I stood bolt upright. ‘Now?’ I yelped.
‘Uh-oh.’ Phil grimaced.
Hannah was drawn back to her phone. ‘Oh … okay.’ She covered the mouthpiece again. ‘She’s putting him through now!’ she whispered, thrusting the receiver at arm’s length towards me with an apologetic frown. My arms were flapping hysterically, ferociously pointing a finger at Hannah, pleading with her to take the call. What do I say? Hannah mouthed, but it was too late. ‘Er, hello, Mr Bywater …’
My silent gesticulations continued as Hannah trod water for me. She quickly caught the gist of all the arm-flapping. I was out of the office. No, I was out of the office ill. I’d call him back.
‘No, Mr Bywater, it’s Hannah. We met yesterday. I’m afraid she’s not currently in the office, she’s … on site.’
Ill, Hannah! You should’ve said I was ill, with some horrible disease of the mind!
‘Can I take a message and get her to call you back as soon as she’s in?’ I winced at the thought of having to call him eventually. ‘Oh,’ Hannah said, contemplatively. ‘Er, okay?’ I watched her return the phone to its base.
Phil looked at me, then Hannah. ‘Well? What did he say?’
‘Nothing.’ Hannah said sheepishly. ‘He, er, he didn’t say anything.’
‘What?’ Phil demanded. ‘What the hell was he calling for then?’
Hannah began to flush. There was something she wasn’t saying. ‘What do you mean, he didn’t say anything, Hannah?’ I asked, already feeling a resurgence of Bywater-related apprehension.
Hannah looked down the office nervously. ‘Adrian started talking to him and he ended the call.’
‘Rohan Bywater is with Adrian?’ I asked, puzzled. ‘Adrian Espley?’ Hannah looked positively flustered now, darting uncertain eyes to Phil, then back to me again. The flush in her cheeks had deepened to an even cherry-red by the time she looked over to where Adrian’s hulking frame loomed into the far end of the studio. At first, I didn’t recognise the client beside him. His tan seemed not quite so deep, his shoulders bigger set inside the crisp lines of a slate-grey suit.
‘Shit, indeed,’ Phil muttered ominously.
Rohan Bywater’s dark mussed hair was no different, but teamed with stylish formal wear it came off as a deliberate trend, rather than the messy crop he’d sported yesterday. I felt as though somebody had just plunged a hand into my chest cavity and squeezed what it found lying around in there. Dropping into a crouch wasn’t a conscious move, but there I suddenly was, seeking refuge between Hannah and Phil’s legs.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Phil demanded.
I felt the colour drain from my face. ‘Hannah’s just told him I’m out of the office!’ I cringed.
‘You told me to say that!’ Hannah whispered defensively.
‘I know, I know!’
‘Yeah, don’t listen to her, Hannah. She kicks people and tells lies,’ Phil quipped. I’d have jabbed her in the leg had I not have been in the latter throes of a meltdown. ‘Holy hotbuns, Batman!’ Phil whispered excitedly. ‘He did not look like that when he was last in here.’
‘Flipping heck!’ Hannah agreed. ‘He looks better than he did on his bike too.’
I was about to succumb to a full-on panic attack. ‘Phil! What am I gonna do?’ Phil cocked an eyebrow and looked down over me. ‘Under the desk?’ She shrugged. Phil rolled her chair back a little, allowing me the option of shuffling into the alcove. For a second, I actually considered it.
‘And here they are!’ boomed Adrian, coming to a stand still between the backs of Hannah and Phil’s chairs. ‘Charlie’s Angels.’ I scrunched my eyes closed. Adrian could be like an embarrassing uncle at times. Like I needed any help with the embarrassment right now. ‘Is that you, down there, Alwood?’ he called, a forced joviality in his voice.
Phil cleared her throat. ‘You found that earring yet, Ame?’ she asked nonchalantly. I quickly pulled the stud from my lobe before wriggling backside first out of my inadequate hidey hole.
‘Found it.’ I smiled gingerly, holding the stud up in my fingers.
Hannah graduated from cherry-red to scarlet. ‘Oh … there you are, Amy!’ she tried. Phil rolled her eyes.
