“I’ve been here about fifteen minutes. It’s close to where I work.”
Silence. God, he was so uninterested in me.
I got up from the table. “I’m just going to go order something. I’ll be right back.”
Anthony nodded and I debated again about just walking out the door. I remembered Carol’s words about using these first few dates as practice—though not too many that way, because I shouldn’t waste my time on non-potentials—but in the beginning, even the bad dates would be good practice. This was one that would be chalked up to practice. I had to laugh as I waited in line for my latte and cinnamon roll. I was due a treat and I was starving.
Anthony was watching me eat my cinnamon roll with a funny look on his face. So far, I’d gotten a few facts from him about where he was from and where he worked, and he’d asked me zero questions about myself. I was really a bit over the whole thing and ready to at least enjoy my treat.
“You do realize how many calories that has, don’t you?”
I carefully wiped some frosting off my lip as I considered how to respond to his question.
“I do. Yes. It’s a rare treat for me and I’m also going to the gym when I leave here—for a daily training appointment.”
Anthony laughed lightly.
“What?” I was actually starting to kind of hate him now.
“Well, it certainly doesn’t look like it’s a ‘rare treat’ for you.”
Oh my God. He did not just use air quotes talking to me! I was angry but I also felt my face going hot, a sign that I might possibly burst into tears at any moment.
Hold it together, Zara.
“Excuse me. Do you have any idea how rude you’re being? How rude you’ve been the entire time that I’ve been sitting here? Look, if you’re so obviously appalled by me, why did you agree to go out with me?”
I was upset and there was no turning back from this. A good learning experience indeed.
“Well I like curvy women. That’s how you described yourself in your bio at the site. And your face is pretty enough. But you are definitely more than curvy. If I’d wanted to date a fatty, I would have checked something else off for my body type preference.”
I felt it. The stinging of the tears just behind my eyelids, and I didn’t—I wouldn’t want this poor excuse for a man to see them fall. I stood up quickly, knocking into the table and spilling my coffee in his direction. I was thankful for the distraction as he stood up to keep it from spilling onto his pants. I walked quickly towards the door without turning around, without looking at anyone.
Head down. Just make it to the car.
My car and I had been having a lot of unfortunate emotional moments together lately. And this one was going to be epic.
Chapter 18
I didn’t even realize where I was headed until I was staring at the drive-thru menu. I hadn’t been here in months, yet I knew exactly what I wanted and it included the words extra-large and double—double meat, double cheese, salty fries, and an extra-large milkshake. I tried to stifle my sobs long enough to place my order, but by the strange and somewhat sympathetic look the young girl gave me as she handed me my food, I didn’t think I’d completely succeeded.
I drove away and burst into ugly tears again. I couldn’t remember ever being this upset—of feeling so humiliated and bad. I knew that Anthony was a poor excuse for a man—he certainly wasn’t a gentleman or anyone I’d be remotely attracted to after the way he’d treated me, but it didn’t stop his words—his disdain for me—from cutting deep.
I looked down at my phone that had dinged with a message.
Can’t wait to see you at 6:30 - and hear all about your date!
Seeing that it was from Braden caused me more tears. I knew that I couldn’t see him at the gym today. I looked over at the bag of fast food that I was going to devour the moment I walked into my apartment. There was no way I’d be making it to my training session.
I sent a quick message back while waiting for the light to change.
So sorry to do this to you, but I need to cancel. Will explain later.
Date still going??!!!
I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not yet.
No. Opposite. Very bad date. Going home. :(
Sorry to hear that, Z. Do you want company? I promise not to pry for details.
God, Braden really was my best friend—always there for me. But I didn’t want him to see me like this. So un-warrior-princess-like. The thought actually made me smile through my still falling tears.
Thx. You’re so sweet. I think I need to be alone. Will txt you later.
Okay. Here if you need me. Z, no matter what that guy thought, you are amazing. KNOW that.
I cried even more at his words. I did not, in fact, know that at all right now. I did not feel amazing. I felt ugly and fat and horribly unattractive. I was a wannabe warrior princess—a fraud—and all I wanted was to get home to dig into my double cheeseburger and fries.
I’d calmed down just a bit as I placed all of the food on the biggest plate I could find. I’d had a few of the fries and couldn’t wait to dig in. I’d feel better once I was eating—once I could get that full feeling.
The thought took me momentarily out of my distress. I had the sense enough about me to recall the many conversations that I’d had with Judy over the past months about this very thing. I took a deep breath and dried my tears with the back of my hand, eyeing the food in front of me now as if it were the enemy.
I made myself stand up from the sofa to walk away from the food. I was about to “stuff my feelings”—it was honestly hard to continue once I’d truly acknowledged exactly what it was that I was doing. It was an old habit that I’d known all too well at one time—one I’d vowed never to go back to. I no longer needed it because I had other ways of dealing with my feelings now. Oh, I could have a burger, fries, and shake any old time I chose to—it wasn’t about the food so much as the motivation in eating it. And tonight my only motivation had been not wanting to feel the pain that the bad feelings about myself was causing.
