Amber’s car was parked out on the street when the taxi pulled up and a fission of unease crashed over me. Typically Amber would park in the driveway, being out on the street meant only one thing; she would be going out again. I unlocked the door and slowly pushed it open. My usually welcoming home was clouded with a heavy ambience and my heart sunk. Upstairs “Draw The Line” was playing loudly. Slowly I climbed the stairs and made my way along the hallway to our bedroom. I paused outside the door for a moment bracing myself against the frame. What was I going to say to Amber? How could I explain to her what had happened and get her to understand and try to forgive me?
The song ended and started again and I squeezed my eyes shut. It was killing me.
I wasn’t prepared for what faced me when I gathered the courage to enter the room. On the bed were two open suitcases full of Amber’s things. She froze when she walked out of the wardrobe and saw me standing at the foot of the bed. Her eyes were red and puffy with tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Amber, I-” She shook her head and stepped back when I moved toward her. “Please, baby, I’m so sorry for getting angry at the office. I was frustrated and needed time to think.” I continued stepping forward but she kept sidestepping and evading me.
“Please,” she sobbed with bitter sarcasm. “I saw you, Craig. I know you went to Flanagan’s.”
I started trembling. “I needed a drink,” I said feebly.
“No, Craig, I SAW you,” she screamed. “I saw you with Jenny, I saw it all.”
She rushed past me and threw the things she was carrying into a case and quickly zipped them up.
“Don’t do this Ambs, I can explain. Nothing happened,” I pleaded.
Amber dragged the cases off the bed and laughed bitterly. “Having your lips and hands all over another woman’s isn’t nothing Craig. It’s called fucking up. Look it up.”
“Amber, don’t do this,” I begged again.
She stood with her hands gripping the handles on the cases and closed her pained eyes. “Don’t do what Craig? Protect my heart? Protect my head?” Her head shook infinitesimally as she opened her eyes and started to walk away.
I was desperate when my arm shot out to grab her elbow. “Amber, it wasn’t-”
She yanked her arm from my grip, her head tilting toward the ceiling. “It’s over Craig. I can’t forgive what I saw.”
“Don’t go,” I pleaded. “I’ll move into the spare room, give you space. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t go. Please, baby, I love you. Don’t go.”
She paused for a moment on her way from the room, her head dropped and her shoulders shaking as she cried. She played with her wedding and engagement rings for a moment, her expression conflicted, before finally slipping them from her finger and dropping them on top of the dresser. The clatter of them hitting the wooden surface sent a tremor through my body, the noise sounding like the final nail hammering into my coffin.
“Amber!” I cried as I watched her walk away from me. She didn’t stop. She didn’t look back. I should have chased after her, I should have begged her more to stay, to talk to me, but in that moment my life drained away from me. I dropped to my knees feeling the pain shoot through me. A drunken moment of weakness and stupidity had cost me everything.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
February
Amber
I’d spent a month staying in one of Becki and Scott’s spare bedrooms trying to move forward with my life. It had been tough and I’d tried to stay strong by concentrating on work and rebuilding my relationship with Becki. My jealousy over her pregnancy was long forgotten and I found myself being excited for her. Scott was coming round to the idea of being a dad and it warmed my heart when I’d catch them having a quiet chat and he’d be caressing the swell of her growing belly.
Marika and Giana spent as much time with me as possible taking my mind off things. Giana was growing up so fast and could brighten my mood instantly with a simple smile. Every time she said “Aun Aber” my heart melted. I don’t know what I would have done if it hadn’t been for these people.
Craig had tried several times to beg me to come home but it always ended up the same way, with me breaking down and telling him to leave or hanging up on him. I couldn’t forgive and forget. Not that. He’d finally conceded defeat and told me he would give me some time and space to work things through, but he wouldn’t give up on us. He didn’t have a choice, I already had.
