Truthfully, after the last letter had been written, she did not think she could be in Jasper’s company and pretend that she did not harbor an intense love towards him. Now, she had passed the point of no return. Once this was all said and done, she would have to make a choice—reveal her true emotions or separate herself from him until the feelings had gone.
Just then, she heard hooves pounding on the cobbles outside. Turning her gaze towards the window, she saw Jasper and her father come to an abrupt halt outside the house. He looked handsome in a long coat, his hair swept back by the wind. She always worried for him when he rode, for he was not an accomplished horseman. Fixing her gaze on him, she felt her chest grip tight. What has happened to me?
One thing was clear. She could not go on as she had done before.
Chapter 28
The following afternoon, a letter arrived in the midday post, addressed to Adelaide. She took it from Daniel and went into the drawing room to read it. She had thought that word might come from Reuben, revealing that he had heard the awful things she had said about their engagement. However, the handwriting did not match. No, indeed, it looked very much like the handwriting that she had been copying in order to give letters to Jasper. Why is Leah writing to me, I wonder?
All night, she had tossed and turned, thinking of Jasper and of Lord Rowntree. She had not dared to venture back to the alleyway, for fear of what she might find. There had been no sudden arrival from the Bow Street Runners, however, which gave her hope that Reuben had not pummeled Lord Rowntree to death. Still, the secrets that the curious gentleman had mentioned weighed heavily on her mind.
She had thought to speak with her father about it, but he had taken to his rooms once more. The mystery illness had taken hold of him again. Adelaide could not help but worry for his welfare, for she wondered if Lord Rowntree had been alluding to her father’s health. Consumption had been rabidly spreading throughout cities such as this, and she feared it may have found its way to the Colborne residence.
Is that why Lord Rowntree offered his protection, because he knew my father was deathly ill? My goodness, I hope not. I pray it may be something else…anything else. I cannot lose him. I cannot.
Forcing her attention away from such morbid thoughts, she returned to the letter in her hands. Opening it up with tentative hands, she began to read what lay within.
Dear Lady Adelaide,
I hope this letter finds you well. I know you are aware that I have gone away to attend to a family member in the country. However, I feel I must be honest with you now, as you may be the only one to help me recapture the affection of your friend, Lord Gillet. He trusts you and I must have him trust me again.
I did not go away to attend on a family member. No, instead, I was invited to Scotland to visit the estate of a man named Lord Alastair McGillivray. He and I had something of an attachment during his recent stay in London. I hope you will not think too badly of me for expanding my options, but I could not resist Lord McGillivray. He invited me to stay at his estate as the guest of his younger sister. Naturally, I agreed, for he showed me far more affection than Lord Gillet ever did.
I had hoped for an engagement to be announced, as he and I were courting almost openly during my time at his Scottish estate. He wooed me with a great deal of intensity. Indeed, I fear I may have crossed the line of propriety once or twice, but I had thought he might become my husband, and so it did not feel improper. You must keep my secret, Lady Adelaide—I implore you. I shall be ruined if you do not.
You see, Lord McGillivray has since decided that I am not a suitable choice for a wife. Or, rather, his mother did not think me worthy. She is an odious little witch, and she has striven to see me cast out. The moment I arrived, she had decided to despise me. Unfortunately, Alastair seemed to agree with her, and he asked me to depart at my earliest convenience. Nobody knows of my indiscretions, but I must be wed before they can be revealed. I must rekindle my attachment to Lord Gillet, and it must happen quickly.
Please, Lady Adelaide, promise that you will help me. I am returning to London as I write this, and shall come to your house as soon as I arrive. Speak of my attributes to Lord Gillet, I implore you. Tell him of my sorrow in abandoning him so severely. I thought I was moving on to a secure match, but it has not worked out. Make him see that I am a suitable choice for a wife, for I do not know how long I shall have until my secrets are unearthed. I must move quickly, and for that I need you to help me. I would not ask otherwise. Indeed, I do not know who else to turn to.
Lord Gillet will be a palatable consolation prize. Indeed, he may turn out to be a better option to Lord Alastair. As my friend, I urge you to make an engagement possible. As I say, I do not know how long I may have.
With Regards,
Miss. L. Green
Adelaide stared at the letter in shock. It had no date, which gave her no inclination as to when it had been written. For all she knew, Leah could arrive at any moment and demand her place in Jasper’s heart again. The thought of that pained Adelaide deeply. Now that she had accepted the truth of her affection towards Jasper, she could not relinquish it. She loved him. Leah had cast him aside, using him only as a means to gain a higher position in society. She had never truly cared for him, she had made that infinitely clear. Now, she sought to do it all over again. Adelaide could not allow it.