I tried not to look, but some part of me actually hoped there would be something of Bywater’s perpetual smile on his lips. I glanced up at him. His face was more angular when it was serious. His features statuesque and solemn, as if they should be made of marble, not flesh. I think I preferred the smile.
‘Amy, do you have a minute? In the boardroom?’ Adrian moved off towards the meeting room without my answer. Rohan Bywater watched me get to my feet. ‘Local site visit, was it?’ He nodded towards the boardroom.
‘Shall we?’ He didn’t wait for my answer either.
The look on Phil’s face said it all. See you on the other side … maybe.
Why had I even come back to work again? I mouthed a few expletives to myself and followed the two men into the boardroom.
Adrian was wrestling with the window blinds, trying to lessen the light streaming into the conference room when I walked in after them. Rohan Bywater moved beside me, the scent of his skin reaching me just before his voice did. ‘Cheer up, you look like someone’s about to get their arse kicked.’
I swept my skirt underneath myself and slipped into one of the chairs, waiting for the inevitable.
‘Right,’ Adrian started, ‘fantastic news. Mr Bywater is happy with your fee proposal, Amy – thanks for organising that so efficiently – and would like you to get started.’
What?
I checked Adrian’s expression. He always exuded elation after securing a new client. Bywater’s face was harder to read.
‘The senior design-led option,’ Bywater added. ‘That would be you, right?’
I tried not to grimace as I attempted to piece it all together. That email was beyond offensive. ‘You’re hiring me? As project leader?’
Bywater remained cool in his chair, eyes piercing against his darker features. ‘I read through your email last night. Top to bottom,’ he added carefully, ‘and I can tell I’ll be in safe hands.’ Bywater watched my hand move up towards my ear. I stopped myself and sat on it instead.
‘And you’d be right, Mr Bywater. Amy’s one of our best.’ Adrian sounded like an over-proud parent.
I tried not to squirm in my seat as Bywater fished to make eye contact. ‘I can see why you hold her in such high regard, Adrian. Professional, conscientious … I’m excited to get going,’ he said coolly.
‘Great!’ Adrian approved, clasping his hands together. ‘How soon would you like us to get started?’ I felt the burn of Bywater’s glare, boring into my face. I tried to remain facing him, avoiding his eyes obviously, instead fixing mine on the silky pigeon-blue stripes of his tie.
‘Do you like a challenge, Miss Alwood?’ Bywater ran his fingers over the tie, stealing it back from me, new grazes gracing a couple of his knuckles.
‘Excuse me?’ The feebleness in my voice was not lost on anyone.
Bywater’s tawny eyes were heavy on me now, daring me to delve into them for the reasons he could possibly want me anywhere near his house.
‘Challenges are good, don’t you think? It’s healthy to push yourself out of your comfort zone, exhilarating even. You strike me as someone who could deal with a few ups and downs and push the mill on for me.’ Bywater was almost smiling. For some unsettling reason, I was starting to suspect that his willingness to have me work for him was actually down to the fact that he liked a challenge. Worse still, he seemed to like challenging me.
For a second, his smile got the better of him. If he was looking for a sparring partner, he was going to be disappointed. I wasn’t even up to a staring contest.
‘I’d like to get the ball rolling as soon as possible, if we can, Adrian?’
‘Sure, sure.’ Adrian nodded in agreement. ‘Amy? How soon can we get up and running?’ I was supposed to be starting on a new restaurant next week. I
knew then Adrian had seen the fees I’d quoted for this job.
Through a gap in the blinds behind Bywater, I caught sight of James walking resolutely through the office. Sadie glanced up at him as he passed her desk. I shifted in my seat.
Adrian cleared his throat. I reeled my concentration back inside the room. ‘Well, ah … when would you like to sit down and work through your needs, Mr Bywater?’
‘Monday morning works for me,’ he said, looking to his wristwatch.
I glanced sideways. James was hanging over Phil. Phil began pointing over this way.
‘Super.’ Adrian beamed. ‘I’m sure we can get Dana to shift around anything else you’ve got booked in, Amy.’
I watched James lean in towards Phil, closer than was advisable. She’d been waiting for a chance to let rip but she was listening to him, albeit reluctantly.
‘Amy?’ Adrian called.
Rohan Bywater’s eyes narrowed under darker serious brows. Adrian had adopted a more serious expression too.