A week after I walked out on Craig, Peter, my immediate manager had asked me into his office and told me about a teacher exchange programme he wanted me to consider. It was an amazing opportunity to be able to work in a high school in Boston for a year. The timing couldn’t have been better, giving me the change I desperately needed to move past my recent spates of broken relationships. One thing was certain; I would avoid men at all costs.
Two days later, I’d had a video conference with their school Principal and was offered the position immediately. All I had to do was to sort out my visa and airline ticket. Accommodation would be provided when I arrived.
Marika came over one afternoon to be my partner in crime. Craig, according to Scott, had been spending a lot of time working from home ‘moping about and acting mysterious’. I‘d needed to find out when he would definitely be away from the house so I had called in Marika. She’d phoned Margaret pretending to be one of Craig’s clients to check on his availability for a meeting. When I knew he would be busy in meetings, I planned my visit. I needed to have some time in the house by myself to gather up the last of my personal belongings and get my passport so I could apply for my visa. I hadn’t been ready to run into Craig and tell him of my plans. I knew he wouldn’t accept it and would try to talk me out of it.
It was strange walking into a house that, from day one, had always felt so alive and vibrant. It had always felt like home. As I stood looking around the place, it felt like me, lifeless. It was like the soul had been sucked out and all that was left was a huge gaping chasm of coldness and loneliness. All the happy memories, all the laughter and love, it was gone.
Craig once told me that until I’d come into his life the place had meant nothing to him, that it was just a shell, somewhere to store his stuff, sleep and shower. When he’d been house hunting he’d felt a pull to the place, but until I’d moved in with him he’d never understood why. He’d said that having me here with him he finally felt like he belonged somewhere, that we belonged there together.
How did we get here? We were so happy and so in love. Then just like that, it was all stripped away.
A crippling pain of heartbreak raced across my chest as I dropped my bag on the small table in the hallway. I automatically reached out for the pile of mail sitting there and had to pull my hand back. It wasn’t mine anymore. The post wasn’t mine, the house wasn’t mine, the ornaments and knick knacks weren’t mine. A violent shudder bubbled up through my body, the intensity of it threatening my ability to remain standing upright. As I gripped the edge of the table to steady myself my gaze caught on the old statue standing proud in the centre. I moved my hand up to touch the dove pendant around my neck. These heirlooms had been in the Silver family for generations, both supposedly symbols of hope, love and protection. I decided right then that they didn’t work. Although I still loved Craig - I always would, he was ingrained in my heart - the hope for our future together had been shattered and the protection of our marriage was gone.
Moving my hands to the back of my neck I unclasped the necklace and held it in the palm of my hand. As I circled my fingers around it and held it to my chest, I wished things had been so different. I wished I hadn’t been so obsessed with trying for a baby that I’d failed to realise what I’d been doing to Craig. I wished he’d never stormed out to the bar that day. But most of all I wished I hadn’t witnessed what I did, that he hadn’t done what he did. The ever present image I had of Craig’s lips on Jenny’s, of his hands stroking along her bare flesh had me gasping for air and stretching out my fi
ngers allowing the necklace to fall from my grasp. The pendant landed in a tangled mess on the wooden table and I realised any hopes of the fairy-tale happily ever after with Craig had long since disappeared. Hopes and dreams were just that, dreams, unobtainable.
I reminded myself I was there for one reason and one reason only. I crossed the hallway and stepped into the living room. I needed to gather together the last of my things and prepare to move on, to start over yet again.
As I wandered into the room further my eyes were drawn to something resting on the coffee table. Sitting on the glass top was a small piece of paper lying next to a photo. Reaching for the paper I immediately recognised Craig’s handwriting and the photo was a copy of our favourite wedding picture. I looked at the photo remembering that happy moment. We had just been announced as husband and wife and the photographer had caught us at the perfect moment to capture the pure joy and love as Craig leaned in to kiss me for the first time as his wife. Closing my eyes to hold back the tears threatening to spill, I willed myself to hold it together and to get what I needed and leave, probably for the last time.
