“I don’t give two shakes of a rat’s butt what he’s feeling. My child is missing; I don’t care nothing about his feelings right now.” Perri sobbed, feeling the little composure she had snap. “I’m sick of everyone always taking his side against me. He just joined the family. I’ve always been here playing my role in this family. When Barrington walked out on me I felt like crawling in a hole somewhere and just dying, but I didn’t skip town never to be heard from again; I stayed right here and I have stuck by this family through thick and thin. And now when my thin needs to grow thick skin all of you wanna take up lobbying for Barrington’s cause. And it hurts to know that my blood family would take his side over mine.”
“Baby, I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say no one in here is taking sides. It's not a contest, and it’s not about you by yourself, Perri,” Mattie tried to explain.
“Madear, my baby’s gone! I don’t know where she is! His feelings won’t bring her home to me. I can’t bring her home to us. I don’t know where she is.” Perri slid to the floor rocking back and forth. “Oh God, oh God . . . I can smell her scent . . . I can still feel her nursing at my breast, where she's supposed to be able to rest. I want my baby and I don’t know where she is . . . .” Struggling for air, into a puddle of tears, she dissolved and each sniff hurt the hollow of her throat. Perri felt the pain and loss of her daughter in her soul.
Everyone in the room reacted simultaneously.
“Sugarplum . . .” Mattie went toward her.
“Perri . . .” Tyler went toward her.
“Oh, honey . . .” Hunter went toward her.
However, it was Barrington who reached her first, gathering her helpless and limp body in his arms and bringing her to his chest where she clung to him for dear life and cried uncontrollably as she tried to empty her soul of all the raw pain. Not one person in that room had ever heard a cry like that, as if it were being ripped from another human being’s body, heart, mind, soul and spirit.
Barrington knew he'd die for this woman in his arms; he prayed she knew it, too. “Baby, I’m sorry. I promise you we’re gonna find our baby, Perri . . . .” Barrington’s voice broke and he gave way to his flood of tears as he and Perri cried together, feeling the same hurt, sharing the same loss, going through the same pain.
***
For days, Perri just laid there in the bed, staring at the wall. One day, she finally picked up her Bible and opened it at random. Reading the story of Bathsheba and David and the baby they lost, she saw herself in that plot, and without hesitation, silently wept for every bit of pain and heartache she was feeling and had been feeling since she learned of Imani's kidnapping.
“Father God,” she prayed or maybe it was more like she questioned, she was not sure which. “How did it get to this? Is it something I did . . . didn't do? What, Lord? Because I just don't understand the reasons behind this dilemma, or what exactly it means other than my baby's gone, seemingly without a trace—at least not one that can be traced.” She inhaled a deep breath and exhaled just as deeply.
“Lord God, if it had to be, if it had to come down to a choice, why couldn't it be Barrington missing?” Perri was immediately sorry she'd thought such a thing, even before she felt the chastisement of the Lord. Her eyes widened when she looked up seeing Barrington standing in the doorway of their bedroom. She knew he'd heard her, the look in his beautiful eyes, she couldn't describe—no words had yet been invented.
Barrington staggered like a drunk until his back was against the wall simply for support. Had he just heard his wife right? Did she just tell God, the Heavenly Father that she wished it'd been him missing instead of Imani? Surely he'd heard wrong. Even as this last question dashed across his mind, Barrington knew he'd indeed heard his wife correctly, and it took something out of him that he knew he needed to survive.
Yet here Perri was ripping his soul out and burying it beneath the rubble of his broken heart. Didn't she know she was his life? Why didn't she know he'd have given up his own life in a red-hot second to save the lives of both his wife and child? She was his wife, and Perri was supposed to know how far he'd go to protect his family. But she apparently did not know. Why? Why didn't she know he'd more than go the distance with and for her, for them?
Ashamed, Perri couldn't say anything, nor could she lower her gaze. It was like God was giving her no choice but to watch the hurt and pain she was causing the man He'd graciously bestowed upon her. Perri probably hurt more now than when she'd found out about her daughter's disappearance.
Unable to stomach looking at his wife now, Barrington turned and left the house altogether.
***
“So, where you headed?” Kane asked his cousin point blank.
“Don't know. I'm thinking I'll just get in the Escalade, pick a direction and drive 'till I end up someplace where I don't feel no more pain,” Barrington said, though he wouldn't tell even if he did know of such a place. Not because he didn't trust his cousin; he did. But he knew Kane well enough to know he'd make it his mission to let Perri know his whereabouts and Barrington wasn't ready to deal with anymore heartache from his wife right now.
Still, knowing how Kane felt about family, he just offered, “I need to get as far from this place as I can, man.”
“No, man,” Kane disagreed. “What you need to do is get back home and take care of your wife, because she still is, you know.”
“Kane,” Barrington shook his head, traces of sadness appearing in his eyes, “my wife doesn't want me around right now. I need to respect that, at least for the moment.”
“Your wife is hurting, so really, she can't judge soundly right now. You're her covering, B, so protect her from herself.” He shrugged. “Take it for what it's worth, man. But know and understand this: If you don't take care of home, cousin, someone else will.”