‘Sorry?’
‘Monday,’ Adrian repeated. ‘You’ll be starting at the mill on Monday.’ I nodded.
‘It’s good of you to accommodate me so quickly,’ Bywater said, glancing out towards James and Phil. ‘I don’t want to take up any more of Miss Alwood’s time now, though, I’m sure she has other challenges to deal with before we get started next week.’ A knot began to form in my stomach. Rohan Bywater set me on edge, but I still owed him a grovelling apology. Something else to dread on an ever-growing list.
‘She is a busy girl,’ Adrian agreed. ‘We can finish up here, Amy. You get on if you wish.’ Bywater got up from his chair to shake my hand before I left. I didn’t look at him at all now. I left the boardroom to the sound of Adrian asking whether or not Bywater was a rugby man, while I traded one anxiety for another.
*
‘What’s going on?’ I asked James, acutely aware of two things. The first, he had promised to give me space at work, and the second, Sadie was watching the show.
‘Anna just called. She wants to make an appointment to come over, to the house.’
‘What did you say?’ I yelped. ‘We can’t see her yet!’ Social workers were like bloodhounds. She’d know. She’d smell it on us – relationship failure.
‘I told her that we’re away until next week, to buy us some time. I didn’t know what to say, Ame, so she’s suggested calling us the week after. I thought she might ring your phone too so I just wanted to make sure we had our stories straight before you dropped us in it.’ Phil huffed accusingly. James turned his back to her, shutting her out. I could feel myself getting more flustered at the thought of Anna just turning up. ‘We need to sort ourselves out, Ame,’ he warned, ‘or we’re gonna be stuffed.’
I didn’t mean to, but the sensation was suddenly there, choking me.
‘Amy, please. Don’t get upset,’ James said, closing in on me.
‘That’s your sodding fault,’ Phil snapped at him. I turned away from them, mortified that this might happen here.
Don’t you dare, I warned myself, grappling to keep my cool.
‘I’m fine, James. Please,’ I snipped, pinching the tension over my nose. ‘I just need to get back to work.’ Because work was going to be just bloody marvellous from Monday onwards.
Keeping my back to the office, to James and Sadie and the rest of them, I stood there like the complete loser I felt, considering all the ways in which my life had so abruptly become this big, ugly catalogue of disasters. I’d thought that I could just press on, one awkwardness at a time, until all the pieces fit again, but I couldn’t even make a day without something falling apart in my hands.
If I’d been under any illusion that I could somehow dupe the rest of the world around me – my boss, my mother, the social worker – into thinking that everything was just hunky dory, it all evaporated into thin air when I saw Rohan Bywater watching me through the boardroom blinds.
CHAPTER 9
‘THIS IS SUCH a bad idea,’ I groaned, hiding behind my sunglasses as Phil cruised down the lane towards Briddleton Mill.
‘Be cool, Ame. This has got to be better than sharing the office with Glitter Knickers and The Snake.’
‘Don’t call him that, Phil. He’s trying.’ I should’ve just let it go. Of all the names she’d bestowed upon James over the last fortnight, The Snake sounded like a term of endearment.
Phil went to say something then changed her mind. She tried again. ‘How are you feeling about playing happy families next week?’ she asked. ‘I thought you said these social workers could sniff out a nervous smoker if the wind’s in the right direction?’
‘They can,’ I said, watching the hedgerows zip past us. ‘We’ll just have to get through it without her picking up on any tension.’ Maybe taking up smoking would help.
Phil eyed our surroundings. ‘You do know, Ame, you’re like the worst liar I’ve ever met, right? You start messing with your earrings, then your neck gets redder—’
‘Thanks, Phil! I won’t be on my own. I’ll let James do the talking.’ Luckily for us, James wasn’t too bad at lying, by all accounts.
‘More’s the pity,’ she muttered, looking out of her window. I could hear the cogs in Phil’s head turning over. ‘You know, there are worse things than being on your own, Ame. You shouldn’t be scared of it. Once you’ve tasted the heady flavours of freedom again, you’ll like them. I know you will.’
‘I never said that I was leaving him, Phil.’
‘No, you didn’t. But you will. He’s not right for you, Ame. Honestly, I’m not sure that he ever was.’
