by Louise Bay
“You have the rest of your life to go back for,” my sister said. “You have Dexter. And your career.”
I watched her, scribbling numbers down on this huge sheet of paper. She wanted to help and my bones ached I was so grateful, but there was nothing she could do. I was stuck.
“I think on this side,” she said, indicating the right-hand side of the huge sheet of paper, “we need things that don’t cost money but you’ll have to do before you go. I’m going to write ‘job’ up here and then we’ll do a bubble where we put all the preparation you need to do to get a job—you know, applications and stuff.”
“Honey,” I said, placing my hand on her arm. “This is so sweet of you. But I’m not going back to London.”
She turned to me, fire in her eyes. “Of course you are. I’ve never seen or heard you so happy as when you were over there. And Dexter’s there and you’ve never been into a guy like you’re into him. Ever. In. Your. Life.”
Into him. It sounded so cute but so completely inappropriate for what I felt for Dexter. I tried to push it down but it kept bobbing to the surface—the realization that I was in love with him. I tried to think back to when I’d transitioned from wanting to rip his clothes off to being in love with him. It was somewhere after I’d started to like him, then really like him, and it had morphed without me realizing into something much deeper—respect and admiration mixed with an understanding that he enjoyed making me happy just as much as I enjoyed doing the same for him.
I loved the bones of the man.
I loved the heart of the man.
I loved the soul of the man.
I glanced at my phone. It would be so easy to call. Too easy.
“I have responsibilities here,” I said. “I need to be realistic.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “I’m not planning on robbing a bank. This chart is a real plan. We can do this. You saved up the first time. And now I’m about to graduate and get a job, we’ll get there a lot quicker. Which reminds me,” she said, flipping over the paper. “I need a column because I need to find a job that pays. None of this interning without a salary shit,” she said. “I’ve started applying and I have a couple of interviews lined up. But I’m not going to put all my eggs in one basket. I’m going to keep applying.”
It was the first I’d heard about her applying for jobs already. “You’re going to apply around here?” There weren’t many good jobs in Sunshine.
“No, I thought Portland. And I’ve even applied for a couple in New York.”
New York? That was more expense. I’d have to pay for her flights and hotels. But good for her that she wanted to spread her wings. There was no point in two of us being stuck here. After all, giving her a future was what the last years of sacrifice had been about.
“And before you start worrying, I got a scholarship to pay for travel and accommodation to and from job interviews. There won’t be any additional expense.” Autumn was beaming at me.
My heart rose in my chest. “What kind of scholarship?”
“The kind that pays for kids like me to go to job interviews.”
“Wow, I had no idea there even was such a thing.”
“Well, there was and I got it. And then you’re not going to have tuition to pay for anymore.”
I nodded. I just had to get past the bottleneck of deposits on our new apartment—first month, last month, security. Once I did that, I could relax a little. Until the next disaster.
“Let’s put rent for parents down here,” she said, scribbling down a figure in the costs column. It was probably useful to look at my expenses and get a handle on how long it was going to take to get back to something like normalcy, but Autumn’s insistence on including a return to London in our grand scheme was wishful thinking.
“That’s not the rent,” I said, seeing the number she’d put against it. “It’s going to be double that just for their apartment. Let alone mine.”
“Yeah, but I’m going to be paying half.”
God, I loved my sister. And her imagination wasn’t even the best part of her. “How do you think you’re going to be doing that?”
“I told you,” she said. “I’m going to get a job.”
“Yeah, and you’ll have to pay rent and bills and buy clothes—”
“I know. Which is why I need a paying job. I’ll have expenses and one of those will be half Mom and Dad’s rent.”
There was no point arguing with her. She’d find out soon enough that life wasn’t that easy.
“What was your rent in that studio in London? We’re planning for worst case because you’ll probably live with Dexter again, right?”
I wanted to dive into her fantasy and believe what she was planning could be a reality, but I was afraid I’d never be able to pull myself back into real life. And then what would happen? Too many people were depending on me. I couldn’t afford to have my head in the clouds. I needed to be real, keep my feet on the ground.
Autumn kept putting down numbers and I sat and watched, occasionally eyeing the whiskey bottle.
“It really hinges on you having a job,” she said. “So that should be your first priority. Can you hit up some of the people you met in London and see if anyone’s hiring?”
I could call Primrose. And Teresa from Sparkle. They might know where I could start looking. No—what was I thinking? “It’s impossible,” I said. “Even if we both got jobs and split the rent, I can’t just up and move to London.”
“Why not?”
“You want a list?” I asked. What about my situation wasn’t she getting?
“Sure. Let’s hear your excuses.”
“I only need two. Mom and Dad.”
“They are grown adults. If we’re keeping a roof over their heads, they can figure out the rest themselves.”
I half laughed, half sighed. “That’s not how they work. You know it’s just a matter of time before they get into some disaster that I’ll need to bail them out of.”
“Mom still has her job, which, may I remind you, she got while you were in London. Maybe they got themselves into trouble because they knew you’d be here to save them. Once you left . . .”
