by K. J. Dahlen
“I’m not ignoring you, Jared. I’m just dealing with everything. I’m absorbing it all, simply because there isn’t any fucking thing else that can be done.”
“Our father is coming today. He says he has something for you and it might bring you more closure.” Taking another sip of the coffee goodness before responding again, I wanted to laugh. More closure? As If I had been given closure to begin with.
“Technically he is YOUR father, Jared. Not mine. As far as family is concerned, I have no one. I know you’re my half-brother and by blood, he is my father. Those things don’t change what has happened, though.”
He snorted. His eyes looked wild. “You think I don’t know that, Bree. How do you think all of this makes us feel? I mean, seriously? We’re in the middle of a full out war and we find this out.”
“I know what we’re up against, Jared. You forget I have been—” In a moment’s time, he crossed the room and came to stand right in front of me.
“I didn’t forget what you looked like when I picked you and Zerro up on the side of the road. I didn’t forget I had lost so much, and I didn’t forget my mom had died. None of those things have changed—even though God continues to throw more shit my way.”
When the words ‘death’ and ‘mom’ fell from his lips, I looked up into a face I thought I knew. It was very apparent to me, though we all seemed to be doing okay on the outside, we were truthfully each fighting our own demons. There might have been a war raging between families, but there were bigger wars waging within each of us.
“I’m so—”
“Don’t even say it. We both know we’ve heard the words I’m sorry a million times. It doesn’t help heal the pain. I’m just telling you this because our father hasn’t had anything truthfully to live for in years. He didn’t even know where you were. He knew about you but had no idea where you were.” Jared sounded tortured, and my heart started to ache.
“I didn’t… I had…”
“We know you didn’t know. We never expected you to have a clue. I know you have been through so much, Bree. I know everything has been thrown at you at once, but I’m begging you to see things for more than they are.”
“I’ll talk to him, Jared. I never said I wouldn’t. It just breaks my heart how my mom isn’t here to answer my questions. It hurts me to know my life was a lie and there’s not a damn thing to fall back on.”
“Well, buck up, Princess, because it’s about to get ten times harder,” Jared said. There was no emotion in his voice, but I knew my words had made him feel better.
“Thanks, asshole,” I said before taking another sip from my cup. I was getting anxious. I wanted answers, but I was also afraid. I wanted to run. To hide.
“Anytime. How are things with you and Zerro?” Jared asked nonchalantly as if he didn’t know we were hooking up.
“We’re fine. I understand his need for revenge. There wasn’t anything I could do anyway. I need to be strong, and I’ll hold onto my strength until I can’t anymore.”
He smiled, rubbing a hand over his face. He still had stubble, and the bags under his eyes said he was stressing over something at night instead of sleeping.
“Yeah, you sounded fine, last night…” he teased. My cheeks reddened. I wasn’t a prude, but with Jared considered family, it was quite strange to know he heard us having sex.
“Ahh, don’t be shy about it. Not like Zerro ever was,” he joked. I turned my face away from him and out toward the rising sun. I wasn’t even sure where we were anymore. All I knew was we were forty miles from my father’s house. North, East, South, or West, I wasn’t sure.
“Ha. Good to know, I guess.” I tried to joke as well, easing all the tension from the room.
“I’m going to make breakfast. You hungry?” he asked.
“Fuck, yeah, I am,” Zerro chimed in his voice causing a cascade of goose bumps to form over my body.
Jared shook his head, causing dark locks to fall to his forehead. “I bet you are. I heard you last night…”
“Oh, really. I bet it wasn’t me you heard, but your little sis over there…” Zerro commented, throwing a wink in my direction. I couldn’t help the smile that popped onto my face. It felt strange being able to be happy after what I had been through.
“Ha. Don’t even bring that up.” Jared got up from the table and headed for the fridge. I just stood there ogling at Zerro, who was shirtless. His hair was in a fuck-me kind of way sideways, and his body didn’t look a bit damaged, even though he had taken numerous bullets. I was stunned he had lived at first, but something in me told me he couldn’t have died. I would’ve known.
Jared’s phone rang, and my attention automatically slipped from Zerro to him. He answered it within a second bringing the phone to his ear.
“Dad,” he said coolly. I pretended as if I wasn’t listening to the conversation, but Zerro caught me out of the corner of his eye.
“Eavesdropper…” he teased, grabbing an apple from the fruit dish in the center of the table. His mouth opened showing white teeth as he took a chomp out of the apple.
“Yeah, 102 Hickory Lane, right past the Piggly Wiggly, and left at the gas station,” Jared rambled. He must be giving him directions. Weird how I hadn’t noticed any of those things as we passed them.
“Don’t be nervous, Piccolo,” Zerro said calmly as if he was trying to calm my raging nerves.
“I’m not…” I lied, forcing my attention to something else. I was tired of talking about me.
“He is a nice man, I promise you,” Zerro said, taking another enormous bite of the apple. Only he could make eating an apple look sexy.
“You know him?” I asked. I wasn’t aware Zerro had met him. Hell, I wasn’t aware of a lot of things.