Gathering her courage, and the letter she had already written in response to Jasper’s, she hurried out of the drawing room. Telling Daniel that she was going to visit with the Gilletts, she tore out of the front door and rushed to the neighboring house. It took all the restraint she had not to hammer the door down.
Once the butler had ushered her inside, he went off to retrieve Jasper whilst she waited in the library. She could not bring herself to sit. Instead, she paced the floor, waiting for his arrival. She tried to rehearse the words she wanted to say, but they rattled about in her head, getting all jumbled and confused. She would have to speak from the heart, when the moment came.
Jasper appeared a few moments later. He looked tired, but far less troubled than he had done the last time they had seen one another. He smiled as he entered the room. “Well, this is a pleasant surprise. Surely, you cannot have another letter for me already?”
She shook her head. “No, I do not…well, I do, but…my goodness, I fear I have lost the ability to speak. I am all aflutter.”
“Sit down, Adelaide. Is everything well with you? Has something happened?” He frowned with concern. “You look weary—is something troubling you?”
“I cannot sit, Jasper,” she replied. “I cannot sit until I have said what I have come to say.”
“What is it, Adelaide? Truly, you are jumping about the place like a crazed frog. What on earth has got into you?”
She paused by the fireplace and leant on the mantelpiece. “You have.”
He looked at her strangely. “Whatever do you mean?”
“I have come to tell you the truth.”
“The truth?”
She nodded slowly, hardly daring to look at him. “I did not mean for any of this to happen. I did not know that things would change. If I had…I do not know if I would have done what I have done.”
“What have you done?” His tone held a hint of wariness.
She held up the letter in her hand—the one she had written. “This was supposed to be another letter to you, from Miss Green.”
“Already? How can that be?”
Tears sprang up in Adelaide’s eyes. “It is so, because I am the writer of these notes, not Miss Green.”
“What?” His voice came out as a gasp.
“I never intended to reveal this to you,” she went on. “You see, Miss Green did not leave because she doubted your affections. She left because she had found another gentleman. I do not know too much about it, but I know her feelings towards you were insincere. She desired your fortune, not you. A letter from her was intended for you, but I intercepted it and…I am ashamed to even say it. I re
ad it. I did not want you to be heartbroken, so I sought to see what she had to say towards you. Her words were cruel and unjust. She spoke of you with such disdain. I did not want you to see it, so I endeavored to write an alternative note, where I might let you down more gently.” She dragged in a ragged breath. “I only wanted to protect you.”
Jasper sat in stunned silence.
“I pray that you may forgive me. My thoughts were only of you.”
“Why would you do such a thing?” he whispered.
“I cannot explain my reasoning, because I do not fully understand it myself,” she replied desperately. “I did not want to see her wound you in such an uncouth manner, when you had been nothing but courteous. I did not want you to pursue her, when she did not care for you. There are…other ladies, who do care. There are other ladies who might do anything for you, not because they want your fortune but because they want to be loved by you. You deserve to be loved, not hunted for your wealth.”
Because I love you…because I cannot lose you to her…because I want to be loved by you.
Jasper stood sharply. “I had thought you capable of a great many things, Adelaide, but not this. How could you deceive me in such a way? Have you been reading the letters intended for Miss Green?” He paused. “Of course you have… all of my questions were answered.”
“Forgive me,” she begged.
“My goodness, the snowman! I knew I recognized the tale as soon as I read it. How could I have been so foolish?” He turned his back to her. “I cannot believe you have done this to me, Adelaide. Do you think me so weak and feeble that I could not endure whatever harsh words she had to say? That was not your decision to make, Adelaide.”
“I know, but I—”
“You have not protected me, you have made a fool of me. I have poured my heart out on those pages.”
“I did not mean for you to find out.”
“That does not make it acceptable, Adelaide. The very act of it is beneath you.” He turned back to look at her. “Why have you told me this? Why not keep up the ruse?”
She froze. “I…circumstances changed, and I found that I could not lie to you any longer. I never wanted to lie in the first place. My intentions were well-meant.”
“I barely recognize you,” he said coldly.
“Jasper, please…”
“You ought to go. I cannot stand the sight of you right now.”
“Jasper…”
His eyes held a steely gaze. “Adelaide, go.”
With her heart shattering into a million pieces, she turned on her heel and fled from the room. Tears trickled from her eyes as she hurried back out onto the street and headed for home. It seemed the decision had been made for her. She had revealed some of her truth, and he had chosen to separate himself from her.
Now, I have ruined everything…and I fear I cannot fix it.
Chapter 29
Dawn rose on a new day, with soft Autumn light glancing in through the windows of Jasper’s bedchamber. He had not slept a wink the entire night, thinking of Adelaide. Indeed, after her departure, he had paced the library for an hour before taking himself out of the house for a walk. He had needed to clear his head, but it hadn’t worked. She remained a constant thought in his mind.