I rolled my eyes. That wasn’t true. Mom and Dad had been getting themselves into trouble since long before I was capable of cleaning up their messes.
“And even if that’s not true, they’re not your responsibility.”
I pushed out of my chair and headed over to the whiskey bottle. “Now you’re being ridiculous. Of course they’re my responsibility. Who else is going to look after them?”
“Hollie, they’re not children or dogs. They can figure it out. We can come back and visit but you’ve sacrificed your dreams long enough. Your entire life has been about providing for me or cleaning up after the two of them. I haven’t deserved your sacrifices, but I’m forever grateful for them. But you’ve done what you set out to do. I’m graduating. It’s time for you to live your life.”
I grabbed the bottle and brought it and the two shot glasses back to the table. Autumn’s growing independence had lifted a cloak of responsibility from my shoulders. I’d always be there for her in any way I could be, but the fact I wouldn’t be paying tuition would be a game-changer. “I’m so freaking proud you’re graduating. You worked hard for this. In and out of class.”
“I know,” she said. “But it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for you.”
I’d supported Autumn because I loved her, and because it was the right thing to do. It was as simple as that.
“But now it’s time for you to focus on you.” She turned back to our plan. “You’ll be back in London in three months by my calculations. I’ll have a job by then. Mom gets healthcare if she stays at Trader Bob’s for twelve months.”
“Just like that?” I said, pouring out the whiskey.
“No, not just like that. With hard work and double shifts and weekends spent applying for jobs. But you can do it.”
I looked at her spreadsheet. It seemed to wor
k on paper. “How can I just abandon Mom and Dad? What if Mom loses her job?”
“You’re not abandoning them. You’re just making something of your life. You’re not letting them dictate your future. They have a place to live and we can both come back and visit.”
She made it sound possible, like I could actually have the life I wanted rather than the one that had been assigned to me since birth.
“I suppose I could build up some savings and send them money if things get bad.”
“Yes. And you never know—they might actually pull themselves together a little bit if they know they don’t have us catching them every time they trip up and knock themselves out.”
Maybe Autumn was right. Perhaps I could let my parents figure stuff out themselves. As long as they had a roof over their heads, and I could send money if they got into a scrape, I supposed I didn’t need to be in Oregon to make it work.
“Okay, let’s go through the plan again,” I said.
Maybe I’d even give Dexter a call if I ever made it back.
Thirty-Three
Dexter
I thought it rained hard in London, but Oregon made London’s precipitation look like amateur hour. I hadn’t been able to sleep; the sheeting rain had been so heavy against the hotel windows. Then again, my sleeplessness might have been thanks to my anticipation of seeing Hollie today. I shoved my hands in my pockets, trying to be patient as I waited for the car to be delivered at the hotel entrance.
It had been over two weeks since I’d last seen her, since I’d last slept next to her and felt her warm body next to mine. Each day without her had felt three times as long. In our brief time together, I’d gotten used to rushing out of the office so I could go home and put my arms around her, hear her take on the day and press my body against hers.
Without her, life was laborious and empty. I wanted her and there was no point in pretending otherwise. Gabriel had been right—I needed to tell her how much she meant to me. I had to be completely clear I’d done everything I could to get her back. She was far more important to me than the competition, and if I was prepared to work so hard for that, I was happy to work doubly hard for Hollie.
A black car pulled up in front of the hotel. “Mr. Daniels?” the driver asked me as he got out. He handed me the keys and I got in, putting the trophy Daniels & Co had won the night Hollie had left London on the passenger seat. I’d wanted to share it with her, even if the celebration was delayed.
As I punched the address into the satnav, it came up with a route and an estimate of three hours and twelve minutes to arrival. When I got there, I didn’t even know if she’d be in. But I’d wait. For as long as it took.
I pulled out into the traffic and began to rehearse what I wanted to say that I hadn’t already perfected in the two weeks since she’d left and on the twelve-hour plane journey over here.
As I got out of town and onto a road that was simply numbered 84, I picked up speed. Driving in America wasn’t like driving in Britain. The roads were almost empty, and the monotonous drive gave me time to think. To imagine what it would be like to see her again. I pressed my foot on the accelerator, focusing on my destination.
The steps leading up to Hollie’s front door were dry because of the yellow awning. After I’d discovered neither Hollie nor her sister were home, I took a seat beneath it. From the top of the fifth step, I could get a better view of the road from the park entrance than I had from the car.
I checked my watch. It was a little after twelve. I could be waiting all day. I had no idea when she’d finish work, but at least I’d found the place. The guy on the gate had been more helpful than I’d been expecting and given me directions right to the door. So, my plan was to sit here until someone came home. It wasn’t like I could turn up to her work, even if I did know where it was.
“Hey, there,” an older woman wearing a blue housecoat called from the pavement. “You waiting for Hollie or Autumn?”
“Hollie,” I replied, grateful for the confirmation I was in the right spot. “My name is Dexter. Do you know when she’ll be back?”