“Yes. Jared’s family and mine go way back. No worries, love, you’ll be fine.” He sent me one of those smiles that made my knees weak before he got up from the table and tossing the apple in the garbage all at once.
“I have to shower. I’ll be back.” And just like that, he was gone.
“Yup, see you soon,” Jared said hanging up the phone. See you soon? Gah. This meant I would come face to face with my real father soon.
The rest of the afternoon passed with ease. I set in the living room most of the time reading. I was bored, and basically, on house arrest. At least, until we got rid of Mack and the FBI.
I was told not to turn the news on, but I did anyway. It turned out I shouldn’t have. John, my so-called father’s face was plastered on the screen. The news channel was talking about his murder, and how the FBI was on the lookout for anyone with any answers to how his death came about. I had two words for them—Alzerro King. Though I’m sure they knew it already.
“He’s here,” Jared said from across the room as he paced the floor for the twentieth time. My stomach was in knots by the time I heard the doorbell ring, and I was about ready to vomit on the floor the second I heard his greeting. It sounded unlike anything I had ever heard.
“Son,” my dad said as he greeted Jared. His voice was a mixture of honey and gravel mixed together.
“Dad,” Jared said in a joking manner, wrapping his father in a tight hug. I stayed seated not sure if I should really get up or not. Not sure if my legs would really carry me or not.
They walked through the entryway, and his dark eyes slid across the room until they landed on me. He looked very similar to John in many ways, which made sense because they were brothers. His eyes were dark, his face worn, and his eyes held a look of sadness in them. They brightened slightly upon landing on me, but otherwise, he looked like a man who was born on hard times.
His body was lean and large. He had to be close to six-foot-two, if not taller.
“Bree?” he said. My name was completely unnatural to his tongue. His words shook as if he was in a state of shock. Smiling softly, I stood, taking small steps to where he was standing. As I grew closer to him, I took notice of the color of his eyes, and how they matched my own. His nose was the same
shape as mine, and like a small child, I had to stop myself from tracing the similarities on his face.
“That’s me,” I said almost shy like. I wasn’t ever shy, scared shitless maybe, but shy? No. That girl was long gone.
In a moment's time, I was wrapped in his arms as he reached out, pulling me into his arms. His body encompassed my small frame as the smell of smoke and cologne hit me.
“I can’t believe it, I’m so sorry.” He sounded on the verge of tears, which was strange because he didn’t seem as if he were a man who often cried.
“Let’s go sit and talk,” Jared suggested ushering us into the living room. James released me with hesitation as if he thought I would skip away into the fog. He stared at me for a long moment, simply smiling. His eyes looked glassy, and as soon as he blinked, it disappeared. I turned around on my heels and headed for the same seat I had before.
“I can’t even believe this… I’m so flabbergasted,” James said shocked as if he couldn’t really believe I was here.
“Don’t worry, you weren’t the only one shocked as all hell,” I added, looking over at him as he took the seat next to me. The leather against my skin was the only thing keeping me in place. I was honestly scared to find out about the past.
Smiling, he cocked his head. “You look just like your mother—God, Samantha was beautiful.” I could hear the reminiscence in his voice.
“Thanks,” I said, unsure of what else there was to say. I was slightly angry he wasn’t there for her upon her death and hadn’t come for me.
“I’m so sorry about missing all these years. Your mother never told me about you. She just kind of disappeared, and then suddenly, she was sick, and…” He stopped midsentence seeing the sadness seep onto my face.
“It’s still kind of hard to talk about her.”
“Of course, of course,” he said running a hand through his dark brown hair. He shared the same hair color as Jared and me, which made me think back to what Jared had said about losing his own mother. Our father had lost two loves in his life. His heartache ran deep.
“Well, Dad, I’m glad you made it here in one piece. I wasn’t sure your beat up truck was going to make it through a two-hour trip,” Jared joked to break the silence. We all let out a laugh as I listened to the two of them make digs at each other about the mysterious truck Jared said made it through The Cold War, World War One and Two, and Vietnam. Basically, it was old.
“Zerro,” James greeted Zerro, seeing him before I did as he walked into the living room. He was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a white V-neck T. He looked fuckable. It had to be my emotions or something because I was contemplating taking him in the back room to blow off some of my nerves.
“James,” Zerro greeted back in typical male fashion. Men were weird. How was stating their first name to someone considered a greeting?
“I hope you’re treating my daughter well.” Darkness descended on us, and my insides screamed for me to say something. After all, it was the first time he had ever laid claim to me.
“As good as a Queen should be treated.” I didn’t have to look at Zerro to know there was a dark look on his face. He didn’t like people assuming he treated me like dirt. He didn’t like anyone thinking shit about him.
“Good. I came here to talk to Bree and it’s what I would like to do right now if it’s okay with all of you,” James said commanding all the attention. It was strange how the energy in the room changed. It didn’t feel as if it was filled with testosterone, but more so with respect.
Jared and Zerro nodded their heads at the same time. “Yeah, I was just going to get Jared to watch a movie,” Zerro said, his eyes zeroing in on Jared. There was a look exchanged between the two that had me wondering—were they actually watching a movie or doing recon to figure out what Mack was up to?