“The hell you say!” Barrington scooped up his keys. Just the thought of another man trying to move in on his wife set his teeth on edge. “I'm out, Kane.”
Crush, who'd been standing in the doorway, laughed out loud when his brother was gone. “I gotta hand it to you, man. You know how to get next to Barrington's soft spot.” He laughed again. “Now how you think God feel about you playing the master puppeteer and pulling my brother's strings?”
Kane grinned. “I'm not trying play God, if that's what you insinuating; all I did was bring to B's attention what he already knew in his heart to be true.”
Crush shrugged, knowing his cousin would never admit he overstepped his boundaries, “If you say so.” He laughed again.
Kane sighed tiredly. “Let's just hope and pray it worked, Crush.”
***
Sometime later, Barrington had returned from wherever it was he'd gone to get away from his wife and the constant hostility, not to mention tense silence that lingered between them. It used to be she only resented him. Now, he wasn't so sure he liked her much right now either. He decided to sleep on the couch tonight, maybe Imani's room. No. Rebuking that last thought, he decided the couch was best . . . just in case Perri wandered into their daughter's room. Not that Barrington minded, but judging from Perri's earlier prayer or statement or whatever it is you wanna call it, the last thing he wanted was to make either one of them uncomfortable. After making his decision, he immediately executed it, grabbing his pillow and his Bible—he knew he was going to have to do some heavy repenting followed by reading to drift off to sleep on this here particular night. As Barrington lifted his Bible from the night stand, something strange happened causing him to feel even stranger, at the same time, commanding him to be still and take notice.
Barrington was taken way back to when he was a teenager, fishing on the pier with his grandpa. Actually, it was a conversation that took place between the two buddies, as they'd called themselves.
“Barrington, son, women are some very finicky creatures. Sometimes you'll be dammed if you do and she'll cuss you if you don't. But inevitably, there almost always comes a time when the two of you are going thro
ugh something that's emotional, mental, and spiritual, that separates the two of you physically—and you can even be in the same house when something happens to divide you and your spouse. Now it's always the devil at work, of course, behind the scenes, pulling the strings. But you don't have to continue being his puppet when you recognize his cunning, crafty work.
“Sometimes things between you and your woman will be so bad that any more words will hurt, since you don't really know what to say, and any more actions will diminish a good thing, since you don't have a clue what to do.” Barrington recalled listening intently at this point, wanting to ask questions, but too afraid it would distract his grandpa, causing him to leave out something very important. So instead, Barrington just listened.
“After you've done all you can to fix things between you and your woman,” his grandpa continued, “you just have to take a firm and faith-filled stand. They'll be nothing left to say and nothing left to do, but somehow it'll be dropped in your spirit to do one more thing completely out of the ordinary for you most times.
“But at that point, you just know that you know that sometimes a man just has to hold his woman. Period. It's just that simple and yet it so very profound that most men don't get it until it's entirely too late to remedy the situation. But holding your woman is the security key to make her feel safe enough to open herself up to you completely, pouring out her heart and emptying her soul in your hands. It'll take holding her for no other reason than just because you know there's nothing else left to do. Words will be too much and silence will be too loud. The pain will be so great you both feel the other's hurt inside as if it were your own, which by the way, it will be.
“Only through holding her will you both get your needed release because it starts the healing process that leads to breakthrough for both of you. Yes sir, Barrington, at a crucial moment in time such as that, son, you just take up the responsibility of holding your woman. And through that one action alone, you will be communicating with your wife on a level that only she'll understand. Don't be in a hurry, take your time, and purposely wrap your woman up in the cocoon of your arms. Allow the embrace to say all you can't say because you don't know how to form the words, and do all the things you'd like to, but don't have a clue exist. Holding your woman without cause and without charge will be the security blanket that causes her to give herself to you—naked and not ashamed, for only the two of you and God Almighty to see.”
Finding himself standing in their bedroom, abruptly, Barrington stopped all movement, and looked down at his wife teetering on the edge of their bed. He climbed into the bed, gently pulled Perri to him and held her close to his chest, allowing her to feel how strong and steady his heart beat for her.
Though she meant to fight it, Perri's composure broke instantly causing her to come undone at the seams, letting out a cry filled with anguish. She cried until there were no more tears left and Barrington just held her patiently in the silence filling the space of their bedroom.
Finally able to face her husband, Perri turned to look at him. Brushing the tears from his eyes with the back of her hand, she tenderly kissed each of his eyelids closed. Her liver quivered, her body shivered and Perri found herself kissing him fast, hard, insistent, and powerfully. Igniting or rather, renewing a fire within him, they began a savage quest of mating, with Perri being the aggressor.
At that moment Perri couldn't think; didn't want to. She couldn't feel, but she wanted to. Perri needed her husband like never before, but she didn't know how to ask him for him. She prayed she could show him, that he'd understand she was glad he was her man. She needed to make him know she didn't mean what she said before; she didn't want to be without him, didn't want him to leave her. Perri wanted him to know she needed to be here with him all alone. She had to be with him, have him make her feel like a real woman again. That could only happen with her husband; she wanted, needed, and wouldn't be able to rest well without Barrington lying right there next to her, holding her together at the invisible seams.
