared Pingu.
The lights were out when I entered the bedroom. That was a good sign, I thought. I hoped it meant Amber was curled up in bed, sound asleep. As I began to strip my clothes off soft whimpers filled the air, and restless movements drew my attention toward the bed.
“No, please, God no. Don’t leave me,” Amber cried out. The sad, desperate tone of her voice sent my pulse racing from nought to sixty in a nano second. “Don’t go,” she cried again.
“Amber.” I walked over to her side of the bed and switched on the lamp, the soft glow highlighting the pale look of fear on her face. “Amber, baby, wake up.” Taking a seat on the edge of the bed next to her, I stroked along her cheek, and pushed away a tendril of hair stuck to her sweat soaked forehead. “Wake up, Ambs. You’re having a bad dream.”
Her eyes sprung open and she looked at me panicked and scared. I noticed for the first time that she was shaking. “Oh God, Craig. Thank God! I dreamed it was you. It was you in that hospital bed. You didn’t make it, you left me,” she whispered, her eyes wide and never leaving mine.
I wrapped her in my arms and tugged her tight against my chest, proving that I was there with her. “I’m here, baby. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” I placed gentle kisses on the top of her head and felt her relax into me. A few minutes later her breathing evened out as she drifted back off to sleep.
Lying in the dark with Amber curled into my side; I couldn’t help but pray that James pulled through. Not because I wanted him to, I didn’t know the guy, but for Amber. If he didn’t make it, I wasn’t sure what it would do to her.
Amber had a restless night, tossing and turning and whimpering in her sleep. Being as attuned to her as I was, it meant I got little rest as I tried to soothe away her demons. When she woke before the first glimmers of dawn began to peek through the window, I was up with her, feeling grumpy and exhausted from lack of sleep.
Through my sleep deprived haze I managed to take a shower and get dressed. Amber wasn’t in the bedroom when I re-emerged so I grabbed my phone, keys and wallet from the dresser and walked downstairs. Knowing Amber and her caffeine addiction, I guessed she was probably already in the kitchen having her first cup of coffee.
Walking through the doorway I noticed her straight away. She was sitting on one of the stools, slumped over at the breakfast bar. Her favourite mug was nestled between her palms as she stared into its contents, lost in thought. She was oblivious to anyone or anything going on around her.
“Do you want breakfast, Craig?” Mum asked from over near the sink. I turned to look at her as she swung her gaze from me to Amber and back again with a look of concern.
“Just coffee would be great. Thanks Mum.” I pulled a stool up next to Amber. “How are you doing, Pingu?” I whispered into her hair as I rubbed soothing circles along her back.
“I’m sorry if I kept you awake last night,” she said, her voice sounding hoarse from the emotion of the previous twelve hours. Her eyes remained locked on her coffee.
“Hey, listen to me,” I said in a soft voice as I reached for her chin so I could angle her head around look at me. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I wish there was something I could do to make this all better for you.”
“Nothing can make this better, Craig. He’s critically ill in that hospital because of me. If I’d helped him out and been there for him, he wouldn’t be lying there right now.” She tugged her face from my grasp and moved to stand. I pulled her back, not letting her run away so she could brood alone.
“Amber, I told you last night, none of this is your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself. We all make our own choices in life. If this happened because of his choices, then it was a risk he took each time he got involved in something he shouldn’t have.”
She looked at me, her eyes harrowed and pained. “But if I had been in contact with him, Craig, I would have known he was in trouble. I could have helped him,” she said, trying to pull away again.
“Baby, he also could have tried reaching out to you again. There are so many what ifs but they are not going to help him now, are they? Let’s see how he is and take it from there, okay?” When she didn’t reply I asked again, “Okay?” She nodded and buried her face into my neck, seeking the comfort and reassurance of my embrace.
CHAPTER SIX
Amber
Craig didn’t know what it was like. He didn’t know how it felt. He could try and lecture me all he liked, but the simple fact of the matter was, my brother needed help and I’d ignored him. I’d turned my back on him. Nobody gets beaten as brutally as James had been because of some random street crime. No, it had been revenge at its finest, a pre-meditated act of payback. Payback for something I could have and should have helped him with. I had just as much blood on my hands with his assault as his attackers did.
Shortly after Craig’s pep talk that morning we had left the house and travelled back to the hospital. This time, though, I knew exactly what we would be facing. I knew my brother was an unrecognisable broken mess. I knew I had so many questions about why, who, where? I also knew that no matter what, my dad needed to get his sorry arse act together and get his backside there to see James. What I didn’t know was, would James survive?
“Are you ready to do this?” Craig asked as we stepped out from the car.
It was a freezing cold morning, with frost clinging to every surface, and a bitter cold wind howling around us,
but I didn’t feel it. I wrapped my arms around myself, not to protect me from the external chill, but from the internal one coursing through me as it numbed everything in its path.
I turned to look at Craig. “No, but I have to.”
“No news is good news, remember? When I phoned and checked earlier there had been no change. He’d had a stable night.”
Stable? What the hell did that mean? Stable meant balanced, strong and secure. James was none of those things at that moment; in fact he was the complete polar opposite. He was weak, vulnerable and broken.
Walking through the doors into the ITU, I got one of those weird feelings where everything felt so wrong, yet all the chaos was so normal. For the doctors and nurses it was normal. It was what they dealt with day in, day out, and I had to take comfort in the fact that James appeared to be in the best possible care.
Approaching James’s room I heaved a sigh of relief when I saw my dad sitting beside the bed, his head bowed as though he was lost in thought. As we walked closer he peered up, looking toward us. He looked dreadful and I was sure he must have had the same amount of sleep as I’d managed the previous night. None.
“How’s he doing?” I asked with a quiet voice as we approached.
“He’s stable. That’s all they can say at the moment.” He shifted his gaze back to my brother. “I’m sorry about last night, Ambs. Being back here… it just brought back too many memories. I had to get away,” he said, his voice wavering with emotion.
Silver Dove (Silver #2) Page 6