When I opened my eyes I dropped the photo back onto the table then looked at the note.
Without thinking, I reached for the stereo remote sitting on the small table at the end of the sofa and hit the play button. The room immediately filled with the beautiful instrumental introduction of “Everything” by Lifehouse. As the velvety voice started singing, I once again looked down at the photo of the smiling couple as the words hit my heart like a wrecking ball to the chest.
It was too much, way too much. Why was Craig doing this to me now? I’d thought we were moving on. I thought he knew we couldn’t go back. Things were said and done that we could never take back. We couldn’t dismiss it and move forward ignoring it all; regardless of how much it hurt the heart. Sometimes you just needed to accept that you were better off living apart with happy memories, rather than living with constant fear of hurt and betrayal.
As the bridge kicked in I stumbled back a few paces and fell down onto the sofa. Unable to hold back the overwhelming emotion the song was evoking in me the tears began to stream down my face. I pulled my knees up hugging them tight to my chest as I sobbed through the final strains of the song.
“Why, Craig? Why?” I cried out into the room as the song finished, leaving me once again in the quiet stillness of the room. “Why did you do that, why did you destroy us… nothing was better than this.” I dropped my head to my knees and let the feeling of sorrow swallow me whole and shroud me with its thick cloak.
“I never meant to hurt you, Amber. I was angry and confused,” a strangled voice whispered from somewhere behind me. Slow, tentative footsteps made their way across the wooden floor but I remained stuck in position, afraid of how I would react to seeing Craig’s face, afraid of how I would react to being near him. “I was hurting. I drank too much and let things go too far, but I love you. I’ll always love you. You are all I want. You are my everything, Amber.” The footsteps stopped and I sensed Craig standing nearby but still I refused to look up. “Baby, please look at me.” I shook my head. “Amber, please, I need you to look at me.”
“Please, Craig, just go,” I said quietly, the sound muffled further by the fabric of my clothing. “It’s over, we can’t go back. Please, just leave me alone to get my things.”
“No.” The sofa dipped as Craig sat on the edge just in front of me. “I’m not going anywhere. Not until you hear me out.” Warm fingers caressed my cheek, and then with a thumb and forefinger on my chin he tilted my head until I was face to face with him. “Not until you give me a proper chance to explain.”
I shook my head. “There is nothing to explain,” I whispered as I stared into the sad eyes of my husband. Eyes that were usually such a vibrant green but now were dull like murky swamp waters. Eyes that had drawn me to him before we even met, but now made me want to recoil and weep.
“There is everything to explain, Ambs. I’m falling apart here. I can’t do this without you. We need to sort this out.”
“I’m sorry, Craig. I can’t do this,” I cried and pulled away. Scrambling over the back of the sofa I ran from the room needing my distance.
Craig was immediately on my heels tugging me back against his chest. “Don’t run, baby. Please don’t run from me. I can’t stand this. I need you.”
“You didn’t need me when you had her,” I screamed, tugging and pulling free of his hold.
“I never had her, Amber. Please, baby, you have to believe me.”
“I saw you with her Craig. I saw you all over her.”
Craig shook his head. “No, what you saw was-”
We were going to go round in circles, always having the same conversation and getting nowhere. “Don’t insult my intelligence,” I yelled and prodded a finger into his chest. “What I saw was you all over Jenny with your fucking tongue down her throat. That’s what I saw. So don’t try and tell me that I have it all wrong because it won’t wash with me Craig.” It felt good to let it all out. I’d been bottling my feelings up for far too long, and I’d needed to vent. “So, you can take your pathetic excuse for an apology and leave me the hell alone. I’m done Craig.”
“We’re not done, Amber. You’re my wife for fucks sake.”