He threw back the covers and went to the window, thinking over the incident. He could not understand why she would do such a thing, and yet it had given him hope. She had explained it herself—her motive had been to protect him from heartbreak. However, she had spoken of other things, too. She had spoken of other young ladies who might love him.
Did she really mean herself? Was she too shy to say it aloud? She seemed distracted and upset, as though there was more she wanted to tell me. Had there been another motive for her actions? Could she…could she love me? He didn’t even dare to contemplate it, though he could not help himself. If there was even the slightest chance of his affections being returned, he knew he could not balk from it. Not this time.
Ephraim had given him a lot to think about. Indeed, it had led him to the realization that his ideal lady had truly been standing before him the whole time. He could think of no lady more perfect, yet it had taken an outside eye to make him see it. I have been foolish all these years. Even if she were to reject me now, at least she would know my feelings. In good faith, I do not know that I can keep them to myself any longer. I must know. I must know if there is more to this than meets the eye.
He dressed quickly and made his way to the neighboring house. Daniel answered and asked him to wait in the drawing room whilst he fetched a maid to bring Adelaide down. It was early in the morning, and Jasper doubted she had even risen yet. Still, he could not wait a moment longer.
“Actually, might you instruct Lady Adelaide to meet me under the willow tree?” he asked, as Daniel turned to go.
The butler frowned. “Of course, My Lord.”
Clearly, the man thought he was mad, but Jasper did not care. If he was to tell Adelaide how he felt, then it would be in the place she loved more than anything. It seemed fitting.
He took himself out through the library and wandered across the garden. A glittering frost blanketed the grass, a few thawing dewdrops falling from the petals of Autumn’s last blooms. He paused to admire a winter rose, before moving on toward the willow tree. Parting the fronds, he stepped into the shade beyond and settled down on the bench beneath. An icy breeze swayed the curtain of foliage, but it did not make it through to where he sat.
Fifteen minutes later, Adelaide appeared. She looked pale and drawn, with dark circles beneath her eyes. It was evident that she had been crying. A stab of guilt pierced Jasper’s heart. He had caused this anguish, he knew he had. He had sent her away in such a cold, cruel manner and this was the result.
I am sorry, my love. It is I who should seek your forgiveness.
“What are you doing here so early?” she asked quietly. “I had not expected to hear from you for some time…if ever again.”
He smiled. “I know, and for that I am eternally sorry. Please, sit.”
Tentatively, Adelaide approached and sat down on the opposite end of the bench. “It is I who ought to be sorry. Indeed, I am extremely sorry for my actions. With time to think, I have realized how terribly I have behaved. I did not—”
“Please, Adelaide, do not punish yourself in such a manner,” he interjected. “You sought to protect me, and I should be grateful for that. There are few in this world who would defend me from heartache and deceit as you have done. It was a good deed, ill-managed.”
She held her head in her hands. “I thought you would hate me forever.”
“Adelaide, I could never hate you,” he replied, his voice filled with tenderness. He could feel the moment approaching, his heart thundering as he garnered the courage.
“Even so…I am sorry, Jasper. I should not have hidden the truth from you. I should have allowed you to come to your own conclusions about Miss Green. It was not my place to intervene.”
He took a breath. “Why did you intervene?”
“I have already explained.”
“Was my protection the only reason you intervened?”
She looked up at him with wide, desperate eyes. It was all the confirmation he needed that there was a glimmer of hope. A curious sparkle of something lingered in her gaze—a feeling he recognized, as it was reflected in his own eyes.
“I will not ask you to reveal anything to me,” he continued. “I will simply say what I must say and hope that I am not mistaken. Please, have patience with me. I have attempted to rehearse what I want to tell you, but it may not come out as I wish it to.” He flashed her a nervous smile.
“Go on…” she urged.
“Adelaide, I love you. I believe I may have loved you for the entirety of my life at your side, though it is only in recent days that I have realized the extent of my affection,” he said. “I have been a fool, unable to see that everything I have ever wanted has been right in front of me, all this time. Your father coul
d see it. I believe even Miss Green could see it. I am sorry it has taken me so long to open my eyes.”
She stared at him, saying nothing.
Have I misunderstood? No matter…at least she will know. At least I will not have to hide what I feel. I love you, Adelaide. I have said it now. I cannot take it back, nor do I want to.
“I love you. If I were ever to marry, you would be the one I would desire as my wife. I am not asking for your hand, for I do not know if my feelings are reciprocated. I simply wish you to know that I am in love with you, and that will not go away. I have always loved you, in my own way, and now I understand the truth of it. It has always been you. Always.”
Dangerous Games of a Broken Lady: A Historical Regency Romance Novel Page 23