Suddenly, Perri knew what she had to do. She made love to her man like a savage slave from a runaway land. It was like her body freed itself from herself and all she could do was watch herself as she did her thing, making sure her husband got him, but also for the first time, seeing to it that she got her—not with Barrington's help like always, but on her own accord. Loving her husband heart, soul, and body, that night, Perri mated with him like a savage beast in heat. It was raw; it was intense, and it was rough.
Her hands were all over him, gripping his chest, her fingernails scraping his chest, grazing his nipples and flicking them with her nails while she squeezed his Pecs. Hearing him moan from pleasure spawned her on the more. Her mouth found his, she devoured it.
“Perri . . . Perri, no, baby, wait . . .”
She swallowed his words, breathing in his breath. Anchoring her hold on him, she did things to his mouth, neck, and throat that pulled, demanded, insisted on a groan from him.
Barrington's heart began to beat so hard he thought it would push out of his chest. He'd never seen this side of Perri before, didn't know it even existed. Sure, they'd had intense lovemaking sessions between them before, but this . . . this was different. He knew this time it was his wife who sought to brand him, claim him, leave her mark on him, push him to the point of no return unless he took her with him. Barrington struggled to be gentle, but Perri was busy making sure he got his release, only he didn't want to go before her. However, no matter what he did in an effort to help her slow her roll, it was met with resistance and pure urgency on Perri's part.
Before Barrington had time to recover from one of her quests, she was climbing on him again, like she couldn't get close enough to him. He could hardly contain himself when he felt her legs wrap around him, drawing him closer to her warm, wet, tight core, inviting him to discover every hidden secret and uncover every buried treasure still left dormant within her. He was trying to slow her down so they could take their time, but he couldn't, she wasn't having it.
For the first time in his life, Barrington knew what it was to be hunted by a woman who only had eyes and desire for him. So instead of trying to join the struggle in an attempt to take over, he signed on as her co-captain, letting her take charge and call the shots as to where they'd go. He had never experienced anything like this in his life and he wasn't going to assume he ever would again. Deciding to treat this moment like it was the last time he’d ever experience it, Barrington gave himself completely over to Perri and allowed his wife to have her way with him. Whatever she wanted, he would willingly give.
Perri covered Barrington's mouth with hungry kisses, nipped at every visible place of skin, his throat . . . his jaw . . . his chin . . . his neck . . . his ears.
“Barry . . .” She straddled him, flicked his Pecs, teased his nipples, leaned over and tongued them.
“Perri . . .”
With her mouth and the aid of her tongue she branded Barrington's chest, then she massaged him to no avail. Only when he begged for mercy did she stop and move on with her urgent quest of his body, though she knew he was close to falling over the edge right now.
“No, Perri,” he pulled out, “not until I make sure you get you, baby.” Barrington flipped the script on her changing it up, shifting their positions. Placing her legs on either side of him, he cupped her bottom and gently entered her, slowing down the pace that had quickly accelerated out of control. But he was careful to make sure he still allowed Perri to control the tempo and he just followed her rhythm. He thought the bottom would fall out of his stomach when she suddenly picked up the pace again, but he went with it, matching her stroke for stroke, thrust for thrust, pant for pant, his pleasure at her climax, victory for victory and, they both partook of and shared together in their physical intimacy which led to emotional, mental, and spiritual healing for each of them.
Perri was exhilarated inside and tears of joy sprang from her eyes.
Feeling wetness on his bare chest, Barringt
on said, “Perri, what is it, baby?”
Perri slowly raised her head, met and held his concerned gaze.
His heart constricted in his chest. “You're crying. Baby, what's wrong?” He was afraid he'd hurt her again, done more damage than good. Could his grandfather have been wrong?
Looking in his beautiful yellow-green eyes, knowing there was no way she could ever put into words what she was now feeling, more tears spilled from her eyes. How could she tell this man the love he gave her was so good that with each thrust he breathed life back into her and it seeped through her veins, lodged in her chest, and healed her heart? And, now, he held her heart in his hands . . . healed, whole and free.
The fact of the matter was Perri couldn't. There were no words adequate enough to tell him how she felt. She could show him better than she could tell him and she only knew of one way to show him. She whispered in his ear, “I want you. I need to make love to you, baby . . . .”
Afterward, they lay spent yet content in each other's arms, falling asleep to the beat of the other's heart. They were all that mattered and both of them knew, even without hearing the words, the other was loved unconditionally.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Perri had another nightmare and woke up screaming and crying as she frantically called out Imani's name. Barrington jumped up, startled, and woke his wife up, and as always since she'd been having the same reoccurring hellish nightmare, she fought him tooth and nail until she came fully awake, realizing she was home with him and safe. Pulling Perri into his lap, Barrington held her until she calmed down.
If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) Page 29