I laughed mirthlessly. It’s a shame he forgot he had a wife when he went running to that bitch. “Maybe on paper, but that’s all it is. I can’t and don’t trust you anymore and I won’t be able to get past that. Don’t you get that? So, live your happy little life here, maybe invite Jenny back into your bed, and I’ll go off and live mine far, far away.”
His eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
“I’m leaving.”
“What do you mean, you’re leaving?”
“I mean, I’m leaving. As in packing up and getting the hell out of Dodge. I can’t stay here with all these memories, Craig. It hurts too much. I need a fresh start.” I grabbed my bag from the hallway and started walking toward the door.
“Where will you go?” Craig trapped me at the door before I had a chance to open it. He pinned me in with his body pressed against mine and his arms stretched out on either side of me.
I closed my eyes and tried to ignore my body’s traitorous reaction to his closeness. “America,” I whispered.
Craig
“America? Over my dead body.” Amber spun around and glared at me.
“It doesn’t concern you any more, Craig.”
“Of course it concerns me, you’re my wife.” I would never accept anything else. She may have wanted and needed her time and space but I was becoming impatient to have her back. It was killing me. I needed to be able to make up for my actions and prove to her that the vows I made at our wedding meant everything to me.
Amber ducked under my arm and took a few steps away. “No, Craig. You don’t get it. You keep doing this, going round and round in circles. I can’t get over what you did to me. You crushed my heart and it will never repair. It’s over! I’m moving on to make a fresh start. I suggest you do the same.”
“Why America? I can give you all the space you need here. Give me the chance to show you how sorry I am and to make it up to you. I need time, Ambs.” I sounded desperate and I knew it.
“I’m sorry, Craig, but I can’t. I’m going. I just need to get my passport so I can apply for my visa and then I’ll be going as soon as that is approved.”
“So that’s it?” I bellowed causing her to flinch. “I make one fucking drunken mistake and you throw everything away. Just like that?” Amber nodded and looked down.
“This isn’t over, Amber. Not by a long shot. I know I fucked up. I know I fucked up bad but you’re my wife, and I plan to make sure you come back where you belong, in my arms.” I nodded in the direction of the study. “Go get your passport and whatever else you need but I warn you now, I will not ease off until you give me a chance. If that means following you to America then that’s what I’ll do. I will not stop until you give me
the chance to show you how sorry I am.”
I left Amber standing in the hallway and walked into the Living Room. I had one more song I needed her to hear. I scrolled through the playlist stopping on “Never Say Never”. I cranked the volume and walked back into the hall. As I passed the small table I noticed Amber’s necklace lying in a tangled mess at the foot of my grandmother’s statue. Picking it up, I shoved it deep into my pocket and stormed out. It was me who needed space then.
By the time I’d made it into my car the anger and frustration had eased off, replaced by weariness and fear of losing my beautiful Pingu, the woman who was supposed to be my happily ever after, my mate for life. Resting my head back against the headrest I contemplated what life would be like without Amber around. It wasn’t a nice thought.
I used the voice activated dialling in the car to call Scott while I pulled Amber’s necklace out of my pocket. “What’s up, Craig?” he answered, sounding hesitant. I knew Amber had been staying with Becki and Scott since she’d walked out on me and I also knew that Scott felt stuck in the middle. He was pissed off for what I did but his loyalty as an old friend was still forefront. He also felt the obligation to his girlfriend to support her best friend and his new house guest. I could understand his need to try and stay as far away from our drama as possible, after all he had enough of his own with a little one on the way.
“What do you know about Amber?” I asked.
“Blonde, about five seven, pretty, honest, far too good for a drunken douche who fucks things up.”
“Ouch!”
“Just telling you as it is man. What’s going on?”
My gaze drifted to the house. “I’m at home.”
“And?”
“Amber’s here.”
“Shit!” he mumbled. “I remember her saying something to Becki about popping over today. Something about you being in meetings all day so having the time to do what she needed to do.” My eyes widened in surprise. She’d gone so far as to check I wouldn’t be around?
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