Colors of the Shadow

by Nava Dijkstra

  “Good idea. I can’t stand the smell of cigarette smoke.”

  He held her hand and led her towards the exit in a manner that made Sherry feel that he declared ownership over her. They sat some distance away from the club and talked about this and that. The song Don’t Cry for Me Argentina, came out of the club and created a romantic atmosphere between them. Andy got his face close to her face and stopped an inch between them. She closed her eyes and felt his lips on her… her first kiss.

  The slight and delicate touch of his lips on her lips connected her to Andy and her yearnings. The kiss allowed a stranger to penetrate into the core of her heart and fill the thirst and hunger for a loving touch and care. She was surprised how much the kiss undermined her being. Andy, a foreigner like her in Israel, allowed her to look into her deepest inner world, seeing her life through a mature lense.

  After that evening, they spent most of their free time together. Oftentimes, they rode a bicycle outside the Kibbutz, or joined groups hiking in the country roads. But they also enjoyed sitting together and talking until late at night. He once asked why she never left the Kibbutz, but she was evasive. She adopted resourceful ways to bypass questions concerning her past or her private life. It was a place where she didn’t let anybody enter. She wondered if the day would come that someone would make her feel safe enough to talk about herself and her past. Anyway, her love for Andy made her life better, and she even became optimistic about the thoughts of her mother and sister.

  But, the days had passed, and brought Andy’s departure to the U.S. closer. Sherry felt so low at the night before Andy’s departure. She thought that the painful separation that she had gone through would help her go through the separation from Andy. But now she doubted it. Just the thought about his pending departure brought her to depression. She sat on the bench behind the building of the post office, where she used to sit when she wanted to have some privacy.

  She heard footsteps approaching. “I knew I’d find you here.” Andy suddenly appeared.

  “How’d you know?”

  “You seem a little depressed lately, and there is no place more depressing than this place.”

  “I’m really depressed,” she smiled slightly.

  “I have something that will make you feel better.” He gave her a box wrapped in shiny paper.

  “What’s this, a parting gift?” she asked.

  “I do not like that definition.”

  She took off the wrapping and revealed a large impressive wooden box. She opened it carefully. The box was filled with tubes of oil paints. “Wow, this is really beautiful,” Sherry marveled.

  “It took me hours to find a store that sells special things for painting.”

  She kissed him. “It’s very beautiful. I really appreciate that you went for hours just to find something that I love.”

  “It’s so easy to please you, as long as it is related to painting,” he said.

  “Sorry, I did not buy you anything,” she apologized.

  “I saw your paintings. I will be happy to have any painting that you want to give me.”

  “I’d rather paint something special for you. I promise to send you the painting to the United States.”

  He nodded. “I will miss you a lot.”

  “Me, too.”

  “I’m not going to end our relationship here. When I get back to the U.S., I’ll check some options so that you will be able to study in the U.S. You paint so beautifully, and I know that there are college scholarships for talented foreigners. I’ll check it out. Count on me.”

  Sherry laughed. “I see that you already admitted me to the University and gave me a scholarship, too. I wish it were that simple. I need to find a place to live, find a job ... Oh, just the thought about it already exhausts me.”

  “Finding a place to live and getting a job─you’ll need it anywhere. Anyway, living in the United States seems to be less of a headache than spending two years in the army. Give me some of your paintings. When I will arrive to the United States, I will check all the details for you and will keep you posted.”

  “You know what? Feel free to open the possibilities for me.”

  When they got up, Sherry was more encouraged. The fact that Andy considered their bond as a serious relationship and ready to check for her the possibility of living and studying in the U.S. just to be close to him made her feel better.

  In the evening, she accompanied him to the airport. She watched him slowly disappear and felt so lonely. She returned to her room that looked so empty, quiet and sad. She found herself waiting for the enlistment, or anything that would keep her away from this oppressive silence. It was time to close the chapter of the Kibbutz.

  Two weeks after Andy’s departure, she received two letters in the mail, one from Shelly and one from Andy. She read the letter from Andy that was written in Hebrew with errors:

  Dear Sherry,

  How are you? I feel good to be home. It is just two weeks since I left, but I already miss you.

  When I arrived in New York, nobody met me at the airport. That’s why I needed to go to my grandmother’s with all the baggage. I slept there at night, and in the morning, I went to the summer home of my parents. They were very happy to see me.

  I was with them until last Thursday and just played basketball everyday. I met many old friends.

  Now I have to prepare and arrange few things for the University. I’m starting six days before my birthday. I am twenty-years-old. I can’t believe it.

  On Saturday, I talked to Danny for the first time since the holidays. He and Shelly returned a week later and they looked very good. I think everybody will be coming today.

  The letter was switched to English:

  I never loved anyone the way I love you. As soon as the school starts, I’ll check on the scholarship that we talked about. I’ll do anything in order for you to come live here. I don’t know how I’m going to go through the days without you. It’s so hard. There is not a single moment that I don’t think about you.