Her face broke into a grin and she came closer. “I’m Mrs. Daugherty. You’ve got an accent on you. Where are you from?”
“England,” I replied. “London.”
“London? Do you know the queen?”
I stood and stepped down to meet her at the bottom. “I have met her a couple of times, actually, but I wouldn’t say I know her.”
“You’ve met her? What does she smell like?”
The first question I might have been prepared for, but being asked about the scent of royalty was a new one for me. “I don’t remember a specific perfume but she was very charming.”
“Your accent is so pretty,” she said. “Can I get you anything? You’re welcome to come and wait inside. I could fix you a sandwich? You like bacon?”
“That’s terribly kind of you, but I’m going to wait here so I don’t miss her coming home.”
“They are lovely girls,” the lady said. “So polite. And the younger one’s at college, you know?” I nodded, glancing up the road to see if anyone with treacle-colored hair was coming toward us. “Did the queen go to college?” she asked.
“I don’t believe she did,” I said.
“Prince William did,” she said. “It’s where he met Kate Middleton. Although officially, she likes to be called Catherine, you know. They met at St Andrews University. They were studying the same thing until William changed to . . . geography,” she said, poking the air as she remembered. “I like the royals.”
“Did you say you knew when Hollie might be back?” I asked.
“Well I didn’t see her leave this morning, which must mean she’s on an early shift. So . . . she should be back around one unless she’s doing a double. But it’s a Friday so probably not. One, I’d say.”
I checked my phone. If this lady’s intel was right, Hollie should be back any minute.
“If you need anything I’m just there.” She pointed at a home a few doors up from Hollie’s.
“Thank you,” I called as she made her way toward a friend calling her over.
The two women chatted while shooting me glances. I kept my eyes fixed on the road into the park. Eventually, Mrs. Daugherty and her friend scurried off, leaving me in the rain and wondering if I was going to be able to convince my love to come back to me.
Thirty-Four
Hollie
The hood of my jacket kept blowing off in the wind. I’d been planning on taking a shower when I got home, but I was getting one for free on my walk back instead. My hair was soaking and my shoulders ached. Pauly was right. Four double shifts in a week was too many. I couldn’t wait to collapse into bed.
I pulled up my hood for the nine millionth time, angled my head into the wind to keep it from flying off and turned into the park.
I managed to get to our trailer without it flying off again. I started up the steps, flipping back my hood as I got under the awning and fell back a step when I saw there was someone waiting by our front door.
Not just any person.
Dexter.
“Hi,” I said, because what else could you say when the man you were in love with appeared on your doorstep. I was rooted to the spot, unable to process Dexter Daniels against the backdrop of the Sunshine Trailer Park. He looked so out of place. It was as if everything else faded into a blur of gray, but Dexter was every color in the rainbow.
“Hey,” he replied, reaching for my hand to pull me up the steps. How did Dexter manage to get sexier, even under the Oregon sky? And here I was soaking wet and aching after too many double shifts.
“You look beautiful.”
I gave him one of my best don’t-BS-me looks. What was he doing here? “You’re a long way from home,” I said.
He shrugged. “Maybe not. You’re here.”
My insides hurt I missed him so much. But he didn’t belong here.
I pulled out the keys from my jeans pocket. He’d flown fiv
e thousand miles, the least I could do was invite the guy in. The danger was I wouldn’t ever want him to leave.
“Thought you might want to know about this.” He reached down to the floor beside him and picked up a sleek, glass trophy.
I wanted to throw my arms around him. I was so proud. It was what he wanted most in the world and I’d wanted it so badly for him too. “You deserve it. And the entire team. I’m so happy for you.”
“I wish you could have been there.”
I sighed. I wished I could have been there too. Although it was wonderful to see Dexter—he was achingly familiar despite having only been in my life a few months—it was almost beyond painful. I’d hated walking out on him and not even getting a chance to say goodbye, but at least I hadn’t had to endure this. At least I hadn’t had to look in his eyes knowing it would be the last time.
“I had a speech prepared,” he said. “I think it got lost in the rain.”
“A speech?” I asked.
I didn’t need a speech from him. He deserved an apology from me. He’d emailed Autumn over and over and I’d told her not to reply. Although she must have ignored me at some point. How else would he have known where to find me?
“I’d rehearsed it. But now I can’t remember how it starts.” He stopped abruptly. “I let Autumn have my number and you didn’t call.”
Shame circled my chest. “I know. I’m sorry. Once I was back here, I couldn’t bear to look back. I thought a clean break would be easier.”
“Was it?”
I thought I’d go back to Oregon and be able to put London in a drawer. Away from real life. But it didn’t fit. I couldn’t hide it away, pretend it had never happened. “It was harder than anything I’ve ever done before.”
He sighed, his chest expanding and contracting, his nearness suddenly so much closer. I just had to stretch out my arm and slide my palm up against his cheek.
“Woohoo,” Mrs. Daugherty called from across the street.