I walked over to the full-length mirror in my bedroom. I still had my work clothes on and I turned to the side, admiring the curve of my hips. Anthony was wrong. I mean, maybe I wasn’t the type of body that he was attracted to, but I wasn’t as hideous as he’d made me out to be. Could I let the date go? I wiped away another tear because I felt like I was in the midst of one of those huge revelation moments.
I could smell the food from my bedroom and I was hungry all of a sudden, but I knew that somehow the choice I was making tonight was a big one. It was about how far I’d come and who I truly believed myself to be. Was I Zara, warrior princess? Or was I willing to let some horribly rude man set me back?
I walked over to the fast food, picked it up, and carried it to the kitchen. In one fast motion, I stuck all the food down the garbage disposal and turned it on, pouring the milkshake in as the drain swirled.
I stood in the kitchen for a moment, not sure of how to feel. I was tired—emotionally drained. I knew there were more tears to let out and there was a real dinner to think about making. The sound of the doorbell interrupted my thoughts.
I dried my tears as I walked over to peer out the peephole.
I opened the door, allowing myself to fall into the hug that Braden was offering me—allowing the tears to come again as he held me close.
Chapter 19
I sat on the couch with Braden as he held my hand and listened to me tell him about the date. He was now a saint in my book because he got everything—ugly tears, snot, and all. I blew my nose loudly with the tissue he was handing me thinking that this had to be a record for someone—let alone a hot guy—seeing me at my worst.
I looked at him through my tears, sure that my eyes were beyond puffy.
Braden reached for a tissue and gently wiped under my eyes, which I’m guessing was an attempt at clearing my face of black mascara streaks. “God, Zara. That’s awful. I’m so sorry that that loser pu
t you through that.”
I took a deep breath in, willing myself not to start up again with the tears. “Yeah, well, in the history of bad dates, I’m pretty sure I should get some kind of prize for that one.”
I laughed, and even as I did I recognized how quickly I tried to turn to humor when I was feeling bad—particularly if I was around another person. Often it had been easier to make fun of myself than to really face how I was feeling.
But Braden was looking at me intensely and I had the feeling he could see right through my laughter.
“I’m sure that had to really hurt.”
I nodded and felt the sting of new tears.
Braden lifted my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“Zara, you know that guy was just being a jerk, right?”
I nodded, but inside I wasn’t so sure what I was agreeing to. My emotions were all a bit scattered, and now the fact that Braden was sitting so close to me on my couch and touching my face was causing me to feel something else entirely. I tried to brush those thoughts away just as quickly as they’d appeared.
“You’re fine. Just the way you are.” He was still looking at me. “You believe that, don’t you?”
“I’m tying to. I mean, I will. I know I’ll get past it, but it does hurt right now.”
“Of course it does. No one should be talked to the way that he spoke to you. Honestly, what a poor excuse for a man. He doesn’t deserve you anyway. That’s for sure.”
I smiled at him, suddenly so thankful to have him there with me. “Thanks for coming over. You really surprised me.”
“Well, I just had a feeling—that you could use a friend.”
“Do you have to go back to the gym?”
“Nope, I was hoping that you’d let me take you out to dinner.” He grinned and my heart beat a little faster.
He’s just feeling sorry for you, Zara. Gah! Stop with the negative thoughts.
This was my best friend I was thinking about. I knew better than to think he was only feeling sorry for me. I just needed to keep any other thoughts far away.
“That is a date.”
Oops. I mean, not a date, of course.
“Let me just go change into my jeans. I’m dying to get out of these stupid work clothes.
Braden nodded. “Go ahead. Take your time.”
I changed quickly and washed my face of the streaks of mascara still evident under my eyes. I debated about freshening up with new make-up—it wasn’t every day that Braden and I shared a dinner meal together and I probably should try to make myself somewhat presentable—but I didn’t want to keep him waiting in my living room. Besides, he didn’t care what I looked like—and that felt very good to me at the moment.
As I made my way back to the living room sofa, Braden looked up from his phone, where it looked like he was engaged in a text conversation with someone.
“Is everything okay? You didn’t have other plans, did you?”
He finished with his phone, setting it down on the table.
“No. Nothing important.”
“What did you cancel?”
“Oh, just a thing.”
“A thing? As in a date?”
“Yeah, but it’s okay. I’ve rescheduled.” He stood up and put his arm around my shoulders. “Tonight, I’m all yours.”
I wasn’t sure how I was feeling about Braden canceling a date to come to my rescue. It was endearing, but now I felt a little pressure. I probably wasn’t going to be the best company, and I knew how important Braden’s dating life had become for him—at least I thought I knew that.
“Okay, but you know you don’t have to do that. I mean, I love it that you came here, but I really will be okay. I promise.” I smiled as widely as I could.
He looked back at me with a look that I couldn’t really read. “I know you will be.”
“But?”