  I love you with all my heart,

  Andy

  She turned to Shelly’s letter. It was a short and a grateful letter, thanking Sherry for being a good friend to her. There were a few details about the school preparation and the hope of seeing Sherry in New York.

  Sherry sat down to write a short letter to her. After that, she wrote two pages full of love and longings for Andy. She put the letter and the painting that she painted for him in the mailbox.

  One week was left for Sherry until the enlistment. She was waiting for it impatiently. The silence and the sight that captured her with their charm now became the symbols of her inner desolation. She missed the company of her peers.

  10

  The night before the enlistment was nerve-racking. She was confused and vague; she didn’t know what to expect and feared that the decision to enlist was a mistake. She could not even break the tension through painting. In the morning, she already knew that she made the wrong decision.

  It was February in the middle of a torrential rain. She walked around at Beer-Sheba Central Bus Station for half an hour looking for the bus that would take her to the army base. She sat on the bus, soaking wet, listening to the rain beating against the windows and the roof. She prayed that it would stop while making her way from the bus station to the army recruitment center. But, the rain did not stop. She got off the bus, accompanied by stormy rain showers. Cold wind shook her clothes and her body, whipping her again and again. She was glad when she finally arrived.

  But, her joy was premature. She heard shouts and commands around and realized that she walked into a trap, and the army was a very scary thing. She went forward with a terrible fear, along with other women soldiers. At some point, a soldier yelled at her, and she couldn’t understand what he wanted from her.

  Sherry wore the Khaki uniform and the coat and finally felt the slow and enjoyable expansion of heat in her body.

  In the evening, she wrote a letter to Andy explainin
g that the army was too big for her and asked him to arrange everything in order for her to live in the U.S.

  She ended her letter telling him how much she loved and missed him. She hoped that he still felt the same way towards her.

  She included her new military address and hoped that she would be able to get out of the army soon.

  It was a sunny day. Sherry came across a tent in which the edges were lifted and exposed the girls inside to the unusual hot rays of the sun in the month of February.

  “Look how beautiful she is,” said Ronit, who within a week, succeeded to be the most prominent female soldier in the department. “Come sit with us.”

  Sherry smiled and headed to Ronit. Ronit was also good looking in Sherry's opinion. She had light brown curls that fell softly to her shoulders and matched her mischievous nature. Her nose and her mouth were tiny and her eyes were brown. She was thin like Sherry.

  The next day when they divided the kitchen and gardening assignments, Ronit took Sherry with her in the gardening task. The guard led them to a clean area and told them to clean up the leaves. Ronit looked at the ground trying to make sense to the order of the officer. “There is nothing to clean. What does he want from us?”

  Sherry smiled in agreement.

  “Let’s go, there’s nothing to clean.”

  Sherry stood hesitantly. “You are really afraid of the officer,” Ronit teased her. “He won’t come to check. Do you think he remembers faces?”

  Sherry felt that she was being dragged by Ronit’s behavior without having any self-opinion or discretion, and she hoped that this would not cause her trouble.

  The next day, both were assigned to the kitchen with several other girls. They spent one hour working before Ronit turned to her and urged her to retire. Sherry thought that it wouldn’t be a smart move on her part to be dragged again. This job is for men. ‘We should not lift such large pots. Anyone who is looking for gender equality has to learn to give me rights first, before sharing the debts with me. This is all my feminist theory in a nutshell. Nobody can do anything to us. In a few weeks, we will see no pots and no drill sergeants.’ Sherry couldn’t keep track of Ronit’s plans. She preferred to do what was requested without getting into a thick-beam, to understand the military terms.

  After one month, both of them went to a short course in aircraft engineering and then signed a three-year contract with the army.

  In the meantime, Sherry received a long love letter from Andy in which a registration form was attached. According to him, he checked the required procedures for admission, and she was qualified for a scholarship to study at New York University. She only had to fill in the details and get a plane ticket to the United States in the opening of the next school year.

  Sherry was happy.

  She went to the main offices and was delighted to find out that she didn’t just receive good treatment, but also had an appointment with the commander himself.

  Sherry sat in the office. It was a large room with two large tables. At the head of the wide table sat the commander, and in both sides of the long table, sat two other officers.

  The commander looked at Sherry. “Why do you want to leave the course?”

  Sherry explained her family situation, while emphasizing that most of her family lived in the U.S. She hoped that it would convince the army to release her.

  “I understand. I suggest you to file an application for release from the army. Until you receive an answer, you will stay here.”

  Sherry left the meeting encouraged. She approached one of the clerks and sent the forms. Then, she sent a letter to Andy in which she updated him about the events. Until his response came, she complied according to the commander’s recommendation and went on to her studies, while strengthening of her relationship with Ronit. Every lights-off became a conversation of souls between them. Sherry told Ronit about her love for Andy and her life story in Iran.

  Ronit told her that five years ago, she lived in Belgium and when her parents separated, she moved in with her father who sent her to grow up with her grandmother in Israel.