Even though I wanted to say something, I didn’t. Instead, I let them walk away leaving me with a man who I was supposed to call my father.
“Here,” James said, reaching into the front pocket of his jacket. He pulled out a white piece of paper folded many times. He extended his hand to give it to me, but I paused for a moment. What was he giving me?
“What is it?”
“A letter from your mother. She gave it to me on the rare occasion I ever saw you after her death. She told me you were okay and I wasn’t to go out looking for you. She said if you wanted to know about me, you would come to me.”
He may have been able to hide it from others, but the hurt in his voice told me my mother’s words had hurt him to the core.
“Have you read it?” I asked, taking the note from him. I didn’t know if I wanted to open it here and read it.
“No, I haven’t. It’s addressed to you, and I wasn’t going to overstep my boundaries.” At least he was honest. The paper was a nice kind, the kind you would write official letters on and shit.
I unfolded it like a present on Christmas morning. I wanted—no, needed to read this note. If anything, I knew it held some type of answer.
* * *
Dearest Bree,
* * *
It saddens me deeply you won’t see this letter until well after I am gone. As I lay here beside you watching you sleep, I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks. My heart is breaking for the pain I know I will cause when you finally discover my biggest kept secret. I truly hope this letter finds you in good times. Please know I never meant to hurt you in any way. I kept this secret in order to protect you.
I grew up loving two people, but the love I had for each was quite different. Falling for John was easy. He was alluring and charming, but it wasn’t the kind of love I felt for James... his brother. James made me fall without even realizing it. So, if I wanted to stop it, I never had the chance. He was simply mesmerizing. Looking back now, I know I should have chosen James from the very beginning, but the love I had for John felt as if it was good enough.
John was my safe place when I needed to hide, so I stayed with him and we started our life together. Those were our best years. Those were the years when I still knew him. He always had dreams to become a police officer, and when he finally graduated from the academy, he became a different person. Little by little, it was like something changed inside of him. He became more and more wrapped around his cases. His choices changed, and his beliefs became more about his career. He stopped giving me the love and respect I deserved. I was put on the back burner, and my complaints went unnoticed. If they were noticed, it was with a fist. The bruises eventually faded, slowly taking the love I had for him with them.
This ultimately pushed me into James's arms. He was always there, witnessing the changes in his brother, as well. I felt as if I had lost my husband. In all honesty, at this point, he was already dead to me. When James lost his wife, I was there for him, and through this, we reconnected. What started as two friends being there for each other turned into something more. We became one. The magnetic pull we always had for each other came back even stronger. We knew it wasn't right, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and our hearts wanted each other.
I found myself falling completely out of love for John, and when he discovered the affair, my life shattered. He knew James had a connection to a particular case he was assigned, so he threatened him and accused him of rash things. He told me I couldn't leave him, and if I tried, he would kill me. He had so much rage in his eyes when he spoke those words to me; I knew he meant every single one of them. I became a shell of myself not living, only existing.
Then I found out about you, Bree, and you changed everything in my life. You gave me a reason to do more than simply exist. John loved you, you were his Princess, but... he wasn't your father. He knew this from the moment I told him about you, yet he always treated you as his own. I never understood why, but I guess, in a way, you were part of him just the same. My only regret is I never had the chance to let James know before John took me away.
I hope you can see the resemblance between the two of you. I always did. Countless
times, I would get lost in your eyes because they reminded me of him, of the love we shared. I loved him, I always will, and somehow, I know I always did. I am still just as much in love with him now as I was then.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, I looked for him. I needed to tell him. This wasn’t something I could die knowing. I know you’re hurting beyond repair, but please know it was never my intention. You’re strong, and I know eventually, you will see this through. Know you were made out of love and it wasn’t his fault I hid you from him. Whatever you do, don't hate him. He doesn't deserve it.
I am sorry for keeping this from you, for being the person who hurt you the most. One day, I hope you will be able to forgive me. I love you in mind, body and spirit. Nothing could ever separate me from you. I'll always be in your heart.
* * *
P.S. I hope you live, never simply exist...but LIVE.
* * *
With love,
Mom
* * *
My tears stained the white paper smearing the words slightly as I folded it up. She never meant to hurt us, but she did. Now she wasn’t here to fix the problems she had caused. I was a casualty of a war started years before my time. I would be the one to end this war.
“I’m so sorry, Bree.” James, my father’s voice, sounded from somewhere. It could’ve been right in front of me—hell if I know. My heart was breaking. I felt like I was a million miles away.
It was as if I knew the fate, I knew what the letter would contain, but I didn’t want to believe. Even after reading it, I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t because believing it made it real and making it real made everything before this time a lie.
“Jared. Zerro.” I heard James yell but felt nothing. My body was numb, and my mind lacked words. There were no words for this.
I watched as Zerro rushed in, his hands and mouth moving a hundred miles an hour. None of it mattered, though. Deep inside of me, something was happening, something similar to an earthquake. I was cracking—breaking.