I wasn’t getting into this. The longest relationship Phil had ever had was with her favourite shade of lipstick. I didn’t respond, but Phil carried on undeterred.
‘First, you’ll fall apart. That’s a given,’ she said, tilting her head to me. ‘Then you’ll think that the world is over because you’re like your mum, and you can’t realise all the plans you made with James in mind. Then you’ll come round to the idea that, actually, you used to be pretty kick-ass – no offence – the kind of girl who doesn’t need to pin all her dreams on another human being, because you’re more than capable of going out there and grabbing them by the balls yourself.’
I looked at her, incredulous that she could be so hard-faced.
‘What?’ she whimpered.
I loved her bones, every last acerbic, un-pc one of them, but I was not taking relationship advice from Philippa Penrose. We were about as different as we could be on that score. Phil would say that she was independent, but actually she just liked it too much out there, in the game. Phil didn’t lust after motherhood or marriage and there was a freedom for her in that, which, damn it, I envied. I used to think that as soon as the right guy, with the right body and the right salary, came along, Phil was as good as cooked, but she was showing no signs of slowing down and I wasn’t sure that there was a man on the planet who could reel her in now.
‘You’ll get back on your feet,’ she continued, ‘get yourself your own car. Then you’ll start looking at finding a place of your own, your own furniture instead of all that artsy glass shit The Snake likes, and then you’ll be all set. You know what comes after your own place, right?’ she asked, feeding the wheel through her hands as she made the left onto the lane.
‘Gin? Cats? Pot Noodles for one?’ I asked huffily.
Phil’s mobile began buzzing from the back seat. She ignored it. ‘Shagging. That’s what comes next, Ame. Good, raw, noisy shagging that gets your heart pumping and your toes curling.’
I was beginning to will away this car journey. Arriving at the mill was actually starting to look like the rosier option.
‘Probably the last thing on my mind right now, Phil.’ James had said that it had been the last thing on my mind for months. Probably more months than I’d realised. There was a time we couldn’t leave each other alone long enough to eat regularly.
‘Then you need to get back in the saddle, hon. Plenty
more fish, and all that.’
Nope, I was wrong. Sex wasn’t the last thing on my mind. The prospect of ever sitting at a bar making small talk with a stranger was the last thing on my mind. ‘And how does that go, Phil? Meeting new fish. Remind me.’
Phil glanced over at me suspiciously. ‘Drinks, conversation … fun.’ She said fun as if she was teaching me how to pronounce a foreign word.
‘Fun,’ I mimicked. ‘Sorry, but I’m out of practice.’
‘It’s just dating, Ame. It hasn’t changed much since the last time you did it. Think of it as riding a bike. You meet a guy, have a few drinks, tell him a bit about yourself …’
‘Ha! Oh yes, Phil … I can just imagine how much fun that would be. Hi, my name’s Amy, I’m twenty-nine, I’m a Pisces and five years ago I had a hysterectomy. Were you planning on ever having children of your own? Mine’s a voddy and diet coke.’
Phil wriggled back into her shoulders a little. ‘Wow. It really has been a while since you last rode that bike.’
‘The last time I rode that bike, Phil, it had more working parts.’
Her eyebrows rose above the rim of her glasses. ‘Maybe forget the conversation, just keep it to drinks and fun,’ she said sarcastically.
‘And what would be the point of that, Phil? It would have to come up at some stage.’
‘On a first date?’ she questioned. ‘Jeez, couldn’t you just aim for the usual tonsil tennis and awkward dancing?’
‘It’s false advertising, Phil! I think a guy has a right to know before he starts shelling out for drinks that his bun will never rise in my oven! I mean, it’s kind of a big deal when you’re shopping for a sodding life partner.’
My voice was climbing, but the set of Phil’s lips instantly made me regret opening mine.
‘Not every bloke you meet is going to want kids, Ame,’ she said calmly.
‘I want kids, Phil! I want them! Okay? And at some point in the next couple of weeks, The Snake and I are going to be told how, and maybe even when, that’s going to happen! And unless I catch him and Sadie at it in the boardroom again, I don’t want to hear about the perks of singledom, or dating or sodding bikes, all right?’
A Part of Me Page 8