  “Parents’ glory, but I don’t have a problem with it, as long as they care to send me a supply of money and sweets,” Ronit laughed. Sherry felt a pain behind the laughter and eventually caused Ronit to pour her aching heart with her.

  It was obvious that they became soul sisters who needed each other.

  While waiting for the response of the military authorities to the request of her release, Sherry continued to write to Andy. It was obvious that the time that passed since they last saw each other did not lessen his love for her. The letters that he sent to her were full of love that warmed her heart.

  Finally, after three months, Sherry received a letter from the army that informed her that she was entitled to the status of a lone soldier and would get more money every month, but not a release from the military service. Surprisingly, she did not feel disappointed, maybe because since the time of filing the request, she internalized the essence of the military and realized that the army would not release her easily.

  She wrote a letter to Andy, informing him of the army’s refusal to release her. She tried desperately to find disappointing words, but found it difficult to do so. She examined herself, wondering if she still loved Andy with the same intensity.

  She received a reply from Andy wanting to know if there was anything he could do to release her from the army.

  Although Sherry still had feelings towards Andy, it was obvious that three years in the army couldn’t advance her relationship with him. There was no point to letting Andy wait on the fence. With heavy feelings, she wrote a letter to Andy that ended an important and beautiful chapter in her life. She conveyed this feeling to Andy in the letter. It was important to her that he knew that the separation came out of necessity and not by choice. She closed the envelope and felt depressed to yet another farewell.

  In July, the night before completing the course, Sherry and Ronit sat on the stairs in silence. It was difficult for both of them to separate. A warm summer breeze accompanied by sandstorms traveled between the three high cypress trees near the stairs. They were moving out of control, just like small boats in a stormy sea. It seemed to Sherry that the uncontrolled movement of the trees threatened to break their spines and clean the dirt off their green leaves. The trees kissed from time to time as if reinforcing each other to survive this storm, until the rage passed.

  Three days after leaving the course, Sherry received a letter from Ronit:

  Hello Sherry,

  I am in a really beautiful place, surrounded by trees, lawns and sidewalks. It looks like a nice town. From the moment I arrived, I watched two new action films and the place looks quite promising.

  I had an interview with the commander here. I asked for an urgent conversation about my family status, and they probably took it too seriously... At the end of the conversation I got a permission to host you on my base. (I got a few more permits on the way. I’ll tell you everything when I see you. There are rumors here that they censor the letters. It’s bull, but why would I take the chance that this would happen to me?)

  It’s too bad that you are not here with me.

  Waiting for an answer from you,

  Goodbye my sister. Kisses. See you soon.

  Ronit

  Sherry’s base also looked like how Ronit described hers.

  Two weeks after each one had been assigned to her respective base, Sherry was hosted at Ronit’s base. They went out clubbing together until late hours. When they came back, they found several soldiers sitting near the stairs leading to their rooms. “Look at the guy sitting at 3:00. I have my eye on him,” Ronit said.

  Sherry looked at her. “You are barely three weeks here.”

  Ronit ignored Sherry’s remark. “He has not noticed me yet, but I’ll take care of that sometime soon. You know me.”

  During breakfast on Saturday morning, Sherry saw him. He had a Spanish look like that of Julio Iglesias. “He look
s good.”

  “I know.”

  The following Friday evening, Sherry was surprised when Ronit picked her up from the base with Eran, the same guy she had an eye on. They went to a club in Tel Aviv, and Eran went out several times to wait for someone outside.

  “His friend will be coming. I met him yesterday, when he came to visit Eran at the base” Ronit explained. “He’s a captain in the army, serving in an elite unit.” Ronit saw Eran entered with another man. “Here he is, look how tall and handsome he is.”

  Ronit introduced them to each other, and Sherry learned that his name was Eyal. He had a Marine haircut and his face was sunburned, highlighting the color of his blue eyes. His nose reminded her of Michelangelo's David. He sat between her and Eran and a pleasant scent of aftershave was blown into the air. Eyal began small talk with her. Her eyes. Traveled down his body, lingering on his belt. The buckle was round and Sherry thought that it looked like a head of a tiger. She looked up from the belt to Eyal’s smile. “Is there something interesting down there?” he asked.

  She smiled sheepishly. “Tigers.”

  “Then I’d better go out of here and go to the bar,” he joked. “Can I get you something?” he asked Sherry.

  “I already have,” she replied, pointing to a glass on the table full of Coke.

  He smiled at her.

  “How was he?” Ronit asked her when they got up to leave.

  “He’s okay.”

  “Come on, stop it, just okay? He likes you.”

  “How do you know?”

  “He offered to take you back to the base instead of us.”

  “Then I prefer you to take me back to the base so that he doesn’t have expectations from me. You know that I just ended my relationship with Andy, and I still have feelings for him, so don’t try to introduce me to anyone.”

  “I’m not introducing you to just anyone, but to one of the most desirable bachelors. I am sure that he could take Andy out of your head.”

  “You wish─he won’t.”

  “Are you serious? Don’t you like him?”

  “He’s a nice guy.”