“But nothing. I want to take you out to dinner. So let’s go. My choice.”
I laughed. “Okay, deal. But only because you’re wearing jeans too, so I know you’re not going to choose anything too fancy for the mood I’m in.”
“Don’t be so sure about that.”
I looked at him.
“I’ve been known to buck the system at times, you know.”
We both laughed.
“You’re such a rebel.”
He smiled, giving me his elbow so that I could link my arm in his as we headed out the door. “As are you, my dear—something I greatly admire in you, by the way.”
I wasn’t sure why exactly but I felt my face grow warm. It was the way Braden was looking at me, but I tried to brush the thought aside.
Chapter 20
I settled back against the seat in the cozy booth in the diner that Braden had taken me to. It had a sixties theme to it and everything about it felt light and fun. I took a big sip of the chocolate milkshake Braden had ordered for us to share.
I hadn’t told him about my near pig-out or that I’d dumped an entire shake down my sink just before he’d arrived at my apartment. I didn’t think that he would judge me for it, but I wanted our conversation to be light at dinner. Even saintly Braden could get tired of playing therapist to me, I supposed. And I never wanted him to tire of our friendship. He’d become too important to me.
“So tell me some good news,” I said.
“About?”
“About you?” I smiled at him, already feeling so much better than I had an hour ago.
“Well, you know.”
“No. I don’t know.” I winked at him. “Really, I’m sorry for monopolizing so much of our conversation all the time.”
“You don’t ever need to apologize for that. It’s not true anyway.” He gently kicked my foot under the table.
“Hey, are you playing footsie with me now?”
“Maybe.”
Braden was staring at me and our flirtation suddenly felt different somehow.
He’s just trying to make me feel better.
“You know, I’ve been thinking…”
“Yes. I think you’re quite smart, you know.” He winked at me.
“Well, I am, but that’s beside the point.” I smiled back. “About something you said to me the other day.”
“About practicing your squats in the mirror?”
I laughed at the expression on his face. He always looked so mischievous and cute when he was teasing me. “No, but I did actually forget to do that assignment, so thanks for reminding me.”
“So what other bit of wisdom that I’d imparted to you had you thinking?”
“When you were talking to me about being a coach…”
He was nodding his head.
“What exactly did you mean by that? I’ve been thinking about it ever since and especially after I met with my dating coach. Can you imagine—getting paid to help someone with their love life? That sounds pretty cool if you ask me.”
“Exactly. It’s how I feel about personal training. I’ve never been happier since going into business for myself. The fact that I get to see people—to help them—making such positive changes in their lives—it’s really very rewarding.”
He looked at me across the plates of food that the waitress was placing on the table and I could see the passion on his face. It was one of the things that I greatly admired about Braden—that he so obviously loved what he did for a living. I did love a lot of things about my life, but unfortunately, my job had not made that list for a very long time. Maybe it was time to do something about that.
I sliced into the chicken breast that I’d ordered, allowing myself to feel the victory over the dinner choice that I’d ended up making, despite my attempt at the double burger and fries earlier. It always felt good to make healthy choices for myself. Most of the time I did a good job remembering this.
“Sorry, what was that?”
I’d totally spaced for a few seconds, and Braden was laughing at me now.
“Are you so mesmerized by that delicious-looki
ng chicken breast?”
“Yeah, I guess I’m pretty hungry all of a sudden. So what were you saying?” I laughed, taking another mouthful of my food.
“I was saying that I belong to this group that gets together once a month. Most of us are personal trainers, but there are a few others who aren’t. It’s meant for anyone running their own business, and we share ideas about marketing and different things to help grow our businesses. I’m not exactly sure what everyone does but I know there are few that do some type of coaching. Maybe it would give you some ideas.”
I nodded my head, feeling very excited about the direction that this idea was headed. I did want my own business. I could feel it as Braden was talking about it. I wanted that freedom—to work for myself on my own terms, but maybe more importantly, I’d been thinking a lot lately that I wanted to be doing something that I felt was really helping people.
“That actually sounds pretty great. I’d love to go with you. When is the next meeting?”
“They’re doing a Saturday morning brunch this week—at ten o’clock. Want me to pick you up?”
“Sure.”
We spent the next few minutes eating our dinner, the silence comfortable between us. I couldn’t believe how much better I’d felt since Braden had shown up at my place. I was thankful that he hadn’t listened to me when I’d said that I wanted to be alone. That probably would have led to a sad solo night, and I doubted that I would have been able to pull myself together on my own—at least not to the extent that Braden had managed to do, getting me to feel so much better.
“Oh, before I forget. I have to cancel my training tomorrow.”
I didn’t typically cancel with Braden, let alone leave him with such short notice. I cringed thinking of it, especially after how he’d been there for me tonight.
“Oh?”
He didn’t look angry, just confused.
“Yeah, sorry. I meant to tell you yesterday but then I got all caught up thinking about the stupid date with Anthony. I forgot about it.”
Becoming Zara Page 6